Kabanata 26
If I Have Nothing
I roamed my eyes around the place. It looks like a typical house but it was a condo unit. Malaki kumpara sa condo ni Kuya Bo.
I held on to the handle of my luggage when I heard heavy footsteps coming from the hallway. Mula sa paglilibot ng aking mga mata sa sala ay dumapo iyon sa taong kalalabas lang ng pasilyo.
Our eyes met in an instant. Pansin kong bagong paligo siya. He looked fresh in his wet hair and a matching color of shirt and shorts. May gray na towel na nakasabit din sa kaniyang leeg.
Bahagya akong humarap kay Rhett. It has been weeks since I last saw him. We don't really talk much, I just answered and asked what was necessary.
Months of being cold to him was convenient for me to forget about my feelings. Mas natabunan iyon ng pag-iisip na ginagawa lang naman namin ito dahil napagkasunduan at napilitan lamang. I focused more on studies. Gusto ko lang ibaling ang pansin ko sa ibang bagay.
Nagtapos na ako ng Senior High School. Dalawang buwan na ang nakalilipas. Now, I am also officially enrolled in college taking up BS in Medical Technology. Sabay kami ni Marriam na nag-enroll sa ibang university na nag-ooffer nang ganoong course. Darwin, on the other hand, took up engineering in UDM. Hindi naman nalalayo ang eskwelahan namin ni Marriam, SFU is just a few minutes away from it.
"Who dropped you off here?" iyon ang tanong ni Rhett matapos akong pasadahan ng tingin. Nasa sahig ang isa ko pang bagahe habang ang maleta ay hawak ko pa rin.
Inalis ko ang tingin sa kaniya. "Dad did."
Bumaling ako sa ibang direksyon. "Nasaan ang kwarto ko?" Kapagkuwan ay tanong ko sa kaniya. As much as I want to stay long in the receiving room, I rather stay in my room. Baka dito siya madalas tumambay, ayaw ko lang makaistorbo.
Seeing my face might make him hate me more. Buti nga at natiis niya pa ang paghatid sa akin sa bahay sa makalipas na buwan.
We're married, yes, but I don't want him doing all those things all over again. Parang ipinapaalala niya sa akin lahat ng pagpapanggap niya.
He sighed. Humakbang siya patungo sa akin kaya naalarma ako. My eyes narrowed at him. "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting your stuff." Aniya at yumuko upang kunin ang aking isa pang bag na medyo may kabigatan. I subtly watched as his arms flexed. Agad kong iniwas ang tingin at ibinaling iyon sa isang abstract portrait na nasa pader.
Sumunod ako sa kaniya nang pumasok siya sa pasilyo. The rolling of the wheels made by my luggage echoed as we walked. May tatlon pintong nandoon. Tumigil siya sa pinakadulo at binuksan ang pinto.
The room was painted in white with a touch of warm blue motif. Pumasok si Rhett kaya sumunod ako. Inilapag niya ang aking bag sa sahig at napalingon sa akin.
"This is our room." He stared at me.
Lumawak ang aking mata. "Our?"
His brows raised a bit. "Yes, unless you want to sleep in the office."
"What about the other room?"
"There are still...stuff inside."
Sumimangot ako. Sandaling tinapunan siya ng tingin bago lumabas at tiningnan ang mga kwarto.
I don't trust his words anymore lalo na kung ipagpipilitan niyang magkasama kami sa iisang kwarto lamang.
The first room was filled with things that I don't even know about. May mga malalaking boxes na nagpatong-patong at maliit lang ang kwarto. I could barely even breathe.
Nang lumabas ako ay nakita ko siyang nakahalukipkip at nakasandal sa hamba ng pinto at pinagmamasdan ang aking ginagawa. His eyes were stern and cold.
I went to the adjacent room. Kumpara sa isang kwarto ay mas maluwag-luwag iyon, nga lang, okupado na yata ng mga gamit niya. There was an office desk, a desktop set with a printer and bookshelves plastered in the wall. May itim na couch na nakalapat sa dingding na malapit sa pinto. There was a wide drawing table with a lamp just in between the desk and the wide window on the right.
