Kabanata 36
If I Have Nothing
I started taking my medications regularly. I also limit my calorie intake and exercise everyday. My schedule would always be: wake up in the morning to study for three hours and then come down to the gym for an hour. Kung hindi naman makapag-gym sa umaga, I'll do it after class. Pagkagaling sa school, magpapaalam din ako kay Rhett na mag-g-gym (minsan kasama siya pero minsan hindi dahil pagod siya) and then, I'll cook our dinner, talk for a bit, study a little and sleep.
Kahit minsan, nakakapagod, I always think of what would happen to me if I stop? Lolobo ako and my medications might not work if I don't discipline myself.
Dahil sa mga gamot na iniinom ay unti-unting nawawala ang pagtubo ng tigyawat sa aking mukha. Twice a month, I have an appointment to the dermatologist for a laser hair removal. I was slowly gaining my confidence back that it brought enthusiasm to both Marriam and Juni.
Matamlay kasi talaga ako tuwing nag-aaya silang lumabas. I don't want to go out because I feel out of place. Iba kasi iyong pakiramdam na walang masyadong maipipintas sa katawan mo kasi hindi iyon papansinin ng ibang tao. If you have a lot of imperfections, people will repeatedly ask you the same questions and make it a big deal. Mabuti na lang ay may mga kaibigan akong iniintindi ang aking sitwasyon.
I never told them about my PCOS. There wasn't any cure for my condition and I don't want them to worry more. Kahit na sabihin pang hindi nila ako kinaaawaan, I always felt that I look pitiful even more. I am strong. I can fight this one. Walang akong gyerang sinusukuan lalo pa kung nakasalalay dito ang kasiyahan ko sa huli.
I never told Rhett. I am afraid to give him false hopes about having a lot of children in the end. Ang isa nga ay hindi na ako sigurado, paano pa kaya ang marami? But I also can't hide my condition from him forever. Pasasaan pa't baka aksidenteng masabi ni Mommy o baka magtaka siya sa pagbabago ko kaya magtatanong-tanong siya.
But I feel better now, at least. We don't really talk much because we're busy. Samahan pa na ang banda nila ay sumisikat na. Sometimes he's bothered in his internship by some of the employees. Nagtatanong ng kung anu-ano sa kaniya makita lang siya. He said he wasn't the most approachable intern but carrying his family's name and being in a band made him one.
"Anong oras ka uuwi?" I asked him over the phone while I was walking towards our unit. Ngayon ay nagpapahatid na ako sa driver namin kasi masyado na siyang busy sa internship at ayaw kong makaabala. At first he disagreed and said that he could still make time for me. Pero ako na lang ang tumanggi.
"I might be home early," he sighed, "You're home now?"
"Nasa harap na ng unit." I took the key and insert it on the knob. Binuksan ko ang pinto pati na rin ang ilaw.
"Early ka pa ha?" I was smiling while roaming my eyes around.
"Yeah, you seem excited."
Tumawa ako. "Wala lang, I'm just happy today. Pumunta kasi sina Juni at Darwin sa school."
"Alright. I just have to finish some papers and then, I'll be home."
Ngumiti ako at ibinaba na ang tawag. Nagbihis muna ako ng gym clothes at bumaba. I don't have friends in the gym, minsan kasi ay umiiwas ako at sinusubukang sarilihin na lang ang aking oras.
I run on the treadmill and did some stretching. So far, I had gotten a little smaller. Mas bumaba na ang timbang ko at hindi na ako madaling mapagod. Baka dahil sinanay ko na ang sarili kaya mas matagal bago ako dalawin ng pagod.
I was doing a goble squat when someone approached me. Noong una ay hindi ko na lang pinansin dahil baka may gagawin lang din naman. I looked at my peripheral vision but the person was just standing beside me.
"Poor you, Syden. Lumaki ka na pala ng ganyan?" I finally gazed at the familiar voice. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang si Ellie iyon. A classmate way back in Senior High.
She was also wearing gym clothes, ang kaibahan lang namin ay nakashorts siya at ako naman ay long leggings. I stopped what I was doing. Inilapag ko ang kettle bell sa sahig at namaywang sa kaniyang harapan.
"And what is your problem with that?"
She smirked and eyed me up and down. "Kaya siguro di na kita nakikitang kasama ng kaibigan ng kuya mo? Kasi lumaki ka na? He must have replaced you immediately. Kung ako lang din naman, I won't settle for someone as chubby as you."
I sighed and eyed her secretly. Well, she was thin all over. Manipis ang baywang ngunit may kalakihan naman sa hita pero payat pa rin naman siyang tingnan para sa akin.We were both on the same height but I looked bigger, alright.
"—he won't settle for you more kasi kapag pumayat ka, may stressmarks ka naman. That's just a pity for you."
