Kabanata 31
If I Have Nothing
"Masakit pa ba?" I asked Rhett when I noticed that he still had the micropore tape on the middle of his arm.
Sinulyapan niya ang tinutukoy ko. His lips protruded a bit before glancing at me. "No, I just forgot to remove it."
"Eh sina Eion? Namaga ba iyong kanila? They should let the doctor check if it's bruising or at least, a nurse."
"They're fine. Are you going to cook dinner?"
Tumango ako. "Ikaw ba, wala kang pupuntahan mamaya?"
"Wala. We're done with our practice for this week because it's exam week the next."
Mas nauna pala ang exam namin sa kanila. Before the bloodletting activity, we already had our exams. Sinakto nilang tapos na ang exam para wala kaming masyadong pagkaabalahan.
Pagkauwi namin sa condo, nag half bath ako bago pumunta sa kusina para magluto. Siya naman ay nakita kong nasa office at nasa drawing table. Maybe he was doing his plates.
I planned on making beef stroganoff. Kanina ay bumili ako ng cake para sa dessert namin. I wanted to thank him for volunteering, isinama pa niya iyong mga kaibigan niya kaya hindi na ako mahihirapan next sem. Nafill-up na yung donor records ko kaya relax na lang ako.
I heard his footsteps around the dining area. Kasalukuyang dine-drain ko iyong pasta habang hinihintay na kumulo ang aking niluluto.
Kumuha siya ng tubig sa fridge pagkatapos ay lumapit sa akin. He watched what I cooked and then he glanced at me. Tipid na ngumiti lang ako bago nagbaba ng tingin.
"I am making a Stroganoff for you."
"For me?" mukhang nagulat siya doon. He leaned on the sink and held the glass of water.
Tumango ako at iniwanan muna ang nadrain ng pasta. I turned off the stove and got two plates for the both of us.
"Do you want wine?" aniya.
Napatingin ako sa kaniya. Nakatayo na siya ngayon ay may tinitingnan sa pang-ibabaw na cabinet. He got something from it. Nang matingnan ko ay isang bote iyon ng wine.
"Mayroon tayo diyan?"
"No, I just bought it last week."
"Hindi ako umiinom." I reminded him and went back to the pan. Nakapaglagay na ako ng pasta sa dalawang pinggan.
"It's a kind of juice, somehow tastes like wine. Hindi ka malalasing dito."
"May alcohol content pa rin. Bawal ka pang uminom."
He just sighed and put it back in the cabinet. "We'll have juice then?"
"Pwedeng tubig na lang," I said as I put an equal amount of Stroganoff on each plates.
He groaned, not satisfied with my answer. Bumalik siya sa ref at kinuha iyong malaking karton ng juice. Ako naman ay pumunta sa mesa namin. Naglagay ako ng isang pinggan sa pwesto niya at isang pinggan din sa akin.
He scowled visibly when he noticed again our distance. Inilagay niya ang karton ng juice. Bumalik siya sa sink at kumuha ng baso. Inilapag niya iyon sa mesa. Nagsalin ngunit hindi naman ibinigay sa aking banda iyong baso.
Pinagtaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Iyo lang 'yan lahat?"
"No," he shook his head and glanced at our distance. Iniusog niya ang isa pang katabing upuan. "Gusto kong magtabi tayo."
My bros furrowed. "And why is that?"
"You should be nice to me. I volunteered and freely gave my blood. I even skipped my class."
"Sino ba kasing nagsabi na magvolunteer ka?" pagalit na sabi ko at padabog na umupo. I angrily stared at that glass of juice.
"Please? Can you sit beside me?" His voice was a bit weak that I had to look at his face. Medyo may kunot ang kaniyang noo pero agad ding nawala.
He said please and even when I wouldn't admit it, if it wasn't for him, I won't even have a donor. Mahirap makahanap ng donor lalo na kapag wala pang suhol. I heard some of my classmates were charged with a bigger price. Ayaw ko namang gumastos para lang pilitin ang isang tao. If they want to donate, they will donate. Importante ang dugo at kahit na sabihing libreng ibigay, may halaga pa rin iyon.
I sighed, defeated. Kinuha ko ang aking plato at tumayo. His face enlightened a bit when I sat on the chair next to his side. Hindi ko na siya tiningnan pa at nagsimula akong kumain.
I don't want him to think that I am warming up to him again. Hindi na niya ako madadala doon. I just want us to be civil.
Ganoon na palagi ang eksena namin. Sometimes, I think that our set up was tiring. Kahit siguro ang nanunuod na lang sa amin ay mapapagod kakaintindi ng sitwasyon. He was surely trying to get my attention again and I get that he was trying too hard.
