A/N: I tried fitting everything into this chapter but it didn't work, because I write too much. But hope you like this!
Angelica
Dear Cass,
It's been a while since I last sent you a letter. I'm sorry. How did the move in go? I hope you've settled in and are having a good time wherever you are. To be honest, you remind me of someone here. You remind me of a guy I know here, his name's Caspian. I don't actually know whether Cass is a nickname for you or if that's actually you're name. Like is your name Casper or Caspian or just Cass. Whatever it is, I guess I'll never get to know. I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm no longer gonna be writing letters to you. My life is destructive. Since I'm never gonna see you— ever, I hope you don't mind me exploding. The thing is... I feel deprived. I'm not sure of what, but I know I feel it— I know that's what I feel. Recently, I've been unable to control myself from doing... dangerous things. Today, I hurt myself to the point where I was losing consciousness. To the point where I thought that it was finally the end. There's been so many times where I have tried and failed miserably. I want to die but I'm not going to, because I can't. I would if I could because everything seems so unreal now. Everything is a game and I don't know the rules. My life has been a collection of memories that constantly follow me. I'm reminded of them every single day. Whether it's a tree or a swing or even just a sandwich. I haven't been able to talk about what happened since it happened. I go to therapy now, I'm trying to get help but I can't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to get better. I lost a close friend of mine a while back and ever since then I can't stop thinking about what I would've done if I had seen her one last time. What I could have done. I miss her. I miss her so fucking much that I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm going insane— I already am. I want to destroy myself for not being there for her when I could've. I want to feel the pain she felt. I want to punish myself for not being her shield when she needed me. I want to say sorry and run and cry and escape. But I can't do any of it because I'm weak. I didn't help her because I was weak... because I was embarrassed knowing what had happened and I wished I didn't know. No one deserves me as a friend, I don't deserve to be human. I killed her, I killed the only person that ever made me feel extremely happy. If I hadn't let her go that day, if I told her to stay over, if we didn't have that fight— none of this would've happened. I wouldn't have these stupid fucking nightmares every night, I wouldn't be disgusted with my memories, I wouldn't have to be alone. She went through hell and never came back. She got trapped, abused, taken advantage of, and acted like she was okay. She was not okay. It's all my fault for never asking when I saw a red mark on her neck, a hickey is never that big. I should've known that when she was throwing up in the girls washroom that it wasn't because she ate too much. I should've known she was starving herself, that she was working towards the end of her life. I should've known that she gave up on herself long ago. She went through so much, Caspian. I don't know what to do, I don't know whether to forgive myself or torture myself. Maybe I deserve torture and punishment. I deserve to be reminded of what happened to her because I wasn't there for her when she needed me. All the signs were there and I didn't see them; a blind person would've seen them. I destroyed her. I destroyed myself. I put a dent in our relationship and now she's gone. I wish I could hug her and care for her and love her. I lost my chance and nothing I do makes it better. Nothing I think of makes it any less fake. Every memory I have with her is a nightmare I can't wake up from. I'm a fucking monster and that's what I'm always going to be.
Thank you for being a little bit of happiness in my life... A little bit of that sunshine Cass.
-Angelica Myers
I was hyperventilating by the time I sealed off the envelope. It feels so nostalgic and I feel so terrible for writing all that done. I don't deserve the pity. She does... She always will.
"Are you not ready yet?"
Hira and Momo stand in my room.
"Where'd you guys come from?"
Momo plops herself onto the bed, "Your Mom let us in, she told us and I quote, make her look hot. So we're here to do just that."
I frown, "I am hot."
"Yes babe, you are. We're just gonna make you hotter. Which is why," Hira pulls in a whole suitcase, "I brought some of my clothes."
Eyes widening I say, "I have clothes too, you know?" She shakes her head, "Your clothes are gross, sorry not sorry."
"I'm already ready, though."
Both of them look at me in disappointment. This is what happens when you have two friends who are insanely obsessed with fashion. I bet they've been waiting for this day since we became friends.
Momo's eyes land on my hand, where the now properly bandaged wound was.
"What the hell happened? I thought it was a small cut."
Hira's eyes land on it too and it's filled with worry. Both of them move closer.
I shrink in my chair, "I hit my hand and something sharp went through it. So I had to go to the hospital to get it properly checked."
Lies, lies, lies.
I sound pretty believable though. I convince myself it too because Hira's worries vanish, "Ok good that you went to the hospital. It would've gotten worse if you didn't."
"Okay well, Hira you pick an outfit for her while I get changed," she takes out clothes from her bag and goes into my washroom. I don't think she believes me. Momo is the hardest person to convince. I don't blame her. She's caught more of my lies than I have myself. She caught this one too.
