Kabanata 37
"Gloves and hairnet, huwag kalimutan para sa sanitation." Paalala ko sa mga kagrupo ko.
Paulene nodded her head. "Yes po! Buti na lang kagrupo natin si Gio, sa dami ng kaibigan niya sa ibang strands di tayo mahihirapan mangdarag para bumili sila saatin."
It was the week I was waiting for — it was our foundation week. It means we'll be having stalls for our specialized subjects. Isa lang ang gagawin namin pero halos lahat ng specialized subject ay involve rito.
We decided that our stall or business should focus on food since it's really easy to sell it during foundation. Syempre, marami ang takam na takam tumikim ng ibang putahe bukod sa pagkain na ginto sa mga cafeteria sa school.
"Hi, bukas na po ba kayo?" A Med student based on his uniform asked.
"Hindi pa po," I answered while wearing the hairnet.
Masyado pang maaga.
"Ikaw si Zafirah, 'di ba? Crush ka kasi ng kaklase namin..." the Med student nudge someone beside him. Kanina pa ito hindi tumitingin sa direksyon ko.
Sasagot na sana ako nang may naramdaman akong presensya sa likod ko. Inayos nito ang ilang hibla ng buhok na nakatakas sa pagkakapusod ko ng buhok ko.
Sarathiel greeted me. "Morning, Zaf." then he look towards the guys who were infront of our stall.
"Crush mo girlfriend ko? Bili ka sa kanila mamaya." Ngumisi si Sath sa mga lalaki.
"Ah 'tol, nice..."
"Sige, una na kami."
Umalis na rin 'yung mga lalaki. I can't help but laugh and turn towards Sarathiel.
"Sakitin ka ba? Bakit lapitin ka ng mga magd-doktor?" Sarathiel furrowed his eyebrows.
"Sayang 'yon, baka di na sila bumili sa amin mamaya."
Sarathiel scowled. "I'll buy their share in your target market for your profits."
"Nice! May alam sa business!" I tease him.
"May Entrep din kami." Mayabang na sabi ni Sath.
I pinched his cheeks and he pouted like a child.
"Manonood ka ng battle of the bands mamaya? Nandoon si Iscalade."
"Malaki na siya, kaya na niya 'yon. Magbabantay na lang din ako rito."
"Ano ka? Security guard? Wala pa kaming kita, di ka pa namin afford."
"I can work for free!" parang ewan si Sarathiel na pinagpipilitan ang sarili sa stall namin.
"Inggit ka? ABM ka?" pangaasar ko.
He groaned, obviously pissed because he has nothing to do.
"Nope, enjoy the foundation week. Kayo nga 'yung halos walang gawain." I told him.
GAS and STEM are actually the ones who makes the most of it. Ang TVL at ABM ay busy sa mga stalls na tinayo nila samantalang meron namang film showing ang mga HUMSS.
"Anong oras ba out mo?"
"Morning shift ako e," sagot ko.
Maghahati kasi kami sa oras ng mga kagrupo ko dahil hindi naman buong week ang pagbebenta namin, halos tatlong araw lang naman.
"So, you're free in the afternoon?"
"Yup. Huwag mo ako masyadong ma-miss." Ngiti ko sa kanya.
"Alam niyo hindi naman matamis 'yung product namin pero bakit maraming langgam? Baka mabawasan pa tayo sa grade dahil dito." Gio said, while having a blank expression.
Kararating niya lang dahil nakasabit pa sa isang braso niya ang knapsack niya. He was wearing a shirt and denims jeans, lalo tuloy siyang nagmukhang boy next door.
"Bitter mo naman," ngisi ko sa kanya.
He only grimaced before walking inside the stall. I only chuckled knowing why he had a sour mood.
Hindi kasi siya napagbigyan na shanghai ang maging product namin. Mabenta naman talaga 'yon at saka madaling gawin pero baka pakyawin lang ni Gio kung 'yun ang ginawa naming product.
"I'll see you later, okay?" Sath squeezed my hand. Kanina pa niya ito hawak magmula nang dumating siya, akala mo naman mawawala ako.
"Yup! Bumili ka saamin mamaya kapag nagutom ka."
Tumango-tango siya."I'll tell my friends to buy here too."
Umalis na si Sath kaya naman lumingon ako kay Gio na nag-aayos ng mga plastics cups para sa drinks.
"Baka naman pwede mo ako i-libre kasi nagkabalikan na kayo?"
"Libre kita mamaya kapag luto na 'yung footlong na ititinda natin."
Gio smirked. "Matalino ka talaga, 'no?"
"Sayang ang profit," ngumisi ako pabalik sa kanya.
"Sayang di natin kagrupo si Adren. Magaling 'yon sa financial statements." Gio muttered while preparing the utensils.
"Sayang nga. Pero nandiyan ka naman, kayang-kaya mo 'yon! Cheer ka na lang namin," pagbibiro ko.
Tanggap ko na hindi ako masyadong kagalingan sa accountancy. Unlike Gio who really excels in it and Adren who is naturally gifted with numbers, I'm probably struggling compare to them.
So, I won't compare myself to others anymore.
I won't let my mind cloud my heart with thoughts that could possibly hurt me.
Senior highschool made me realize that being smart isn't equivalent to being successful. The thing that really makes you successful is character. Arrogance would lead you nowhere but humility brings you to places you've always wanted to go to.
Failure can indeed hurt you, but you can always cry it out. Just don't forget to continue. Iyak ngayon, pero tutuloy pa rin para sa pangarap.
Nababawasan na rin ang mga panahon na nilalaan ko sa pag-iyak.
Because 10 years from now, will the thing I cried for...matter?
