Kabanata 32
It was as if time stopped but it wasn't the truth. Hindi dapat umiikot ang mundo mo sa isang tao. Hindi titigil ang ikot ng mundo para sa'yo.
You really just have to move with the flow of your life.
It sounded so easy but change is never easy — because if it was then why do some people refuse to change? Why do people still cling to their past just to avoid the inevitable change because the present is preparing for the future? Mahirap iwanan ang nakaraan at nakasanayan.
I looked at the red tea that I was drinking. Unlike last year, this tea was more flavorful. Mas magarbo rin ang ilan sa mga decorations na ginawa nila para sa taon na ito. I roamed around my eyes and saw that everyone prepared well for this event.
Nagtatawanan kaming mga ABM 1 students sa classroom nang makita ang mga costume namin. It was the traditional halloween party for University of Jeanne D'Arc bago mag-undas break.
I was wearing a tigress clothing which consists of a body hugging top and buttom. My hair was curled and I have stripes on my cheeks. I was also wearing make up that makes me look a bit more fiercer.
This was a huge contrast to my previous costume last year. Ang mga costume kasi namin ay naging bunutan para raw mas may thrill. I knew better, they just wanted to manipulate Gio's costume since last year he didn't attend the annual halloween event. Ngayon ay gusto nila itong pagtulungan sa magiging costume niya.
"Saan ka na, Pennywise? Kailangan ko pa bang hintayin umulan at pumunta sa sewers?" Halakhak ni Gio, who was sporting a very familiar yellow raincoat. He was also holding a red balloon.
Georgie from Pennywise. Of course, people would like to see him wear that. I laughed and teased Gio. Namataan ko naman ang mga kaibigan ko na papalapit sa direksyon namin.
"Pechay? Really?" I nudged at Melay who was wearing a pechay costume.
"Yes! Ang saya saya maging pechay!" hagikgik niya. Lokaret talaga kahit kailan.
Hindi na ako magtataka kung bago kami maka-graduate sa school na ito ay susubukan niyang magsuot ng buong bahay kubo. She was really just enthusiastic when it comes to vegetables.
Lumabas kami ng classroom at bumaba para kumuha ng mga beverages, since the red tea was really good. Lumapit sa akin si Melay at may binulong sa tenga ko.
"Pagkatapos daw nito may party sa club nila Daphne."
My forehead creased. Daphne? I don't remember any person. Agad akong lumingon kay Melay para tanungin siya tungkol dito.
"Invited tayo?"
She slowly nodded her head.
"Lahat ng seniors or grade 12 may access. Apparently, it's also a tradition that only grade 12 students know."
Kaya pala last year ay halos mga grade 11 lang ang mga nakakahalubilo ko noong halloween party. There was another party for grade 12 students. Probably a more wild one than the event done in school.
Tumango na lamang ako at hinintay na lumipas ang oras. Nagtagal kami sa school hanggang 7pm lang dahil pumunta kami sa club na kung tawagin ay Les Gens para tingnan kung ano ang ganap dito. It was a half hour ride away from school, nakarating kami roon at nadatnan na medyo marami na ang estudyante galing sa UJD. It seems like the club was feasted by grade twelve students, most of them enjoying their legality.
My eyes roamed around the area. It was a simple hang out place. Hindi talaga siyang club. I feel like it is really made for our age. Pero parang hindi rin dahil sa mga alak na nakikita ko kahit nasa labas pa ako.
A lot of LED light signs with different statements welcomed us. Nakapalibot ito sa bawat pader na makikita ko. Maraming nagpapa-picture rito, it was indeed good for instagram.
When we entered inside, the nightclub was spacious and very neat. May open dancefloor sa gitna habang may DJ sa pangalawang palapag kung nasaan ang terrace. It offered a good ambiance.
"Bigla akong nahiya sa costume ko," umawang ang bibig ni Melay nang makita ang mga costume ng nasa dancefloor.
All of them were definitely looking for hook ups. The costumes they had were all very revealing. Meron ngang lalaking naka-hubad at tanging maong pants lang ang suot, obviously to flaunt his body.
"Pechay ka pa, girl?" pangaasar ko kay Melay.
Pumunta kami malapit sa may bartender. I saw Arrisea and she was wearing a staff uniform, she immediately beam when she saw us.
"Zafirah!" she called us. So, she's working here?
"Hi, Arrisea. Kamusta?" I smiled at her. Matagal na kaming di nagkikita, since she and Adren are not speaking with each other anymore.
She smirked. "Maganda pa rin. Ikaw?"
"Okay lang," I laughed at her confidence. I miss talking to her because she's so carefree.
"Caitlyn!" may yumakap sa likod ko. When I turned around to see who it was — I don't know who she is!
