MADILYN HOLLEY
I spent the next few days hiding out in the pool house trying to avoid my problems for as long as possible. The only person I told about that night was Tess, and she lost her mind when I did. She tried to convince me that it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be but she had no idea. I had only had sex once before, I lost my virginity at a party when I was sixteen. I did it on a whim with a guy I hardly knew because I felt like I needed to. I felt like I hadn't done enough in life and that maybe I would be happier if I was just going with what all of my other friends were doing. That lifestyle wasn't for me though, and it ended up being one of the worst decisions I had ever made. I regretted that for so long, and now the second guy I sleep with I was so drunk I can't even remember it? My track record was getting worse and worse as I realized how toxic I am. I'm self destructive, and I can't seem to change it.
The worst part is that both times were such meaningless affairs, when really I viewed sex as so much more than that. I didn't want to have sex again until I was fully committed to someone. I'm not saying I needed to be married or anything, but I definitely was not a casual hookup kind of girl. I was too emotional of a person to treat it casually, I got too emotionally invested. That's why I wanted to wait after that first time until I was really in love, and with someone I fully trusted, and I blew that for myself. The longer I thought about it the worse I felt.
I heard a door open downstairs and heard the shuffling of feet coming up the stairs as Liam called my name. I didn't respond though, because only seconds later he was standing in the doorway of my room.
"Hey Madi, are you okay? I've only seen you once in the last three days and you've been holed up in here the whole time by yourself." Liam asked with worry laced through his voice.
"I'm alright Lee, I'm just having a rough time is all." I replied shortly.
"What's going on?" He asked, taking a seat at the edge of my bed.
I realized I couldn't tell him what was really wrong so instead I replied, "I just miss Alex. I want to talk to him more than anything. I would do anything to talk to him again. He was my best friend and he's gone and it just hurts."
I wasn't lying, the past three days have been horrible on all accounts. I was obviously upset about the entire situation going on with Harry, which made me want to lie around the house and sleep all day. However, with sleep came the nightmares, which woke me up and put me right back into the dark place. So I was sleep deprived and emotionally empty, hurting so badly because of all that was happening. I missed my brother and I felt guilty about my massive mistake, and everything was getting to be too much to handle.
"I know Madi, I know you do. You know if you ever need someone to talk to or to just be there, I am always here for you. I'm never going to judge you or think less of you for anything, and that includes your feelings. You know that right?" Liam asked.
Oh if only he knew, he wouldn't be so quick to say he isn't judging me. "I know, thank you." I replied with a small smile.
Liam gave me my space, which I was thankful for, heading back to the main house and leaving me to have some time by myself. That was when the wallowing began all over again.
HARRY STYLES
I sat on the floor alone in the studio I had pieced together with Mitch in our house, a guitar in my lap and a journal on the floor open in front of me. I used it often to write down thoughts, feelings, lyrics, sometimes I even sketched out melodies. I wrote everything in my journals, and they were a great way of keeping track of my ideas.
I sighed as I continued strumming a continual melody, not being able to find the right lyrics to fit with it. I thought about all of the mistakes I had made before and none of them seemed to match up with this one. I felt dirty. I felt awful. I felt unworthy. I had never felt this low before, and I had no clue how to grow from this.
"Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door
Hoping you'll come around"
I thought about how I had asked Mads if there was anything I could do and she said she wanted to be alone. I had been hoping she would come around but I hadn't heard from her or even heard about her in three days.
"Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor
Maybe we'll work it out."
I sat on the floor with the guitar in my hands, hopeful that someday something could change and maybe Madilyn would be able to forgive me. I had only known her a short time but I started developing real feelings for her the moment I saw her in the Beachwood Cafe, and I couldn't help but think about how quickly I had ruined things. I was filled with regret about what I had done, but I was also filled with hope that maybe she would be able to forgive me one day.
"I gotta get better, gotta get better
I gotta get better, gotta get better
I gotta get better, gotta get better"
This was the pivotal moment for me, the moment where I thought about how I had done something I never ever intended on doing. I know that I was drunk and I couldn't even remember it, but I just always thought that my morals wouldn't allow me to do such a thing. I never thought that I was the type of guy. I needed to get better and be better, and I needed to start now.
