Kabanata 21
If I Have Nothing
Ang ginawa kong paghalik kay Rhett sa kaniyang kaarawan ay mas nagbunga pa sa aking nararamdaman. After his birthday, I didn't want to face him. Ano ba naman kasing pumasok sa isipan ko at hinalikan ko siya sa pisngi? Although, I know that no one saw me do that, I am still filled with embarrassment. Hindi kasi ako iyong tipo na gagawa nang ganoon nang basta-basta na lang.
Pero tapos na iyon, ilang linggo na nga ang lumipas. Sa tuwing magkakasama kami ni Rhett kapag hinahatid niya ako sa bahay ay nahihiya pa rin ako. What does he think of me now? Does he think that I already had feelings for him that's why I kissed him? o Baka na-offend siya kasi ang bata ko pa para humalik sa kaniya.
Either way, I am still embarrassed.
"Where are we going?" I queried when I noticed that Rhett was taking a different route. Hindi iyon ang patungo sa bahay.
Napaayos ako ng upo at napalingon sa kaniya. I was tired from our class today, lalo na at nagkaroon ng drill sa University kanina.
"I'll take you somewhere," tugon niya sa akin. My lips protruded a bit but I didn't comment on it. Sumandal akong muli sa upuan at pumikit. Maaga pa naman pero dinadalaw na ako ng antok. It was probably because I binged watch a drama series last night. Hindi ko lang kasi mapigilang hindi mapanuod dahil napakaganda. Inumaga na nga akong natulog dahil pinagsabay ko iyong panunuod at paggawa sa aking parte sa PracRes namin.
Naramdaman kong tumigil ang kaniyang sasakyan. I also heard the turning off of the engine of his car. Dahan-dahan akong nagmulat ng mata at bumungad sa aking harapan ang isang establishment na may pangalang Dionysus.
Kumunot ang noo ko nang may makitang pagkakasulat doon. "Bar?" isinatinig ko iyon at nilingon si Rhett.
He was already removing his seatbelt. Nilingon niya ako. "Just wait here. I have to get something," aniya.
Pinanuod ko lang siyang umalis. He did not enter the front door. Sa may gilid ng establishment ay may parang pasilyo pa at doon siya dumaan.
After a few minutes, he went back with the case of his guitar. Bumalik siya sa kotse at inilagay muna sa back seat iyon pagkatapos ay pumasok na sa loob.
"Dito ang studio niyo?"
"No. This is where we do our gig. I forgot my guitar last night."
"Wala kayong gig ngayon?" I shifted on my seat and glance at him.
"Wala," was his simple reply.
Tumango ulit ako. Medyo naging awkward na kasi wala ng nagsalita sa amin. He also drove silently while a mellow music was resonating in his car.
Ilang minuto pa ay huminto kami sa isang mall. Akala ko ay diretsong uuwi na kami kaya gusto ko pa sanang umidlip. Rhett went out of his car and got his guitar. Lumabas din ako at nagtataka pa rin kung bakit kami nandito.
"We'll be serving as the front act of a local band." ani Rhett nang mapansin pa rin ang pagtataka sa aking mukha. Umawang ang aking labi pagkaraa'y ngumiti.
"I get to see you play?" mangha kong tanong. He curtly nodded at my enthusiasm. Gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa pero baka magmukha akong OA nang dahil doon.
We entered the back part of the mall. Hindi pala doon sa loob gaganapin dahil may malawak na parang ground sa labas at maraming tao. There was a higher platform upfront that serves as the stage. May nakasulat sa stage na DVN.
I don't know much about local bands, especially their genre. Pero ang makitang ganito karami ang taong nadalo sa isang local band performance, sadyang nakakamangha.
Rhett held my wrist when we passed by a group of people. Mas binilisan niya ang paglalakad kaya nagpatianod ako. There were barricades in the whole area and he managed to pass by one with a guard. Agad naman kaming pinapasok doon at may mga itim na tent. Pumasok kami ni Rhett sa isang itim na tent. Bumungad agad sa amin ang kaniyang mga kabanda na mukhang kanina pa nandito.
