TW?: IT'S CHRISTMAS! I celebrate Christmas, so if you don't then I'm sorry but I do! I recognize that not everyone celebrates it, so I thought I should make a warning just in case!
–– About one month later...
It's Christmas Eve Eve and you got home a week ago. You were helping your mum put up the Christmas tree while your dad sat laughing at the two of you. Your mum held the bottom ring while you tried to line up the stem of the tree. Laughing you finally got it in and you grabbed the next layer. You always wondered why your parents insisted on buying a tree so massive that it came in three parts, but when it was up and decorated it made the living room look beautiful.
"See? That wasn't so hard was it girls?" Your dad was still laughing, sitting on his recliner chair with his left leg propped up. He bent forward and winced. Your mum went to his side quickly and you managed to put the next layer on.
"Billy, you have to be careful." She put her hand on your dads upper thigh, her other hand pressing his chest back down into the chair.
Your dad huffed, "I know, I just wish I could help my two girls. It isn't the same when we don't put the tree up together." He shrugged. He was smiling, but you could tell he was so sad.
Defeated.
It had been a tradition since you were little that the three of you always put the tree up together, every year on December 23rd, no matter what. That is until this year. You smiled back at your dad, letting him hand you the third and final layer of the tree.
"Don't worry dad, we got this!" He grinned back at you, but you noticed his head drop low when you took the top of the tree from him. You and your mum completed the tree, and while your mum was fluffing up the branches you went over to sit on the ground beside your dads chair. He helped you pick the ornaments and baubles to put on the tree first, he always liked to pick the order they went on. It changed every year and he said that he went with however he was feeling that holiday season.
He decided on the baby blue and silver ones first, snowflakes and icicles. You hummed along to the Christmas music as you hung them on the tree. Glancing back at your dad every few minutes to get his opinion on where they should go. Your mum started detangling the string-lights and you continued following your dads directions for the ornaments.
You'd spent the entire day decorating the tree, it was no easy feat. The tree was huge, and there were so many different ornaments to choose from. Tinsel and lights to finish it off. You searched the boxes for the tree-topper: an angel that your parents got the year you were born. They said that you were their angel, and so for your first ever Christmas they wanted to make it special. Now it was added to the tradition. When you were little, your dad would lift you up on his shoulders so you could place the angel on the top, when you got too big, he'd just hover behind you and hold your shoulders.
You turned to face him, sitting in the chair, holding the angel. "Dad, I-" He cut you off, already trying to get up.
"No honey, I have to do this with you. We can't break this tradition." You hopped over to him, helping him to his feet... well his foot you should say. You lifted his leg off the chair and held him steady as he straightened his other leg. He winced and wobbled a bit, but you held him strong, letting him place much of his weight onto you. You grabbed the crutch that was beside his chair and handed it to him. He nodded in thanks.
He was so stubborn and so determined that he let go of your completely and hobbled over to the tree with his crutch, his other hand still holding on to the angel. You followed closely behind him so that he wouldn't fall, and when you reached the tree you went to stand in front of him. He handed you the angel.
"Thanks dad, I love you." You spun and stepped onto the little stool so you could reach the top. Your dad was much taller than you, so when you were on the stool he could reach his arms up and hold your shoulders comfortably. But this time you only felt one hand. You glanced down and saw him stretching and struggling even to reach one arm up.
"I love you too honey." His voice sounded strained, but so so happy. You quickly plopped the angel on the top of the tree and climbed back down. Holding onto your dad you both looked up at her. She sat so beautifully. Her hands placed in front of her waist, her white and gold and silver dress dancing in the dim light. Her halo held high above her head.
You both jumped a little when the entirety of the tree lit up. You spun around to see your mum standing by the light switch, holding her video camera. She was crying. So emotional. That's where you got it from. You leaned into your dad, careful not to throw his balance off. He groaned, so you ushered him to sit back down, hoisting his leg up so that it sat comfortably elevated.
You sat on the couch beside your dad, reaching over to hold onto his hand. You exhaled, feeling somewhat relaxed and normal. This was tradition, this was a regular occurrence that you could use to distract your conflicted mind. So much has happened in the last month that you were still trying to process it all.
You left Kylo, broke up with him. If you could even call it that since you weren't actually girlfriend-boyfriend. You had continued your classes as normally as you could. Your grades suffered a little bit, but you were able to bang out your finals. You became distant and alienated yourself from Finn and Pax. Leia and Han too.
You'd told Leia about Reading Week the day before you left Kylo, and you felt mentally exhausted after having to explain to her that you'd left him the day after you told her everything was so amazing. Pax caught on quickly when Kylo stopped coming to the Starbucks, he didn't bother asking you about it because he knew you so well he didn't need to. Plus you were sure that Leia filled him in at some point.
You leaned your head on your arm, your hand still in your fathers. He squeezed it softly and you looked up at him. "You okay honey?" He tilted his head, matching the angle you were looking at him. You shrugged, "Yeah dad I'm fine." You weren't. And you know he knew you weren't. But he still smiled and nodded, letting you resume sulking into your arm.
