Chapter XX ─ Void
[ B R Y A N C L A Y ]
By the time Michael dragged me out of my house, I was already on full autopilot mode. I was embarrassed beyond belief, the fact that Michael had to deal with one of the most prominent demons that haunted my dreams didn't sit well with me. I was scared—petrified—of what was going to happen next.
The cat was out of the bag, Griff knew everything I tried to keep locked away for so long and I was not sure where it left us. He knew I was gay, he knew about my sister, my family. I hated this nagging feeling in the pit of my gut, telling me that things were only going to get worse from this point and onwards. Bryan Clay strikes again with his casual pessimism.
The walk to his house was a silent one. Unbearable tension accompanied every step we took, but that was rather common between the two of us as of late. It was a pity that this tension would likely cloud our visions for a while longer.
I would have given anything to know what was going on inside that ginger head of Michael then. A part of me was curious to know what kind of light he painted me in after everything that went down earlier that afternoon. Another part of me wanted to run away and never look back again. I couldn't wait for graduation, I couldn't wait to be finally free of this shithole town.
Was I acting like an absolute coward? Yeah, I couldn't even deny it. It was all I ever did, I hide and cower away from issues, avoiding them like the plague itself. Now, I was caught between a rock and a hard place, I had nowhere to run, the world had the time of its life with me and left me gasping for air in the worst way imaginable. I felt like I was going to succumb to my thoughts all over again. A breakdown was on the horizon and it was rapidly approaching, however, this time there was nothing I could do about it. I was too weak.
That's how I felt, I felt powerless with Michael's firm grip on my forearm, ensuring that I had nowhere to run. I couldn't help but ask myself, did he pity me?
I didn't think I could take it if he did, my pride had been royally beaten down over the years, but it couldn't suffer that kind of a blow without breaking me. The only thing I wanted from Michael Griffin was for him to love me as much as I loved him. I clenched my fists and shot a look at my ginger nightmare. Michael focused on the sidewalk ahead of him, his cloudy green eyes intent on finding the way home. He didn't do as much as spare me a look and I was grateful for it.
By the time we stepped into the driveway of Griff's humble abode my thoughts had gone past being irrational. Any cohesive thoughts had long gone and I was crafting up futile plans of escaping this awkward situation and disappearing for a while. If only things were that easy.
Michael cleared his throat and halted all movement in front of the front door. He looked at me for the first time since we left my house. "Please calm down, Bry, everything's going to be alright." It was a decent attempt at reassurance, however, it did nothing to help the tension slip out of my body. I clenched my jaw and bit my tongue, I wasn't in the right place of mind to respond to him.
I heard a sigh escape Griff's lips and focused on him as he inched closer into my personal space. "I know about the category five storm wreaking havoc in your head right now, I'm not that oblivious." He closed the space between the two of us by wrapping his strong arms around my waist in a comforting hug. I stiffened up even more with his body pressed up against mine, I could barely breathe. "Have some faith in me, okay? I mean it when I say that everything's going to be okay from this point and onwards, I'll make sure of it." Griff murmured as he hung his head on my shoulder.
I felt powerless before, but now I truly was powerless with the wait Griff's body fit against mine, and the way I could feel his breath on my neck as he drew comforting circles on the small of my back. I found myself beginning to unhinge and relax despite my adamant attempts at resistance.
There was no resisting Michael Griffin for me, he held my heart captive for as long as I could remember.
I cleared my throat and tried to collect my composure before speaking what was on my mind. "It's not your battle to fight, Griff. I should just go home." I tried to reason with him. He wasn't obliged to be my knight in shining armor when I couldn't speak up for myself, I couldn't put that kind of burden on anyone's shoulders even if I wanted to.
Michael's hold on me was persistent. "I know I don't have to fight for you and I won't, Bryan. We'll fight together. I fucked up so many times with you and I regret every single mistake I've made. If I could, I would go back in time and fix everything, but I can't. So the least I can do is not repeat the same mistakes and leave you for stranded again. We're in this together now, just like it should have always been." He peered at me from my shoulder with a reassuring smile and I felt the butterflies in my stomach surge back to life again. My poor heart couldn't handle this. He saw right through me and I didn't know how I should have felt about that.