My eyes went wide in bewilderment. Hindi ko alam kung prank lang ba ito o ano dahil ang higpit ng pagkakayakap niya sa akin.
"Cait, nagpalit ka ng costume? Hinahanap ka ni Zy..." the girl was mumbling.
"Sorry?" I asked for pardon since I don't know what she was talking about.
Umiling-iling si Arri. "She's not Caitlyn."
"Huh?" mukhang naguluhan 'yung babae at sinilip pa muli ang mukha ko.
"Oh my! Sorry, akala ko si Cait..." she looks shocked upon seeing me.
I smiled and shook my head.
"Sorry, I don't know any Cait..."
I didn't really participate much when it comes to this year's extracurricular activities and my attention span is very limited. Wala akong matandaan na Cait.
"You look like..." she trailed off. Namumula na siya at halatang lasing na. She dismissed us and walk to another direction.
Bumuntong hininga si Arrisea at may inabot sa akin na mango shake. She was preparing it while the girl was here. I immediately thank her and took a quick sip on the shake.
"You're a bartender?" I curiously asked. Agad naman umiling si Arrisea.
"No, I just do drinks for fun. Wala pa kasi ang bartender para sa shift na ito. Pero may isa pa namang bartender sa second floor kung gusto niyo talaga ng alak," she dismissively said while wiping the drinking glass on her hand.
Napalingon ako sa babaing yumakap sa akin kanina. She was clearly looking for someone in the crowd. Binalik ko ang atensyon ko kay Arrisea nang tuluyan na nawala ang babae sa paningin ko.
"I thought it was a prank, may hinahanap pala talaga siya..." I mumbled and took another sip on my mango shake.
Bahagyang nagkibit ng balikat si Arrisea. She continously wipe the drinking glass, not even sparing me a glance.
"That's Monique from STEM. Hindi ka siguro aware pero may kamukha ka raw sa strand nila."
I blinked a few times before looking back at Arrisea.
Kamukha? Sa STEM?
I slowly licked my lips as I consume this skewed information.
I decided to take a break from being consume by academics for a month. Ilang beses akong nag-decline ng quizbees at umuuwi kaagad ako pagkatapos ng klase. It was my way to move on and heal my broken system.
Of course, I still do my part in groupworks but my participation is minimal compare to how I usually do. Hindi na ako masyadong nag-mamagaling.
That being said, I didn't have any time to meddle with others. Lalo pa sa mga hindi ko ka-strand.
Kaya halos wala na rin akong balita sa ibang strand dahil sa mismong strand ko ay nagpapahinga ako sa mga kaganapan.
"Kamukha?" paguulit ko, I wanted to make sure I heard it right.
"Yup, pero hindi naman. Para sa akin ha. She's just someone who kind of resembles you just because..." Arri trailed off. Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin.
"Di ko siya kilala." I shook my head.
"Same. Pero matunog ang pangalan niya sa STEM dahil..." she looks at me then bit her lower lip.
"Nevermind, puro lang din naman tsismis ang alam ko."
I was curious though, hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi niya tinuloy ang kanyang sasabihin. I wanted to prompt her to tell me more.
"Arrisea! Libre mo naman ako!" may umupo sa tabi ko. It was Gio who was clearly already drunk.
Wala na ang lobo niyang kulay pula at mukha siyang nalugi. His shoulders were slumped. I wonder who made him have this kind of mood.
"Sige tapos bayaran mo bukas." Ngumisi si Arrisea.
Tumango-tango si Gio na parang bata. "Okay! Thank you!"
Iscalade who was with Gio also sat beside us. He was wearing a spiderman mask, hinubad niya ito at ngumisi saakin.
Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin. He was just a friend of Sath but I feel more guilty. Napansin naman niya ako kaya agad niya akong binati.
"Kamusta ka, Zafi? Long time no see! Kung hindi pa kita nakita ngayon ay iisipin kong iniiwasan mo ang STEM building!"
He was chuckling. Pero duda ko ay alam niya na totoo ngang umiiwas ako sa STEM building. The break up made me feel awful whenever I think of the STEM building. Hindi tulad ng mga gamit na pwede mong itapon o ipamigay, hindi mo naman pwedeng ipagiba 'yung building na hindi iyo.
I smiled at him to conceal the guilt on my face.
"I'm sorry, I got really busy these days..." I replied bashfully, still trying not to have any eye contact with him.
"Iscalade, nandiyan na girlfriend mo!" Gio tapped Iscalade on his back.
Luminga-linga si Iscalade.
"Dude, saan?"
Aalis na dapat si Iscalade sa upuan niya nang bigla siyang huminto at tumawa nang malakas.
"Gago, wala akong girlfriend!" biglang na-realize ni Iscalade.