"And maybe we'll work it out"
My voice broke as I sang the last line, as the tears formed in my eyes again. I really hoped that Madilyn and I would be able to work everything out. I hoped that at the very least we could be friends because I needed her in my life, she added such a fun and light and carefree spirit to our friend group and she fit so perfectly. I didn't want to let her go. Just as the first tear fell from my eye, Mitch opened the door, a confused look on his face when he saw me on the floor crying with a guitar in my lap. I wish I could say that I was crying in a cool way but I probably looked like an idiot.
"What's up?" He asked cautiously.
"Just writing, you know how it is." I replied, hoping to maybe divert the conversation.
"What are you writing about?" Mitch asked in his own way to subtly ask why I was crying on the floor.
"Oh, I haven't gotten very far." I said.
"That's alright." Mitch said, realizing I wasn't ready to talk about it. I liked that he and I were able to communicate this way and understand each other's thoughts. Mitch was a great guy and I was lucky to call him my friend and even luckier to call him my roommate.
"I was going to call up Niall and Liam to see if everyone wanted to get together tonight?" Mitch asked, changing the subject.
"Yeah that sounds good man." I replied, and Mitch left me alone again to go let everyone know.
I only accepted because I hoped that I would see Madilyn there, but it didn't matter why I was going because no one else needed to know that. We left a short bit later and headed towards the beach to have a bonfire. When I got there I saw Niall and got out of my car to greet him.
"Hey Niall, what's up?" I said with a small smile.
"Not much, how are you Haz?" He asked back.
"I'm alright, just tired. You good?" I responded.
"Yeah I'm good." He said, clapping me on the back as we started walking down to the beach. Riveting conversation, I know, but we never needed too much detail. If we wanted to share then we would, and if not then we wouldn't. Most of my friends were like this, and it was something I really enjoyed about them. I never felt pressured or forced to open up or talk about anything, but if I wanted to, they were there.
Once we found a good spot we started setting up and a few minutes later our friends joined us. I saw Mitch and Layla walking over, and Liam trailed closely behind them. After exchanging greetings with everyone I asked Liam, "Where's Mads?"
"Oh she wasn't having a great day so she wanted to stay home. She'll be alright though." He responded with a reassuring smile.
My heart sank when he said that, because I knew that I was what had hurt her. "Did she say whats wrong?"
"She just misses her brother a lot. It's been hard for her." He said with a sigh. I could tell he missed him as well, but was probably trying to be strong for her. That made me feel ten times worse because now I was questioning if I was just an idiot for even thinking it was my fault because maybe she didn't even care enough about me to be hurt by the situation. Maybe she was? Or maybe she really was just upset about her brother. I have no clue. Either way I felt responsible and it wasn't a good feeling.
"What has she been doing?" Layla asked. "She hasn't texted me back since two days ago so I was going to ask about it tonight."
"She has just been holed up in the house since Saturday night." He replied.
My eyes grew wide as I realized that she really was lying, the reason she was upset was because of me, and she had been hiding in her house for three days all to avoid me. As the shock settled in I caught Mitch giving me a confused look and I realized that he might start piecing things together since he knows I've been moodier and a bit upset around him as well, so I flashed him a quick smile hoping to cover up my true feelings. It didn't seem to work very well though and he raised an eyebrow at me, which I pretended not to see.
"Babe you should go over there tomorrow and see how she's doing, do you think she would like that Liam?" Mitch asked.
"Yeah I think she would. She said she really loves hanging out with you Layla." Liam stated.
Layla smiled and said, "I was thinking about doing it! Now that I know how upset she's been though I'll definitely be there tomorrow."
The thought of Layla checking up on her made me feel better, knowing Layla would probably help her feel happier. My only concern was the fact that she was dating my roommate, and if even one person finds out about what happened, a whole world of trouble would be started. I just hoped it would go well tomorrow, but only time would tell. I spent the rest of the night trying to smile and pretend that everything was fine, when really my mind was filled with thoughts about the girl who was missing from our group. The girl who I had hurt. The girl I needed to make things right with.