Kabanata 39
We all have tiny little demons in our heads and sometimes — they will conquer us. They can make us think all the possible negativities in our world and act like they have no part in destroying ourselves.
My chest usually gets hurt when I let myself succumb to them — I'm just fortunate that Sarathiel has always been a good support system.
The thing about the demons in our heads — they can't control us if we don't let them.
"Are you okay?"
Those three words are my everything.
Lumingon ako kay Sarathiel na nakakunot ang noo. He was looking at me worriedly. He even had his phone on his hand, para bang handa na siyang may tawagan na dedepende sa aking sagot.
"No..." I smiled sadly. "Baka kasi wala na ako sa honors...I'm not confident with my past scores..."
"Papasok 'yan..." Sath gently squeezed my hand. "Kung hindi, there's always college. Our lives doesn't end in Senior High."
Tumango naman ako. That's right, I did my best and if my best wasn't good enough —there is probably next time. I have an entire lifetime to succeed in another opportunity.
He kissed my knuckles while we were waiting in line for our graduation pictures. Magkasabay kasi ang STEM 1 at ABM 1 sa pagpila para kuhanan ng grad pic.
"ABM ka na pala ngayon, Sarathiel?" pangaalaska ni Iscalade kay Sarathiel.
Bumunghalit ng tawanan ang pila ng mga tangkay. Kahit kaming mga ABM ay natawa dahil nagiisa lang si Sath sa tabi ko.
Sa pila kasi ng ABM nakatambay si Sarathiel kaya naman halos nakatingin saamin ang lahat.
"Kapag inggit - pikit." Ngumisi si Sarathiel kay Iscalade, who only raised his dirty finger to him.
I looked at the near window to see my face. Alam ko naman na inayusan kami pero hindi ko mapigilan ang kaba sa dibdib ko na baka mukha akong mannequin dahil sa kapal ng nilagay na make up sa akin. Medyo nagpaplastikan kasi kami kanina tungkol sa make up namin kaya hindi ko alam kung totoo ba na okay lang ang mukha ko.
"Please, sana maganda ako sa grad pic." I crossed both of my fingers.
For sure, isasabit 'yon sa sala ng aming bahay! Tapos araw-araw makikita ng mga tao 'yung pagmumukha ko!
Katatapos lang kami ayusan at nakapila na lang kami para kuhanan ng picture. Sarathiel looks dashing as always, sarap iuwi sa bahay at gawing ama ng mga magiging anak ko.
I giggled when he looked confuse as people dragged him back to his line.
"Gusto mo pa 'yata na kasama ka sa picture ni Zafirah, bumalik ka na nga sa pila mo!" Iscalade scolded Sath, who only frowned at him.
Tiningnan lang ako ni Sath kaya naman nagkibit ako ng balikat at ngumiti.
When it was my turn, I composed myself as I sat down. Sinuotan nila ako ng toga at binigyan ako ng posisyon para maganda ang kuha sa kanilang camera.
The lights hurt my eyes a bit pero nilabas ko ang praktisado kong ngiti.
I gave my brightest smile. Sana talaga maganda ako rito kasi araw-araw ko 'tong makikita sa sala namin.
I heard the camera as it took my photo. Agad na nawala ang ngiti ko dahil sumakit 'yata ang panga ko sa sobrang lawak nito. Please, let it be good!
"Okay! That's good. Creative shot naman." Sabi nung Photographer.
I gasped and immediately got something out of my pocket.
Kaagad kong nilabas 'yung ginawa kong poster. I made this during our free time.
ABM pero nag-jowa ng STEM
I LOVE YOU, SARATHIEL
Nakarinig ako ng hiyawan galing sa ibang mga nakasilip sa akin. I heard them because the door was slightly opened. Namula naman ako pero pilit na nilagay ang atensyon sa harapan ko.
I clicked my tongue and winked as I hold the sign I made.
This picture just like the other pictures taken and displayed in our house - will be a lifetime memory for me.
『••✎••』
"Pasahan na lang ng mga ibang requirements, wala na talagang klase." Ngumuso si Melay.
I nodded as I roamed around my eyes in the building.
Hindi ko inakalang nakaka-miss din pala 'yung pagtuturo ng mga Professors ko. Hindi ko inakalang mamimiss ko mag-review para sa mga subjects nila. Hindi ko inakalang ang ikli lang pala ng panahon na nagsama kami.
Two years.
Who would have thought two years can change an entire person? Sobrang ikli lang ng panahon na ito kung ikukumpara sa buong buhay ng isang tao.
The nostalgia is hitting me while I was cleaning my school stuff. I will miss this. I will truly miss everything about Senior High.
