Honestly, I didn't really care what Yin Li might be thinking. The mind of a rich person is a mysterious thing.
But being able to go to school was a huge incentive. Even Mo Xing Zhi agreed that Yin Li was rarely so charitable.
"Judging by your age you should probably be a second or third-year university student, but I'm really curious as to what major you are," Mo Xing Zhi had said to me.
Ever since Yin Li had left for Europe, Mo Xing Zhi only visited that one time. I saw him mostly in the news on television, in magazines, or in newspapers. He had officially taken over the reins of the Mo clan.
In regards to his question, I was pretty curious too but lacked the courage to ask Yin Li. The topic of my previous major was a thorny maze. I stood at the entrance wanting to go and ask but was too afraid to take the first step. The maze was covered in a dense layer of fog. I had exerted all my brain power but couldn't remember. In my mind there was only an illusory, gray mist.
Thankfully, my leg was recovering rapidly. Before leaving Yin Li had ordered the group of experts to draft a new rehabilitation plan. On top of that, I exercised for an additional thirty minutes every day on my own.
Those thirty minutes belonged solely to me, and only me. No Yin Li, no Mo Xing Zhi.
I would look at myself in the mirror, thinking that from now on I would take care to never look as awful as I had on that day.
At the end of the two-month deadline Yin Li had given me, I was finally able to walk without pain or difficulty. My posture wasn't pretty, my stride was unnatural, and I could only walk for up to an hour. Despite it all, being able to walk without any support was sweeter than anything else in the world.
During the afternoon when the yard basked in sunlight, I would walk slowly for half an hour filled with a simple but poignant feeling towards life.
Because movement was easier, I was constantly brimming with excess energy. Take Yin Li's house. Previously my movement in it was limited to the first floor but nowadays I was itching to explore the rooms upstairs, especially the room next to Yin Li's study with an intricately carved door. The door handle's delicate patterns must have been designed to lure people in, because I swear that a sound called from deep in my heart. Open it, open it.
Without any inner struggle, I obeyed.
It's a pity I was disappointed upon opening the door.
Turns out it was a spacious room with many windows. The walls were lined with mirrors that refracted every image and strand of light and seemed to detain sunlight itself. Squinting against the glare, I stood there and took in the staleness of the air and the layer of dust under the light, all evidence hinting that this room had been abandoned for a long time.
I walked in.
Only then did I notice photos progressing from childhood to adolescence hanging above the mirrors. From the facial features, it appeared to all be of the same person. She wore leotards and tutus, striking different ballet poses through different years of her life—standing en pointe, tilting her graceful neck upwards, and leaping through the air. The photos captured a singular frame of her figure in movement.
So beautiful.
From the photos, I could feel the dynamic rhythm. In a way, the path from the doorway to the far wall held the entirety of that young woman's life of dance. The uncertain gazes from youth progressed to her proud expression and refined air.
At the end of the room, an oil painting of the woman replaced the photos. Dressed in traditional Chinese clothing, posing with the lofty air of nobility, and sitting with an upright posture, she stared out from the center of the painting with an enigmatic Mona Lisa smile. This looked to be a family-portrait-style painting. It was also the only picture where she wasn't in ballet clothes.
That painting was placed so high up that I had to tilt my head back to look at it. The person in it seemed to be looking straight at me, staring or perhaps even glaring at me.
I didn't recognize that face but the expression made me feel extremely uneasy.
Although its features were different from Yin Li's face, its expression resembled his. Solemn, arrogant, and unapproachable.
Scared by that painting, I rapidly shifted my gaze away and, turning my head, instantly spotted interesting objects on the other side of the room.
It was a huge cabinet. I opened it and the clouds of dust instigated a coughing fit.
But as expected, this cabinet had some interesting things.
At the very bottom were dancing shoes, both old and new; in the middle hung many large and small ballet costumes; and on the top shelf were rows of trophies of many different shapes and sizes.
Seems like this room was for practicing ballet.
Wanting to cast more judgement, I looked back. That huge oil painting was still gazing down at me with an aloof and superior air. A mischievous idea suddenly popped into my head.