Before I could craft a coherent response, the front door bust open and revealed a shocked Janice Griffin, also known as Michael Griffin's sweet mother. "Look at you two!" She gushed. Her expression changed in the blink of an eye.
"Mom!" Michael groaned as he scrambled off of me, the warmth of his body against mine dissipated rapidly. A small flush overtook his cheeks as he stared at the ground. It was... adorable.
"More for me," Janice remarked in a sly tone and before I knew it, I was enveloped in a bone-crushing hug. Michael might have taken my breath away, but Janice might as well have collapsed both my lungs. "It's been so long! Too long." She exclaimed excitedly.
"Mom! Stop crushing him, he's starting to turn blue!" Griff tried to pry his mother off of me in a panicked frenzy, the strength such a frail woman possessed was impressive. I was ought to have bruises afterward.
Janice laughed in response and let go of me. "Alright, alright. I'm just excited to see my boys together again." She grew sentimental in an instant, her range of emotions was remarkable. A pregnant silence fell between all of us, it was Griff's mom who broke it. "Is everything okay?"
"Listen, Bryan will um, stay with us for a while if that's okay," Michael muttered in a distant tone and I shied away from their attention, I hated this feeling, I felt like I was being unintentionally disruptive, it made my skin crawl.
"Yeah, it's okay, he's always welcome here," Janice said with an understanding tone, not asking any more questions. I was glad that she didn't try to pry information out of us, what went down was way too fresh to discuss on the spot. "I'm just heading out to the grocery store real quick, got a night shift again. I'll be back soon, the air mattress is in the laundry room somewhere if you happen to need one. I trust you two to not set the house on fire while I'm away."
"Yeah, okay, thanks, mom. I'll explain later." He muttered.
Janice gave him a small smile and turned her attention to me and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. "Glad to have you around, Bryan, I think I speak for the both of us when I say that we missed you." She smiled before heading towards the car parked in the driveway.
Her departure left us in silence yet again and I struggled to focus on Griff without shying away. "Sorry about that." He coughed awkwardly. "Come on, let's go set everything up, make yourself at home. Oh and take this." He shoved my toothbrush into my hand and I raised an eyebrow at him.
He tilted his head a little and met my eyes. "What? You're going to need it." He said before walking through the door, leaving it wide open for me to follow.
It didn't take us long to get settled, moments were filled with content silence and stubborn protests. Michael insisted that he slept on the air mattress instead of I. I tried to protest but eventually got tired of fighting his point of making me feel as comfortable as possible. It was weird being in his room after all those years, the fact that I would be sleeping in his bed, that smelled just like him, was also getting to my head. Fighting my primal urges would be rather interesting, to say the least.
My toothbrush had found a place in Michael's bathroom, in the cup that held his own. Something about it felt oddly comforting to me, as weird as that sounded.
I looked at the bottle of aspiring left on a cabinet and my eyes widened in realization. My pills were back in my house, worst of all, Jen was most probably there. I started panicking, I couldn't just run back to my house after all that went down, I didn't want to see her, I couldn't. "Hey, Bry..." Michael started and quickly trailed off when he saw my troubled expression. "Is everything okay? What's going on? Talk to me."
I bit my tongue and shook my head a little, trying to get the demons out of my head again, I needed my fluoxetine pills to combat my intermittent explosive disorder, I couldn't make do without them and I couldn't forgive myself if I ended up lashing out on Michael after he had been nothing but great to me. "I, uh, my pills. I need my pills." I managed to cough out as I looked at my horrified expression in the mirror.
Michael let out a breath and paused in motion. "Okay, hm, it's okay, calm down, I'll go get your pills, okay? You don't have to see her face again." His green eyes were focused on mine in the mirror and I couldn't look away. God, I was such a fucking pussy, I was going to have a mild panic attack because I left my pills behind, I hated myself. "What does it look like? The container?" He stepped behind me and placed a reassuring hand on the small of my back again.
"It was, uh, an orange tube, it was on my dresser. I should just go get it myself." I sighed in defeat.
"Don't worry about it. S'okay, I'll be back in no time, alright? Hang in there for me." He pressed his forehead against the back of my shoulder. Somehow, Griff managed to make me feel like things would be okay in the end.
I'd hold onto that feeling for as long as I could.