Kabanata 24
If I Have Nothing
Sa pagmulat ko pa lang ng aking mga mata hindi na ako mapagsidlan ng tuwa. My family surprised me with a birthday cake as a pre-celebration for my eighteenth birthday. Nagbonding kami sandali sa aking kwarto bago kami bumaba para mag-agahan.
"Happy birthday, Syden!" Yaya Ising enveloped me in a hug. Gumanti naman ako ng yakap. "Salamat Ya!"
Ang dalawa pa naming kasambahay ay binatin din ako. Sabado ang aking birthday kaya naman walang pasok. It's a good thing that we have no project to finish so it's almost a spacious weekend.
Inihanda na ni Mommy ang mga gamit para mamaya. We'll be arriving at the hotel at one in the afternoon pagkatapos naming bumisita sa Orphanage para pakainin ang mga bata. One thing that I really planned for this day is to spend it with the kids. And to also spend it at the place where I made my childhood memories.
Nagtagal kami ni Mommy sa orphanage dahil may ginawa din akong programa para sa mga bata. Ang mga madreng nangangalaga doon ay tuwang-tuwa. Iyong mga bata tuwang-tuwa sa mga natanggap na regalo. This is the one thing that I want to give back to those people who accepted and had given me shelter when my real parents abandoned me.
"Maraming salamat, Ate Syden! God bless you po!" I ruffled their hairs. Bitbit ang mga natanggap mula sa akin ay niyakap nila ako isa-isa.
When my mother called for me when it's time for us to leave, I shook hands with the other workers. Ang iba sa kanila ay bago pa pero kilala na nila ako doon dahil buwanan ako kung bumisita sa mga bata.
When we arrived at the hotel, Mom and I checked the venue. Nandoon ang organizer at inaayos na ang stage. Simple lamang ang disenyo pero pinarami naman ang mga bulaklak na nandoon. I just want the presence of Amaryllis flower and the mixed of red and white motif.
Ang mga mesa ay nakaayos. There were Amaryllis flowers on top of each table too that serves as the centerpiece. Sa gilid ay ang kopya ng daloy ng program.
Inaya na ako ni Mommy na umakyat sa aming hotel room. Doon na din kami kumain ng pananghalian dahil hindi kami nakakain bago umalis ng bahay.
I took a quick nap after eating. Nagising lang nang niyugyog ako ni Mommy at sinabing nandiyan na ang make up artist. It was already two o'clock in the afternoon. I took a long bath and proceeded in front of the make up artist.
"Ang ganda naman ng tan ni Ma'am. Bagay na bagay sa kaniya." The gay complimented my complexion. Bahagya niyang inangat ang aking baba upang masuri ang aking mukha. He then proceeded on putting some cream on my face.
Paminsan-minsan ay nagkukuwentuhan sila ni Mommy. After my make up, si Mommy naman ang inayusan nito at babalik naman ulit sa akin for a second layer.
I was done wearing my gown when someone knocked at the door. Si Mommy ang nagbukas ng pinto at bumungad sa amin si Daddy kasama ang mga kaibigan ko. Sumilip ako nang bahagya at kumaway sa kanila.
"Good afternoon, Tita!" Pinapasok ni Mommy sina Juni at Marriam. Juni looked lovely in her ankle length white dress. Si Marriam naman ay nakasuot ng baby pink na dress, parehong haba lang parehas ng kay Juni.
"Oh my gosh, ang ganda mo!" Si Marriam sabay yakap sa akin. The gown was a bit big kaya hindi kami maayos na nagkayakapan. Sumunod si Juni sa pagyakap sa akin.
Iniwan kami doon ni Mommy tapos ang make up artist ay nag-offer kung pwede rin bang lagyan niya ng make up ang kaibigan kong si Juni. Marriam already had her make up. Si Juni, sigurado akong nagpulbo lang at nag-lipstick. Nonetheless, Juniper still looks lovely. Sa kasimplehan ay mas lalo akong nagagandahan sa aking kaibigan.
My friends and I talked for a little bit. Nang magbandang alas cinco ay bumaba na silang dalawa at naiwan ako kasama ng aking mga magulang.
"Happy birthday, anak." Mommy kissed my cheek as we walked towards the door. I held on to my father's arm. Nang magbukas ang pinto ay pinaunlakan ako ng masigabong palakpakan mula sa mga bisita. My smiled went wider.
I never really dreamed to have a party this grand before. Noong bata ako, minsan ay hindi ako naniniwalang may ganito kabonggang party ang inihahanda para magkakaroon ng kaarawan. Indeed, the eighteenth birthday is the most memorable day for any teenage girls.
