'My dearest Luca, I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for leaning on your shoulders when it's you that should seek comfort from resting your sweet head on my breast. I'm broken but I delight in your presence. For the joy of you gives me strength. Your yet a baby right now but I can tell you'll be a gentleman. I'll raise you to be a gentleman. I pray you'll be a gentleman. Because all my ladies know, heartbreak is fatal. And it has no cure. ~With love Mama'
I put my journal back in my underwear drawer and head to the bathroom to pee.
News has spread about the gunshots and Maria's leave. A maid even claims she saw maria limping from a leg wound as she pushed a trash bag filled with her clothes down the driveway. Another says it was a guard who had been carrying Maria's body in the trash bag.
And my not leaving bed made everyone all the more suspicious to what had happened. But I couldn't care less. I want out. Out of this lifestyle. Out of this relationship. Out of this misery.
I stayed in bed that whole day praying and pleading with God for forgiveness for how close I came to shooting Maria. But then hate would fill my heart as I then began to blame Giovanni for making me go so crazy that I was ready to murder.
Making me so insecure that for a second I forgot I was priceless. For cheating and lying. For promising me that we would raise Luca together but I was basically a single mother...Just like my own mother.
I loved my mother, but she was not made to be a mother. The first 10 years of my life consisted of me watching different men walk in and out of my grandmothers house. My Mom was insecure when she met my father and even worse after he left her.
The quote, 'You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you' was tattooed under her left breast but she still died not understanding the meaning of self love.
My mother oh how I pray I don't fall like she did. How I pray my future daughters do not fall like she did.
"Sophia".
"Sophia please open the door it's me Lucia".
I crawl out of bed and open it letting her slither in.
"Your back! You aren't in break till three more weeks. Does he know! He'll go crazy if he sees you Lucia-"
"Let's not talk about me. How are you I've heard multiple stories of what happened but I wanna hear it from your lips".
I sigh, "I'm done Lucia. If I stay here any longer I will go insane. Help me please".
"Oh Sophia what did he do-"
"I almost killed her, I had the gun loaded and even aimed it straight at her heart", I admit.
"She left to her parents home don't worry about her anymore".
"Trust me I won't. Even if she came back I wont. I want to get a divorce. I am filling for a divorce".
Lucia falls back on the bed looking up at the ceiling, "I don't know an Anastasi woman who has ever dated. I'm scared for you Sophia".
***
For some reason Giovanni comes home the next day around noon and the first thing he asks me is why I shot at Maria.
I wasn't even graced with a greeting which didn't phase me, it's been months since I felt the warmth of my husband's and arms and lips.
"I didn't shoot her-"
"Sophia there are bullet holes in the walls and she told me what happened".
I laugh, "So instead of speaking to your wife about it first, you go to the maid who's at fault-"
He glares at me, "You should not have gotten your hands on my gun-"
I smile, "Speaking of guns, I want to learn how to shoot. Just incase I need to protect myself from your enem-"
He frowns, "No, you don't. I'll protect you-"
"I don't trust you to protect me".
He steps back as hurt flashes in his eyes, "What are you talking about? Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?"
I stand up knocking the chair over, "Well maybe if you were home often you would know what's been going on! But you keep your mafia business before your wife and child. You know why Luca cries when you hold him? Because he doesn't know you! Your son doesn't know your his father but you don't care because YoU hAvE a MaFiA tO RuN".
I know I shouldn't have brought up how Luca cries when Giovannie holds him. It was terrible enough that Giovanni was hurt about it but he doesn't do anything to change it. If he cared enough he would cut back working to spend time with his son.
I watch as he grips the onto the table, "Really Sophia? That was low. I work hard everyday to take care of the both of you, if I could I'd be home with you two instead. This isn't about Luca this is about your insecurities".
"And what about my insecurities since you seem to have figured me out?"
"I know you think I'm cheating on you-"
"Maybe because that's what everyone keeps telling me!", I snap.
"So you fired one of my maids because you thought I was sleeping with her?"
My anger was over the roof, "go sleep with her! I don't care anymore Giovanni! Coming home late and leaving early in the morning-You want to belong to the streets? Fine, I want a divorce".
"I'm going to guess that you called me a manwh*re. And what did I tell you about divorce Sophia?"
I shrug, "I don't care what you told me. Don't act like you haven't been wearing your wedding ring for a couple of months now".
He holds up his finger where a tattoo has taken the place of his ring.
"I can't wear my ring because I could get blood on it or it could get stolen. So I wear your name and our wedding date on my finger in ink. This tattoo-along with Luca's name stays with me till the grave. Weather you divorce me or not".
I sigh closing my eyes, "I want to hear the truth from your lips. Don't lie to me Giovanni, have you cheated on me?"
He steps forward and strokes my cheek, "Never have and never will. That's a promise I'll take to the grave".
I nod and allow him to pull me in for a hug. It was still sunny outside but Giovanni leads me to our room where he closes the blinds and crawls in bed next to me with Luca in his arms.
"I'm sorry for being distance and I'll explain everything to you in a minute. Right now I need you to come here and tell me everything".
And I do. From my first encounter with Maria, my postpartum depression to Maria calling Luca a bastard.
For the first time in months I feel at peace.