14
After a brief discussion, Peter, Pepper, Tony, Natasha, and the eavesdroppers decided it would be best to tell the rest of the Avengers later, and with them all together. When the idea of telling everybody individually was suggested, Harley interjected with an, "Ain't nobody got time for that shit!" and the idea was shut down.
They choose to gather the Avengers for a family dinner and tell them then. Peter was the one who had to invite everyone; the dinner was to take place tomorrow night and even if they have plans nobody can say no to Peter.
Spidey
Hey guys!
Can you all come for dinner tomorrow at 8pm?
Mr Stark
7pm.
You are a growing Spiderling, you need your sleep.
Spidey
But...
I'm not...
...
Fine.
Tomorrow. 7pm. Dinner. Tower.
Got it?
Can you all make it?
Natalia
Of course, Pyotr!
Hawk
Yep, I'll drop by!
Mr Stark
Sure thing, Underoos
Scarlet
I'll be there, Ребенок Паук!
Silver
I can run over
Harley
I don't know...
I'm pretty busy really: speech for MIT, then there's that TED Talk, oh, and dinner with the president and the Queen of Corgis
Tiny
I'll bee there, and I'll bring Antony!
Dr Banner
Yeah.
Yeah, I can make it
Capsicle
Wouldn't miss it, kid
Frostbite
I'm sure Steve would drag me there even if I didn't want to go
Wizard
I can come, so long as Stark isn't Stark.
Pigeon
I'll go too.
MemeKween
It would be an honour to dine with you, My Lord
KittyCat
I will come to supervise Shuri...
Loki
I'm currently imprisoned.
Spidey
Loki what did you do?!
Mr Stark
Please don't be anything evil!
Loki
I stabbed Thor again.
He really had it coming.
Spidey
What did he do this time?
Loki
He told me about the jails for children you have on Earth.
Harley
That's not that bad!
Loki
He offered to send me to one.
Mr Stark
Oh yeah, you're like a teenager in human years, aren't you?
Loki
Indeed I am.
Capsicle
Oh I remember that!
Spidey
Remember what?
Natalia
Fury when he found out about it.
SHIELD has a policy against prosecuting minors so he couldn't do anything after New York
Hawk
His face was hilarious!
He was really freaking out!
MemeKween
So you could say that he was...
......
Furyous?
Loki
Definitely.
When I explained it to him, he jumped out of the window.
KittyCat
Fury yeeted himself out of a window?
Harley
Yes lads!
Mr Stark
Lads?
Spidey
It's BriTish, Mr Stark!
Harley
Exactly!
Mr Stark
But why?
Harley
Because banter!
So anyway...
Wanna go to the chippy la'er?
Spidey
I'll go with ya, mate!
Mr Stark
Chippy?
La'er?
Harley Keener explain yourself!
Harley
The Chippy! Where the Brits get their fish and chips with mushy peas or curry sauce!
Spidey
It looks amazing, Mr Stark!
Please can we go?
Mr Stark
Not tonight!
Spidey
Why not???
Mr Stark
BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING A BLOODY FAMILY DINNER!
Capsicle
Language in British.
Stark you traitor!
Mr Stark
What? No! I'm one of you! I swear! I've been set up! They infected me!
Hawk
To little too late, Stark!
For shame!
MemeKween
Take him away boys!
Mr Stark
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Time Yeet to tomorrow evening!
(ノ｀Д')ノ彡┻━┻
Too say Peter was nervous was an understatement. Like the biggest understatement since "Houston, we've had a problem here"!
He was presently mindlessly munching away on the pelmeni Nat made (she was the only one completely trusted in the kitchen, so she cooked).
Much too soon, everybody finished their food. Harley, knowing Peter creepily well, stood up and did the tapping thing with the glass cup to make the ding noise to get everyone to shut up and listen.
Harley waited for absolute silence, then spoke in a perfect British accent, "Good evening ladies and peasantmen, terribly sorry to interrupt all the bants but you have all be gathered here tonight for a reason! Spiderboy, over to you!"
