NATHAN
Yesterday was a complete disaster.
If I had known just how terrible the day was going to turn out I would have stayed in bed when my alarm woke me up that morning. However, being an adult isn't that simple and considering there are bills and Mortgage to pay I had no choice but to get myself out of bed at some ungodly hour of the morning and drive all the way out into the middle of no man's land to scope out a potential foster family.
Maybe if I had been given the correct directions to the property, or if my tire hadn't blown out on the dirt road, or the lack of phone reception made it impossible to call the insurer for help, things might not have turned out so bad. All of these things were only minor inconveniences and could be easily handled.
However, after changing the tire myself and doubling back to the nearest service station to ask for directions things had only gone downhill from there. Sure, I was finally able to find my way to the correct address, but it was all a complete waste of time because there was no way on God's green earth that I would let our agency place a foster child in a situation like theirs.
The foster family itself at first wasn't too bad. Maybe if they had lived a little closer to civilization they would have been slightly more desirable as a potential foster family, but at first glance they didn't exhibit any major red flags.
It wasn't until they starting listing their preferred "characteristics" of a potential foster child that their true intentions started to reveal themselves. Most foster families aren't too picky when it comes to accepting a foster child into their family, but we always try to ensure that the child is a suitable match for the prospective carers.
In this case, the potential carers were specifically looking for an able-bodied teenage male who could adapt to their lifestyle. Or in other words, they want a teenage boy who is capable of working on their farm without the expectation of payment. That to me is an unacceptable reason for wanting to take a foster child into your family and the idea that they would apply for a caring role when they simply wanted to exploit the child for their benefit frustrates me to no end.
That's why when I was finally able to leave the premises after three hours of listening to those people talk about how much better their lives would be if they had an extra person in their household, my mood had soured considerably.
The drive back to Melbourne had been bumper to bumper traffic almost the entire way due to a traffic accident at one of the main exits and having to deal with the impatient drivers in the long queue behind me was just the cherry on top of my disaster sundae. I wish I had known back then that the worst was yet to come because maybe then I would have been able to prepare myself for the remaining chaos that was yet to unfold.
As it turned out, I wasn't the only one having a particularly trying day and the moment that Will walked into the house claiming that he needed to talk to both Chris and I in the office I knew instantly that shit was about to hit the fan, because there is only one thing that Will would want to speak to the both of us about privately.
Mackenzie.
In all honesty, Kenzie had been an angel over the past couple of weeks. Until yesterday there hadn't been any major issues with her behaviour other than a few sassy remarks here and there whenever we push her a little too far out of her comfort zone, but that is nothing compared to what we had prepared ourselves for. That's why when Will told us that the principal had called him about the incident with her English teacher it came as a bit of a shock.
We had all expected to face some challenges when it came to Kenzie's behaviour, but we hadn't expected her to flip so suddenly after the last two weeks of her practically blending into the walls. Something didn't quite add up to the Principals' version of events, but after the absolute shocker of a day we had all experienced, none of us had been in the right mindset to try and approach the situation from a gentler angle.
I had thought that the worst part of the day was listening to Will explain to us how Kenzie had sworn at her teacher and skipped class.
I was wrong.
The worst moment of the day was seeing the look of pure fear on Kenzie's face as she flinched away from Will's touch. It was hearing her terrified sobs echoing through the house as she hid herself in her room to protect herself from danger and most importantly it was the moment that James had sat outside her bedroom door, which had been barricaded closed, begging for her to let him in while she spiralled into a monster panic attack.
It wasn't until I laid in bed in all night, tossing and turning to the rhythm of my turbulent thoughts that something dawned on me. We had all been too busy dwelling on our own negative experiences that none of us had stopped to think that maybe Kenzie's day had been worse than all of ours.
In the end I gave up on trying to fall asleep and made my way out into the kitchen where I had proceeded to make myself a mug of tea and watch the moon slowly slip across the sky, further away from the approaching dawn. That was an hour ago and despite the sun not having risen yet I can't bring myself to head back to my room and face the same sleepless void as before.
The light thumping of footsteps on the stairs can be heard from the kitchen and the slightly muffled sound draws me out of my scattered thoughts.
"Couldn't sleep either?" I ask, turning my head over my shoulder towards the approaching figure.
