Chapter XXI ─ Overdue
[ B R Y A N C L A Y ]
Michael had been gone for around ten minutes before I heard the front door creak open. I felt terrible about having to shift this huge burden onto Michael's shoulders, it wasn't fair for him and I fucking hated myself for being so powerless.
Janice must have come back home from the grocery store and I was debating on checking on her. It had been years since I properly talked to her, back when Griff and I were younger, she was more of a mother to me than my biological mom was, it was depressing.
I let out a deep sigh and fell back on Michael's bed, giving everything that unfolded another thought. I couldn't help but get trapped in my head whenever a minor inconvenience happened. I knew that the day was far from over and there was more havoc to wreak, Michael and I needed to talk, we desperately needed to talk and address everything. While I knew it was necessary, I dreaded it more than anything.
It felt like I was running around in circles, circulating the same bullshit I had long cemented in my mind. What was Michael trying to achieve from this situation? He said we'd fight our battles together from this point onwards, but at what cost? I didn't want to be anybody's charity case. I also couldn't pretend that I forgot about that kiss last weekend. It messed with my head too much, slap Jenna's eternal bullshit on top of it all, and soon we're going to be witnesses to a manic episode.
I sat up on the bed and ran a hand through my hair. I didn't know how much more of this I could take before I broke.
It didn't take me long to stand up and take steps into the living room, full of hesitation and doubt. I didn't know whether it was right to seek comfort from Michael's mom, especially before all that bad blood had been cleared up between the two of us.
I bit my lip and walked into the living area, I saw Janice unpacking her reusable grocery bag on the counter, pulling out various household necessities. She seemed to be oblivious to my presence for a little while until she turned and jumped a little when she met my gaze. "Bryan! You scared me! You've gotten so big over the years." She clutched her chest with her hand and smiled. I couldn't help but suppress a chuckle. "Where is Michael?"
"He went out to grab my pills for me, forgot them on the way out and I didn't want to see my sister again." I flushed out of embarrassment. Janice wasn't in the loop yet, but it was inevitable before she found out everything that happened.
She shook her head, trying to piece her thoughts together. "Pills? Sister? Bryan, what's going on, honey? Come, let's go sit down and talk, we missed you so much." Her eyes were full of genuine sympathy for me. A kind of motherly love and care, that I never truly found in my life, was on display.
I nodded at her meekly, looking down at the floorboards, if Janice would eventually find out what happened sooner or later, it might as well have been from me. I watched her set her groceries aside for the movement and was soon ushered onto the cough in the living room.
I met her expectant look when I sat down and sighed, not knowing where to start. There was so much to cover in such little time. Janice broke the silence between us. "Talk to me, honey, what happened today?"
"Michael walked in on my sister and me having a pretty one-sided argument. For everything to make sense, I have to talk about why I distanced myself in the first place." I paused, briefly clearing my throat. Janice nodded, ushering me to continue. "I left you guys because my sister found out I was gay and used it against me. I, uh, I guess it was my fault really, I told her that I liked Griff as more than just a friend and she lost it. She told our parents, she tried to turn Michael against me and told me that if I didn't stop hanging around with him, he would find out what kind of a disgusting creature I was." I bit my tongue, I couldn't meet Janice's puzzled gaze analyzing me.
"Oh, honey..." Janice trailed off, pity evident in her voice. "Never would I have thought that Jenna was that vicious, she seemed like a nice girl at the time. It wasn't your fault, Bryan, you wanted to share something very personal with your family and ended up getting backhanded by their bigotry, don't you dare blame yourself for anything. You're not disgusting, she is. What about your parents? What did they have to say about everything?"
"My parents were never really around much, it was mostly Jenna and I growing up, they had frequent business trips, but after Jenna spilled the beans their business trips got longer and longer, no more texts were asking if I was okay, I barely saw them since. I don't even know where they are now." I looked down, my parents were a touchy subject, they were absent for the majority of my life, I was left to fend off the world on my own. "The only contribution they had in my life was that I find a generous sum of money in my bank account every month, a part of me hopes that they still care about me after everything, but I know that their ideals clash with my 'lifestyle' because they were very vocal about it growing up. Jenna was the only family that hung around me like a leech, trying to bleed me dry."