The guy with a faint blue eyes approached us. Naki-man hug siya si Rhett at nang makita ako sa likod ng huli, there was already recognition in his eyes. Mukhang nakilala ako nito mula sa birthday ni Rhett noong nakaraan.
"May kasama ka pala?" he asked Rhett while his eyes were trained on me. Mukha siyang may lahi kung oobserbahan ang kaniyang mukha pero hindi sa kaniyang pagsasalita. The way he speaks Filipino says that he's been living here for a long time.
"That's Boaz's sister, Syden," rinig kong pagpapakilala ni Rhett. Lumayo nang bahagya iyong lalaki sa kaniya at lumapit sa akin. My eyes widened a bit.
Naglahad siya ng kamay sa akin. "Hi, I'm Nixon but you can call me Eion." Then, he smiled. Napatingin ako kay Rhett. Nakita ko namang papunta na siya doon sa mesang nasa gitna at hindi pinansin iyong pagpapakilala ng Eion sa akin.
I timidly accepted his hand. It was a bit rough, maybe because he's in a band and he's always holding a guitar?
"Syden. Nice meeting you."
Sinipat niya ang aking mukha. Bahagya akong nailang kaya agad kong inilayo ang aking kamay sa kaniya. He chuckled lowly. "You're beautiful but you looked young."
"I'm seventeen." Agad kong sabi. Tumango-tango siya pagkaraan ay nilingon ang walang pakialam na si Rhett, he then looked back at me.
Magsasalita pa sana siya ngunit may lumapit ng isa pa sa amin. This time it was an olive skinned guy with dark eyes. Hinawakan niya sa balikat si Eion pagkaraan ay tumingin sa akin.
His stare was warm amidst his dark orbs. He had this badboy type of look while Eion looks like a lean boy next door. Naglahad din ito ng kamay sa akin.
"I'm Nile de Ayala. Syden, right? I heard about your case with Trance. It's time he experience hell." ngumisi siya pagkatapos.
Hindi ko alam kung giginhawa ba ako sa sinabi niya. The mere mention of Trance was a bit traumatic to me. The past few months, I didn't see him around the campus. Yes, he was kicked out but it doesn't mean that he can't mess with me or any of his victim. Wala naman siyang binalikan sa amin kaya pakiramdam ko naman ay safe na ako.
"Uh," hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Nakita kong lumapit na si Rhett sa amin at hinila ako palayo sa dalawa. I heard the two chuckled.
Pinaupo ako ni Rhett sa isang monobloc chair. Tumitig lang ako sa kaniyang seryosong tingin.
"Uh, is it okay that I am here? B-baka palabasin ako mamaya."
"Your pass is on me. Ibibigay ko sa'yo mamaya." tiim-bagang niyang sabi. Wala sa sarili akong tumango ngunit nakatitig pa rin sa kaniya. My eyes dropped down to his arms.The bracelet embraced his wrist perfectly. Lihim akong napangiti. Talagang bumagay iyon sa kaniyang kamay.
Nang tumagal pa kami doon, may dalawa pang lalaking pumasok. The other guy was holding a pair of drumsticks. Singkit ito at maputi. The other one has an olive skin too, just like Nile.
Nakita ako noong singkit sa gilid. He boyishly smiled at me. He came over at my direction and pushed his hand in front of me.
"Hi, I'm Crithos. I'm the best drummer in the world," ngumisi siya. His Asian eyes were attractive, even his playful voice. Mukhang siya iyong pinaka-approachable sa kanilang grupo.
"Self-centered ka kamo," I heard Nile said from behind. Mahinang tumawa si Crithos at napakamot sa batok nang tingnan ko lamang ang kaniyang kamay.