"No. I've got too much on my mind for that." Will answers honestly, pulling out a stool and taking a seat beside me with a tired sigh. He looks just as tired as I feel which indicates that he has got as much sleep as I have tonight.
"Yeah, me too." I nod in understanding.
"You know, Kenzie told us that the day was cursed at breakfast yesterday. I should have trusted her instincts, at least maybe then I could have found a way to avoid what happened last night." Will shakes his head at the memories before pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. His voice is layered with guilt and I can tell that the events of last night are still haunting him.
"Even if you had known that yesterday was going to be the devil it wouldn't have made a difference." I console him, placing a hand on his shoulder to try and draw him out of his self-commiseration. "The universe has a funny way of throwing curveballs at people and yesterday was just one of the tougher ones."
"She was so terrified of me, Nate. The moment I grabbed her hand it was like I had burnt her skin with my touch." Will roughly scrubs a hand over his face before dropping both of his arms onto the kitchen bench in front of him.
"Mackenzie has been through a lot of trauma in her life. I have read her file from start to finish and some of the reports that have been lodged with Community Services are just horrific." No young person should ever have to face the type of hardship that girl has endured. "Her flinching away from you was a natural instinct for her. Try not to take it personally."
"I should have known that touching her would trigger some despicable memories, but I didn't want her to hurt herself. She was pinching her wrist so tight I was scared that she would break the skin." Will keeps his eyes cast down to the bench, making it almost impossible to see the emotions swirling within them.
Even though Will usually comes across as a serious, business like person, he also has the tendency to be overwhelmed by empathy and emotion, especially when the feelings are caused by someone or something he cares about. Some people see it as a sign of weakness, while I see it as a rare gift, making me one of the luckiest men on earth to be best friends with a soul as kind as his.
"You had no intention of causing her harm and I am sure that once she has had some time and space to think about everything that has happened she will understand that you were only trying to help her." I try to ease some of his turmoil but it doesn't have quite the effect I was hoping it would.
"That's the thing though Nate, I don't think she knows that she is hurting herself when she does that, so to her it just looked like I was trying to grab her. God only knows what she thought I was going to do to her." He shudders at the countless possibilities running through his mind while I inwardly cringe because we both know that only something horrible could have made her flinch away the way she had.
"Alright then, so we take the time to explain it to her and if she is still scared of us then we will just keep doing what we have been doing for the last two weeks. We keep our distance and prove to her that we aren't going to hurt her." Eventually she will come to see that we only have her best interests at heart and that we genuinely are in this for the right reasons.
We weren't joking when we told Kenzie that her safety is our main priority. It doesn't matter how many rules she breaks in her time living with us, if she exhibits signs that suggest she feels unsafe, especially when we confront her in relation to her behaviour, we will always take her feelings seriously.
We failed to keep our promise to Kenzie last night and now we will have to do our best to regain her trust, or whatever small part of it we had managed to earn over the last couple of weeks, even if that means starting over from square one.
"I agree with you, but I think James is probably the best person to do the explaining. He might even be able to convince Kenzie to talk to a psychologist about her triggers." Will says hopefully, walking around the bench to switch the kettle on.
Looking out the window it is still dark outside but it wont be long until the first rays of morning light begin to seep through the darkness. Another set of footsteps coming down the stairs draws my attention back to the kitchen and I turn in my chair just in time to see Chris walk into the room.
"Morning guys." He greets, rubbing his hand against his chest to wake himself up. He doesn't look as rough as Will and I so I assume he at least got some sleep last night.
"Good morning Chris. What are you doing up so early?" Will asks, turning away from the kettle to greet him.
"I heard a noise and thought I would come down and investigate." Chris shrugs, looking over the room to ensure that there was definitely no strange in our house.
"Sorry for waking you, man. We will try to be a bit quieter." I apologise for the both of us, knowing that Chris's sleep schedule is usually quite strict due to his shift patterns.
"It's all good, it was a shit night sleep anyways so I thought I would come down and check some of my emails and see if you two worry warts were ok."
"We were just discussing how we are going to tackle the Mackenzie dilemma, but we have both agreed that this is probably more James's area of expertise than ours." Will sighs, turning back to the kettle which has just finished boiling and pouring some hot water into his mug.