I turned around to face the mirrors. Then, twisting one foot back, I took a bow, even remembering to hold up the hem of my non-existent skirt. The woman's pervasive presence in the room seemed to vanish temporarily, and I once again felt like I had ownership of the place.
Looking in the mirrors, I noticed that my bent knee and the arch of my body were also extraordinarily elegant. Even though my leg still hadn't recovered its nimbleness, my calf had finally regained muscular contours.
This discovery temporarily distracted me from my surroundings. I copied the various ballet poses in the photos, repeatedly mimicking her dance positions in the mirror. To my surprise I was very successful, and once my playfulness was triggered I couldn't help but continue. Finally, I stood on my toes and grabbed a crystal trophy from the cabinet's top shelf and fiddled with it.
Then facing the setting sun, I stood in front of the mirror and raised the trophy up above my head. Like I had just won an award, I announced in a voice choked with emotion: "First, I'd like to thank the committee for giving me this opportunity! I also want to thank my loved ones for supporting me: Thank you Dad, Mom, thank you Teacher, thank you CCTV!1 Thank you everybody!"
1CCTV here refers to China Central Television, a state-owned television broadcaster in China that's one of the most prominent/popular networks in the country. They do stuff like news, entertainment, drama, etc. They also do the massive Lunar New Year's Gala show (春节联欢晚会) that's hugely popular with Chinese families. It's like the Superbowl in the USA, it's that popular to watch.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror, feeling more pleased with myself the longer I looked. Once again I bent my waist and took a few more bows, but straightening back up I was still unsatisfied. I turned to my imaginary audience and graciously blew a few kisses. "Thank you everyone! Thank you everyone!"
*Clap clap clap* Matching the scene, the sound of applause came from behind.
Still immersed in my own little world, I didn't stop to question it and continued idiotically crying into the mirror: "Thank you all for your support! I'll always love you guys!" Then, I laughed loudly with my hands on my hips.
Only then did I feel that something was off......
As expected, when I stiffly turned around I saw Yin Li leaning casually against the doorway. I didn't even dare look at his face, but I somehow summoned up the courage and said, "What's wrong with you! You don't even knock before entering?!"
"The door was open."
Unsatisfied with his response, I pointed to the wall of photos and criticized, "It's all the fault of this room's bad feng shui!1 With so many photos on the wall, everyone who enters becomes stupid, like they're possessed! Ai! Looking at the person in those photos gives me the creeps, even my mind's in a mess! I don't even know what happened to me!"
1Pretty sure everyone knows what feng shui is, but for those of you that are in the dark, feng shui is this Chinese pseudoscience-y thing that's like...architecture/room deco but arranging things so they're auspicious.
Yin Li remained silent, so I stealthily snuck a peek at him and saw that he was staring at the photos, lost in thought. Warning lights went off in my head, not good! I was a fool, if this woman's photographs were able to appear in Yin Li's house, Yin Li must truly miss her a lot!
Yin Li's attention at last returned to me. "Yan Xiao, did you immediately dislike her when you saw her?"
I forced a smile. "Actually, I get jealous of others very easily. Seeing someone who's prettier than me, richer than me, and more graceful than me, makes me feel very uncomfortable." Then I added, "See, even you admire her, right? Just that fact alone would make others detest her."
"I don't admire her." Yin Li turned his attention away from me, taking another look at the girl on the wall. His expression certainly didn't feel like admiration, instead like he was pondering something.
At this time, I regained my courage. "Yeah, in fact, not admiring her means you have good taste."
"Oh?"
I nicely explained for Yin Li, "Don't you know? Women who do ballet have no boobs! Look at how skinny this girl is! This chest—HD flat-screen TV! Too tragic! Thank God you don't like her! There are plenty of fish in the sea!2 There's no need for you to look for love in a flat chest."
2The original text uses the idiom 天涯何处无芳草, which translates literally to "in this big world, what place lacks fragrant grass?" Pretty sure the meaning is clear lmao.
In my mind I was already sure than this woman was Yin Li's former love. Towards an ex, most people hope that after breaking up, the other person's life becomes more and more miserable. In order to flatter Yin Li, I naturally didn't hesitate to spare anyone from insult, and furthermore, I honestly didn't like the girl in the photos very much.