"Oh my god, Mama is here Lyco!" narinig kong usal ni Mommy kay Daddy nang papalapit na kami sa stage. Si Mommy ay humarap sa akin at ngumiti.
"I guess, your Lola is not that bad at all." She smiled.
Kahit papaano ay gumaan ang loob ko doon. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang naging dahilan ni Lola sa pagpunta. Kung pinilit man, ayos lang din sa akin. To have her presence is enough for me, kahit na sinabi niyang hindi siya pupunta, pero nandito at dumating siya.
Hanggang sa stage ay hinatid ako ng aking mga magulang. Their was a greek couch in the middle that serves as my seat.
My parents gave their welcoming remarks to the visitors. Mula sa stage ay kitang-kita ko ang aking mga bisita. Marriam, Juni and Darwin sat on the table near the Vasiliev's. Kumpleto din doon ang pamilya at si Dimitri ay napakagwapo sa kaniyang suot na suit.
"Hello po, I'm Juniper. Iyong iba po sa inyo, hindi ako kilala. I am Syden's best friend ever since we were young. Syden as a friend is very caring and emotional. Pero ngayong lumaki na kami, nakita ko na ang malaking pagbabago niya. She's smart, beautiful and strong. Wala na siyang inaatrasang laban ngayon and I am glad to have witnessed all those changes from her. Kahit magkalayo tayo, Syd, you never forgot about me. At ako din, hinding-hindi kita makakalimutan. I love you and happy birthday!"
Ngumiti ako sa mensahe ni Juni para sa akin. She is my eighteenth candle. Nagyakapan kaming dalawa bago maghiwalay. She went to the line of girls who belonged to the eighteen candles. Pinatayo ako ng emcee para hipan lahat ng nakasinding kanila. I started from the first until I stopped at Juni.
Matapos ang unang parte ng program ay ni-serve na ang dinner. Bumaba ako ng stagw at naglibot-libot sa kada table. I actually missed some of my friends in high school, kabilang na doon sina Jeremy. I didn't invite Carl. Hanggang ngayon ay kinikilabutan pa rin ako sa mapagmataas nitong pangako sa sarili.
I stopped at our grandparents' table. Nandoon sina Grandma at Grandpa, sina Lolo at Lola din. My aunts and uncles were at the other table.
Nagkaroon ng picture taking pagkatapos ay lumipat ako sa table nina Juni. We chatted for a little bit and took photos. Pagkatapos noon ay lumipat ako sa mesa ng mga Vasiliev.
"Syden, you look wonderful tonight, hija!" Hinalikan ako sa pisngi ni Tita Aleah nang makalapit. Tito Vladd just smiled at me. Ang batang si Dimitri ay excited na yumakap sa akin.
"You're so beautiful, Ate Syd! Mommy take a picture!" He demanded at his mother. Nagtawanan kami bago nga sinunod ang gusto ng bata.
"Kayo ni Rhett, sweetie." Tita Aleah motioned Rhett to stand up. Tumayo nga siya at lumapit sa akin. I smiled at him when he approached me.
He looked dashing in his dark suit with a gray neck tie. Ang malambot niyang buhok ay nakaayos at napansin kong mas umikli iyon kumpara sa huli naming pagkikita.
Some eyes were on us. Ang iba ay nagpatuloy sa pagkain habang magkatabi kami ni Rhett at hinihintay ang photographer.
"Nagpagupit ka?" I asked him while waiting.
"Yeah," tamad niyang sabi. Napanguso ako ay sumulyap. "Bakit ang tamad mong magsalita?" may bahid ng inis ang aking tono.
"You look beautiful. I'm pissed."
I chuckled. "Bakit naman? Gusto mong maganda ka rin?" I joked.
"Syden Amaryllis, not a good joke."
"Eh bakit nga?" Mas lalo akong lumapit sa kaniya. The photographer was already approaching us after he went to the other table.
"So many eyes were on you." I chuckled more. Umayos lang ng sumenyas ang photographer na maglapit pa kaming dalawa.
I readied my smile. It almost faltered when I felt his hand on my lower back. Kasabay ng pagsulyap ko sa kaniya ay ang pag-flash ng camera.
Binitawan niya na ako pagkatapos. He went back to the table like a robot. Pinigilan ko ang mapailing.
Tinawag na ako ni Mommy para paupuin at kumain. There was someone singing as an entertainment while we eat. Pagkatapos ay inilabas iyong pre-debut video ko.