"You're supposed to shake my hand but okay. Pinsan ka ni Rhett?" aniya.
Pinamulahan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I think he's the only one who doesn't remember me. Naalala kong parang nakita ko naman siya sa party noon.
"Crithos, pissed off," malamig na sambit ni Rhett na nasa kaniyang gilid na.
Nagtaas ng kamay si Crithos. "What? She looks young, girlfriend mo?"
"Fuck off." Rhett cursed. Namilog ang aking mata sa kaniyang malutong na pagmumura. I didn't expect it from him!
"Crithos, tigilan mo nga kami. Ikaw nga pumatol sa mas matanda sa'yong gago ka." singit ni Eion.
"Tangina mo Callaghan!"
Nagtawanan sila. I think I had to put holy water on the cotton buds if I was to clean my ear. Nanulis ang aking labi. Rhett was shaking his head with a faint grin on his lips.
Tumigil ang tawanan nang may pumasok na babae. She had a walkie talkie in her hands.
"Absinthe? You'll be up in 5 minutes." at lumabas na ito.
They started fixing their things. Si Rhett na hindi umalis sa tabi ko ay kinuha ang kaniyang gitara mula sa kaniyang case. It was a different guitar from before, mukhang electric na ito.
Kinagat ko ang aking labi nang kinuha niya sa gilid ang regalo kong strap. He nonchalantly connected it to his guitar.
"Close your eyes." rinig kong sabi niya.
"Huh? Bakit?" salubong ang aking kilay. He gave me an arched brow. Sinunod ko na lang ang sinabi niya at yumuko. I heard some shuffling. Hindi na lang ako magmumulat hangga't di niya sinasabi.
"Open them now," it was my cue to open my eyes. Napansin kong nag-iba na ang kaniyang tuot na damit. It was a black shirt with a label 'Absinthe' on it in bold and capital letters.
Hinawakan niya na ang kaniyang gitara sa may pahabang hawakan na may strings. He gestured me to stand up so I did.
Nang pumasok ulit ang babae ay hudyat na iyon para lumabas na sila. Ibinigay sa akin ni Rhett iyong pass na sinasabi niya. I am not allowed to actually stay at the back but with this pass, I can freely move around the area.
A lot of screams were heard even from the inside of the tent. Iniwanan ako ni Rhett sa gilid ng babaeng sa tingin ko ay organizer.
Gusto ko sanang manuod sa may unahan para mas kita ko sila. Mukhang wala namang pakialam iyong babae kasi parito't paroon siya kaya naman umalis ako doon. Nang magsimulang tumugtog ay nakahanap ako ng pwesto. Rhett didn't even glance at the back stage so I think it's okay for me to watch from here. Mas nakikita ko ang emosyon ng kaniyang mukha mula sa aking kinatatayuan. Although a lot of tall people are here, I managed to see him.
Nasa unahan siyang bahagi at katabi si Eion. The two of them had a mic stand nearby. Si Crithos ang nasa likuran at parang trono ang drumset. Si Nile at ang lalaking hindi nagpakilala sa akin ay mayroon ding gitara.
Every hit of the drumsticks at the edge of the drums made an impact to the audience. Mayroong napapasunod at napapalakpak.
It was the fourth of July
You and I were
you and I were fire, fire fireworks
that went off too soon
And I miss you in the June gloom too
It was the fourth of July
You and I were,
you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
I said I'd never miss you, but I guess you'll never know
Where the bridges I have burned never really led home
On the fourth of July
Just by the mention of the fourth of July, I can't help but remember how I kissed him on his cheek. Although the song didn't really have that huge romantic kind of impact, the words seemed to connect to us.
We were indeed fireworks that worked off too soon. I was engaged to him at a young age, never really knew him too well and had a fixed hatred towards the memories of his words to me.
If it was in a different circumstance, would I be able to watch him this way? Kung hindi nga ba ako pinagkasundo sa kaniya, makikilala ko ba talaga siya nang tuluyan o mag-iiba kaya ang trato niya sa akin?