Yin Li nodded with apparent approval. "En."
Pleased with myself, I smiled at him.
He smiled back. "Yan Xiao, she is my younger sister, Yin Xuan."
"Oh." My scalp felt numb, like five lightning strikes had landed on it, as I backpedaled, "Even with a flat chest, she must be amazing. You see, ballet dancers have an aura that sets them apart from others, very noble!"
Yin Li stared at me. "I've never met anyone like you." Then, he gave me a look full of confusion. "You shouldn't be like this."
Knowing that he was talking about the me from the past, I immediately felt hopeless. With a slight feeling that I should just give up and stop bothering, I responded, "In any case, this is who I am now. Just now, didn't you see it? You definitely think I'm an idiot, that I'm always causing trouble and I can't sense the atmosphere,3 right?" I didn't know or understand what I was like in the past, which made me feel like a failure. My silly actions in front of the mirror earlier, which were for my own amusement, must have looked to Yin Li like narcissism, I thought with some desperation.
3The original text uses the phrase 跳梁小丑, which translates literally to "a clown jumping off a bridge". It's a chengyu (Chinese idiom) meaning "a bad person who constantly stirs up trouble and can't sense/doesn't respect the atmosphere".
Yin Li stared blankly. "I didn't mean at all that your current self is bad, just that your past self was different." His response didn't answer my question, but when he then directed his gaze elsewhere, I knew that he didn't want to continue on that topic.
But I couldn't contain my curiosity. "Did I know your sister before?"
Yin Li furrowed his brow. I knew my question was past his boundaries but he still politely responded, "No, you two weren't acquainted and had never met.
"She's been living in Europe for a long time and hasn't returned home for a visit these past years. I went to Europe not only for work but also to see her."
I made a sound of acknowledgement, withdrawing my gaze from the photos of Yin Xuan. "Is she doing ballet in Europe?"
"Yes." Yin Li refused to touch anymore on this topic. "Come with me to the study, I have some questions for you."
Afterwards, I followed him out of the room and watched as he locked the door. Those dazzlingly reflective mirrors were shut away inside and this ballet practice room would once again sink into the dust. At that moment a baffling feeling appeared in my heart; undoubtedly this room made me uncomfortable, yet I felt a slight sense of loss, the origins of which were a mystery to me. Tucking away my disappointment, I could only attribute my odd feelings to premenstrual syndrome .
Then I obediently followed Yin Li to the study. It was my first time inside, turned out it was different from my expectations and didn't have a simple, minimalist style. Instead, antique curios4 were arranged everywhere, giving it an elegant atmosphere.
4Chinese curios can be small ornaments carved out of jade or other precious stones, miniature statues of animals or people, little ceramic vases or tea cups, etc. They're usually displayed in fancy carved wooden boxes/shelves.
He walked to the desk, took out a newspaper, and spread it out for me to see. "What happened here?" His tone held no reproach, but his eyes watched me closely. I cowered for no reason, but then tremblingly lifted my head back up to look at the newspaper.
Half of its entire page was occupied by a color photo. Above the photo in giant letters was the line "Notice: Looking For This Person", I guessed that it was probably Mo Xing Zhi who had stuck it on there for me.
Only then did I carefully examine the picture, and what I saw almost made me faint.
Turns out it was a picture of me sitting in the wheelchair. Worst of all, he'd chosen the ugliest one out of the bunch where my eyes just so happened to be mid-blink when it was taken. When I picked up the newspaper with my hands shaking to take a closer look at it, I discovered that under the postmodern-art-looking title, besides a line giving a telephone number to contact, there was also this rhyme:
"I awoke from a nightmare, but forgot all of my past.
Yesterday's matters, I can no longer grasp.
Will there be anyone who, taking hold of my hand,
Will guide me past today, guide me towards tomorrow, tell me my name and my fate?
I have always been waiting for the knowledgeable you,
To help me regain the treasures that I've misplaced."
