Chapter 5: I’m Sorry
The next few days have been pretty hectic and yes, filled with Romano’s complaints. I can usually just laugh it off but now he just won’t let me suck in air until I answer him with a decision. Even if I gave him a decision he’d say I’m wrong and try to convince me he would make the right one. What a little fool he can be sometimes.
I picked up the last box of tomatoes and set it outside. I had to prepare the shipments that we were going to sell to other countries. All these fields weren’t just there for Romano and me. They were there so that I could sell them all as exports. I have to make money to keep living, after all.
Although I don’t mind if Romano sneaks a tomato or two when we pick them because there’s always plenty. I even sneak a few myself and I use them for food for myself too. What’s the point of growing them if you can’t enjoy them? That’s how I always see it anyway. There was always something else I saw the tomato fields to be.
I saw the tomato fields as a growing bond. I had grown up here and have been living here for so many years helping them grow. They always remind me of the prosperity that can come to be if we all work together. I had a special connection to this place. This place was my home.
They also reminded me of the growing bond between Romano and me. He had practically grown up in those fields, just like me. We both worked there together, no matter how many times I had to push him to work. He would grumble and complain but he eventually put up with it. We had put so much work into this and just like our bond, the tomato plants are strong and healthy.
I wiped off some sweat that was on my forehead and sighed a deep sigh of relief. By the end of the day I was completely exhausted. I never remember wanting to do anything but rest. When the time for all these shipments comes to an end though, I have weeks to do whatever needs to be done. I just have to put up with this exhaustion for a few more days.
I came back inside, bumping into Romano as I trudged into the kitchen. I chuckled a little as I patted him on the back. I didn’t even see him when I walked in. In fact, I don’t remember seeing the kitchen. My vision was blurry and I could barely make out any color besides black.
I walked into the living room, throwing myself onto the couch. How long has it been since I’ve had this disease? A year maybe? I can’t even remember anymore. He only knows that I’ve had it for like a month but little does he know it’s been going on for a long time.
I closed my eyes, trying to drift off into sleep. All I needed was rest. I was then awoken by the sound of something busting outside. The sound of something hitting the dirt. I darted my eyes open, able to see better than before I closed them somehow.
I rushed outside, seeing a red liquid seeping into the ground. I looked up from the ground to see the klutz himself, sitting on the ground. He pounded his fists into the dirt and crossed them, angry with himself I supposed. I looked around at the tomatoes that had rolled off into the splotches of grass.
“Take it easy, you didn’t ruin all of them. We still have plenty.” I assured him.
I picked up all the tomatoes that had not busted open and covered them with the apron that I was wearing around my waist. I looked at the broken pieces of wood. He must’ve tried to pick up the whole box by himself. He wanted to bring the shipments to the truck, making my job easier.
“Stupid! You don’t get it, do you?! This is why I’m here right now and not over there with my brother!” Romano yelled.
I wasn’t surprised that he was yelling. He was always very easy to aggravate and he was also known to yell so loud I heard my ears ringing once. I set the apron aside and picked up the sharp pieces of wood. I stacked them in a little pile beside the white cloth as I sat next to him.
“It’s all right you know and pouting won’t get you anywhere.” I laughed.
“Why do I even bother talking to you? You say the same things. You say it’s ok and don’t worry about it even though I know you’re lying. You think I’m stupid? Say what you mean, damnit!!!” he continued to yell.
“All right, all right. You don’t have the skills that your brother has ,but you still do so much. You produce food for the rest of the world. You work so hard just to prove that you can. You’re different from your brother, in a good way.” I said, hoping to cheer him up.
For a second I thought he was actually going to cry. He looked up at me with these purely innocent eyes. I couldn’t stand the look of him without me crying so I looked to the sky instead. He seemed to fidget, like he couldn’t figure out where to sit without being uncomfortable. When I realized the sky was getting darker I knew the stars were going to come out.
I leaned back onto the ground, staring into what was going to be a beautiful night sky. Romano followed me and put his hands behind his head. For a long time I had wanted to show him the sky like this out here and point out the constellations. I guess that’s what I always saw a good father doing.
When he was supposed to be waiting on the stars I looked over for a split second to see his gaze resting on me. I couldn’t tell what the face really looked like because it had gotten dark but it felt a little awkward. I kept his gaze, wondering what he would do. He turned his face back to the sky.
“What?” I asked him.
“Nothing, forget it.” he answered.
“Now who’s not saying what he means?” I chuckled.
He sighed in aggravation, looking at me again. I met his gaze again, waiting to hear what he would say. He hesitated for a moment, almost like he was about to spill his guts out. He sat up from the dirt.
“Why? Why do you always defend me like that?”
“Because that’s what good fathers do. They don’t care what you’ve done, they’ll always forgive you for it. They’re there for you no matter what happens.”
“Do you really think this is about being a father anymore? You know damn well that’s not what this is about.”
I was surprised this time by his response. Could it be that what I’ve wanted was not to become a good father but something else entirely? That what I think is not what I’m really doing? I was about to say something but I hesitated this time. I didn’t really understand it myself.
“Oh, Romano.” I sighed.
“Don’t you even realize it yourself?” he asked me again.
“Realize what? What do you mean?”
He was about to yell at me again but he stopped himself with a heavy breath. He needed that therapy when he was little. He scooted closer to me, I guess trying to make a point. That was when I noticed the first stars coming out. I sat up and stared at them in amazement.
“Look Romano. A shooting star.” I smiled, pointing to the sky.
I think he looked just quick enough to catch the tail of it. He closed his eyes for a second, maybe wishing for something. I closed my eyes too but I didn’t really know what to wish for. So I wished that Romano would be accepted again. He needed to know that his people cared about him.
I opened my eyes to find him closer than I remembered before I closed them. I laughed nervously, not really knowing what else to do. He had never been that close before. He always kept his distance.
“Amigo, you don’t have to sit so close. It’s not even cold out.”
My thoughts were all blocked when he inched his face forward. My cheeks flared up and I was about to push him back when he did something I didn’t expect. He shot his face upward in a flash, pressing our lips together. I was so stunned I didn’t even know if I should kiss him back.
By all the rules in the book this is the most wrong I’ve ever been in the act of. What was I doing? He must have obviously been drinking before all this while I wasn’t looking. This is the weirdest thing he’s ever done. Although I can’t say I hated it.
Before I could even get the chance to decide what I wanted to do he broke off the kiss and took in a breath. I stared at him in complete shock. His cheeks looked like they had been smeared with tomato sauce they were so red. His eyes wavered and he looked like he was a lost puppy, lost inside my eyes.
He had been hiding these feeling for how long now? Why didn’t he just tell me instead of acting all distant? Why did I never notice it before? The way he always watched me. The way I always wanted to protect him.
I pressed a hand on his cheek, “I’m sorry. I’ve been so blind.”
He didn’t say anything but nodded his head to let me know it was ok. Now what? I had never kissed anyone before so I was nervous. Is this really what I should do right now? I leaned in closer to where our lips were inches from touching. He closed his eyes, seemingly willing to let me do anything.
I couldn’t just take advantage of him like that. I bit into my lip and drew back. I got a stunned look from Romano. I didn’t know whether it was sadness or fear.
“I’m sorry.” I finished.
I stood up from the dirt ground and walked back inside. I’m sorry for not being able to love you.