I smiled sarcastically. I won't let her words devour me, lalo na kung ginagamit niya lang din naman ang pangalan ni Rhett. I know she likes him, everybody does. Pero ni isang tingin ay hindi siya ginawaran ni Rhett which made her want him more, I guess?
Hindi pa rin naman talaga nagbabago si Ellie. Papatulan na lang lahat ng makikitang akala niya convenient at compatible sa kaniya.
"Ellie," I slowly uttered her name, "I don't really care about what you think of me now. People change, not only in perspectives but also in physical aspects. Hindi mo naman masisisi kung magbabago ang pisikal na anyo ng tao dahil lang sa tingin mo ay mas angat ka sa kanila."
"You just look pitiful. Wala na rin namang magkakagusto sa'yo."
I shrugged. "Men who're attracted to you are pathetic, anyways. Ayaw kong maging katulad mo."
"What do you mean by that?" her brows furrowed. Mas lalo siyang lumapit sa akin. I stood on my ground and smiled at her. Mukhang nairita siyang lalo sa aking inasta.
"You're ugly and chubby! Matalino ka lang naman!"
"Well, that's more like it. Mas gusto kong may alam ako kaysa maging bobo. Ikaw ba? Ano bang alam mo maliban sa manglait ng kapwa at manulot ng karelasyon? As a woman, I am disgusted with people like you. Napaka-babae mong tao pero ibinababa mo rin ang kapwa mo babae. You should be ashamed of what you're doing."
Tinalikuran ko na siya doon. Kaunti lang ang tao sa gym kaya walang masyadong nakakita sa amin. I didn't bother changing my clothes.
I sighed. Ellie and I didn't get along anymore when we were in Senior High. Ganoon din ang iba naming mga kaklaseng babae. Napunta lang naman sila sa amin kapag may kailangan silang sagot kay Darwin. They don't bother asking me anymore kasi parang sinasabi na nila na kung ano ang sagot ni Darwin ay ganoon na din ang akin.
Hindi ko na lang inalala ang sinabi ni Ellie. I've seen the truth myself. Lumaki nga ako and I also looked down on myself when that big change happened. Pero nang malaman ko ang aking kondisyon, naintindihan ko na ang lahat. With PCOS, a woman could experience weight gain and some unexpected changes. Hindi lang iyon, it also affected me psychologically and emotionally. I've had sleepless nights, thinking how those things happened to me in a snap. Pero nang mapag-aralan ko na, natutunan kong mahalin ang sarili ko. The effects of my condition could gradually vanish once I take my medications and it did me good kaya kahit ano pang sabihin ni Ellie o ng ibang tao sa akin, wala ng epekto iyon sa akin.
I am already one with those women who are fighting with the same condition. And I was inspired to see how they improved themselves despite those difficulties and changes. I've seen testimonies where they still smile while telling their journey of fighting against PCOS. At nang makita kong posible pang magka-anak, umasa din naman ako. In time, I hope I could have one and I'll protect her. Kung makuha niya man ang sakit sa akin, I'll be there to support the changes in her body and her emotional health. Hindi ko hahayaang magkaroon ng pagdududa ang aking anak sa kaniyang sarili o di kaya'y hayaan niyang apihin siya ng mga tao.
In this world, we're not certain of everything. Kaya inihahanda ko na ang sarili ko sa kung anuman ang mangyayari. I'll embrace my fate and try to go with the flow because I know, there is a reason why it's happening or why it has to happen.
"What are you cooking?" Napapitlag ako nang may pumulupot na braso sa aking baywang. I was facing the stove and I just spaced out. Kahit nga ang pagbukas-sara ng pinto ay hindi ko narinig.
Bahagya kong nilingon si Rhett. "Hello, hindi traffic?" tanong ko. Inaasahan ko kasing medyo late siya uuwi kahit sinabi niyang early pa. May traffic naman kasi kaya maiintindihan ko kung sakaling mahuli siya. I was estimating that he might come home after I cooked all the food.
"Hindi," he kissed my cheek lovingly. May mga pimple marks pa akong naiwan but it didn't seem to bother him.
"What are you cooking?" he eyed the dish past my shoulders.
"Chicken Alfredo Pasta." I grinned. I want to try a new dish kaya kanina habang may break sa klase, nanuod ako ng mga youtube videos about foods that are easy to cook. Maraming pasta dishes na lumabas kaya iyon ang naisipan kong lutuin.
"I bought some garlic bread."
Nagliwanag ang aking mga mata. I giggled then went back to what I am cooking. Nakayakap pa rin siya sa aking baywang at ang baba ay nasa aking balikat. It was warming to be in a position like this. Lalo na kapag pakiramdam ko'y ayaw niya akong bitawan. It made me feel protected from all the pain and worry.