Niang Niang: im really sad guys... candle deleted my ghetto af translations � i think they are 10x better than normal english. THIS IS WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN:
As expected, when I stiffly turned around I saw Yin Li leaning casually against the doorway like uhh whaddup dawggg. I didn't even dare look at his face. I hardened my balls and said: "How could you be like this! You don't even knock before entering?! GOTTA KNOCK BEFORE YOU TUCK IT DAWG"
"The door was open dawg."
I couldn't accept such blasphemy and pointed to the wall of photos, criticizing, "This room's Feng Shui is shit yoo! All these photos are making me fakking returded dawg. A fookin curse! AISHHH! My brain's a hot mess! I don't even know waddafook I'm doing dawwwg!"
Candle: fook dat desu
Candle: Also, I spent extra effort figuring out how to translate that last part so it all rhymed while still keeping the original meaning lol. In the original text it's much shorter, but then again Chinese can be shorter than English syllable-wise yet stuff in more nuance. To make it more ....emotional..or maybe poetic, I guess, I thought turning it into a rhyme would be a good idea.
Niang Niang: Candle and I are going off to the great PRC where WordPress is blocked (we think). The chapters will still update but we might not be able to approve comments. We'll be back in 3ish weeks.
"Yan Xiao, I called the newspaper and asked. The notice was put up by Mo Xing Zhi, and furthermore was personally written by him. The contact number is also his." Yin Li watched me as he spoke, making my whole body feel uncomfortable, as if he were a snake and I were the prey he was stalking.
"I don't know how you became acquainted with Mo Xing Zhi, but you have too much hostility for me. You'd rather trust a total stranger like Mo Xing Zhi."
I cursed Yin Li in my heart. Was there any difference between him and Mo Xing Zhi to an amnesiac like me? Weren't they both strangers to me? But I lacked the courage to say this aloud and instead said, "Don't you have a lot of work?1 I just didn't want to bother you! And I didn't expect Mo Xing Zhi to handle it so unreasonably."
1The original text uses the chengyu 日理万机, translating literally to "ten thousand matters a day". It essentially means "to have a heavy workload" and comes from ancient times when some dude once remarked on the emperor having to handle lots of government affairs everyday.
"We truly were in love before and got engaged, but even then you never told me anything about your family. We agreed to respect each others privacy so I didn't ask you. I only waited for you to tell me yourself someday. After your unfortunate car accident, I exhausted all methods to get in contact with your family but had no luck." As Yin Li spoke, he watched me out of the corner of his eye with an inscrutable expression. "I will talk with the newspaper and negotiate with them to remove Mo Xing Zhi's ad. Yan Xiao, perhaps I shouldn't say it like this, but it's possible that your relatives have already passed away. Also, one last thing: even if you don't remember, you are still my fiancée."
I felt a bit embarrassed. "No way, no way, I'm not suitable enough for you. See, I don't have as much class as your younger sister and as much beauty as Yan Ge. I'm not smart and don't have any amazing skills or talents that would attract you. You were definitely mistaken when you fell for me in the past."
Yin Li didn't have any objections to what I said, so I cleared my throat and continued, "To be honest, I also don't have any desire to waste your youth. Seeing that your affection for me has obviously dried up and my legs have recovered, in my opinion, you should just pay me some break-up fees and mental damages fees, that way we'll be even and can both go our own ways. As for me, I'll continue the search for my family members. They might even be overseas!"
At this, Yin Li smiled. "Yan Xiao, how do you know my affections for you have dried up?" Then he took my hand and firmly pressed it over his heart, "How do you know? Hmm? Was it like this?"
Due to this action of his, the distance between us decreased too much. I wasn't used to being so close to another person. It intruded on my personal space. I felt suffocated by Yin Li's unmistakably male presence, and my hand that was pressed against his chest felt like it was on fire. I could distinctly feel the pulse of a heartbeat through my palm, but I couldn't tell if it came from my own body or from Yin Li's.
Just like that, Yin Li watched me. "Yan Xiao, you don't like hearing me talk about your past relationships, so I'll respect you. I'll let you arrange things yourself and I'm willing to not interfere. But from the start, you disregarded me and instead, chose to get close to an outsider like Mo Xing Zhi without even thinking of relying on me; this is not being fair.