I listened to his cold voice soothing to my very core. I stared at the man singing in front of everybody with passion. With the intense beat, my heart can't helped but be in rhythm with it. Kinapa ko ang aking dibdib upang mas madama iyon.
I know, this isn't just a fascination to him, it was more than else. I like him. I like Atticus Rhett but isn't it too soon to like him?
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it
I just got too lonely, lonely, whoa
In between being young and being right
You were my Versailles at night
It was the fourth of July
You and I were
you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
That went off too soon
I said I'd never miss you, but I guess you'll never know
Where the bridges I have burned never really led home
On the fourth of July
They played three more songs and the people were all hyped up. May narinig akong nagsabi na ang mga kantang pinili nila sa opening act ay magaganda at napapanahon. Sa isip-isip ko ay napapangiti ako.
I don't know much about this band's journey along the years that their group was made but I think that they deserve the recognition and praises.
Bumalik ako sa likod. I was able to get inside again because I showed my pass. Nang papasok na sana ako sa tent ay narinig ko ang galit na boses ni Rhett.
"Where the fuck is she?" nang sumilip ako doon ay nakita kong namumula siya at nasa gilid iyong organizer na babae.
Hindi ko alam kung pwede ba iyong ginagawa niyang nagagalit siya sa babae. I entered the tent without permission. Napatingin silang lahat sa akin.
Ang nanggagalaiting si Rhett ay napatingin din sa entrada. His eyes widened and it turned cold once again. His jaw clenched before he stride away from the girl.
"Where the fuck have you been? Ang sabi ko diba manatili ka sa tabi niya?" galit na galit ang kaniyang boses. I can't help but flinch. Iba iyong galit niya kumpara noong kinompronta niya ako sa ginawa ni Trance sa akin.
He's like a bomb ready to explode more any minute now. Napaatras ako sa galit niya at nanliit sa sarili. A lot of people are here right now at pinapagalitan niya ako sa harapan nila. I can't help but felt pity for myself.
"Rhett, huwag mong pagalitan. She's here now," rinig kong suway ni Eion. Mas lalo akong napayuko. I really did ruin their mood, at nagi-guilty din ako kasi napagalitan niya iyong babaeng organizer na busy lang din naman sa kaniyang trabaho. She's not my babysitter at mas lalong hindi ko naman siya kaano-ano para pagalitan ni Rhett.
Hinawakan niya ako sa palapulsuhan at hinila palabas ng tent. Nagpatianod ako sa kaniyang mahigpit na pagkakahila sa akin. He didn't even look back when the guys called him.
Lumabas kami ng venue grounds. Dire-diretso ang lakad niya. Sa bawat yabag ay parang akong niyayanig nito. My heart thumped harder and it was a painful beat. He stopped walking when we reached his car. Pagalit niyang binuksan ang pinto ng kotse.
Ayaw ko ng dumagdag sa galit niya kaya tahimik at nakayuko akong pumasok. He angrily shoved the door close. Napatalon ako sa gulat. Sinundan ng aking mga mata ang kaniyang pagalit na paglalakad patungo sa kabilang banda ng kaniyang kotse.
"What the fuck were you even thinking going around like that?!"
"I-I'm sorry," kinagat ko ang aking labi dahil bigla itong nanginig. His voice was too loud and angry enough for me to feel scared. Isiniksik ko ang sarili sa gilid ng upuan.
"The fuck you're sorry! Sinabi kong huwag kang aalis. Ang tigas ng ulo mo!"
Naluha ako, marahil dahil sa takot at pagkakapahiya. He didn't even hesitate to scold me back there. Maraming tao ang nandoon. He didn't care about what I would feel.
"I-I'm sorry, g-gusto ko lang n-namang manuod..."
