Jolie felt settled in. December had come in like a bear with gusting winds and icy pellet like snow whipping across the prairie. Most days were gray and overcast. A significant amount of Christmas lights had popped up on the homes of Warren's neighbors in the last few days which helped to dispel some of the gloom.
She'd learned the everyday running of Re-Threads and had been opening and closing on her own for the last two weeks. Jolie liked Estelle and Hailey the girl who worked the other end of the week. Business was steady with Christmas coming down the pipe and Jolie left each day feeling like she'd earned her pay.
Home life felt comfortable now too. They'd settled into a smooth repertoire of work and dinner with a movie, television or conversation until bed. Most weekends she spent relaxing with a movie or a good book unless Warren suggested something more interesting and invited her along.
For the most part he'd dropped the more uncomfortable subjects. He no longer prodded her to discuss her life before she'd run or how she was dealing with her grief over Luke. They're conversations mostly centered on their likes, dislikes and random news topics. Jolie couldn't help thinking it was like a long protracted first date. Damn her treacherous mind!
She made a conscious effort to keep her thoughts and her hormones in check. It was easier to be in her room or otherwise distracted when he came home from the gym. Something about him looking sweaty and tousled made keeping her hands to herself and her mind out of the gutter too hard. Not that the freshly showered and clothed version was that much easier.
Warren was funny and intelligent. She looked forward to their conversations. He had an uncanny ability to see the funny side of everything and state it in an even funnier way. Jolie couldn't remember a time when she'd laughed as much as she had in the weeks she'd been at Warren's.
Nights were a tense balancing act of cozy relaxation and beating down her traitorous thoughts. She loved snuggling down under a quilt on the couch and watching a movie or show in the flickering glow of the wood stove. Warren's warm silent body on the other end of the couch was both comforting and maddening. More often than she'd like to admit she'd found herself distracted from the screen by her thoughts of her roommate.
He had large strong hands that had proven surprisingly gentle in the few times she'd had contact with them. Luke had had similar hands. Without asking he'd often simply pulled her feet into his lap rubbed them absentmindedly while they spent time talking or relaxing. Jolie couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like if Warren did the same.
In truth, she yearned to be touched. She'd had little to zero contact with others while she'd been gone. At first it had seemed like heaven. All the weeks of hugs and sympathy pats after Luke's funeral had made her want to scream. People she'd never met and didn't know from Adam suddenly wanted to invade her space and express how badly they felt for her.
She'd tried to keep it in perspective and remember that they simply wanted to show sympathy for the situation but to Jolie in her fresh grief everything seemed fake and suffocating.
Day to day, going from place to place, there had been no reason to touch other people or be within close proximity. Most nights she'd pulled in late to the RV Park or campground and left early. Waitresses and gas station attendants had made up the bulk of her social interaction for the last 18 months.
Yet here she found herself sharing a home with an undeniably sexy male whose company she very much enjoyed. Not only that but she'd made several acquaintances in her short stay that she'd really enjoyed. In fact, she would be meeting Barb and Sue in town on her next day off to do a little Christmas shopping and girl talk.
During the day as she bustled here and there she noticed how attractive Warren was to other women as well; there was no way around it. He had deep green eyes and a wide genuine smile in addition to his amazing body. Jolie couldn't imagine a woman on the planet who could simply turn a blind eye to her male cohabitant but it still created a disturbing sense of unease when she caught another woman openly ogling him. Everywhere they went women shot her speculative glances; trying to discern their relationship and decide if it was a good idea to make a move.
The last thing she wanted to do was be a roadblock to Warren's chance at a good relationship, she often simply dropped her eyes and tried to look non-threatening. She couldn't help it if she smiled a little smile when the woman in question chose not to take a shot or when Warren brushed the brave ones aside.
As uncomfortable as the public world was, the worst times were in those quiet hours of the night when she could hear his quiet breathing or light chuckle only feet away from her. Her mind wandered without her permission and suddenly she'd find herself deep in wondering what it would be like to lay her head on his chest and have those muscled arms wrapped around her.
