Chapter 5
After offering Adrian a pillow and a comforter, I went to Jace's room. I found Jace lounging on his bed, having treated his wounds by himself. I quietly shut the door and entered inside. I briefly inspected his injuries, he had few scratches and a black eye, nothing that required dire attention. He stared at me, and I stared right back. We both knew it wasn't going to be an easy conversation. Without the amusement and adrenaline, we were left with an impending confrontation.
I had traveled miles and searched different continents for the person who was sitting right in front of me. But now, when he was right there, I didn't know how to feel. I had planned this over and over in my head. I had imagined the different things I'd say when I finally met him, but my throat felt frozen. I was scared of the outcome. I was scared that any wrong move on my part would further push him away. I was scared to lose him.
And I never felt scared.
Not when I was hospitalised. When the vicious rumours circulated about me. When my Aunt had threatened me.
In all those moments, I simply didn't care. I felt indifferent and numb about the outcome of my life. There was no thumping in my heart or sweat on my forehead. Neither did I feel restless nor did my hands shake.
I didn't experience the emotions I was feeling right now. The nervousness was clawing at me, but this was a battle I couldn't bear to lose.
"You were supposed to keep him out of trouble, not get involved in a fight." I trod carefully, not willing to dive straight into the point.
"If you've come to scold me, don't bother. This isn't the first time this is happening and it certainly won't be the last," he said with a sense of finality, I sighed. I gently sat on the edge of the bed and looked Jace directly in the eye.
"What are you trying to achieve here, Jace?" I asked softly.
My well-protected armour couldn't protect my heart when the person who I needed protection from already owned it.
Jace was my Achilles heel, my breaking point. All that he said, all that he did, affected me irrevocably.
"Nothing that concerns you." He feigned indifference and I wanted to feel hurt that he had to keep a pretense with me. That even after two years, he couldn't just hug me or tell me that he had missed me as much as I had missed him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it either.
When had something so pure become tainted? When had our simple love become so complicated?
"You are my brother, Jace. Everything you do concerns me," I said truthfully.
He mattered to me more than myself. I couldn't hurt him with my words or my behavior. It was hard for me to say what I truly meant, but for Jace, I'd cross any hurdle. I'd get out of my comfort zone and face my fears.
His warmth melted my ice.
"We aren't exactly siblings, you see." He said in an attempt to hurt me, and it did. But I didn't flinch, recoil, or bawl my eyes out as he had expected. I just stared into his eyes and let him bear witness to the mess I was on the inside.
Not because of him, but because of everything that had made me who I was today.
I knew he didn't mean it. I knew my protective loving brother was there, somewhere, hidden behind his mask of indifference.
We all wore masks, sometimes to protect ourselves, sometimes to protect others.
I wore mine to protect myself, and Jace wore his to protect me. What I needed to learn was, what did he believe I needed protection from?
"You can try hurting me, Jace, but it won't work. I have handled my fair share of hurt, and it doesn't affect me anymore. But I need you to know that you are and will always be my family, and nothing can change that," I said softly, meaning every word of it. Jace seemed taken aback at my composure.
What was he expecting? The same 16-year old who he had left behind, who had been emotional and vulnerable. He was in for a surprise.
"You should know by now, to not have such high hopes from life, Olivia," he said in a condescending tone. I could see myself in him. All those times, I had shrugged away people or made them dislike me because I couldn't trust them. Or simply because I believed they deserved better than someone who'd never be good enough for them.
"You're talking about high hopes? I don't have any hope at all. Hope is a fickle emotion, it crushes you in the end. We have high exceptions because we hope and we believe that things will get better eventually, the world will become a fine place for us to live in. Guess what? I know better, now. I know that we need to struggle and keep fighting for what we truly want. We can't leave it up to hope, to offer us our dreams on a silver platter. We fight a series of battles to keep going ahead and getting what we want because we are strong enough to do so. So here I am, fighting for you." I finished and looked at him with the love I never expressed. The adoration I always felt and the gratefulness that resonated within me.
His eyes wavered, and I could see his resolve breaking.
"I am not worth fighting for, Olivia." Jace sighed and ran a hand through his hair. And I finally thought I had made a breakthrough when he decided to shut off again.
"That's up to me to decide," I said confidently, but was met with a blank look.
"I can't go back. I'm sorry to disappoint you," he said with conviction but wasn't sorry at all.
I looked outside the window and saw the city life before me. The street lights cast a gentle glow on the bridge which shone brightly. People were alive, living vicariously on the streets. They seemed happy and free, the irony.
"You can't or you won't?" I asked him. I needed to know what was holding him back and holding him here of all places.
"Does it even matter?" He said in an exasperated tone.
"It does to me," I said. What are you hiding, Jace? What are you protecting me from?
