A/N: This chapter contains suicidal thoughts and descriptions. Please do not read if it will disturb you in any way. There is a summary in the Author's note at the bottom.
I shouldn't be worried about Granger. She should mean nothing to me.
But I can't stop thinking about her.
No. I mustn't think like that. I am Draco Malfoy. I am a pureblood. That is all that matters.
But is it?
Does anything even matter?
After I leave Granger, I go back to the kitchen, with the intention to make her some food. I find myself drawn to one of the drawers, and I slowly walk closer to it, reaching for the handle. I open it, and stare at what's inside.
A knife.
Silver and polished, shining under the lights. It looks sort of... beautiful. Tempting. I think about what it would look like with my blood on it.
"What are you doing?"
I whip my head around, guilt written all over my face. Granger stands in the doorway, her arms crossed around her tiny frame.
"N-nothing," I stutter slightly, and hope she doesn't notice.
"I'm going to bed," she states.
"Ok," I say dismissively, too busy imagining the hot, red liquid staining the knife.
It's only 5 minutes later that I realise.
She didn't eat anything.
"Damn it," I whisper to myself, already moving towards the bedroom.
"Gra-" I start to call out, but stop when I see her.
Her tiny form is huddled under the sheets, curled in a fetal position. If I stay still, I can hear her breathing in time with the rise and fall of her body.
I find myself walking closer, marveling at her sleeping form.
No.
I should not find any beauty in a mudblood.
I should hate her.
I should be repulsed by her.
So why am I not?
Why do I find myself inexplicably drawn to her?
I watch her sleep for a while, but when she starts to stir, I slowly back out of the room, closing the door behind me.
Stupid me.
If she realises I was there, watching her, it will be bad. Very very bad. She can't find out that I think about her, that I want to look after her, that, for some reason, I find myself unable to stay away from her.
That I care about her.
I shouldn't.
There are so many things that I am, that I shouldn't be.
Cruel. Vile. Repulsive. Monstrous.
Alive.
Yes, that's it.
I
Deserve
To
Die.
I walk back into the kitchen, and see something glistening on the table.
The knife.
I pick it up.
I put it in my pocket, and walk out of the apartment.
I know where I'm going.
I look back a few times on the way, checking to see if anyone's following me. I have an uncanny feeling.
I am being watched.
Still, I carry on walking, determined to push on, although my hands are shaking violently.
I don't know why.
There is nothing left for me here.
I have destroyed everything good I ever had.
I have been selfish, malicious, dangerous.
Now it's time to give back.
Suddenly, my feet don't drag, and I walk faster, determined to do this.
I have to.
Just think, how much everyone would rejoice. How happy they'd be.
I want to cause happiness instead of pain.
I want to end pain.
Especially my own.
I climb the stairs of the Astronomy tower, faster, more urgently. The sooner I get there, the sooner it ends.
I reach the top.
I see the edge.
So close.
So very close.
I scream.
I take the knife out of my pocket.
I hold it to my throat.
I step towards the edge.
I look back, but no one is there.
I don't know why I expect someone to come and stop me.
I lift my right foot over the edge.
If anyone was coming, they'd be here by now.
Come on, just do it.
I press the knife harder, and a trickle of blood runs down my neck.
I smile.
I imagine it.
The blood.
Oozing out of me as I bleed out, the life draining from me.
Slowly.
As I die an agonising, painful death.
Or, I could move my left foot a single inch forward, and I could fly through the air, soaring like a bird.
When I hit the ground, I will die instantly.
I might scream as I fall.
I might be silent.
I might keep my eyes open.
I might close my eyes.
I might regret it.
I might not have time to think about it.
A tear slithers down my cheek.
Emotion is a sign of weakness.
But I don't know if I care anymore.
The blood is running down my chest now.
The hot, thick liquid burns me, yet feels comforting.
It hurts.
I push the knife in, harder.
I think of all the people I've hurt.
I think of the lives that have been lost.
I hear a muffled sob.
It isn't me.
"Draco," I hear behind me.
Granger.
She sounds so broken.
She'll feel better when I'm dead.
So why am I hesitating?
"Please," she whispers. "Don't."
"Why," I say harshly, not bothering to turn around. Then, I gain some courage.
"WILL ANYONE ACTUALLY NOTICE?" I scream into the night.
Granger sobs behind me.
"WILL ANYONE MISS ME?" I cry out, swaying slightly, seconds away from falling off.
I brace myself, ready.
"I will," she cries, whimpering at the blood that has reached the floor now.
My arm is aching, but I don't move the knife.
I watch the blood pool beneath me, trying to distract myself from the pain in my neck.
It takes a second to register her words.
"Draco, please," she begs me. "Stay with me."
I choke on a sob.
"I'll help you," she offers, and I hear her sink to the ground, weeping.
Breathing is becoming harder.
The door opens.
Soon, I will bleed out.
I hear gasps.
Soon, it will all stop.
Then, arms are around my waist, pulling me away from the edge.
Granger's face is the last thing I see before I pass out.
A/N: I know this chapter was a bit depressing, but I wanted to show what Draco is going through. I have no idea if I've done a good job with this chapter or not, so please let me know if it was accurate enough.
I am asking you for something. If you are struggling in any way, please get help. There will always be people that love you, no matter what. Asking for help does not make you weak or stupid. Please please please don't ever consider suicide as an option. No one deserves to die.
If you didn't want to read this chapter but you still want to continue reading this story, here is a little summary:
- Draco went back into the kitchen to get Hermione some food, but instead saw a knife.
- Hermione went upstairs to bed, and Draco realised that she hadn't eaten anything so went up to see her.
- She was asleep (well, that's what Draco thought) and so Draco went out of the room.
- Draco went to the Astronomy tower with the intention of killing himself, with either the knife, or by jumping off the edge.
- He screamed when he got there.
- Hermione found him there, on the edge, his throat already cut (not too much).
- The teachers heard his scream and pulled him away from the edge.
- Draco faints.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you decide to carry on with this story. I'm sort of second guessing writing this chapter now, so honest feedback is appreciated. I can take it down or re-write it less graphically if you'd prefer that.
Lots of love
Saf xx