You felt bad. You felt like an asshole daughter because all you were thinking about were your problems even though your dad was injured. You sighed. Your mum was working tirelessly around the house, doing twice as much work because your dad couldn't get around very well. She had to do everything he used to do, on top of what she already did. You tried to help her out as much as you could, but either she turned you down, or you were too busy wallowing in your own self-pity to help her.
You knew your parents recognized your behaviour was different, but they were too busy trying to run their lives that they didn't ask about it. I'm such an asshole, you thought. If you could only tell them why you're distant, then maybe you could feel less weight on your heart and help around the house some more.
"When is everyone getting here tomorrow Billy?" Your mum called from the dining room, hanging garland and poinsettia's on the mantle of the fireplace that sat in there. She always made the most beautiful bouquet's in her shop, Christmas was her favourite time of the year too.
You were playing chess with your dad. One of the main reasons your mum turned down your help, you thought, is because she didn't want your dad to be by himself. So she'd say she would do the chores and you spend time entertaining your dad. You couldn't argue with that logic, and you liked spending time with your dad. Even if he did ask too many questions about Greek Myth.
"Uh, I think around 11:00am. Ha! Checkmate." He called over his shoulder as he trapped your king. You gaped at the board, how could you leave him so vulnerable? You related to his current state more than you cared to admit to yourself, so you just chimed in to your parents conversation.
"Okay hon, I'll have brunch ready then by 11:30!" You heard her humming in between sentences.
"I'll help you mum!" You called into the dining room, looking up to see her pop her head through the doorway, smiling. "Thanks honey, that'd be great!" You smiled back at her this time, happy that she didn't just reject you again. You figured it was because dad would be busy enough with your guests.
This holiday season could not be further away from the traditions your family had abided by for the past 23 years, and it was making you uneasy. You always spent Christmas Eve with your parents, just the three of you. Then on Christmas Day, you guys would go to the national park that was near your house and spend the day walking through the snow and go ice skating.
This year though, none of the regular programming would be happening. You couldn't be too angry though, because it could be a lot worse. Instead of the three of you, there could have been only two. You shuddered and your dad stroked your hand with his thumb. He knew you were still upset over what happened, that it shook you up even more than you already were. But since then he's done nothing but comfort you, and you were grateful for it.
You were curious to see how tomorrow and the next couple days would go. You figured that this holiday season was going to be worlds different for all the families involved, not just yours. Tomorrow is going to be one of the Christmas Eve's to remember, whether you wanted to or not.
You stayed up watching Christmas movies with your parents until about 11:45pm, calling it quits after you yawned for like the sixth time in a row. Kissing them goodnight, you sauntered to your room. Shutting the door behind you, you flicked on your lamp. Sitting on the edge of your bed you looked out the window in front of you. You could just barely make out the stars in the sky. The clouds making them look fuzzy and hazed.
You flicked on the string of Christmas lights you hung underneath your window and let the vibrant colours soothe your aching heart. They twinkled and danced, and for a moment you didn't feel the weight of sadness on your soul. Christmas was your favourite time of the year, but this year you thought that you couldn't have felt worse.
Looking around your room, you tried to locate things from your childhood that would bring fond memories to the forefront of your brain. Searching for little bits to prompt your brain to sift through the logs of your long-term memory. Your eyes settled upon a small stuffed bunny, it's pink fur faded to a grey-ish colour. The plushness gone and replaced with matted hardness. You felt sad looking at it, remembering it as your favourite toy, but seeing it as a discarded affection.
Next.
You looked at the pictures that framed your mirror on your dresser, bent corners and sepia splotches creeping along the edges from how old they were, from being cast in the sunlight for years and years. Pictures of you with your parents, doing mundane child-things: riding a bike, playing with chalk, painting, eating food. All of which you remember so fondly. Yet you couldn't help but feel a lurking gloom emanate into your brain, fuelled from the feeling of distant unreachable reminiscence.
Ugh. Next.
Frantically looking around your room, you realized that there wasn't anything else. At least not that you could physically see with your eyes. Your heart sank a bit further. Your eyes heavy with exhaustion, both from sleepiness and from the over-exertion of your thoughts.
You walked into your ensuite bathroom and splashed cold water in your face, inhaling sharply as the ice took to your soul. You brushed you teeth and put your hair in a loose braid. You already had your pj's on, so you crawled into bed. Turning your heated mattress pad on, you spooned your over-sized body pillow, clutching your body to it like it was another person. Like it was him.
A single tear left your eye and fell onto the body pillow. You'd only allow yourself one tear tonight, so you fought back against your glands and swallowed your tears before they could escape. Over the past week, you'd gotten quite good and slaying your emotions, suppressing their expressions before they could make your inner turmoil known. Yes, your parents knew something was wrong, but for the time being you could blame in on the events from a couple weeks ago.