We all laughed because of that. Si Gio naman ay napasalampak ang ulo sa lamesa.
"Gusto ko na ng girlfriend!" Gio said while wiping his eyes.
"Ba't ka umiiyak?" nangaasar na tanong ni Iscalade.
"Bwisit kasi kayo, kapag kayo nasasaktan naghahanap kayo ng ibang babae. Mga bobo! Edi lalong aayawan kayo ng mahal niyo." Gio hissed at Iscalade who looked taken aback. "Hindi niyo ako gayahin, nasasaktan man, sa kanya at siya lang ang makakagawa sa akin no'n..."
The sudden outburst from Gio made us all laugh. Hindi alam kung ano ang hugot sa buhay niya. We don't even know if he really has a girl or what.
"Tinanong lang kita kung bakit ka umiiyak, bakit ka naman nag-open forum sa akin?" Iscalade cackled.
"Iscalade! Ano ba 'yan nagkakalat ka ng lagim dito." may babaing lumapit saamin. She has an apple cut hair and very authorative voice.
She was frowning at Iscalade who looks happy to see her.
"Naiara! Bakit mo ako hinahanap? Miss mo ako? Crush mo talaga ako, no?" hagalpak ang tawa ni Iscalade. Naiara raised her dirty finger at him.
"Where's Philo?" Gio asked all of the sudden. Iscalade only smirked at him.
"Pumunta ba? Di naman 'yon papayagan..." there was something laced on his voice.
"Iscalade, tara na. Magpapaturo ako mag-gitara. Nasa stockroom daw 'yung mga instruments," yakag nung babae.
"Hoy, Naiara. Duda ako sa stockroom na 'yan." Iscalade frowned at her. Naiara only wriggled her nose.
"Edi huwag!"
Iscalade went off in his seat. Agad niyang sinundan 'yung babae.
"Di ka naman mabiro! Tara na nga basta sa labas kita tuturuan ah."
The girl rolled her eyes.
"Akala mo naman talaga interesado ako sa'yo!" she huffed.
"Sinabi ko bang interesado ka sa akin? Ikaw nadudulas ka na. Aminin mo na lang kasi," Iscalade laughed.
The two of them are bickering with each other. They could be a cute couple if they wanted to. The smile on my face vanished. I fidget my fingers to distract myself from going to the memory lane.
"Reminds you of old times?" Gio asked.
My gaze went to Gio who had his gaze on me. Seryoso ang kanyang titig sa akin. His eyes fell when he notice my expression. Concern was written all over his face.
"Sath and I are more mild, I think?" tumawa ako nang maalala ko kung paano kami mag-asaran ni Sath.
Unlike Iscalade, Sath always made me win arguments with him. Hindi ko ito napapansin noon pero ngayon na inaalala ko ay natatawa na lang ako.
He always let's me win. He always let's me get my way. He was clearly selfless when it comes to me.
Siguro ngayon ko lang talaga napagtantuan na masyado akong naging makasarili hanggang sa dulo. All of my decisions were clearly only favorable to me.
I regret it now because I could have done better. Para sa akin at para kay Sarathiel. Pero hanggang doon na lamang 'yon. Natuldukan na ang aming pagmamahalan. Even if I wanted to go back, Sath already moved on from me. I should do the same. Kahit pa gaano kasakit ito para sa akin.
Uminom ako sa mango shake na binigay ni Arrisea. This didn't taste so bad. I could survive the whole night with just this drink.
"Kakanta raw si Cait!" may sumigaw galing sa kumpol ng mga tao.
The name caught my attention. My eyes darted on the girl who was called as Cait. Natigilan ako nang makita kung sino siya.
A petite girl went to the small stage below the DJ's booth. Kumaway-kaway pa siya habang tumatawa. She's wearing an angel costume.
Nanglaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang kabuuang mukha niya. She's morena but has chinky eyes taliwas sa mga mata at kutis ko. Pero kung may pagkakahawig man kami, siguro kapag naka-sideview siya o kaya'y nakatalikod.
Ang kumpol ng mga tao ay naghihiyawan dahil sa kanya. She was waving her hand towards that direction, para siyang artista.
"Go Cait!"
"Caitlyn! Itayo mo ang STEM strand!"
"Cait! Ang ganda mo! Swerte ni Sarathiel!"
The name rendered me speechless. Ilang beses ko itong pinaulit-ulit sa utak ko. My mouth fell as I can feel my insides being twisted. Hindi ko matanggal ang pagkabuhol-buhol ng mga ito.
What the fuck?
Napalingon ako sa sumigaw. It was a group of boys who was nudging, pushing or clearly teasing Sarathiel who was laughing while holding a plastic red cup.
