the thoughts and writings of a mind in tatters

such a mind as mine

It's a real curse to have such a mind as mine, one that believes in magic, and love and beauty, and romanticizes some aspects of life, because I want to see so much beauty in the things around me and go on adventures and live a life full of being alive not just breathing and existing but actually being alive, like going on unexpected adventures and having great times with friends and seeing so much more in just ordinary things. It's a curse because while I'm begging myself to find the beauty and magic in the world around me my brain also sees all the bad things, like the fact that people are absolutely disgusting and terrible creatures (for the most part) we are capable of such monstrosities that it makes me ashamed to be a part of the species. So it's a constant fine line battle between "I know things are bad but there are still so many great things" and "everything is awful even the things that are good are shit because of one thing or another and being alive is a joke without a solid punchline" it's very confusing and very upsetting. I'm one of the saddest people I know, no bullshit and yet when it comes to some things I am the most knowledgeable and excited person ever, if you get me talking about something I'm passionate about good luck getting me to shut up and also just look at the considerable amount of happiness in my eyes, over something as simple as seeing a moth or seeing the moon or finding a really cute video of a shark or watching my dog. When you see that it's hard to picture my usual unimpressed, looking a little pissed off, perma-sad expression, it's like 2 different people entirely