A week later
My family, Chres and I landed from off the plane walking out of the tunnel .Where in my hometown Baltimore, Maryland for some reason it was bittersweet to be back home. I still didn’t feel anything but I was shocked and happy that Chres was coming to the funeral with me for support. I really appreciated it, he's far from the guys I ever dated even though I'm not opening up completely. I like how he's being patient. He's a great friend to have, even though I'm going through all of this I was completely worried about my brother and sister. I was totally against my sister and brother going to the funeral. I didn’t want them to see her dead and gone. Not like they remembered much because they were babies. Thinking back at how I had to raise them while my mother was strung out. I remember all those sleepless nights.
It was 10 pm at night, the funeral starts at 11 am tomorrow and I wasn’t ready. My aunt brought Chres and I our own hotel which I thought was awkward. I was nervous I've never stayed in a hotel with a guy ever in my life or even a bed. Of course my uncle wasn’t too fond of the idea. He liked Chres but he still doesn’t like the idea of his niece lying with some guy; Even though I'm a grown woman. I placed on my shades getting in the rental car with Chres. Mason knocked on the door, I pulled the window down. “Yesssss bro”
“Brelyn is getting on my nerves can I ride to the hotel with you? He asked.
“Sure” I yawned . He opened the back door getting in. “Chres” I called.
“Yeah”
“After the funeral do want a tour around my city? I asked. “Umm sure” he said looking at me strangely. The rest of the ride was quiet, I looked out of the window and I kept having flashbacks.
Flashback
My mother and her boyfriend were getting into another argument. I was in my bedroom next to them trying to fall asleep. I had a final in the morning and I needed some sleep it was 11 o clock and I had to get up at 6. I grabbed my phone and called my neighbor Ms. Elise. She was very nice and understanding. She knew what happened in my house, she knew if I called her this time of night something was going on. Ms. Elise was a friendly widow that lost all of her kids so she didn’t mind watching my siblings for me when I went to work and school. She even gave me a spare key; I had Bre lying on my chest while sleepy Mason was holding my hand. She had the door open for me and this was literally my safe haven. She took Brelyn from me and placed her on the sofa. Once I closed the door I broke all the way down.
“Ms. Elise I can’t take this anymore I'm literally tired” I cried dropping on my knees
“Every night it’s the same shit , My mom is getting cussed out by her boyfriend and beat up I have to save her every time and I am tired. I don’t get any sleep I never got a chance to be a child ever. This is my senior year of high school and she isn’t there physically, mentally, or emotionally for me. She's so stung out she can't even give me money because she's not in the right mind. So I have to go through her bag and get what I need, and then when I get home from school I end up getting cursed out by both of them.
“I don’t know what I'm gonna do I refuse to be like her, How am I gonna go to college who is gonna take care of my sister and brother” I cried. She bent down in front of me.
“Sweetie it’s going to be okay”
“IT'S NOT GONNA BE OKAY, I AM SO TIRED OF EVERY BODY TELLING ME THAT. IT DOESN’T GET BETTER. IT'S HURTS SO DAMN BAD, HOW COULD MY OWN MOTHER NOT BE THERE FOR ME I DON’T DESERVE THIS SHIT. I DON’T ANYTHING TO ANYONE I JUST GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK AND THEN WHEN I GET HOME, I HAVE TO WATCH MY MOTHER BECOME A PUNCHING BAG. IM TIRED”
“Listen to me” She said holding my shoulders. “ Blake I will do the best I can to help you and your siblings. Okay now I want you to pick yourself up and be strong. You will get through this honey. I've been there a lot of us has been there before. You have two beautiful siblings you have to be strong for them. It may not get better right now but soon I promise you it will get better” She said wiping my tears.
End of Flashback
Chres and I walked in our hotel room; he took the suitcase from my hand. And placed it in the closet. I half smiled sitting on my bed there were two beds in this room. I was so nervous; I had butterflies in my stomach. I was praying he wouldn’t try anything too serious. You know how guys get when they have an opportunity, and this was definitely an opportunity.
“Noni texted me telling me that her and Jacob may come down here they want to tour here. I don’t know why there aint shit here” I laughed. “Blake why are you worried about all these other things shouldn’t you be thinking about your mom? He asked.
“It’s not that easy” I said lying back.
“Okay” he said walking in the bathroom. I felt like he was a little frustrated with me, I don’t know what his problem is. He walked back out with nothing but some basketball shorts on revealing his bare chest. My eyes widened, his body was like a fucking masterpiece making me realize he's way out of my league.