Huminga ako nang malalim. Nauna siya dito sa condo unit na binigay ng kaniyang mga magulang sa amin. He left his old condo unit last January sa pag-aakalang doon na din ako titira.
My mother asked for a few months. After I graduated, my parents also decided that I should already live with my husband. Hindi magandang tingnan na nandoon pa rin ako sa bahay habang ang asawa ko ay nandito na sa titirahan namin.
Funny how they call it home when I don't feel anything but hatred towards him? For months that I became cold to him, he didn't ask what was the problem. Parang mas gusto niyang iyon talaga ang mangyari habang kasal kaming dalawa. I got tired of waiting for him to ask me or even tell me that he didn't want to marry me.
Lumabas ako ng kaniyang office. He's still not working yet because he's still in college pero may opisina na agad. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mainis. Why would I even stay in the same room as his? Malapad naman ang couch sa sala, sa kaniyang office din ganoon, pwedeng-pwede ako roon. Payat naman ako kaya magkakasya, maliban na lang kung ang paa ko ay lalaylay sa sahig o sa ere. Marunong naman akong mamaluktot kapag nangyari iyon.
He was still there in the door frame waiting for me. Tikom ang aking bibig nang huminto sa kaniyang harapan.
"I'll sleep on the couch. You can have the room. Ang mga gamit ko naman ay diyan na rin. I don't want to sleep beside you."
He towered over me, eyes darkening. Humalukipkip ako at matapang na sinalubong ang kaniyang tingin.
"Or you can have the couch and I'll take the bed. Basta't ayaw kong magtabi tayo." I suggested.
"We're married." Aniya na parang may ipinahihiwatig.
Sarkastiko akong ngumiti. "Don't I know that? We're only married in papers, Rhett. Hindi kailangang magtabi tayo sa kama para bigyang patibay iyon."
His jaw clenched aggressively. Taas noo akong dumaan sa kaniyang gilid upang asikasuhin ang aking mga gamit. I am glad I fit on the small space left on the door. He is a bit massive for me, sakop na sakop ang halos kabuuan ng pintuan.
Nang pumasok ako ay inilibot kong muli ang tingin sa kwarto. It was the biggest room of the unit. King size ang kama na may gray na bedsheet. The pillows were in navy blue pillowcases. Sa dalawang gilid ng kama ay mayroong cabinet na nagmumukha ring lamesa. There were lamps on both sides. Sa kanang bahagi ay may nakita akong maliit na orasan at iilang gamit.
It must be his, I thought. Ang kaliwang bahagi kasi ay walang laman maliban sa lamp na nandoon. May tv din na nakasabit sa dingding na nakaharap sa kama.
There was a small walk in closet. Hinila ko ang aking maleta patungo doon at dahan-dahang inilapag sa sahig. There was a big space on the left side. Sa kanang bahagi ay nandoon ang kaniyang mga damit. Hindi masyadong marami ang kaniya. It was as if he limited the things he had in order for mine to fit.
Tuningnan ko ang aking mga dalang damit. Iniisip kong hindi naman siguro noong mauubos ang espasyong iniwan niya para sa akin.
Narinig ko ang yabag niya at pagpasok sa walk in. I was sitting indian style on the floor while sorting my clothes. There was a second of silence after I heard his footsteps. Nilingon ko siya dahil hindi siya nagsasalita.
"Do you need anything?" I asked because I still have piles of clothes to arrange.
"Sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the couch." Aniya at malamig pa rin ang tingin.
Ngumiti ako na para bang malaking pasasalamat iyon sa kaniya. "Well, good choice. The couch suits you anyway." I uttered and went back to folding my clothes properly. May mga hanger naman kaya ang mga dress ko ay doon nakalagay.
Hindi siya umalis kaagad. I didn't give him an ounce of attention because I didn't want to talk to him. Ano pa bang pag-uusapan namin? Magkakamustahan ba kami? We just didn't see each other for weeks. Bakasyon naman. Mas gusto kong ayaw na lang siyang makita dahil sa susunod ay sa iisang bahay na lang naman kami titira.