"I'm going to have to agree with you there. Kenzie seems to be more comfortable around James than anyone else so it makes sense that she would open up to him before any of us." Chris nods in agreement, walking over to the cupboard to pull his own mug down from the shelf.
"I think we can thank Nathan for that. If he hadn't given her one of James's hoodies at the start we would be a lot worse off right now." Will says, passing the kettle to Chris who begins to fill his own mug with steaming water.
"She really has grown attached to that old thing, at least Mitchell was finally able to wash it yesterday." I smile gently to myself at the thought of how tiny Kenzie looks when she is wrapped up in that hoodie.
"Wait up, I thought James told us not to wash it unless Kenzie asked us to." Chris shares a look with Will as if seeking confirmation that this was the case.
"Yeah, he thinks that the smell of the fabric is offering her some form of comfort and that is why she has been slightly more relaxed around us." Will adds, sounding slightly worried about the new development.
"So you're telling me that we washed the only thing that has been placating her anxiety towards us?" I ask, suddenly feeling like a rock has been placed on my chest. If I would have known that the hoodie was her comfort item I would have told Mitchell not to touch it. I just saw it on her desk yesterday afternoon and thought it would be a good idea to freshen it up for her.
"Can't we just give her another one?" I ask, desperately trying to find a way to fix the problem before it can get any worse.
"We could try, but I don't know if James has worn any other hoodies recently. His other ones have been hanging in his wardrobe for the past couple of winters." Chris grimaces at his own words before taking a sip of his drink.
This is a mess.
"It's alright Nate. We will figure something out, it's not the end of the world." Will reassures me as I run a hand through my dishevelled hair out of frustration.
"I know, I just feel horrible." I mutter, resting my elbow onto of the bench and my chin in the palm of my hand.
I remains mostly quiet after that. Will reclaims his seat at the bench while Chris leaves the kitchen altogether, probably to find his laptop in the office. The sky outside has started to shift from black to dark blue and the peacefulness of the morning almost lulls me into a light sleep, that is until Chris walks back into the kitchen, laptop in hands and a solemn expression marring his usually carefree face.
"Have you guys seen this email from Lachlan?"
"No, I haven't checked my emails since yesterday afternoon." I reply suddenly feeling wide awake.
"What's wrong?" Will asks, shifting in his seat so that Chris has his undivided attention.
"Kenzie's biological mother has applied for parole."
"What? I thought the court judgement said she couldn't apply for parole until she had served at least 13 years." I stammer over my words while trying to process the bombshell that Chris just dropped on us.
"Apparently Correctional Services believe that she has been making "considerable progress" in her rehabilitation program. She is applying on the basis of good behaviour." Chris uses his fingers to air quote Lachlan's email while placing the laptop on the countertop so that both will and I can read the email for ourselves.
"Shit." This is not what we need right now.
"If she is successful she has already made representations that she will be seeking rights to visitation." Will grinds out as he continues to read the information provided by Kenzie's caseworker. Obviously this proposal doesn't sit well with him either.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for allowing visitation between biological parents and their children who have been taken into care, but only if those parents can prove that they are not going to place their child in danger. It's one thing to let a reformed drug addict visit their biological children after they have participated in a rehabilitation program, but letting a convicted murderer visit a child that they were suspected of abusing for several years is another thing altogether.
"Ok, it's not ideal, but the chances of her being granted parole are still limited based on her history and if by some stroke of luck on her part that a Magistrate decides she is fit for visitation then we will cross that bridge when we get to it." Will does his best to convince us that the situation isn't as serious as it sounds, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about the future.
There is a reason why Kenzie doesn't remember her biological parents, and I am certain that if she hadn't been too terrified to speak when Community Services first removed her from her parents then we would know the true extent of the horror she endured as a young child. Her statement might have even aided the police in laying extra charges against other dangerous people, but instead of being able to assist police in their investigations Kenzie had been spooked into silence, which meant that only half of the charges that had been made could be proven in court.
"I don't want that woman any where near our Kenzie." I say, bristling protectively at my own thoughts while clenching my hands into fists at my side.
"Neither do I, but there is no point in worrying over it right now. It will probably take a few months for the parole application to even be assessed and I am sure that by the time we hear anything further, Kenzie will be completely settled in and hopefully feeling a lot more comfortable around us." This time Will's words ease some of my apprehension I feel and I take a deep breath before releasing my hands from their clenched state.