Mahalaga ba 'yon, matapos ang sampung taon?
Siguro ay tatawanan ko na lang na umiyak ako dahil nakatanggap ako ng four out of twenty.
"Zafirah! Ikaw daw mag-prepare nung mga gulay na ilalagay."
I smiled because finally I'm really at peace.
Not because I maintained my grades, I still get low scores from time to time in some subjects. Adjusting entries makes me cry a river.
Not because Czanne is finally with someone else, minsan ay inaasar niya pa rin ako sa pagiging sweet niya kay Sath. Sumbong ko siya sa manliligaw niya e.
It's all because I have Sath in my life again. He's the one that keeps me at peace.
My heart is in peace when I'm with him.
I shouldn't deprived myself with the peace that I deserve.
I answered my blockmate with a smile.
"Okay!"
I'm really okay. It was good to hear a sincere okay from my own lips.
『••✎••』
"Hey," I called Sath upon seeing him waiting for me. He was on one of the benches designated for those who are waiting for their turn.
"So, how did it go?" he asked. Ngumiti naman ako sa kanya habang papalakad kami sa exit.
"I'll have a few CBT sessions left," I answered. "It's improving."
My therapist told me that most of the time, the way we react or do actions for certain situations is based on our thoughts and not on what really occurred. We tend to distort our thoughts. Kaya naman sa pamamagitan ng CBT sessions namin ay pinapakita niya sa akin kung paano ko maaagapan ang mga naiisip ko.
"I'm proud of you, Zaf." He mumbled, softly ruffling my hair. "You're the bravest person I know."
I beamed at him. "Kain tayo bago umuwi? Drivethru?"
Agad naman siyang tumango sa akin. I'm glad Sath volunteered to be with me during the weekends to attend my therapy. Sobrang laking tulong na may taong nandiyan para sa'yo.
"Hi Zaf!" may bumati sa akin habang nasa parking lot kami. It was Sasha, one of the few people I meet in therapy.
"Hi Ate Sasha, ingat ka po sa paguwi." I waved my hand at her as she opened the door of her car. Agad naman niya itong sinuklian ng ngiti.
"Ingat rin kayo, Zaf! Enjoy sa date niyo!" she chuckled and entered her car.
"Who's that?" tanong ni Sath habang papaupo ako sa shotgun seat. Ang kanyang mga mata ay nasa papaalis na kotse ni Sasha.
"Si Sasha, she's one of my friends that I met during the therapy. Nakakausap ko siya no'ng hindi mo pa ako sinasamahan. She's really fun to talk to."
The first time I went to therapy made me feel nervous. Kahit na kasama ko noon si Mama at Papa, they were there to support me. Sa mga susunod na araw na bumalik ako sa clinic na ito ay minabuti ko na lang na mag-isa pumunta kahit may takot pa rin ako. I was scared of people knowing I have to go through sessions like this. Iniisip ko pa lang ang mga iisipin nila ay agad na akong nanghihina.
But then, I met Sasha. She was one of the most wonderful people here on this world. Unang kita pa lang niya sa akin ay agad na niya akong kinausap at pinakisamahan. I learned a lot about her even in just a few hours.
She was bubbly and friendly. Akala ko noon ay therapist din siya. Pero isa rin pala siya sa mga pasyente. She was opened when it comes to her own experiences. She had an abusive ex-husband and she blames herself for being hurt by him. She told me it was hard at first to accept that it was beyond her control. Unti-unti naman niya itong nalalagpasahan.
"What happened to her?"
"It's kind of confidential but she had it harder than me." I answered, sighing. "Pakiramdam ko nga ay halos lahat ng nandoon ay mas malala ang nangyayari sa kanila. I feel bad for feeling this way just because..."
"Zafi, stop invalidating what you feel." Sath sighed, his eyebrows were furrowed. "Susumbong kita sa therapist mo."
I chortled at him. "I know, pero pakiramdam ko talaga ay ang tatapang nila. It motivates me, Sath. Not because they had it worse than me but because I know they also struggled but still kept going."
May maliit na ngiti sa labi ni Sath.
"I'm glad you're opening up to me when it comes to this," malambing niyang saad. "Thank you, Zaf."
"People that I meet there had more struggles in life. If only I could tell you how hard life it is for them," hinilig ko ang ulo ko sa headrest ng upuan ko habang naguusap kami ni Sath sa gitna ng traffic.
"Yet they're still here. They choose to continue. Kaya kung kaya nila, siguro ay kaya ko rin."
"Some of them told me that they're not continuing for themselves but they live for the people who still want their existence here in this world." I mumbled under my breath.
It's hard to live for yourself sometimes. Lalo na kung mababa ang tingin mo sa sarili mo. When you don't know your own worth, it's really hard to live.
I cast a glance at Sath who had his eyes focused on the road.
"That's okay, as long as you find a reason to keep going," he replied. "I don't think living for another person is bad at all."
That's partly true. When those dark thoughts almost invaded my existence, I had to held towards my parents and friends to find a touch of hope for me to continue. Maswerte ako dahil kahit papaano ay nandiyan sila at naiintindihan nila ako. I can't help but think about those who are suffering and they have no one to talk to about it.
Sobrang hirap.
I couldn't blame them for ending it already.
"Sath, I'll live for you." I muttered breathlessly. "Thank you for being one of the reasons why I still exist."
Sath gave me a small smile. His hand reached for mine and he kissed my knuckles.
It comforts me knowing I have reasons to live — that despite of my own imperfections, there are people who accepts me beyond it.
I'll live to give my parents a more comfortable life. I'll live to travel with my friends in the future. I'll live to marry Sath one day. I'll live to become a CPA.
I'll live.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