“You're not gonna change, take all of your makeup off or anything? He asked. “Yeah” I said getting up walking in the bathroom. I closed the door and stared in the mirror and all I could see was my mother's reflection I was her twin that it was scary and I didn’t want to look anything like her. I washed all the makeup off my face; I wiped it with a towel. I didn’t want Chres to see me so bare. Ugh maybe sharing a room was a bad idea, I feel like I'm beginning to become a little vulnerable and I can’t do that. I pinned my real hair up then I took off my dress off placing on my pajamas. I opened the door hoping he would be sleep.
Chres
I laid on my bed waiting for Blake to come out I know she doesn’t want me to see her without makeup but I didn’t care. She slowly walked out placing her hand on her face. “Ughhhh I feel so naked” she laughed.
“You look pretty either way but damn you look so different without all the loads of makeup on”
“So what are you calling me a clown? She asked placing her hand on her hip. “I didn’t say all of that now”.
“It's cold in here” I said turning on the heater. “Maybe cuz all you have on is some short shorts and a tank. Are you wearing that for me?” I laughed staring at her body, Maybe getting this room wasn’t a good idea because all I wanted was her and her right now. She sat on the edge of my bed “Why do you think I'm doing everything for you. You ain't nobody pshhh” she chuckled.
“Come here”
“Your not gonna like try anything are you? She asked all innocently. “No I promise” I said. She crawled up towards me and I pulled her on top of me giving her a hug. “I know you wanted a hug, you wanted to lie all over my body” I said. She got off “You're really cocky you know that”
“Why wouldn’t I be, I look good”
“And I look the fuck good too” She said. I bit my lip watching her get into her bed.
“Goodnight, Chresanhoe I'm going to sleep” She laughed. “Goodnight sweetie get some rest” I turned over turning off my light. I turned a little trying to get comfortable.
“Chres? She called.
“Yes”
“Thank you”
“You're welcome love” I said looking at the ceiling.
Blake
I laid in my bed looking at the ceiling. Of course I couldn’t sleep my head was drowning with thoughts this would be my first time seeing my whole side of the family. I was nervous, so nervous that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. FUCK IT! I'm sleeping next to Chres tonight, I slowly walked over to his bed and crawled in it. Surprisingly he was still up, we did nothing but stare each other in the eyes. He pulled me closer and he wrapped his strong arms around me. All of a sudden my mind kind of felt at ease and I drifted off to sleep. I woke up looking over to the side of bed and Chres wasn’t there I became worried until I heard the bathroom door open.
“Oh you're up early” he said. I didn’t say anything I just stared at his abs again because this time it was drenched with water. Now was not the time to be thinking about things that I didn’t even know of. I got up slowly walking over towards him; I touched his abs feeling all the water drip down each bicep. It was silent, I quickly snapped out of it he started to laugh and I went in the bathroom closing the door.
Hours Later
I placed my shades on walking in the church; the ushers opened the doors for me. He handed me the obituary and I stared at the picture of mom. Beverly Diane Livingston. I held Mason and Bre's hand as I walked down the aisle everyone was looking at me like it was problem or something I just felt a weird vibe. Everything was in slow motion the choir was singing a couple of gospels songs that took me right home. The choir was singing “how excellent is thy name” and I was getting a little emotional. I saw my mother lay peacefully I touched her hand taking my shades off. My little sister and brother stood next to me. They looked so sad, I felt kind of bad because they didn’t know her like that but I'm glad they didn’t. I still didn’t cry, You ever cry so much you feel like there's no more tear ducks in your eyes? That's how I felt, like nothing.
I felt my aunt pull my arm but I didn’t move I still stared at her. I heard my family members cry in the background and I became annoyed. I placed my shades on and sat back down. A couple of my aunts and uncles tried to give me hugs but I rejected their hugs. The choir sang about 4 good songs, my aunt couldn’t stop crying. Mason began crying I grabbed him letting him lay on my shoulder.
“You okay? Chres asked holding my hand.
“Yeah” I half smirked looking back at the pastor. I looked to the right and saw two people I shouldn’t have saw it was my mother's exes Derrick and Nate and I couldn’t stand both of them. I could tolerate Nate but I wanted Derrick dead he's the one that molested me when I was 15. I wanted my revenge so bad just thinking of it gave me a little bit of victory.
It was time for us to say our last goodbyes even though I hate what my mom put me through she's still my mom. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and placed a rose in her casket watching them slowly close it. I placed my shades back on and walked down the hall with the family. It was time for us eat and I was starving.