It took me an hour before I finished. Nang tingnan ko ang oras ay alas tres na iyon ng hapon. When I saw the king size bed, I jumped right into it. Malambot ang kama ngunit amoy ko naman si Rhett mula sa unan at bed sheet. Wala naman akong magagawa doon dahil dito na siya natutulog ever since. I just had to endure it for a few hours and then I'll change it.
Nakatulog ako dahil sa pagod. Nang magising ay ramdam kong hindi lang ako ang tao sa loob ng kwarto. May narinig din akong parang ipit na tunog ng isang hinihilang bagay. I tried to sneak a peek. Mula sa maliit na siwang ng mata ay nakita ko si Rhett. He was pulling something towards the room. Nang mas nilakihan ko ang bukas ng mata ay doon ko lang napagtanto na hinihila niya papasok sa kwarto ang couch na mula pa sa kaniyang opisina.
Still in the same position, I said, "What are you doing?"
Natigil siya sa paghila ng itim na couch na iyon. My eyes narrowed at him as I tried to sit up on the bed. Ang kumot ay nalaglag sa aking baywang. Hinawi ko kaagad iyon at bumaba ako sa kama.
"Why are you moving that couch? Diba't nasa office iyan?"
Umayos siya ng tayo at tiningnan ako, "I'm going to sleep there."
"Exactly, Rhett." I gave him a deadpanned look. Parang gustong sumabog ng ugat ko sa ulo.
"That's why I am moving it here.
In that case, we'll still sleep in the same room."
Tumirik na ang aking mata sa inis. I don't know what the hell is he playing. Malinaw naman na sinabi kong ayaw ko siyang makasama sa iisang kwarto. Saan ba napunta ang utak nito?
"I told you I don't want to stay in the same room with you."
"No." Kumunot ang aking noo sa kaniyang sagot.
"No?" I repeated.
"You only said you don't want us to sleep beside each other, flower. You didn't say that you don't want to stay in the same room with me."
"No, malinaw na sinabi ko iyon sa'yo kanina. Ayaw--
"Ayaw mong magtabi tayo," he cut me off, "That's what you said. And I already moved the couch, I've wasted enough energy."
Sino ba kasi ang nagsabing ilipat mo yang pesteng couch na 'yan dito?
Naghalo ang inis at galit ko sa kaniya. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa couch na pinaghirapan niyang hilahin patungo dito. It seems heavy but I can also move it with my thin arms. It might take me hours but I can movie it back in his office!
"I can also move that back if you're tired." I offered.
"Syden Amaryllis," he growled my name, "I don't know what the fuck you're playing but I am tired!" pagsabog niya. I flinched at his thunderous voice. His eyes couldn't keep the anger and it reflected in his grayish silver orbs. Napalunok ako bago umatras. Nang mapansin niya ang aking reaksyon ay humakbang siya ng isang beses patungo sa akin.
"I'm sor—" Akmang aabutin ako ng kaniyang kamay ngunit tinalikuran ko na siya. Instead of staying in that same room, I went outside. Mabigat ang aking yabag pati na ang aking loob.
Panay ang hinga ko nang malalim. To hear that kind of tone in him, parang ibinabalik ako nito sa gabing sinigawan niya ang kaniyang ama. With that angry tone, he said that he can't marry me.
Limang buwan na nga ang nakalipas pero sariwang-sariwa pa ang kaniyang mga kataga at ang dulot nitong sakit sa akin. I tried to push away my feelings for him. Sinubukan kong huwag magpakita ng nararamdaman.
Kung sana hindi kami palaging nagkikita, mas madali kong maiwawala ang nararamdaman sa kaniya. But even the silence between us was too comforting that I wanted to regret giving him a silent treatment.
Pero ang pumapasok sa isip ko, dapat lang naman iyon sa kaniya. Kahit hindi harapang sinabi sa akin na hindi niya ako gustong pakasalan, masakit pa rin. I am his girlfriend! o baka ako lang naman ang nag-iisip na may namamagitan sa aming dalawa dahil niligawan niya ako at sinagot ko siya.
I was a fool before. Too young and indeed foolish to even think that I could fall in love with him. I thought it was possible. But I just want to forget those feelings. I already made a promise myself.
And that is to never get involved with him again.