"Get off your high horse, Olivia, because the world doesn't revolve around you. You've always desired for people's attention. But haven't you learned your lesson already? Don't seek validation or love from me cause I can't give it to you anymore. My life isn't centered around you anymore. It's my life, and I don't need to put your needs before mine. Maybe it is your fault for always being the good-natured girl who wanted to help people, too bad they didn't value you cause they didn't buy your pretentious act. And nor do I want it, so stop interfering in my life and go live your own." He finished, and he knew he had played his final card to push me away. I stood up from the bed.
Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes, but I wasn't going to cry in his presence and give him the satisfaction of hurting me. I tried to keep my tears at bay, I hadn't cried once in the past two years, and I wasn't going to let this incident change it. He noticed my teary eyes, and realised that he had taken it too far. But he didn't take it back, and I knew it had hurt him as much as it had hurt me.
I cleared my throat to prevent a crack in my voice and looked straight into his eyes. I showed him the hurt and disappointment I felt to be exploited by my deepest insecurity, and by the person, I loved the most.
He knew the weight of his words. He knew how each word had pierced me like a bullet. He decided to bring up my demons but I was stronger this time around, I could face them.
I didn't believe I was a victim anymore. I hadn't been appreciated for being good, but it didn't matter, cause I didn't have any left to give. The naive optimistic girl was long gone, and in her place stood a cold-hearted bitch whose heart could only beat for herself.
"You know, I wasn't hurt when you were angry to see me. It didn't matter that you didn't ask me how I'd been in the past two years. It didn't hurt me that you didn't spare me a smile because I was so happy that you were safe and alright. I knew the risk of finding you. I had imagined different outcomes. From getting thrown out at first glance to have you disappear before I could finally find you. Despite my better knowledge, I even pictured a scenario where you'd welcome me with open arms. And I'd finally let go of my pretense and embrace your warmth." I gave him a dry laugh, with no charisma laced in it. Few tears decided to fall and I didn't bother wiping them. I saw a myriad of emotions floating through his eyes. Affection. Resentment. Concern. They resonated within me and I found myself getting swayed but I held my ground.
"But honestly, I wasn't prepared for this. Don't worry, Jace. I'll be fine. I'm used to being hurt. I normally would ignore it but you know the weight of your words, and that's exactly why you chose them. You chose to hurt me, rather than tell me the truth. So, whatever you're trying to keep me away from, it'd better be worth it." Another deceitful tear slipped out my eye, and I wiped it with the back of my hand. He moved to interrupt me or console me, but I flinched in return. A look of hurt passed through his face.
"I didn't come here to uproot you from your precious life. I wanted you to return for your own good, hard to believe from my pretentious mouth, but I'll be truthful, cause that's the least I can do for you." My voice cracked in the middle, and I took a deep breath to calm myself down.
"There is a board meeting scheduled next month to remove you as the chairman and to hand over the company to our beautiful relatives. The company our parents built and worked endlessly for. Before you argue, hear the truth that you had ignored while drowning in your guilt. Dad always knew. He knew you weren't his son yet he loved you and brought you up as his own. And his hard work and success will die down because you are a coward and a liar who won't go back and take what is rightfully yours." I said in a calm, leveled tone. My tears had dried up, much like my emotions. Jace looked bewildered at the revelation and more so at my composure.
"So, you get off your high horse and regain your senses. Let go of what is holding you back for a month and then do whatever the hell you want with your life. I won't bother you with my worries. I won't interrupt your life even if I miss you terribly cause I'm tired of running after you. But whenever you need me, I'll be there for you." I paused when I saw a tear escape Jace's eyes.
"Lastly, that day wasn't your fault Jace. I lost my footing, and I fell on the glass. You didn't hurt me. So stop beating yourself over it, you are stronger than that. You and Alexis are the only good in my life Jace, so no matter what you say or do, I won't let go. Come to me when you can talk about what's compelling you to hurt yourself by hurting me. But if you can't, then let me be." I finished, and he looked troubled like he was fighting a lone battle. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't have it in me. He tried to say something but chose to remain silent.
I turned back and moved towards the door, my hand was looming over the doorknob when Jace whispered, "I'm sorry, Liv."
His voice was strained. He was hurt by his actions.
I looked over my shoulder and gave him a soft smile.
I'm sorry too, Jace.
And I walked away.
With my eyes brimming with tears and a flushed face, I made my way to the kitchen. I flinched as I heard the sounds of banging and breaking coming from Jace's room after my departure. I controlled the urge to comfort him. He didn't need me, not when he was like that. Things could only take a turn for the worse, and we didn't want history repeating itself.