After the dinner, everyone settled down once again. Ako naman ay nakatayo sa gitna habang hinihintay ang pagbibigay sa akin ng bulaklak at pagsasayaw. My father served as my first dance, si Kuya ang sumunod at iilang lalaking pinsan. Darwin was also in the list.
"Ganda natin ah!" Papuri niya matapos niya akong bigyan ng bulaklak. I just laughed and danced with him.
Sumunod ang batang si Alexei and then, it was Dimitri. My seventeenth dance. Mababa sa akin si Dimitri kaya medyo nahirapan akong isayaw siya. For a seven year old, he was hyper. Parang ayaw pa ngang tumigil na isayaw ako.
Today was a fairytale
You were the prince
I used to be a damsel in distress You took me by the hand
And you picked me up at six
Today was a fairytale
Today was a fairytale
Today was a fairytale
I wore a dress
You wore a dark gray t-shirt
You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess
Today was a fairytale
"Hi," I smiled when Rhett approached me. Sa kaniyang kamay ay ang pinakahuling bulaklak ng Amaryllis.
"You look beautiful," aniya sabay bigay ng bulaklak. Tinanggap ko iyon at inamoy.
He lend me his hand for a dance. Tinanggap ko ang kaniyang kamay bago niya ako hinila palapit sa kaniya. Our distance closed. Ang aming hininga ay tila naghahalo na.
Kumabog ang aking dibdib sa dala ng kaniyang malalim na titig sa akin. My other hand landed on top of his shoulder as his went to my waist and swayed me. Ang aming tingin ay konektado pa rin.
But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
Indeed, today was a fairytale as I danced with my Prince. Parang natigil ang mundo para sa aming dalawa. All I am seeing now is his mesmerizing grayish silver eyes staring back at mine as if I was the most beautiful girl.
Sa muling pag-ikot ay naramdaman ko ang paggaan ng aking dibdib ngunit hindi nawala ang magandang ritmong ginagawa nito. Every beat sounds for something surreal. Na parang sa bawat tibok ay may kailangan akong mahinuha.
Time slows down whenever you're around
I can feel my heart
It's beating in my chest
Did you feel it?
I can't put this down
Did he feel it too? The beating of my heart, shouting for his name? Or was I the only one who seemed to fall for him..for everything?
Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata. Nararamdaman ko na ang pagtatapos ng kanta ngunit parang ayaw kong bumitaw sa kaniya sa gabing ito. All I wanted was for him to hold me.
I am legal to hold him now. I am now legal to show the world that I was falling for this cold man. Despite everything, I managed to see his flaws. Beyond his coldness, I managed to see what's behind his cold personality. Rhett wasn't cold. He was warm from the inside, sa kaniyang mga kapatid, magulang, mga kaibigan...at sa akin.
"Rhett..." I called his name softly.
"Hmm?" he hummed and stared down at me. Napalunok ako sa intensidad ng kaniyang tingin. I felt my cheeks heated like a pot subjected into boiling.
"I..." Nabitin sa ere ang aking sasabihin. Mas lalo ko siyang tinitigan upang mabasa kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya sa sasabihin ko.
But his eyes remained cold.
The words that were attempting to escape my throat suddenly pulled back like cowards in a war.
"Let's just dance. The song's about to end." He interrupted. Bumagsak ang aking balikat ngunit tumango na lamang.
But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale
Oh oh yeah yeah oh
Today was a fairytale
When the song ended, I smiled at him. Unti-unti siyang umatras habang nakakonektado pa rin ang tingin sa akin. He slowly drifted away and then he turned his back on me.
Nakalimutan ko, nasa harap pala kami ng maraming tao. Walang nakakaalam ng kung anumang mayroon sa amin.
My heart sank a bit. I wished everyone knew how much I like him. I wished everyone knew that I am his girlfriend, and we'll be married tomorrow. Pero hindi pa pwede...
Few activities took over after the dance. Nang matapos na ang aking kaarawan ay unti-unti ng umaalis ang mga bisita. I also changed my dress into an ankle length red dress. Ang aking nakalugay na buhok kanina ay nakatali na ngayon.
I looked for Rhett everywhere. Ang kaniyang pamilya naman ay nandoon pa rin sa venue, maliban kay Tito Vladd. Ang sabi sa akin ni Tita Aleah ay baka lumabas ang mag-ama.
They won't be staying in a hotel. Kami rin naman ng pamilya ko dahil ang iilang mga pinsan ko na lang ang mananatili doon.
Nang makauwi kami sa bahay ay nagpaalam ako kay Mommy na magpapahangin lang muna sa labas. She gave me permission pero dapat ay madali lang ako dahil gabi na.
