I'm not eating a food for one week, one week had passed but still I'm grieving for my family. The three coffin infront of me, I saw my relatives grieve for my lost. How can I function when I lost the persons that I love? How can I survive when I lost my family? My family is everything I have. I still remember how they talked to me like they're saying their goodbyes. Is this it? Is this the meaning?
Kung nalaman ko sana na ganito ang mangyayari ay hindi ko na dapat sila pinapunta pa dito. But I can't predict what will happen in the future just like now. I feel lost, I feel empty all of a sudden. Nawala lahat ng nangyari samin ni Sky, siguro naging masaya na siya ngayon. Finally, he's fiancè is back. Is he using me? Am I one of his toys? Ofcourse Trixie you had sex many times.
Winaksi ko sa isipan ko yun at pinuntahan ko ang kabaong ni Kuya. Biglang nanghina ang tuhod ko, Inalalayan ako ni Chloe at Kian. They're with me when I want someone to lean on. Dahil ang taong akala ko ay dadamayan ako ay hindi man lang ako pinuntahan. Sino ka nga ba Trixie? Girlfriend ka lang at Fiancè niya yun, alangan naman ipagpalit niya yung Fiancè niya sa isang cheap na katulad mo.
"Kuya.." tawag ko sa kapatid ko.
"Diba sabi mo, reresbakan natin siya? Kuya sinaktan niya ako.." humagulgol ako. I can still remember how he say na reresbakan namin si Sky kapag sinaktan niya ako.
I still can remember the laughter we shared in that restaurant. Kung saan ko na feel yung saya na hindi matutumbasan. Pero hindi ko akalain na yun na pala ang huling halakhak ko kasama ang pamilya ko. I growned that we're closed together, sa kanila ko nararamdaman ang saya na hindi mapapalitan ng kahit anong materyal na bagay.
Hindi man kami mayaman, pero mayaman naman kami sa pagmamahal na binibigay ng magulang ko. After I talked to my brother in that coffin, I feel a little dizzy and before I know.
Everything went black...
•••
Nagising ako na nasa kwarto na ako, agad akong napatayo. What happened? Bigla nalang akong nahilo kanina at nawalan ng malay. Nakita ko ang private doctor nina Tita, kilala ko siya sa mukha pero nakalimutan ko ang pangalan niya. Kapag may nagkakasakit samin dito noon ay siya kaagad ang tinatawag.
Nakita ko ang dalawa kung kaibigan at ang Tita at Tito ko na nag-aalala sakin. Bumaling ako sa kanila.
"Anong nangyari?" Tanong ko.
"Hija, I will talk straight to the point.." sabi ng doctor. Kinakabahan ako sa sasabihin niya. Parang alam ko na pero ayaw tanggapin ng utak ko. This can't be!
"You're 4weeks pregnant.." sa ikatlong pagkakataon para ulit akong nabingi sa narinig ko. Hindi ko alam kung magiging masaya ba ako dahil buntis ako o magiging malungkot dahil walang ama ang anak ko. Ayokong lumaki siya ng walang ama, pero ayoko rin naman siyang maging anak sa labas. Ikakasal na ang tatay niya at ayoko ng gambalain pa sila. I'm done, I gave up.
Fighting will still be useless if I fight because I was just nothing compared to her fiancè. At naguguilty ako dahil hindi ako kumain ng isang linggo.
Sorry anak.. Sorry kung napabayaan ka ni Mommy. Kung alam ko lang sana ng maaga hindi sana kita napabayaan.
Tumulo muli ang luha ko. Wala na bang ititigil 'to? May luha pa palang tutulo sa mata ko? Sa kabila ng iniyak ko?
"Kamusta ang anak ko doc?" Tanong ko sa doctor. Nakikinig lang ang kaibigan at ang natitirang pamilya na alam kung masasandalan ko.
"Okay naman siya, but I suggest stop stressing yourself get a lot of sleep. At bibigyan kita ng reseta para sa kakailanganin mo.. hindi ka ba kumain ng isang linggo?" Tumango ako sa tanong ng doctor.
"Please eat a lot kahit wala kang gana para sa baby mo. Because if your stressing yourself too much, makakasama sa bata 'yan and there is a chance that you'll lose the baby.."