"Don't you have to get ready too?"
Hira raises her brows at me and unzips the hoodie, "This is called being ready." She was wearing a half sleeve cropped hem top, in the colour red and she paired it with mom jeans.
"Your parents have no idea you're wearing that do they?" I ask her.
She shakes her head, "Dad doesn't, Mom does. I mean it's not like it's revealing anything, the jeans are high waisted so it's fine."
I internally roll my eyes, Hira and her rebelliousness.
"Now for you," she opens up her suitcase and all of her clothes are neatly packed in it. Someone would think she's actually going on a vacation. She eyes my body and then her clothes, "You're a size smaller than me so this is gonna be a little hard."
"Oversized clothes are the best."
"Hey, I'm only one size bigger than you."
Both of us start laughing as she rummages through her clothes. The first piece of item she takes out is a waffle knit tee in the colour pink.
"I know you love your body a lot Hira, but I do not have the confidence to wear something like that."
"Why? It would look so good on you," she huffs and then mutters and agreement under her breath.
The second item she takes out is a green coloured cami top. I glare at her, "I'm not trying show everything to people."
"This doesn't show the good stuff, come on!"
I shake my head, "No. Something else... Pick something a little more— decent, please."
She rolls her eyes, "Girl, you need a little more confidence in you."
She rummages a little more and then she picks out a baby blue trim tiered dress. I stare at it in awe.
She watches me and smiles, "Wear this."
"I...I don't know."
"You used to wear dresses all the time. Shut up and wear it."
She shoves me in my closet along with the dress. I stare at the dress.
I haven't worn a dress in months and those months feel like years to me. I don't know if I'm gonna look good in one or if it's just gonna make me look like an idiot.
It's a really, really pretty dress.
I throw it on and imagine how I'm gonna feel when I look at myself in the mirror.
There really had to be no mirror in my walk in closet, what a shame.
I contemplate opening the door and showing Hira, or just hiding away in between all the clothes I have.
The latter seems like the better option to me.
I sigh, reaching for the door.
Before I can open it Hira opens it.
"I've heard you sigh like five times, just show me the fit—"
Her eyes widen and she screams, "Holy shit, you look fucking gorgeous in that. Oh my God," she stares at me in the dress, "Momo! Get in here, look at Angie!"
Momo walks out with her hair half curled.
"Can you stop screaming, you're gonna make my ears bleed—"
"Angelica Myers, is that you?!" Both of them start screaming and obsessing over the outfit. I cover my ears cause they're that loud.
"Wait till we do her makeup."
"She's gonna look so good. Everyone's gonna be staring at her."
The two of them converse in ideas for makeup and hair and I watch them. I haven't seen them this excited since... forever. Or that's what it feels like for me.
"Come on, we don't have that much time left."
Hira makes me sit on the bed as she lays out her makeup on my study table.
"What's this?" She picks up the envelope that had the letter inside.
"It's just a letter to my penpal."
She eyes it for a minute before putting it back.
"Let's get started."
•••
"Guys, I don't know about this."
Hira has her arm linked with mine and the heels these two made me wear are surprisingly very comfortable.
"Don't be nervous, it's just Adam and Cass. I'm sure you've already interacted with Cass, I'm assuming," Hira squeezes onto my arm.
"Cass?" Isn't his name Caspian, like the guy from Narnia?
Events from today pass through my head. Caspian and I in the nurses office. Caspian hugging me. Caspian looking at me.
Caspian, Caspian, Caspian.
"Cass," Momo looks at me and raises her brow, "AKA Caspian... Don't you remember us talking about it when we were looking at his portfolio?"
My penpals name is Cass, could it be... No, It can't. It's just a mere coincidence. There's a lot of people that have the name Cass or Caspian or even Casper.
Just a coincidence.
"You probably have cause of the Creative Writing assignment right?" Momo asks.
I totally forgot about that assignment.
I nod, "Are they here yet?"
"They said they were," Hira looks around the entrance of the carnival, "There they are."
They stood together right in front of the entrance, Caspian— Cass, wore a baby blue crew neck, the same colour of my dress, and had a collared shirt under it, I think. Both Momo and Hira giggled.
I glare at them.
Hira shrugs, "A mere coincidence?"
Momo smirks, "Or fate."
I glare at both of them harder.
Adam stood next to Caspian, wearing a hoodie and and sweatpants. He didn't look good, meaning he looked sick and tired.
Is he okay?
Both of them are talking to each other and it seems kind of serious, I know both of them are acquainted with each other but it didn't seem like they were close enough to talk about serious stuff.