I sat by the table with my family waiting to be served. But as soon as I saw Derrick and Nate I lost my appetite. Nate was alright he never hurt me but he hurt my mom, Derrick was the one I wanted to kill. “Your not gonna eat honey? Aunt Belinda asked.
“I kind of lost my appetite” I said pushing away my food taking a sip of tea. One of my aunts started talking about my mother on the microphone. And I was getting upset because I hate when people act like they were in your loved ones lives just because they died.
“Ohhhh lawd why'd you had to take her away” My Aunt Bernice cried making a huge scene and I had enough.
“This is some complete bullshit” I yelled standing up.
“Blake sit back down” my aunt said.
“No, all of ya'll are pathetic. Ya'll didn’t give a damn about my mother until she passed away. She was fighting depression, alcoholism, drug usage and all of the above. The nerve of ya'll to be all in my face today when ya'll weren’t there for me when my mother couldn’t provide for us anymore. WHY DIDN’T ANY OF YALL HELP HER?
“WHERE WERE YALL THEN WHEN I HAD TO RAISE MY SIBLINGS ALL BY MYSELF WHLE TRYING TO STAY IN SCHOOL. YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T EVEN KNOW MASON AND BRELYN WERE HER LAST CHILDREN” I yelled. “Where were you when I watched her inject herself with heroine?”
“Matter of fact when where you were when she was getting beat up by Derrick and Nate over there. Yup I can’t believe ya'll two are even here you two are the reason she's about to be fucking 6 feet under” I yelled.
“Blake you have a mouth just like your mother, ummm umm umm” Derrick said and I lost it. I power walked over there and started attacking him and hitting him. “You did this to her”
“IT WAS YOU, YOU MESSED UP OUR LIVES YOU GOT HER ADDICTED AND YOU RUINED MY LIFE” I yelled hitting him with everything in me. I was so mad because no matter how hard I hit him he took a little bit of my innocence away from me and my mother.
“Blake NO” Chres said walking over
“I could kill you right now if I wanted too and I'd be satisfied with that” I smiled pulling out my pocket knife while my aunt tried pulling me off. I hopped over to Nate and tried to hitting him until I was pulled off by Chres.
“What the hell is wrong with you? He asked putting me down. “EVERYTHING” I yelled walking out of the door. I wanted to stab him so bad but I didn’t only because my brother and sister where there and I didn’t want Chres to look at me differently. I heard footsteps behind me.
“BLAKE I understand that you're mad but did you really have to act a fool at your mother's funeral”
“CHRES STOP FOLLOWING ME AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE” I said crossing my arms I didn’t have on a coat or anything and it was snow on the ground.
“Chres it's fine let her get some air” I heard my aunt say in the background
“Hell no, were deep in the hood I don’t want anything to happen to her” he said. I continued to walk on this steep ground. The way the climate of this weather, is how I'm feeling cold. I turned around “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE CHRES” I yelled pushing him away. But he yanked me up
“I had enough of your fucking attitude, I'm tired of you shutting me out when all I'm here to do is help you and show that I care for you. I'm done tolerating your angry ass, Damn Blake you're not the only one going through shit everyone in there is hurting just like you. So stop being a brat and go back in there and peacefully lay your mother to rest regardless of what she did or what happened lay her to rest” he shouted and I was taken aback by his tone he's never yelled at me before or anything. I hated being yelled at; I hated not having the last word.
“Okay” I said softly waiting for him to let go. “WHAT? He yelled.
“OKAY OKAY” I said walking back into the church with him. He took off his jacket placing it on me.
LATER ON…
I listened to a few more people sang including my older cousins that I barely saw. For some reason I wanted the see my mom one last time before they lowered her into the ground. “Open the casket”
“Miss we can't”
“OPEN THE CASKET” I shouted. The funeral director nodded his head at the two men and I stood up looking at her one last time. Although my mother wasn’t the best and most of my childhood was depressing and heartbreaking we did have a couple of good times. It's gonna take me a while to forgive her but I think this is the first step. I took a letter from out of my pocket and laid it on her hand. I just expressed all the things I couldn’t say in person. I held her pale hand for the last time and nodded for them to close the coffin and lower her to the ground. Everyone beside me was so amazed at my behavior and why I wasn’t crying. It was over all her years of heartbreak, and drug abuse was over and I was happy.
Do you agree with Chres words?
How do you think Blake feels with the passing of her mother?
“Who's your favorite character in the whole story?
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