Tiningnan ko ang mga papel na nagkalat sa bag ko. Ang mga yellow pad paper na hinati sa iba't ibang sizes, ang mga papel na may mga marka na minsan ay iniyakan ko, mga notebooks na hindi ko na matandaan ang lahat ng mga sinulat ko. I looked at it with a bright smile on my face.
I want to keep them.
"Pwede ko na i-delete lahat ng pictures ng papel at powerpoint sa phone ko." Hagikgik ni Melay habang pinapakita sa akin ang cellphone niya na halos may 1,456 photos to delete.
Tumawa naman ako dahil kahit ako ay kinain na rin ng mga school works ang storage ng phone ko. We decided to exchange pictures with each other. Pabiro pa ngang nag-tour kami kunyari sa school dahil ang alam ko ay hindi sa UJD mag-aaral si Bea sa kolehiyo. We were making the most out of it.
"I'll miss you," niyakap ko siya habang nagpapaalam kami sa isa't isa.
"Huwag ka magpapaloko sa mga lalaki sa lugar na 'yon ha. Alagaan mo ang sarili mo," mangiyak-ngiyak na paalala ni Melay habang nakayakap sa likod ni Bea.
"Pupunta ako roon para mag-aral, ikaw talaga..." pabirong kinurot ni Bea si Melay.
I can't help but feel sad. We're about to enter college and as much as we want to stay with each other — we need to accept that sometimes growing means growing apart. Growth doesn't always mean staying with the right people because it's inevitable not to be apart from them.
I sighed as these thoughts circulate in my mind.
It made me feel like I took Senior High for granted. Siguro, ang malas namin dahil naabutan pa kami ng K-12 pero para saakin? Ang swerte namin. We had two more years of creating memories with strangers who turned out to be great figures in our lives.
I will always be grateful to my senior highschool phase. It made me grow and made me who I am today.
It also made me meet the person who made me feel whole. Sarathiel Zyler Aracosa.
"Farewell party daw para kay Sir Castro," our President announced while Sir Castro is not around.
"Kailan pa namatay si Sir Castro?" tanong ni Gio.
"Gagio! Sinong namatay? Aalis lang tayo kaya may farewell party." Halakhak ko.
Gio only chuckled. I will miss this guy too. I know there's a thin chance that we will be blockmates again.
We organized a farewell party for Sir Castro. May kinita kami sa booths namin nung foundation day at nilagay namin 'yon sa class fund. Kaya naman nakabili kami ng mga pang-design at pang-handa para kay Sir Castro.
"Anong catering?! Gago ka, isipin ng buong school bida-bida tayo kasi farewell party lang, magpapa-catering ka?!" Gio scolded Adren who responded by rolling his eyes.
"I was just trying to be a good student. He deserves the appreciation." Adren explained lazily.
Adren changed too. Sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya, he was avoiding to show any emotion but now he was able to express himself.
Medyo nanghinayang lang ako sa kanya. Arrisea and him used to be great together. When Arrisea came into his life, he suddenly had emotions shown rather than almost just smiling at everything.
Siguro nga, some love are not meant to last but only serves as a lesson in our life.
Medyo nanikip ang dibdib ko. Hinihiling ko lang na sana ay hanggang dulo - kung papayagan man ng langit...kami ni Sarathiel ang mananaig.
It will hurt me or even destroy me if one day Sath and I will end up forgetting how much we love each other.
This kind of love was hard to let go.
I don't want that to happen.
Black and Gold ang ginawa naming theme. Bumili kami ng lobo na black at yellow. Meron din kami ng pambansang pangdesign- crepe paper! Black and yellow din ang kulay na binili namin.
Nilagay na namin ang handa sa hiniram naming long table sa cafeteria. It was carbonara, fried chicken, lechon (sponsored ni Adren), blackforest cake, and shanghai. Si Gio 'yung namilit na dapat may shanghai.
"Happy Farewell to you!" Gio chanted. Binatukan ko nga dahil di ko talaga alam paano 'to naging top 1.
The thought didn't bother me anymore. I was so afraid that if that spot was taken away from me, I might not be myself anymore. Pero tingnan mo nga naman, I'm still Zafirah and I'm still doing what I can do to succeed.
Yeah, he snatched the position from me but it didn't hurt. Gio deserved it - nung una nga ay nireklamo pa ni Gio na dapat daw mas mababa siya saakin dahil binuhat ko siya sa Entrep.
"Gio..." bumulong ako sa kanya kaya naman lumapit siya sa akin. "Thank you."
He only furrowed his brows and gave a hearty laugh. Umabot ang kanyang ngiti sa kanyang mga mata at umiling siya sa akin.
"I did nothing, Zaf. Whatever makes you happy right now is all your doing. Congrats, Zafi. Thank you for being a genuine friend to me." He said, it made my lips twist into a smile.