Mentally she'd climbed into his lap and been engulfed in his arms so many times.
Immediately after such an episode she'd berate herself with reminders of her promise never to forget or abandon her feelings for Luke. The shame ate at her late at night. Despite the weather, her bike and all the good things that had happened she sometimes felt like running again. Luckily, so far, she'd been able to talk sense into herself when feeling overwhelmed.
She was actively shoving curious thoughts about what kind of a kisser he'd be from her mind when he barged loudly through the front door instead of the garage door they routinely used dragging a giant fir tree behind him.
"Holy cow! Let me help you!" She dropped the dish towel she'd been wiping down the counter with and rushed to the other side of the tree. Between the two of them they'd gotten it upright and secured in a tree stand in the corner of the living room. Warren stood back and admired his work with a look of pride.
"That is a good tree!" He announced proudly with a smile that threatened to melt Jolie's heart. "What do you think?"
"I agree. It's lovely." And it was. She didn't know much about trees but thought it was a Douglas fir and wondered where he'd gotten it since she'd not seen any of that species growing in the area. "Where did you get it?"
"There is a guy who brings a load down from somewhere up north. They're a bit spendy but way better than some scraggly sparse pine tree." He disappeared into the garage and returned with three large storage containers stacked on top of each other. "You'll help me right?" He placed the tubs on the ground and looked up at her imploringly.
"Of course, if that is what you want. I love Christmas." He immediately lit up with that smile again and she had to look away.
"So did my mom. There are three more tubs of decorations out there and that does not include the outside lights. I haven't pulled them out in years; I hope all the lights still work." He disappeared back into the depths of the garage. Jolie stood rooted in the middle of the living room and stared at the tree. It brought to mind the wild beauty of growing up in northern Idaho and all the deep forests of that region.
Warren returned and broke her reverie. They got to work decorating the tree and when it was finished Warren retreated to the outside to hook lights along the eaves while Jolie draped garland and placed candles and figurines from Warren's mother's store about the house.
He returned to find her basking in only the light of the tree and listening to the soft Christmas music she'd found on a satellite radio station.
"You found a channel playing it already?" She'd nodded and returned her attention to the tree. She'd been lost deep in the memory of her last Christmas with Luke and she still hadn't quite gotten a reign on her emotions.
They'd just purchased the house and he'd bought a tiny little tree at Home Depot and brought it home. The five bulbs and strand of lights they'd placed on it had weighed heavily on its slender limbs. Jolie had almost protested decorating it at all in fear of harming it but Luke had professed it much stronger than it looked.
She remembered standing in the circle of his arms as he'd whispered softly into her ear that although he wouldn't be home for Christmas day itself he'd be thinking of her. He'd promised to make it up to her the next Christmas when they'd be married and he'd be home for good.
She'd sent so many cards and letters over the years. Each one prayed over, and many times cried over, as she'd begged God not to take him; to keep him safe and return him to her. They hadn't worked. God had taken him anyway.
"We do good work." Warren stepped up to stand beside her and she couldn't quite wipe away the tears as stealthily as she'd hoped. "Hey now it's ok, whatever it is. You don't have to do that. You don't have to hide."
Jolie smiled at how sweet he always was to her but stayed silent. "Would it help if I told you I miss him too?" he asked quietly.
His revelation startled her. He'd yet to mention that he'd known Luke at all much less express a deeper relationship. Warren took a breath and started talking before she could respond.
"He was our steady guy. We all had our places. Your team members are your brothers." He had a fervid intensity in his eyes as he explained. "Dustin was Captain America because he was so gung ho as the pointman. Our assistant gunner, Hoss, was Mr. Hygiene because of all is weird pet peeves, especially for a deployed Marine. Luke was Mr. Steady as our team leader. He made the plans. We all counted on him to keep his head and we all stayed calm because of him. No matter what, nothing rattled Luke." The memories of the days he'd spent marching and shooting through the desert with his brothers filled his mind.