All this time. He was here. Sa ilang linggo na hindi ko siya nakita, I could feel the trail of nostalgia rising to my heart. The same brown eyes, wavy brown hair and grin made my heart jump out of it's ribcage.
He looks good...and happy.
Nandito rin pala siya. Umiling ako sa sarili ko, of course he is. He's also a grade 12 student like you. He also wants to experience the most of it.
Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Pero bawat kabog nito ay parang sinusuntok ang dibdib ko sa sakit. I should be happy seeing him finally having no burden anymore. He can finally be happy.
"Okay, I'll be singing a song for you..." she was blushing and she looks at a certain direction.
It was the direction where Sarathiel was. Hindi ko alam bakit sumikip bigla ang dibdib ko. Of course...He's with someone new. Kahit na parang ang bilis naman 'yata.
A sense of emptiness rolled through the pit of my stomach. Parang nawalan ako ng gana sa aking mango shake. I looked over Cait and she was smiling widely.
May nag-abot sa kanya ng isang gitara. She started strumming it and when she starts to sing, her soft voices make everyone feels like they're in love. Just like a cliché movie scene, everyone stopped to hear her sing.
In the back of my mind, bakit ko iniisip na sana ay sintunado siya? That isn't nice. Wala akong karapatan na isipan siya ng masama.
"All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop," she sings like an angel. It was Officially Missing You.
Para bang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko. It's okay, Zafirah. Don't be someone who eats their own word.
Hearing her sing was torture. Unti-unting natatanggap ko na ang totoo nang makita ko kung saan siya nakatingin.
After singing, she went Sath. The two of them looked so close. She was whispering something to Sarathiel. Mas matangkad si Sath sa kanya kaya naman lumuhod nang kaunti si Sath para marinig niya 'yung binubulong nung babae. Unlike to Czanne, Sath clearly entertains her.
I sighed as I shook my head. Stop it, Zafirah. It's not like you weren't the one who wanted a break up. This is the consequence of your decision.
You also clearly told yourself you'll be happy if he found someone new. He deserves it. He deserved to be loved even if it's by someone else. He deserves to love someone — even if it's not you anymore.
I tried looking at them, trying to numb the pain that I'm feeling. Tinitigan ko talaga sila para masanay na ang puso ko. Pero habang tumatagal ang tingin ko ay lalo lamang ako pinanghihinaan ng loob.
I did say I'll be happy but I never said I won't get hurt. Masakit pa rin pala talaga.
"I wonder why people fall in love even if they'll only get hurt in the end..." napalingon ako kay Gio na nakatitig saakin, pity on his eyes.
Ngumiti ako sa kanya.
"Some love are worth the pain, Gio. They're worth getting hurt for. You only know it's real when you feel pain."
The reality and the truth that Sath and I are already over.
He playfully shook his head.
"For some reason, I agree..." bumuntonghininga siya. "There are different kinds of love in this world, Zaf. Pero may mga pag-ibig na hindi mo kaya bitawan kahit nasasaktan ka na — and you know it will be better to just let it go but you'll stay because in the back of your mind, you just know it won't work with anyone else. "
"Do you have someone you like?" tanong ko kay Gio. Agad naman siyang lumingon sa kanya. He gave a smile, full of anguish.
"I have someone I love, Zafi."
"Did you already tell her?" lumambot ang aking tingin sa kanya.
"Yeah," he slowly nodded his head. "I think she already knows but she acts oblivious to it."
My jaw dropped. Agad na hinagod ko ang likod ni Gio. I didn't know but...
"I'm sorry, I love Sath and I think he's the only person I can love right now."
Marami nagsasabi na baka crush ako ni Gio dahil close kami. I always dismiss the thought. Hindi ko makita ang sarili ko na si Gio ang kasama. It will always be Sath.
Kumunot ang noo niya at agad na lumayo sa akin. Parang nandidiri.
"Alam mo, Zafi. Ako 'yung lasing pero parang ikaw 'yung may tama?" he grimaced.
"You mean it's not me?" I tease, alam ko naman sa sarili ko na hindi talaga ako. But I really have no idea who the girl is.
"What the fuck? No? No offense but I don't beat around the bush. If I like someone, I'll tell her. Di naman ako tulad ng Sath mo na dinaan ka sa pagiging hater —" he stopped babbling when his lips curved into a pout. "You're lucky you found someone who's willing to get hurt just to be with you, you know?"
Tumango ako kahit labag sa loob ko na tanggapin na 'yung tao na 'yon ay maaaring hindi na talaga ako mahal.
I know that and I lost him. Masakit man pero kailangan kong maging masaya para sa kanya. I looked back and saw that Sarathiel was already gone from his position. Si Caitlyn kasama ng ibang STEM students na lamang ang natira sa pwesto nila.
I hope you already find your happiness, Sath.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