We all deserve someone like Gio in our lives. The one who still believes in you despite of your own doubts.
"Kunyari nag-suntukan kami ni Adren tapos may magsusumbong kay Sir Castro para galit siyang pupunta rito tapos pagpunta niya rito sisigaw ako ng it's a prank! Na-gago kita, Sir 'no?"
Sinapak ko nga sa braso si Gio. Ang gagio talaga kahit kailan!
Umiling-iling ako. "Mamamatay muna siya sa konsumisyon bago 'yon makarating dito."
"Nandiyan na raw si Sir Castro!" sigaw nung isang kaklase ko.
Lahat kami ay gumilid para kunyari walang tao sa room. Pagpasok ni Sir Castro ay kaagad na pinaputok ang confetti na binili namin.
"Thank you for everything, Sir Castro!"
Pure shock was on his face. Nangingilid ang mga luha sa kanyang mukha.
"Kayo talaga..." ngumiti siya habang pinupunasan ang luha sa kanyang mga mata.
He may not show it often but he deeply cares for us. Ganun naman daw talaga ang mga grade 12 Professors, they detach themselves from us but they still care for our well being.
Nagkaroon ng speech giving para kay Sir Castro. Lahat ay halos naiiyak dahil nga halos nagpapaalam na kami sa isa't-isa. When it was my turn, I inhaled some air and exhaled it.
"So, hi guys. I just want to say how thankful I am to be part of ABM 1. I'm sorry if I offended anyone from this class and I want to express how grateful I for those who are still with me despite of my shortcomings. I will continue on improving myself. Thank you, Sir Castro for giving me the courage to still try my best even if I already failed a lot of times. You were one of my supporters and I couldn't be more thankful..." I said as my tears were slowly forming.
Nang matapos ako ay umupo kaagad ako para umiyak. Hinagod-hagod naman ako sa likod ni Paulene. Bea and Melay were also crying in the corner.
"Gusto mo suklayan kita?" Paulene offered and it immediately made me laugh. Bakit naman niya ako susuklayan porke't umiiyak ako? Kaloka 'tong babaing 'to.
In the end, Sir Castro stood and gave his speech. Tumikhim muna siya bago niya kami bigyan ng isang malaking ngiti. The way he addressed us made us feel that it is already ending- tapos na talaga ang klase namin.
"Thank you ABM 1. I know I may not show it often but I do love you all. Always take care because I will always care."
My heart was being overwhelmed by emotions.
The days of my Senior Highschool is slowly reaching it's end.
Tuwing sabado, sinasamahan ako ni Sath sa therapist ko. I was fortunate that he was always supportive of me. Habang nasa sasakyan ay naguusap kami tungkol sa therapy ko.
"Cognitive behavioral therapy?" ulit ni Sath sa klase ng therapy na meron ako. Agad naman akong tumango.
"Yup, it works well for me. Sinasabi rin sa akin ng therapist ko na may improvements ako pagdating dito kaya naman hindi na kami lumipat sa iba pang paraan."
"Is it hard?"
"No..." umiling ako. "Mas mahirap noon na hindi ko pa alam kung bakit ganito ako mag-isip. I'm lucky that I was able to ask for help when I still can..."
I know that there are a lot of people who wouldn't seek help because for them having this kind of illness is taboo. Idagdag mo pa na hindi maganda ang reputasyon ng mental illness sa bansang ito. Its hard to let yourself heal when the people around you are ignorant of your wounds.
"Kakaunti lang din ang clinics o offices na binibigyan ng pansin ito. I hate how it looks like it's for the privilege when everyone should have the access to check upon their mental health." I can't help but rant. Lives could have been save if only these were accessible to almost everyone who needs it.
"You're right. I know that sooner or later, if only people would have more empathy in their hearts then maybe we can achieve a country where physical and mental welfare are treated with the right treatment."
Ngumiti ako kay Sath. I kissed him on the cheek and he immediately pouted. Natawa naman ako sa kanya.
"I bought you something..." Sath stopped the engine and reached for the paperbag in the back. Inabot niya sa akin ito at agad ko naman tiningnan kung ano ang laman.
The Bell Jar. Sylvia Plath.
"Oh," the insides of my stomach were being twisted. I remembered reading her poems when I was so down before. I trace the title on the book as I examine it.
"I thought you'll like to read her novel. She really writes well." Sath said.
"Yeah," ngumiti naman ako sa kanya. "Sylvia Plath wrote good poems and stories - and she could have written more if only..."
"She choose to live." Sath continued the sentence for me. "But we can never condemn her for doing it. Sayang lang dahil mas marami pa sana siyang nasulat na magagandang akda."
I hugged the book to my chest. Living is indeed hard. But I will choose to continue...
I will keep going.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