Nagpaalam na samin ang doctor at kaagad akong napasandal sa kama ko. Nakangiti ang mga kaibigan ko pero hindi ko magawang ngumiti.
I'm sorry anak.. Sorry kung hindi ka naaasikaso ni Mommy. Sorry kung nagugutom ka dahil sakin. Promise, gagawin ni Mommy ang lahat para sayo. Mahal na mahal kita anak.
••••
"Mommy? Are you fine?" Nabalik lang ako sa sarili ko ng marinig ko ang tinig ng aking anak.
"I'm fine baby, don't worry about Mommy okay?" I pinched her cheeks. She's the blessing that I want to keep, gustuhin ko mang ipakilala siya sa Daddy niya pero ayoko narin manggulo. Masaya na siguro siya sa pamilya niya.
After I grieve for my family that day I never saw him even just a glimpse. I never saw him even just for respect. I was mad at him that day, after I send my family for the last. I promise myself that I'll raise Desiree Kate alone without him.
Lumipad ako pa new york dahil may apartment sina Tita Angela dun. I stayed there for a mean time before I gave birth to Desiree. They were with me thru the years, they stayed with me in hard times. Noon ko lang narealize that I may lost my real family, I still have the second family and I found that in them.
Sa kalagitnaan ng pag-iisip ko ay biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko.
"Hello, Chloe?" Sagot ko sa kaniya. Kaka-uwi lang namin galing sa Fashion Week na naganap dito sa San Franscisco.
"Hi Trixie!" Maligayang sabi niya.
"What is it Chlo?" Naiinip na sabi ko. I heard her chuckled.
"I have something to tell you,"
"Yeah, spill it." Andaming pang sinasabi.
"I'm getting married Trix!!" Napaupo ako ng maayos dahil sa sinabi niya. Alam kung matagal na sila ni Christian which is Sky's bestfriend. I never thought that my bestfriend will be marrying the bestfriend of my ex.
"I'm so happy for you, Chlo!!" I'm really happy for my bestfriend. She's with me over the years, kahit nung naging sila ni Christian. She stay's with me no matter what and I'm thankful to that.
"You'll go to my wedding?" Tanong niya sakin. I can't say no because I owe her a lot and besides she's my bestfriend.
"Ofcourse, I will." Sabi ko. I've been very busy over the years. How years had passed? It's been 10years since I left philippines.
"OMG! I'm so excited, bring baby Kate with you ha?" Sabi niya. I know that, Desiree was never been in the philippines. Lumaki siya sa New York and kaonting tagalog lang ang nasasalita niya at naiintindihan.
"Sure," sabi ko. She bids her goodbye because she has something to do.
As I put the phone down my manager went to me. He's smiling like a big offer is yet to come.
"I have something to tell you, A big company that owns a lot of luxurios car is getting you as their model.." maligayang sabi ng manager ko. That's great we'll go to philippines because I need to attend Chloe's wedding and I have a offer, double purpose. I chuckled.
"What company is it?" I asked.
"RaCars Company.." yun lang ang ikli naman. I heard about their well-knowned luxurios Cars. They sell a lot of luxurios cars that a rich people can afford. I can buy a car but I'm saving Money for the future of Desiree Kate.
"Okay, when will it be?" Tanong ko sa kaniya.
"A week from now.. we'll just attend a party from Theresa Castillo the fashion designer, the one you model a gown." Sabi ni Kuya Rod. I nod to him. He's gay by the way.
"That's all? I don't have enough bookings?" I asked. I didn't continue my board exam but I'm painting if I have time and sell it.
"Yeah, because RaCars was paying you a big amount of money just so you can focus to them.." sabi ni Kuya Rod. What the hell?! They won't stop me for accepting an offer to be their model. Who are they anyway? I can decline there offer, I have a right anyway. And besides, I am the most high paids model, inshort pinag-aagawan ako ng nakararaming kompanya.
"No, You can still accept any offer that will come. They can't stop me for accepting offer, they not own me. Besides, I can decline there offer. It's not my lost anyway, it's them. So yeah, just accept.. it's getting late I'm sleeping. Goodnight," I said before giving him a beso and walk towards the room.
They're having me a hard time, who's the owner anyway? Well, I don't care...
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