It seems that every visit from an Amity member is always intense. Today's visitor though left behind more than just tension. He left a lost girl, struggling to seem carefree and unperturbed in front of her friends. I saw Iris that evening at the Pit talking to the other initiates almost like nothing happened. Almost.
She was smiling but it wasn't the genuine one she gave someone when caught off guard. It was her practiced Amity smile; a smile that was bright enough to blind you so that you didn't notice the way she kept tapping her index finger against her leg or the way she kept tucking her hair behind her ear nervously. If you looked close enough, you could see she was restless.
Oh, so now you're staring at her hands and hair?
That annoying voice in my head had been tormenting me since the visit from Amity. I wasn't purposely staring at her, but as her instructor I need to be aware of any changes in behavior that might have negative consequences. Dauntless initiation is tough enough as it is. Adding the death of your family, the ones you left behind, is bound to take its toll.
As always, my thoughts had consumed me to the point where I needed an escape from everything; people, responsibility, noise. I grabbed a light snack which consisted of two boxes of pizza and started walking to the staircase that led to the roof. If it were any other day, the all-too-familiar sound of knives hitting a target would not surprise me at all. Today however, no one was supposed to be in the training room.
I stopped at the entrance and curiously looked inside the room. Iris was furiously throwing knives at one of the targets aiming for the three key spots; head, heart, stomach. The most impressive part though was her accuracy. Each knife she threw sunk perfectly in the spot it was supposed to. Even after everything that happened today, she still had enough self-control to do this with stellar precision. Damn, I must really have a thing for knives, there's no other explanation for why I kept looking at her while leaning against the doorframe.
After a few minutes, she was running low on knives, her anger was wearing off and frustration was taking its place. She was moving around restlessly, collecting the knives and cleaning them, seemingly lost in her thoughts.
Deciding she had tortured herself enough for today, I stepped in the room. Her head snapped up to look at me and her eyes briefly flashed with surprise. She had probably forgotten that there were other people around here.
"I'm almost done cleaning up here, I promise" she started saying, but her foot was still lightly tapping on the floor. She noticed me looking and sighed. "I can't stay still. I'll lose my mind if I do" she admitted in a softer tone.
I understood that feeling too well. Restlessness is the reason why I escape to the roof a few times per week. Sometimes being surrounded by four walls all the time drives me crazy. I assume that's her situation as well.
I nodded slightly and she continued cleaning up; neither of us knowing how to continue this conversation or even if we should.
Maybe it was because she looked desperate for an escape or because I was desperate for someone to escape with me just this once, but I surprised both of us by asking:
"Do you like pizza?"
I immediately realized how stupid and crazy I sounded. She looked at me in confusion. I expected her to ignore my question, probably thinking I was finally losing it or even worse, being insensitive towards her at a time like this. But she surprised me yet again.
"What kind of question is that? Of course I do" she said and I noticed her trying to suppress a smile.
"Well come on then" I said gesturing towards the door. I saw her hesitate; probably deciding whether she should protest or not. The restlessness in my eyes probably mirrored hers, because she nodded and stored all the knives carefully before following me.
The cool night air hit me when we reached the roof and I immediately felt my entire being relax. While she was still a little hesitant, I saw Iris's demeanor relax slightly as well. I guided us to my usual spot, which overlooked the entire city with an almost undisturbed view. We sat down, leaving quite a bit of distance between us. On the one hand, I was thankful for the distance. We weren't friends, just a leader and an initiate. On the other hand though, just for tonight I didn't want to keep everyone at arm's length.
Disregarding these thoughts, I opened the first box and motioned for her to take a slice.
"I made this, you know" I said, not really thinking about it.
She looked at me playfully, her troubled look subsiding momentarily.
"Did you really?" she asked, obviously not believing me.
"No, I didn't" I said and lowered my head slightly. I never make jokes, but for some reason I felt like tonight I could do it and it would be appreciated.
Her airy laugh and genuine smile, which she tried to hide again, were proof that she did appreciate it. I instantly felt more at ease. Maybe just for tonight I could be someone other than the intimidating Dauntless leader. Iris looked like the type of person who would understand that authority necessitates being cold, but it doesn't mean that's all there is to the person.
For a few minutes we ate in silence, enjoying the view of the night sky and the glittering city buildings. As the air got colder, the distance between us seemed to shrink as well. Thankfully, Iris was wearing a jacket, so there was no need for any awkward jacket exchanges.
Finally having some company must have done something weird to me, because for the first time in a while, I felt the need to start a conversation that didn't have to do with training or patrols or weapons.
"I'm sorry about your family, initiate. It's a horrible thing to go through" I said, keeping it simple and true. I didn't pity her and I had a feeling pity is the last thing she wanted from anyone.
"Thank you. It really is" was her answer. I could tell she was trying to be reserved and keep it professional. Sometimes I hate that we're not allowed to show any signs of weakness in Dauntless. Bottling it up can be more destructive. I sighed.
She turned to look at me and something in my eyes must have told her that tonight was different. She was allowed to be herself and so was I.
"They were the only people I had left in this world." she said. I had figured as much from her reaction to the news earlier.
"My parents are dead. They were killed before I had a chance to get to know them." she said, looking at the city lights.
How much has she gone through?
And how does she manage to not show it? Isn't the weight of it too much?
"As you probably figured out during visiting day, everything is not all sunshine and rainbows back in Amity" she said sarcastically. I winced slightly, mentally slapping myself when she mentioned visiting day and the conversation I overheard.
"I didn't know what I was saying during knife practice. I just wanted to push you a bit. I'm sorry for bringing up your parents" I said, and I meant every single word. I'm supposed to be cruel and cold and push people to their limits, but mocking someone's dead family members is unacceptable.
"You didn't know, it's alright" she said. I had a feeling she was used to hearing the words I said during knife training and overlook them easily. For some reason, that pissed me off. She shouldn't take that shit from anyone.
Maybe it was the fact that it was getting late or the look in her eyes that invited you to tell her anything, but I found myself talking about my family.
"I'm not too close with the rest of my family either. Only my siblings" I said looking at the stars.
"How many siblings do you have?" she asked. I liked that she was keeping the conversation going without making it too personal.
"Two. An older brother and a younger sister." I said, smiling slightly as I thought of them.
"That must be nice; having them around growing up. Are they still in Dauntless?" she asked and that's when I realized how little she had heard about me. For some reason, that made me happy; knowing that she can't have the worst opinion about me if she hasn't heard everything.
"I was born in Erudite" I said and watched her eyes widen. I chuckled lightly.
"So that's why you act like such a smartass" she says playfully and for once I don't mind the insult. "Well, at least you probably have the knowledge to justify it" she said smiling slightly.
"Trust me, I don't. That's one of the reasons I left Erudite. I wasn't as smart as I should have been to stay there" I said, bitterness creeping into my voice slightly.
"Well, good thing the whole scary leader thing suits you" she jokes and I laugh genuinely. Her insults are playful and for some reason I don't mind them.
"Yeah, well Dauntless isn't so bad anyway. We have arguably the best cake across all the factions" I say jokingly.
"Very true. That cake is seriously attractive" she says it as if she's taking about some Greek god. I completely agree though, the cake can make anyone's day better.
"More attractive than scary leader over here?" I say playfully pointing to myself, not expecting anything of it. I just wanted to keep seeing her smile.
"I don't know about that. It's 50-50 between you and the cake." she says.
There's a moment of silence where we just look at each other.
Not being able to hold it any longer, we both burst out laughing.