"You're right Will. We can only deal with one problem at a time and right now we have other things to worry about that are more important." I agree, standing up from my stool and walking around the kitchen bench to deposit my dirty mug in the sink.
"I think we should keep this information quiet for now, at least until we have a bit more certainty surrounding the parole application. The last thing I want to do is put Kenzie under any more stress, especially if the information we have isn't definite." Chris chips in, making Will and I nod in agreement.
"Sounds like a good idea to me." I verbalise my approval while stretching my ams out above my head until my shoulders gently pop.
Before Will has the chance to say anything further the sound of quiet footsteps can be heard approaching the kitchen, making all three of us turn our attention towards the entrance way. I half expected James to be the one to walk into the kitchen so I have to do a double take when Kenzie walks in instead.
Her light brown hair is a tangled mess and she is wearing the light grey hoodie that she has been inseparable from since the day I gave it to her. Apart from her dishevelled appearance she doesn't look too exhausted which eases some of my worry.
"Good morning Mackenzie, how are you feeling?" Chris is the first to break the silence by asking the question we have all had on our mind since last night.
"I am serenity." She says smoothly, a gentle smile gracing her face as she walks past us towards the sliding door that leads out to the backyard, a part of the property that she hasn't ventured out to yet since being here.
I am stumped for a moment at her relaxed demeanour which is the complete opposite of what she had been last night, but I soon recover when I think deeper into her words. Maybe she is trying to trick herself into feeling the emotion by saying that she is the emotion. Like how we sometimes smile when we are unhappy to trick our brains into making us feel happy.
"Where are you going sweetheart?" Will asks, watching her walk slowly through the room as if she has never seen it before.
"I am going outside to watch the sunrise. Would you like to join me?" She asks, extending her invitation to all of us while tilting her head gently to the side as she waits for an answer.
"It's a little too chilly out there for me, but thank you for the offer." Will responds, a slight frown evident on his face.
Kenzie looks between Chris and I to see if either of us will take her up on her offer but when neither of us say anything but shake our head "no" she simply straightens her head and pushes her wild hair behind her ears.
"Suit yourself." She shrugs gently before crossing the rest of the room and opening the glass sliding door. Without another word she slips out into the cool morning air and disappears into the back yard.
"That was weird." Chris says shaking his head as if the action will lessen his confusion.
"I think she is trying to trick herself into feeling a sense of calm by telling herself that she is the emotion." I share my thoughts with the other men in the room, hoping that it might offer a plausible explanation for Kenzie's odd behaviour.
"Maybe, but I still agree with Chris. She didn't look scared at all like I thought she would." Will's frown deepens for a brief moment before he too shakes his head in bewilderment.
"What do we do now?" Chris asks, giving up on trying to understand Kenzie's abrupt change of disposition.
"We'll talk to her about yesterday later, for now let's just give her some time to figure out whatever it is that she's got going on in her head."
With that said, I turn my attention towards the kitchen window which overlooks the wide backyard and search the grassy area until my eyes land on my target. Kenzie sits cross legged on the frosty lawn, her hands placed gently on her knees and her palms facing the sky. Despite the temperature dropping into the single digits, she doesn't show any sign of discomfort as the winter breeze drifts through her tangled hair.
In all the time that she has been here I have never seen her as comfortable as she looks right now. The warm orange rays of early morning sun illuminate her face as she tilts her head back slightly to meet the sky. A gentle smile stretches across her face as the first lick of warmth seeps into her skin and that one simple sign of content eases some of the heaviness in my chest.
As I continue to watch the sun rise over the backyard, I can't ignore the tiny nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me that something isn't quite right with this situation because the girl I see in front of me is the complete opposite of the girl I saw in the office last night and even though she looks completely relaxed right now, the image of her cowering away from us in fear is still fresh in my mind.
I just hope that this brief moment of peace will last a little bit longer because if I have learnt anything from reading Kenzie's personal file, it is that chaos is her worst enemy and I have a sinking feeling that the chaos we have witnessed so far is only just the start.
Thank you to everyone who has read this story so far, I can't believe that it has more than 1,000 views! You are all amazing and I hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it :) <3