Hindi bagay kay Rhett ang maging mabait. I grew up around him. Naramdaman ko na ang kalamigan niya bata pa lang ako kaya ang unti-unting pagbabago niya at pagkatunaw ng yelo ay hindi ko talaga mapaniwalaan.
"Are you busy tomorrow night?" aniya nang mahiga siya sa couch na kaniyang tinutulugan. I was busy highlighting some words on my notes. Nagkalat ang iilang bond paper sa aking kama kaya magulo tingnan.
"It's Saturday. It's my rest day. Bakit?" I continued highlighting the words.
"Do you want to watch us perform?" maingat niyang tanong. Napadiin ang pagdaan ng highlighter sa papel kaya medyo nabasa iyon.
I glanced at him. Nakatingin na siya sa akin at mukhang hinihintay ang aking sagot.
"Gabi?"
"Yeah," he drawled lazily, "It's in Dionysus."
"You still play at that bar?" I asked because I remember that's where they used to play last year. Baka kasi ay lumipat na sila kaya nakakagulat na nandoon pa rin.
"Hmm, do you want to come?"
I don't know why he's asking me right now. But maybe he realized, I was allowed now to watch them because I am of legal age?
"Okay," wala sa sarili kong sabi. Nagulat ako sa sarili ko.
Why did I even agree to come now?!
Napalingon ako kay Rhett. His back was on the arm rest. Nakahalukipkip at nasa akin pa rin ang tingin. Kumunot ang aking noo at iniwanan siya nang masamang tingin.
Tumunog ang aking cellphone. It was my alarm indicating that I had to end my study now. Agad kong pinatay iyon at iniligpit na ang aking mga gamit. I put all my print outs in a folder and placed it on top of the side table. Ang aking bag ay inilagay ko na lamang sa sahig para madaling makuha kinabukasan.
Nasulyapan kong tumayo si Rhett at pinatay na ang ilaw sa aming kwarto. I turned on the lamp on my side. Humiga na ako.
"Good night," I said out of nowhere.
"Good night, flower."
Nang mag-umagahan ay umalis siya sa condo kaya ako lang ang naiwan. I don't have a Saturday class because all my subjects were fitted in a five day schedule. Kung magkakaroon man ng Saturday class, dahil lang iyon sa gustong i-take up ng mga Prof namin ang na-miss na lesson.
I asked Marriam about Dionysus. I told her that I was going because Rhett invited me. Hindi ko naman kailangang magsinungaling sa bagay na iyon dahil wala naman akong rason para pumunta sa bar.
"Order a light drink! Kapag first time mo huwag ka uminom kaagad ng medyo malakas na inumin."
"Hindi naman ako iinom." I said as I searched for something to wear tonight. Wala na kasi akong magawa kaya ito na lang ang pagkakaabalahan ko.
"Kasama mo nga pala si Iceboy kaya malamang bawal." I can imagine her goofy face now. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa rin ako tinitigilan kay Rhett, lalo na at siya pa ang naging donor ko noong bloodletting.
"If you want to wear revealing clothes, go on but try to look out for assholes in the bar. Assholes will pry on you even if you wear the most decent clothes. Maganda ka pa naman. Basta dapat malapit ka lang kay Iceboy."
"Magp-perform sila. Alangang tumabi ako habang kumakanta siya?"
"Common sense, Syden Amaryllis! My god, stress ako sa'yo."
I chuckled and picked another dress. Velvet red fitted dress at manipis lang ang strap. Medyo laylay ang sa front kasi disenyo naman. Itinapat ko iyon sa aking katawan habang kaharap ang salamin.
I noticed that I became thick even more. Medyo malaman na nga ang aking mga braso. Kahit iyong pisngi ko medyo lumobo na. I think I wasn't that attractive anymore. Nag-stretch na iyong balat ko kaya medyo naglight na iyong kulay niya.
"Don't forget to enjoy!" paalala ni Marriam bago niya ako binabaan ng tawag. I wanted to invite her but she had other family matters to attend to. Kung kailan naman naimbitahan akong mag-bar ay siya namang wala ito. Kung si Juni ang isasama ko ay baka napagalitan na iyon ni Sister. At hindi talaga masyadong palalabas si Juni kahit na dito na nag-aaral. She wasn't easy to he influenced.
Bumalik si Rhett sa condo bandang alas sais na. Nasa sala ako at nanunuod ng tv dahil ayaw kong nasa kwarto. Tinanong niya ako kung nakapaghapunan na ba ako. I told him that I cooked dinner and he should feel free to eat because I already did.
Kaya habang nakain siya sa dining ay nanunuod naman ako ng tv.
"Anong oras tayo aalis?" I asked when he approached the couch.