Nang matapos ako ay siyang paghiwalay niya sa akin. He said that he'll take a bath and change clothes while I prepared the table. Napailing na lang ako kasi dapat kanina niya pa iyon ginawa.
Ang drawing tube niya ay nasa mesa kaya itinabi ko muna iyon. I was done preparing and I can't help myself but look what's inside his drawing tube. Binuksan ko iyon at kinuha ang iilang papel.
My lips parted when I saw an architectural design of a building and then may floor plan ding kasama. May iilang parts ng building na naemphasize sa bawat papel kaya hindi ko maiwasang mamangha sa bawat linyang nandoon.
Back when I was in grade 12, I somehow learned how to draw. Nanunuod ako ng iilang tutorials kung paano kaya somehow, nakakagawa ako ng bahay na mukhang gawa naman ng tao. The tutorials also helped me draw in our Biology class because we had that portfolio where we had to draw the different systems in the body. Pero iyong nakikita ko ngayon kay Rhett, iyong skills ko sa pagd-drawing, wala pa nga yata sa kaniyang kalingkingan.
Nanulis ang labi ko. How is he this good? Alam ko naman kasing pangarap niyang maging arkitekto pero hindi ko naman inaasahan na ganito kadetalyado ang kaniyang ginagawa.
Narinig ko ang kaniyang mga yabag kaya napalingon ako. He was already in the dining and he was staring at me. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa hawak kong malawak na papel.
"Is this your proposed project?" I asked him.
"Yeah," lumapit siya at kinuha iyon sa aking kamay, "It's not done yet."
"It's good! I'm sure they'll love it!"
"You do?" sinipat niya ako habang inirorolyo ang papel. Tumango naman ako.
"Oo naman. I don't know much about architecture but the building's design is good."
He grinned and then hugged me sideways. "It's not that good enough. Kahit pinagpuyatan ko, hindi pa rin maganda."
"Well, you're just an intern! Gagaling ka pa!" I encouraged. Mahina siyang tumawa.
"Okay. Let's eat? Tell me about your day after."
Habang kumakain kami ay sinabi ko sa kaniya iyong nangyari ngayong araw. I told him about our commynity exposure at a certain barangay. We always do that in our Community and Public Health subject. We assessed the common community health problems and interview the residents about their experience in their community. We visit the schools, houses and specifically their health centers about how they manage the health of the residents.
"And then, we met this little girl. May bukol siya sa kaniyang likod and someone told us that her mother dropped her on the floor when she was a baby." malungkot kong kwento.
"And then? What happened to her now?"
"Pinapabayaan sila ng nanay nila sa labas because busy daw sa pag-t-trabaho. Nagpapataya siya sa lotto. May ale doon kanina, ang sabi niya wala naman daw kasing pakialam iyong nanay sa mga bata. But we tried to talk to the little girl. My classmates even gave her food to eat, as well as her brothers. She also had that genuine smile when I carried her. Wait, kinuhanan pala ako kanina ni Marriam ng picture!" sabi ko sa kaniya. Nasa tabi lang naman ang phone ko kaya agad kong nakuha. I swiped a little more until I found the photo of us.
Ang saya ko nga sa litrato eh. I really like kids, lalo na iyong mga batang naabandona. I always think that they deserve to be loved just like me. They deserved to be accepted in the society even though they are abandoned or they don't have an identity. May karapatan pa rin naman kasi silang mabuhay at matuto.
"You looked good with kids." komento niya at tumitig sa akin. Both my brows raised and then I smiled. Ganoon din naman ang tingin ko sa aking sarili nang makita ko ang litrato.
"I can't wait for you to carry our child," aniya. A dreamy look clouded his eyes as he smiled.
"Matagal pa iyon. Mag-do-doktor pa ako." biro ko sa kaniya.
"I know, hindi ba pwedeng advance?"
Umirap ako kahit namimigat na ang dibdib. "B-bawal pa. B-bakit gusto mo na ba talaga?"
Umiling siya. "I told you, you being my baby is enough for now. I want to spoil you first."
My heart thumped wilder especially with his expressive eyes. May bahid ng kasiyahan iyon at pagkasabik.
Ngumiti ako at nagbaba ng tingin. May nagbabadyang luha sa aking mga mata. Kung kailan maayos na kaming dalawa, saka naman ako sinalakay ulit ng isa pang problema. I don't think my suffering would end immediately. Parang pakiramdam ko ay marami pang dadating na unos sa aking buhay.
Kahit na may iilang magandang pangyayari na ang dumating sa buhay ko, parang unti-unti naman akong binabawian ng mga bagay na pinapangarap ko pa.
I wish I had the power to make every dreams come true. But I am no goddess or a saint, not even a fairy...so it's useless.