"The queens have arrived," Hira exclaims and latches onto Adam, who's taken aback.
I visibly sense Momo stiffen up beside me.
I'll ask her about it later, when we're alone.
"Only of you is a queen," he smiles at me, "Angie, you look beautiful."
I return his smile. His gaze fixes onto Momo, who looks much prettier than me.
She's wearing an overall denim dress with a black turtleneck underneath. The dress part is a surprise to all of us cause Momo is the type of girl to stick to her sweats, she hates— no, despises dresses.
But today she insisted of dressing up.
Adam gulps and his eyes wander over her. Momo fiddles with her thumbs.
"Momo, you look good. Never pegged you for the dress kind of gal, it suits you."
Momo blushes. Adam probably noticed and brushed it off as her being cold.
But the way Hira was looking at her. The way I was looking at her. The way a smile was forming on her face.
There was something she wasn't telling us and I was gonna get it out of her.
I'm avoiding looking at Caspian even though his eyes are fixed on me. I can feel his gaze wandering over my body and even in the cold October breeze, I feel hot.
"It's good to see you again, Cass," Hira smiles at him knowingly.
"Always a pleasure seeing you, Hina?" He replies.
Momo busts out laughing, "I'm dying! Hina? That's so funny!"
Hira glares at Momo then at Caspian, "It's okay. I forgive you," she stays next to Adam, "For now."
Momo walks up to Caspian, "I'm Momo. I think we had a little interaction today too."
He furrows his brows. She continues, "At the lockers?"
"Oh! Yeah, you seemed really worried then."
Momo side eyes me, is there something I don't know?
"Sort of was but it's all good now."
Caspian then moves his body towards me, "Hi."
My heart flutters.
"Hi," I reply.
He extends his hand out for me, "I don't think we've formally been introduced to each other. I'm Cass."
Cass. Not Caspian, not Casper.
No, no. It's not him, don't panic.
He gives me an award worthy smile.
I slowly take his hand and our hands connect, igniting a spark between us. My body feels so alive. Everything about the touch of his palm, and the the little soft circles he's making with his thumb on my hand, makes everything more real. More noticeable, more fairytale like.
"I'm Angie," and for the first time, or at least I think it's the first time. I smile at him, genuinely.
Sure, we've had a weird first meet and an even odder connection and interaction with each other. But there's still a friendship in the making, I guess— I hope.
We stare at each other before someone clears their throat.
"How does it feel?" I'm snapped out of my thoughts when Adam stands in front of me, "How does what feel?"
"Being here months later?"
The last time I was here was with...
"It feels weird but I can get through it."
"Good, if you can't let me know."
"No, let us know. Adam's all talk and no action so don't trust him," Hira scoffs out.
"I know, let's go then?" I ask.
All of them nod their heads. Caspian stands on the right side of me and Adam on the left. Hira and Momo are whispering to each other about something, I feel left out.
"Is there anything you want to do first?"
Hira shoves Adam away from me so he's right next to Momo.
She links her arms with me again. "I don't know, don't they have new stuff now?" The halloween decorations are up and I think that's their theme for this fall.
They usually try not to make halloween the theme because the owner in charge of the carnival hates halloween.
I'm guessing that changed since his daughter turned four and instantly adored halloween, that's what I heard.
There were people everywhere, more people than I had ever seen in general.
So many tourists and so many familiar faces. We're all walking side by side. Adam, Hira, and Momo are talking about something but I'm not paying attention.
My heart is thriving from being here right now. There's this feeling of lightness and I want to scream at the top of my lungs, not from sadness but from extreme happiness. I want to go on a rollercoaster and feel a rush of adrenaline in my veins. I want to feel alive, again.
Caspian's hand brushes mine as we walk. He leans down a little, closer to my ear.
"How's your hand?"
I lick my lips, "It's uh... It's fine." I turn my head a little too fast and instantly regret it because now his face is just inches apart from mine and I can feel his minty breath fanning my face. Instinctively, I put a piece of my hair behind my ears.
His eyes darken as he watches me.
I turn my head away from him and open my small white handbag.
I take out the handkerchief, "Here," I hand it to him.
He then looks at my other hand, the properly bandaged one. "I had a feeling you weren't gonna go to the hospital after I said it." He takes the handkerchief from my hand and for some reason I miss the soft feeling of it.
"I washed it."
He raises his brows. I bite the inside of my cheek, "The handkerchief, I mean. I washed it."
He nods slowly, "Okay."
"He did not say that, I broke up with him!" Hira's loud voice makes a lot of people look in her direction. What were they talking about? I got so caught up in Caspian I forgot about everyone else. His presence was still felt even while I was paying attention to Hira.