"You can fucking watch at the back stage, Syden Amaryllis! Hindi mo kailangang umalis! Tangina naman!" hinampas niya ang manibela ng kotseng hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa umaandar.
I sniffed and tried to control my tears. Nag-uunahan sila sa pagdaloy sa aking pisngi na oara bang tulo ng gripong naiwang hindi maayos na nakasarado.
Agad ko iyong hinawi pero hindi ako matigil sa pag-iyak. I thought I had enough of his anger when I was younger. But seeing him again getting angry because I left without him knowing made me realize that maybe he didn't like me at all. Hindi nga siya nagdalawang isip na pagalitan ako sa ibang tao.
Sinulyapan ko siya. He stared at me in disbelief when he saw my tears. Napapikit siya at tila nagpipigil. Panay ang kuyom ng panga at paghabol ng hininga.
His arms reached for me. Nahawakan niya ang aking payat na braso at marahang hinila. I gasped when my body just easily gave into him. Nagpahila ako sa kaniya hanggang sa nakita ko na lamang ang sarili na nasa kaniyang kandungan.
I continued crying like there was no tomorrow. Panay ang hawi ko sa mga luha at walang pakialam na nakikita niya iyon.
His arms wounded around me and pulled me closer to him. Nakaharap ako sa kaniya habang nakaparte ang dalawang binti. I looked like a child crying in front of him!
"Fuck, I'm sorry, baby." he whispered as he helped in wiping my tears. Nagbaba ako ng tingin at tumitig na lamang sa kaniyang dogtag na nakasabit sa kaniyang leeg.
"T-tama ka naman. I should have listened to you and just watched you from the back stage. I-I'm sorry..." suminok ako dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak. His palm reached my waist and held me sternly.
Hindi napigilan ng aking puso ang matinding pagkabog dahil sa kaniyang init na inihatid sa akin. My tears were all dry but I can't help but tear up again.
Ang kaniyang marahang paghawak sa akin ay hindi sapat para makalma ako. Kanina ay sa sobrang kaba ngayon naman ay hindi ako mapakali.
I tried to look at him in the eyes
Nang magtama ang tingin namin ay nandidilim ang kaniyang mga mata. He stared at my parted lips. Mas lalong kumuyom ang kaniyang panga nang pasadahan iyon ng kaniyang daliri. My lips quivered at the sudden contact.
His Adam's apple aggressively bobbed up and down as he swallowed. Humawak ako sa kaniyang t-shirt at mas lalong lumapit sa kaniya. My breathing hitched as I smelled his masculine scent. My eyes lowered and it was trained to his reddish lips. Pumungay ang aking mga mata, hindi alam kung tama bang naaakit ako sa kaniyang mga labi.
I have never kissed anyone. I wasn't acquainted with any boys so even a hold in their hand in a romantic way wasn't on my experience. Ngayon lang ako nahawakan ng ganito ng isang lalaki, and I never imagined that Atticus Rhett would be able to hold me this way.
Pumikit ako nang tumama ang hininga niya sa aking ilong. My lips parted automatically awaiting for that contact. Naramdaman ko ang paggapang ng kaniyang kamay sa aking likuran at itinutulak ako papunta sa kaniya.
When my quivering lips touched a hot and soft surface, my grip on his shirt tightened. Dampi lang iyon ngunit pakiramdam ko'y bolta-boltahe ng kuryente ang dumaloy sa bawat ugat ng aking katawan.
His lips moved. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin lalo pa't unang beses. His other hand held my nape and pushed my head closer to him. Mas lalong umawang ang aking labi. I felt him licked my lips in a manner that was so sensual for me. Sinubukan kong gumalaw pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya susundan.
When he gave distance to our lips, I took a deep breath. Halos maduling ako sa pagkakalapit naming dalawa.
"This happened too soon," he whispered and touched my lower lip. Tumitig siya sa aking mga mata. "Too soon, flower," makahulugan niyang salita ngunit ibinalik naman ang labi sa akin.