"Bastards. Did you try to reach out to them?"
I nodded. "Of course I did, I left messages for my mom, hoping she would respond, but my attempts were fruitless. Eventually, I just gave up and moved on, because they seemed to have given up on me."
Janice clenched her fists, her breathing ragged and nostrils flaring. "Hope they rot in their hell for what they did to you. A parent shouldn't just leave their children stranded like this, why would they enable this... God, they don't deserve you. For what it counts, Bryan, you're always going to be a part of this family, even if it's just Michael and me." Tears welled up in her eyes and I bit my lip. "I don't blame you for leaving either, I was confused when you started neglecting my boy, but I wasn't going to push anything especially when your parents wouldn't respond to me. You were scared and rightfully so, I just wish that you knew I raised Michael better than to abandon you because you liked him, you were his world, still are, and I know he's fighting hard to make sure you stay a part of his world." She edged closer to me and rubbed my shoulder in a comforting matter, I hung my head down in shame, unable to craft an intelligible response. "You said Michael went out to grab your pills? What are they for?"
"They're fluoxetine pills," I responded vaguely and saw her nod.
"Emotional disorders, right? Please tell me you were diagnosed before you started using them." Janice pleaded, she was a nurse, she connected dots pretty quickly.
I nodded. "Yeah, I was diagnosed with IED or intermittent explosive disorder in my early teens, after I broke down and lashed out in school." My throat felt tight and constricted, it was hard to swallow. "I just get so inexplicably angry at times, depending on the trigger. I'm so messed up."
"Hey, don't say that about yourself, honey. You're not messed up, you had it tough growing up and you can't be blamed for that, none of this is your fault and I know that things will get better from this point and onwards." She pulled me in for a hug that I was too weak to reject. "Just please promise me that you won't leave Michael again, he needs you more than he would want to admit out loud and someone has to say it."
A breath hitched in my throat and I wasn't sure how to respond. I knew that I couldn't make any promises because I didn't know what life had in store for me in the coming years, we were seniors already, after graduation we'd go our separate ways and never see each other again. But is that the way I wanted things to play out? Janice read the shift in my demeanor like a book and nodded. "I know what you're thinking about, I just mean, don't lose touch with him. I'm not sure if either of you could handle parting ways again."
I nodded. That was something I could agree on, I was growing more and more attached to Michael despite how shit that made me feel, and it would have been hard to suffer separation again.
As if on cue, the front door busted open and revealed Griff, his face was expressionless until he saw Janice and me on the couch, worry soon shrouded his face. "Hey, what's going on here? Mom, please tell me you're not going hard on him." He whined.
"No, it's okay, we were just talking, she deserved to know everything," I answered in place of Janice because it was true. Clarity was way overdue.
Michael nodded and slung my backpack off of his shoulder. "Sorry for taking so long, I thought I'd grab your school bag and some extra clothes with your pills, we can share my clothes if it comes down to that." He scratched the back of his neck and guilt plagued my body once again.
"Thank you, Michael," I responded softly, not bothering to hide my undying affection for him and his actions. I didn't even bother to think about clothing and my school supplies throughout all of this mess, that showed how shrouded my mind truly was.
"Listen, boys, I'm going to have to go to the hospital soon, my shift starts at seven, Michael, could you be a dear and sort the groceries out for me? I should hit the shower before work. Bryan, please make yourself at home, you're family after all." Janice requested Michael and stood up with a soft smile, she tousled my hair a little before wandering off towards her bedroom.
Griff and I both watched Janice leave the living room and soon we were surrounded by silence again. It was Michael who turned to me first, walking towards me.
He smiled at me softly and ruffled my hair just like his mother did a moment ago as if to reassure me that things would be okay. A wordless gesture that I would cherish for eternity.