You sighed, long and hard. Over-exaggerated for sure. It was becoming a new routine since you've been home, actually even before then; since you found out what had happened to your dad. Your new routine consisted of you lying in bed, not going to sleep, and doing a roll-call of the events in your life that have catastrophically drop-kicked your soul into the ground.
Beginning with your fight with Kylo, resulting in you walking out on him.
Since then, you've fought with yourself about whether or not it was the right thing. You sure as hell didn't feel any better without him, nor did you feel pleased and at peace with your decision. You could have made it work, just waited patiently until you graduated like the good girl Kylo always said you were. You clenched. But nooooo, you had to go and be a dumb bitch, leaving the only good thing to ever happen to you just because he wouldn't be your boyfriend.
Replaying it over in your mind every night made you cower, realizing that you were, in fact, a psychopath who 100% doesn't deserve him anymore. There was no way in hell that you were going to be the first one to reach out, and since he hadn't tried contacting you, you figured it was really over. You wondered how he felt after you walked out of his office. Sad? Angry? Confused? Relieved even? You went over scenario after scenario but nothing came from it. You went to class fine, paid attention and took decent notes. Ignored Finn and Kylo simultaneously. When Kylo walked around the classroom, he never went near your spot. He never looked at you, called on you, said your name, or anything.
You kept telling yourself you were fine with that, and perhaps at the time you were. But thinking about it now, you had the eureka! moment where you realized you are no longer fine with that. Hell, you weren't fine with anything anymore. Whatever. You'd gotten through the rest of the semester without too much trouble. You went to class, worked, ate, and slept. And that was all you needed. It wasn't until the last week before you came home when not only everything at your uni life went to shit, but also everything at your home life went to shit.
You were studying quietly with Leia in the living room, you only had one exam left: psych. It's going to be easy enough, you remember thinking to yourself as you saw your mum calling you. You hit the 'answer' button and your world ended. You shot to your feet at your mothers words and started running into your room, telling her that you were coming home. She, of course, stopped you and told you that you wouldn't be able to do anything to help them there, but that you needed to stay there and finish the semester. That that would help your parents' minds stay at ease. Well, as much ease as they could obtain considering.
More tears welled up, but you bit them back and stifled your sob. You'd never had anyone close to you be so injured. Leia once broke her wrist and had that neat hard cast you could sign, but that's it. Nothing this serious. And this was serious. Serious enough that your dad had to cancel his trip, and you and your mum had to cancel yours. He was devastated, for both himself and you girls. You honestly couldn't care less about your trip, but you felt a great deal of empathy for your dad. He'd been so excited about this trip, he hadn't been on one since his graduate days at uni.
All his hard work, planning with his friends, saving and budgeting, all to be ripped from his pure heart in a second. A foolish second. You felt anger bubbling in you then. Anger at your dad who just couldn't stay out of retirement, that he had to get a mundane day-job to stay busy. Anger at the dipshit company he chose to work for. Anger at the twat of a teenage employee that shouldn't have been operating that forklift. The little fucker should have been fired, but noooo, the big fucker of the company just let it slide.
'An accident' they said. You couldn't believe that they couldn't see how this was as far from an accident as it could get, but your dad didn't want any lawyers involved so he didn't sue. Plus he's the softest human being on earth, and he couldn't ruin the twats life. You admired your dad for his forgiving behaviour, something that you could have used when talking to Kylo last month.
'Excessive nerve damage' they said, 'ruptured and teared ligaments and muscles throughout the entire leg' they told us, 'six weeks of no (to limited )movements, then another four weeks of physiotherapy, then maybe another year of rebuilding strength and muscle' they explained. All because some fucking 15-year-old kid, a fucking cashier who had no business or authorization, decided to take a joyride on the forklift and ram one of the prongs right into your dads left leg.
Your dad was in a straight-cast. A boot the full fucking length of his tall leg. Two weeks had gone by since the 'accident' and he was already going stir-crazy. You weren't sure how he'd last four more with almost no mobility. You were dreading going back to uni in January, leaving your mum to do everything again. She assured you that she'd be fine, that she'd call her friends if they needed help. You thought that this would be a good time to have other family, but both your parents are only-children, your grandparents on both sides already gone. And you. You're an only child too. No cool cousins to grow up with.
You felt your mind start to slow, your breathing becoming slow and long and deep. You were falling asleep. Finally. You welcomed it like the night welcomes the moon, with open arms and curtains of darkness. You allowed your inner rant to cease for this evening, satisfied with your self-pity session. Tomorrow would be another day, so different than what you were used to. But maybe that was a good thing. You needed some excitement to stir up your idle soul. Just before you completely lost yourself to unconsciousness, you made a mental note to welcome whatever happens tomorrow with eagerness and excitement, no matter what.
No matter what.
Authors Note: WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! Next chapter should be up tomorrow I hope. It's Canada Day so it probably won't be up until later in the evening! Love you guys xoxo