"You didn't come to the funeral." She knew she didn't remember seeing him there. That day was etched into her mind from watching the flag draped casket arrive on the tarmac to standing beside the hole in the ground until she couldn't see it anymore hugging the same folded flag to her chest as she'd cried.
"No. I regret it now but I couldn't do it. I was a coward who could only think of me and how I felt. I'm sorry." He'd been just finishing up school and opening the range. At that time, weekly trips to the VA and long conversations with fellow Veterans at the range where helping him with the long transition back into the world. When the news of Luke hit it had flattened him and almost thrown him back to square one.
His admission hung in the silence. She turned so that she could see him there looking sadly at her. "So what were you?"
"Huh?" His brow wrinkled in confusion.
"You said you all had your place. What was yours?"
"Oh." He cleared his throat and shrugged with his hands in his pockets. "I was our gunner and the funny guy. It was my job to bring everybody back up, keep them laughing, and make things livable so no one ate their gun. I pulled pranks and told jokes." He looked sheepish. It was his continued need to care for his brothers that had pushed him in the direction of using his GI bill funds to get a degree in psychology after he'd gotten out but he didn't mention that. "Luke was definitely the more skilled of the two of us."
"You know that steadiness you talked about? It used to drive me insane. We'd fight about something and I'd get all upset and emotional and he'd just stare at me," She could feel her throat closing but pushed through. "The more upset I got the more it bothered me that he was so stoic. I would scream at him to just talk to me. I wanted him to show that he felt just as deeply about me as I did for him. I would cry at the airport and he would just kiss me and walk away. He was always so strong and I was always such a freaking mess."
She whispered the last as she covered her face and broke down in a new onslaught of tears. Before she knew it strong arms were pulling her into a hard, warm chest. He cupped the back of her head and held her tight.
"I'm still a mess." She moaned. "I wanted to be strong but I couldn't handle it. I felt like I was imploding. I felt like I had to be the widow he deserved; dignified, graceful and sane but all I wanted to do was scream until I couldn't scream anymore. So I just ran away, like a coward."
"No. You are not a coward and he was proud of you. I know it. Luke was a tough nut to crack. We're taught to compartmentalize our feelings; some of us were better than others. Luke was a pro. He loved you, you made it through that hard exterior of his and he loved you. That is something all in itself. I've lost people. I've felt that pain. It's not easy and we all have to deal with it in our own way." He stroked her hair soothingly. "Babe you have got to stop beating yourself up like this. Luke loved you and it's tragic and unfair that he's gone but he would want you to be happy."
He pushed her away until he could see her face. "You can't argue with me on that. We both know he would want to see you happy."
Jolie was suddenly mortified. She'd absolutely lost it in front of Warren in a real big way. She'd never intended to degenerate down into a blubbering heap and the sweet, understanding concern in his eyes just made it worse. She couldn't even imagine how terrible she must look.
She pulled away from him and wiped at the tears and snot with her hands. A large wet spot soaked the front of his shirt and she swiped at it weakly.
"I'm sorry. That is so gross." He laughed and trapped her hand.
"It's fine. I have plenty of shirts. My concern is you. Can you please promise me that you will try to not be so hard on yourself? Please stop slamming on yourself all the time. It hurts me to see it and I know Luke wouldn't want it."
She felt like crying again but his words made it through. She could feel the truth in them seeping into the cracks and she nodded in affirmation. She remembered Luke's face the day he'd asked her to marry him and knew that the man she'd said yes to would never want her to live her life in perpetual pain.
Jolie extricated her hand and turned to go to her room but stopped and turned back to Warren. "Thank you." She kissed him softly on the cheek before leaving.
Warren flopped down on the couch in the jewel toned light of their Christmas tree and watched his heart walk down the hall.