I had noticed Adam pay attention to her more. I realized something in this moment. I might be totally off but there's no way I can be wrong. Not about this.
Watching the three of them. Momo, Adam, and Hira, made it so clear that they were in a love triangle. One of them was in unrequited love.
Holy shit. How have I never noticed this?
"Has Hira and her ex been together long?" Caspian whispers so only I can hear. I turn towards him again. The sight of this guy probably makes girls swoon left and right.
"Since July," I feel something like a mosquito buzzing around me. I should've worn insect repellent before coming.
"So why is she acting like it's the end of the world?"
My eyes widen and I put my hand over his mouth, "Are you crazy? Do you have a fucking death wish?" I look back to see if Hira or any of them heard what he said.
"If Hira heard you— no, if any of them heard you say that, you'd never be allowed to be near us again," he waits for me to continue. "Hira takes all her relationships seriously."
"Would it bother you if I wasn't allowed to hang out with you guys?" He asks.
"No, it doesn't."
Yes it does.
His face falls for a quick second. Does he want me to care? Guys are so weird, completely and utterly confusing and nonsense and beings I never want to communicate with ever.
But here you are, talking to one.
"First choice of ride is decided by Angie!" Adam exclaims, smiling widely at me.
I shake my head, "No, no. You guys can choose," I pull at my ear, "I don't really remember the names of the rides."
"Isn't a carnival supposed to be clowns and shit?"
We all stop walking and turn our attention towards Caspian.
"What?" He says, utterly confused.
"This is Shakespeares carnival. We don't do clowns," Hira says.
"After today, you'll never want to step foot in any other carnival," Hira latches onto Momo and they run to the first ride they see. Adam, Caspian, and I walk slowly after them.
I recognize this ride, it has multiple circle-y things that make you go upside down. Elise hated these rides.
"We should go on this one, imagine how much fun it's gonna be!" Elise grabs my hand and drags me to the line. I already know she's gonna hate it, she hates being upside down. She can't even stand hanging her head off the bed.
"El, you're not gonna like it. Trust me." She shrugs her shoulders, "If I don't like it then whatever, but it's new. We have to ride it." I didn't bother saying anything else cause she wouldn't listen. She never listened to me. She was a woman of her own mind. She made her own decisions.
I feel something rising in my throat.
"I'm gonna go find the bathroom."
"Ok, we'll be here," Adam says, warily.
"Let me come with you, I have to go too."
I don't wait to see if Caspian follows me as I run to the bathroom, sadly, before I could even reach it, I start throwing up near a bush.
He's quick to catch up to me and hold my hair back. "Shit, are you okay?"
I stop throwing up and glare at him.
"Right, sorry. Continue on," he's holding my hair back and looking away.
Right on cue, I start throwing up again. It feels disgusting, God, it is disgusting.
Why today out of all days?
When I finally think I'm done, I sit on the ground. My eyes are heavy and I feel light now.
He sits beside me, "You good?"
I take a deep breath, "Yeah, I think so."
"Do you have any sort of liquid with you?" I turn facing him.
He shakes his head, sighing. "I have money, though. Let me see if there's a stall around."
There is a stall around.
"I'll be back in a second, stay here." He leaves me sitting on the ground as he leaves, looking for a drink.
He comes back five minutes later and I'm still where he left me. "Here," he opens the cap of the water bottle and hands it to me, "This should help you feel better."
I gulp the whole bottle down, "Thank you."
"Did you eat something bad today or...?"
"I had bad lasagna, that's probably why it happened."
No, I had Mom's freshly made pita pizza's today.
"Maybe you should go home and rest," he's standing and I feel so little compared to him. Especially since I'm sitting, my neck cranes looking up at him. His probably does too, since he's looking down at me. "I'll let everyone else know."
I couldn't leave. If I leave then Momo will leave and then Hira will leave. I would ruin the night by this small incident.
"No. It's okay, I'm okay. I feel much better now." He doesn't believe me, I can tell by the way he's looking at me like he actually doesn't believe me. He's like Momo 2.0.
"I'll ride the small rides, if that makes you happy."
He smiles, "Yes that will," he takes the empty water bottle from my hands and screws the cap back on. He then offers me his hand, "Let's go."
I grab it and I don't let go even as we walk back to the ride.
•••
A/N:
Why are both of them so bipolar? Like do they like each other or are they harmlessly flirting? I don't even know at this point. Ok I do know but yeah whatever. There's probably so many mistakes in this chapter, sorry. I'll fix it later, hehe when I want to.
This was a fun chapter to write but now my brain is fried and I'm hungry.
Izza xx