"Nine o'clock."
Hmm, I could take a nap? Siguradong magtatagal kami doon. Kasi minsan kapag may gig siya, umuuwi siya nang madaling araw na o minsan kalagitnaan din ng gabi.
Iniwan ko siya doon sa couch at hinayaang kainin ang chips na kinakain ko. Humiga ako sa kwarto at nagpaalarm na lang para magkaroon ako ng time para magbihis mamaya dahil kaliligo ko lang naman.
Nagising lang ako nang may tumatapik na sa aking pisngi. With blurry eyes, I managed to make out Rhett's image. Nakasuot na siya ng itim na t-shirt at pants. Ang dog tag ay nakapulupot na naman sa kaniyang leeg.
Dahan-dahan akong umupo sa kama. "Did my alarm go off?" I huskily asked.
"Yeah, come on."
Tumango-tango ako at umalis sa kama. I got my dress that I separated from the rest of my clothes. Naghilamos ako at nagsepilyo bago nagpalit ng damit. I styled my hair into a bun, leaving a few strands to frame my face. Naglagay ako ng kaunting make up at burgundy shade na lipstick.
Dala ang maliit na clutch ay lumabas ako sa kwarto. Rhett was already wearing a black leather jacket. Ang buhok ay medyo magulo. His grayish silver eyes bore into my approaching figure when I emerged from the hallway.
Kumunot ang noo niya pagkatapos ay kumuyom ang panga. Hinawakan ko naman ang aking batok dahil pakiramdam ko'y nagsitaasan ang aking mga munting balahibo doon.
We silently went out of the unit. Pinapauna niya akong maglakad habang nasa likuran ko siya. He also opened the car door for me when we were already in the parking.
"When we're already at the bar, can you let your hair down?" aniya nang makapasok at ni-on ang engine ng kaniyang sasakyan.
Lumalim ang gitla sa aking noo. "Bakit? Is there something wrong with my back or neck?"
"No," he sighed, "It's distracting. I don't want other men eyeing you like a piece of meat."
"What is wrong with that?"
"Flower, the bar isn't the safest place and we both know that. There are assholes out there and even if you don't give a fuck about them, they'll give a fuck about you. You don't know what's going inside their minds."
"How about you?"
"What about me?" sinulyapan niya ako.
"What do you think of me in this?" naiilang kong tanong. Umayos ako ng upo dahil biglang tumigil ang kotse sa gilid ng daan. Napatingin ako sa kaniya.
His other hand was on the steering wheel. Ang isa ay nasa gear stick pero inalis niya agad iyon dahil masyadong malapit sa aking hita. I didn't realize that I was too far from the door. Umisod agad ako palayo sa kaniya at nagsumiksik doon.
"You look beautiful," he said as his eyes pierced my figure. Uminit ang aking pisngi sa kaniyang sinabi at iniwas ang tingin sa kaniya.
"You've always been beautiful and it's distracting. Parang ayaw ko ng umalis."
"I-it's your gig. B-bawal ipagpaliban iyon!" utas kong nauutal na. I suddenly got so flustered with that compliment. Eh noong nakaraan lang ay sinabi kong hindi ako magpapadala sa kaniyang mga salita. Ano 'yun, ha, Syden?!
"Kaya kong ipagpaliban iyon para sa'yo. If it means I get to keep you away from the prying eyes of assholes "
"We've already left, Rhett. At ano bang sinasabi mo? I don't look so attractive now. Walang lilingon sa akin."
"Meron," he paused and chuckled, "Ako."
Tumirik paibabaw ang aking mga mata. It's just words, Syden. Huwag kang maniniwala. It's probably a change of tactic now.
"Hindi pa ba tayo aalis? It's almost nine-thirty," nagreklamo na lang ako kaysa mag-entertain sa bulok niyang taktika. Hindi naman kasi bagay sa kaniya ang ganoong pambobola. He's always cold and he talk less. Kaya masasabi kong ginaya-gaya niya lang naman ang mga pinagsasasabi niya ngayon.
He chuckled again then he started the engine. Hindi agad niya pinaalks ang sasakyan kaya nagsalubong na ang kilay ko.
"Can you just please let your hair down?" I heard him say.
I sighed heavily. Iniwanan ko muna siya nang masamang tingin bago ko inalis sa pagkakatali ang aking buhok. My hair cascaded over my shoulders. Medyo naging wavy ang dulo. Nilagay ko naman sa palapulsuhan ko ang pantali bago ibinaba ang salamin para tingnan ang sarili. I arranged my hair before looking at him.
I gave him an are-you-satisfied look. Umayos naman siya ng upo. He had a smug look plastered on his face, "Better."