"W-well yeah..." Spidey tried.
Unfortunately, Peter didn't get any further in before Harley interjected, "I beg your pardon! What are you doing, mate? Don't leave your British bro hanging!"
Taking a deep breath, Peter Britished, "Of course, quite sorry Harley! Thank you all so terribly much for coming! I'm sure you all must be wondering what I have to say and I shall try to come right out and say it..."
Peter pauses for a second to take a sip from the cup of tea Harley just handed him, then continues with the British accent for two words before converting back to Queens, "In short, my mum and dad weren't my real mum and dad but my mum and dad are really alive and basically Tony and Natasha are my real mum and dad meaning Richard and Mary weren't my real mum and dad because Tony and Natasha are my real mum and dad so Richard and Mary weren't my real mum and dad-"
Peter was cut of by Harley, who had also returned to his natural LittleShitwithahintofTennessee accent, "Woah, easy there Petey Pie! You're caught in a loop!"
Slowly, Steve raised his hand.
Harley rolled his eyes at it, but nonetheless asked, "What's up, Cap-nap?" causing Tony to snort into his water.
Ignoring the Nicholasname, Cap asked, "I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say, "WHAT"?!"
"How could you possibly not understand Petey's rambling?" Harley sighed in disbelief, "Basically though, Tin Can Ass Man, and Naughty little Natty boinked."
The Avengers all displayed various shocked and confused expressions. "I still don't understand..." Stevie mumbled hesitantly.
Harley sighed and looked almost... disappointed. Rather than explain the whole thing again, he decided it would be better to do a demonstration on what happened; hopefully that way the Old Man would learn what goes into making a Peter.
The Harlster marched over to Shuri and pulled her out of her seat. "Since the Captain still doesn't understand the creation of Peter, we will demonstrate how to make one!" he announced.
Tony choked on his water and spluttered, "You'll what?!"
Shuri and Harley left the room for a couple of minutes and planned their attack. They stopped by the kitchen to grab the longest banana they could find and a papayas, which they cut in half. Then Harley went up to Tony's room and got one of the Captain America condoms he had given to Tony as a Christmas present.
Before the two teens rejoined the room, they got FRIDAY to dim the lights and play some romantic music.
All adults were terrified of what was about to take place and braced themselves for permanent scarring.
However none of them were expecting a soap opera with Natalie the papaya and Anthony the banana, in which they meet, go to a bar, go back to Anthony the banana's house and throw away the Captain America condom rather than use it (by which point the music had changed to the Star Spangled Man with a Plan).
By the end the Avengers are all blushing profusely, Steve most of all. "Does that clear things up for you, Star Spangled Man with a Plan? Harley asked innocently.
"Uh..." Steve said, still in shock.
Shuri smirked and mock-sighed, "Guess he's still confused. Play the video to help him!"
The two teens bowed out of the way to reveal an old-ish, chunky TV. To Capsicle's absolute horror, it started playing the PSA he did on the birds and the bees.
By the end, Bucky and Tony were in fits of uncontrollable laughter, whereas poor Stevie was red as a the stripes on his original costume.
"Do you get it now?" Peter asked sweetly. Steve only nodded in fear.
Bruce looked slightly baffled, "I thought everyone already knew that Tony is Peter's father. Natasha was a surprise, but Tony was common knowledge."
Tony's jaw had officially been dropped, "Oh come on guys! You didn't all seriously think Peter was my kid before we tested it, did you?"
A chorus of "Well..."s followed. "Unbelievable!" Stark shouted, "Ok, raise your hand if you thought Peter was my kid!"
To Tony's great annoyance, everybody raised their hand.
"Rhodey!" Tony exclaimed at the sight of his best friend's hand in the air.
Rhodey tried to explain, "I thought it was a secret, like on the down low! I wasn't part of your group chat thing, I just saw you working and hanging with a teenage boy who looks just like you did!"
Accepting that reasoning, Tony moved on and looked over all the raised hands, "Peter, put your hand down!"
"Sorry, Dad," Peter said, his head bowed in shame, but his hand still flying high.