Yin Li's tone wasn't accusatory. Instead, he seemed like the Lord of Darkness who never displayed the weakness of a victim. He only gazed calmly at me, with a serene, inscrutable look in his eyes as if he really was dependable. It made you feel like you really had wronged him, and as if all his previous coldness was actually deep affection and akin to a favor from him.
I felt confused, I couldn't understand him.
"Yan Xiao, I know you need time to come to terms with everything, but I also need time. You're completely different from the past, now I too am completely unfamiliar with you."
After hearing Yin Li say these words, I finally understood the cause of my confusion from before. I pulled my hand away from his chest. "Since we're all strangers now, do we really need to shackle ourselves together, like sticking your own hand back in the handcuff?" I sighed, "I understand your feelings towards me, but...forgive me for being blunt, I'm afraid that there isn't much of a chance that I'll fall in love with you." Then I glanced at Yin Li out of the corner of my eye, "It's like this: for the current me, I prefer Mo Xing Zhi's type."
At this, Yin Li's expression finally lost its calm. "I never knew you liked the uncivilized type."
"Handsome body, full wallet, foolish mind. Don't you know that this type is currently the most in demand? Plus, you're too smart, I can't keep up with you. Yin Li, when the day comes that you no longer want me, I reckon that you'd sell me off and I'd still count the money for you.2" As I spoke, I took a brief look at Yin Li. He was even more handsome than Mo Xing Zhi, but on his stunning face there was always an excessively calm expression, making him seem really perceptive, but also making foolish people like me nervously want to keep a distance, to escape feeling controlled.
2A Chinese idiom that means, "you'll use me for your own purposes and, without even realizing what's happening, I'll even feel grateful to you".
Yet Yin Li gave a light smile. "Then you guys are all the more ill-suited. In relationships, it's better to be complementary. Since you say you're foolish, it's better not to be with a similarly foolish Mo Xing Zhi, I fear you two together would be surpassingly foolish.
"That's right, I am foolish, I really can't understand why, if you're so determined to stay together. In all those gatherings or media appearances or interviews you're in, why doesn't your left hand have an engagement ring on it? I have also never heard any talk of you having a fiancee." I gazed at Yin Li and smiled.
I persevered, continuing to smile stupidly at Yin Li, until he furrowed his brow. "Yan Xiao, I was only protecting you. Announcing our engagement too early, wouldn't be good for you. I know doing this doesn't give you a peace of mind, but I always tried to think of other ways to reassure you.
Feeling that his words still weren't strong enough, Yin Li added, "I'm willing, as long as it increases your trust in me, to do anything."
I almost couldn't restrain myself from laughing. Yin Li, I was waiting for you to say this line.
"Isn't this a simple matter? Actually, with a position like yours, don't even mention an engagement. Even marriage is something that you might keep secret. Still, if you don't wear an engagement ring, a tattoo is okay too! You could tattoo my name or face or some other symbol of me in an inconspicuous spot on your body as proof of your love."
After these words, I finally saw cracks appear in Yin Li's carefully-maintained calm expression. Seeing the look on his face, I felt extremely pleased with myself. I suffered so many setbacks because of Yin Li, so on the rare occasions that I could get back at him, I felt extremely happy.3
3The original text uses 扬眉吐气, which is a chengyu meaning the happiness that one feels when one finally escapes a situation where one has been oppressed for a long time.
But surprisingly, after muttering darkly under his breath for a moment, Yin Li smiled again. "Will that reassure you? Then sure, I'll do it. Only, Yan Xiao, after this don't use your jokes to fool me again. Remember, you are Yin Li's fiancee, whether in the past, in the present, or in the future."
Yin Li's smile was extremely beautiful, even the corners of his eyes carried a trace of beauty. But as for me, there seemed to have been a loud explosion in my head, and I felt that I hadn't really caught him in an easy trap.4 Rather, I had dug my own grave.
4The original text uses 瓮中捉鳖, which literally means "to catch a turtle in a jar". It's an idiom that means "to set an easy target for yourself".