I ran towards the Vasiliev's house. Nasa gate pa lamang ako ay narinig ko na ang kaguluhan.
"Dad, you don't understand!" rinig kong sigaw ni Rhett. Upon hearing his angry voice, I can't help but be scared.
"You fucking try to let me understand. Hanggang nandito ka sa pamamahay ko, susundin mo kami. You can't have the firm if you can't marry Syden!"
Nanigas ako sa aking kinatatayuan. Kumunot ang aking noo dahil narinig ang aking pangalan. My heart was pounding like a blacksmith's hammer in my chest.
"You'll marry her tomorrow. The Costello's are expecting us and we respect their decision. A deal is a deal, Atticus Rhett."
"You can't make me do that! I can't marry Syden!" it was Rhett...and hearing him say that...shattered my heart.
Nanginig ang aking tuhod at namingi ang aking mga tainga. There was ringing in my ears like a television running without a network.
Pain shot through my heart. It exploded in every veins surrounding my body making me dizzy. The pain was like needles dipped in alcohol that had been jammed through my heart.
Tears spilt over and flowed down my face like a river escaping an overflowing dam. Sa nagmamadaling mga yabag ay binagtas ko ang daan pabalik sa aking pinanggalingan.
I can't marry Syden!
I can't marry Syden!
I can't marry Syden!
It kept echoing in my mind. Gusto kong takpan ang aking mga tainga ngunit hindi natigil ang paulit-ulit na boses ni Rhett sa aking isip.
It was like a broken tape. Ang aking isip ay huminto sa mga salita niyang iyon. Bawat kataga ay parang pilit na binibigyang diin.
I thought we were good,
I thought he likes me,
I thought he was willing to marry me ...and I am his girlfriend, was none of it real?
Ano ang lahat ng iyon? Did he just made me vulnerable just so he could hurt me...and shatter me for the worst?
My heart painfully constricted at my thoughts. Hindi ko inaasahang ganito kasakit ang mararamdaman ko nang marinig ko iyon mula sa kaniya.
Pinahid ko ang aking mga luha. Ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim habang pinapakalma ang sarili. Nanginig ang aking labi kaya mariin ko iyong kinagat. I was in front of our house now. Iniisip kung paano ko ba haharapin ang mga taong nasa loob.
Hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba ang iniisip ko ngayon.
If Rhett doesn't want to marry me, I should too, right? It was my first decision before. Ayaw kong makasal nang malaman kong siya ang lalaking itinakda sa akin.
Dapat ay hindi ko ibinaba ang sariling pader para sa kaniya. I thought I was strong...that I was unbreakable.
Parang unti-unti ay bumabalik sa akin ang pakiramdam na parang pinagkaitan na naman ng kaligayahan. Hindi ko alam kung paano nila nakakayanang saktan ako nang hindi ko namamalayan.
As I stepped foot inside our house, I was too confident. Too confident that I didn't notice Lola was there, watching me.
"Mommy..." I called her attention.
"Anak? Masyado bang malamig sa labas?" Her worried face came into view.
Naalala ko ang mukha niya noon nang sinabi kong papayag ako sa gusto nila. When I was willing to learn the household chores, I saw how she was so proud of me for doing that...pero tao lang din naman ako. Pwede akong masaktan. Pwede akong manakit. Hindi pwedeng ako lang ang nagsasakripisyo. Hindi pwedeng tagatingin lang ako sa masasaya nilang mga mukha.
I should be happy, too.
"'My..." nanginig ang aking labi, "I can't marry Rhett. Please, ayaw ko pong makasal sa kaniya..."
Mommy gasped. Agad siyang lumapit sa akin at hinawakan ako sa magkabilang braso. "Are you okay? Are you sick? Anak, bukas na ang kasal niyo."
"Ayaw ko po, Mommy..." umiling-iling ako.
"Iyan ang sinasabi ko sa'yo, Agatha! Hindi maaasahan iyang batang iyan!" It was Lola's angry voice which shook me. Nanginig ako sa takot nang dahil sa kaniyang sinabi.
"Ma, masama lang ang pakiramdam ni Syden. Magpapahinga lang siya."
"Hindi kayo nakinig sa akin. This girl is just going to betray you. Tingnan mo nga't umaatras na at balak pang pahiyain ang pamilya natin!"
"Ma, please, pagod lang si Syden." Mom cradled me in her arms. Pilit akong kumakawala at umiiling.
"Hindi ako pagod, Mommy. G-gusto ko na pong umatras. I want my freedom, please..."
Please...please listen to me.
I pleaded.
But no one seemed to listen to my cries.