I grabbed a bottle of Chateau Lafite 1869 wine from the bottle holder and placed it on the counter facing the lounge. I attempted to open it with a corkscrew, but my shaking hands wouldn't comply. Adrian chose that very moment to walk inside the apartment while ending a phone call. I made the mistake of looking up into his eyes.
He saw me and his eyes widened. I tried my best to school my features, but I couldn't succeed. He narrowed his eyes to find the source of my state, and heard the noises from the adjacent room. A look of understanding dawned on his features. Great job, Sherlock.
I ignored his inquisitive and concerned stare and reverted to the task at hand. My hands kept shaking, and I heard a sigh from his end. He didn't seem to take a hint and walked across the counter to stand beside me.
"Let me help you," he murmured. He stared at me, and I could see that he didn't mean it in reference to the corkscrew. He wanted to help me, and I didn't understand why? Maybe he had a Schweitzer complex but I didn't need his help.
I was fine on my own. I wasn't weak that I'd crumble so easily. I had been pushed down too many times, but I always pulled myself back up. I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves.
"I can do it by myself," I hissed as my hands continued to shake. I tried to hold the bottle by one hand while the other tried rotating the corkscrew. He stood next to me with his arms crossed, staring at me expectantly. My hands kept shivering and it was borderline embarrassing. I just decided to ditch the idea of drinking and placed the corkscrew on the table.
I turned away from the counter and took a step to move past Adrian. He muttered something like "stubborn woman" under his breath before he caught my arm and whirled me around. In a flash, he had my back, flushed against his chest. He guided his hands by trailing them over the length of my arms before holding my hands in his.
I was too surprised to move, and the onslaught of sudden tingles certainly didn't help my case. Bloody hormones.
His breath caressed the crook of my neck, and I sucked in a breath. He picked the corkscrew while my hand was still in his and slowly placed it onto the bottle. One hand guided mine to the bottle while the other slowly rotated the cork. In no time, the bottle was open, and he whispered into my ear, "You did it."
Then he moved back, and I realized what he had meant. I had been so distracted by his presence that my hands had stopped shaking. I hadn't realized that his hand wasn't holding mine. It was my hand that had rotated the opener and eventually opened the bottle.
In his peculiar way, he had comforted and helped me. Emotionally and physically, he had acted like a stimulus that had eased my anguish and turned it into determination.
I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own and I did it.
The same way if I put my mind to it, I could heal emotionally.
"Don't ever do that again," I muttered coldly before grabbing the bottle and moving past him. He didn't stop me this time, and for that I was grateful. He had a small smile on his face when I crossed him, and I didn't understand what it meant.
How could he smile at my coldness?
I was rude, no I was downright mean and ungrateful towards him from the start then why did he keep coming back? I detested my behavior towards him, then why didn't he detest me?
I didn't bother understanding his motives, we'd never see each other again.
I took a large sip of the wine and settled in the reclining chair in the balcony. I looked up at the night sky and smiled at the stars shining above me.
The soft glowing lights against the dark sky calmed the inner turmoil brewing within me. That was the beauty of stargazing, it made you contemplate and admire the beauty in the finest things in life.
It was a momentary escape from the harsh reality. I was all alone, yet under the sky, I felt less lonely. Like people were watching over me, maybe my parents were out there too.
I sighed and took another sip of the wine.
Jace's words rang in the back of my mind.
You've always desired for people's attention.
I used to be a naive, cheerfully, optimistic girl. I was a poster child in everyone's eyes and constantly sought validation and love from the people around me. A habit which had stemmed from the lack of attention I received from my parents, who were always too busy for me. They either were absorbed in their work or in taking care of their troublemaker son. I didn't resent them but always hoped for the day they would acknowledge me.
I became insecure of myself, of being good to people only to not be liked by them. I blamed myself for it, always believing that it was my fault. That I wasn't enough.
There were a lot of people who I had been friends with but no one stuck by me, after my parents' death. They either pitied me or had no use of me. My heart hardened after their death.
Don't seek validation or love from me cause I can't give it to you anymore.
I remained passionate, hardworking, and kind though I stopped letting people in. But I had Jace to ground me and make me feel loved. I was fine as long as I had him and Alexis.
Too bad they didn't value you cause they didn't buy your pretentious act.
He helped me believe in myself and that the fault wasn't in me, but the people around me and the circumstances we lived in. I remained a little detached to the world around me, but was still good to people and helped them out.
And nor do I want it so stop interfering in my life and go live your own.
Then Jace left and I became cold. There was no further loss I could take. My loyalty lied with no one but me. I became my anchor, tougher than I had ever been.
A tear slipped out of my eye, for the girl I used to be. For the girl who had been taken for granted. Used and exploited by people for their own gain. I had been too good for the world and the world was too blind to accept it.
But there was no place for good in this place.
That's why I became who I was today.
One cold look and the world could freeze over for all I cared.