tw // heavy suicide mention
two months later
billies pov
"you have good taste eilish" reese says admiring the picture of Q i was showing her on my phone.
"oh shut the hell up" i say playfully before punching her in the arm.
i met reese about two and half weeks ago. we have honestly hit it off really well. we met while i was doing some interview, she was being interviewed right before me. i never heard of her but apparently she just started blowing up in the music industry and she had some song that was taking off.
i loved her style, she was really true to herself. she was also goofy as hell not taking the interview serious at all which i loved.
there was a little break in between mine and hers where she came up to me and told me she loved my music and since then we have just been really close.
"okay now show me your other ex" she then says.
i actually haven't brought up harper to anyone sience the day of the crash. no one has bothered to bring it up to me either, including the fans.
of course once in awhile there would be some dumbass TMZ article assuming some shit on why i unfollowed her but other than that it's been chill.
getting over her has been the hardest shit in the world though. but having supportive friends and family around me has really helped. and of course random hookups from time to time.
"ohhhh so you have really good taste eilish" reese says again taking the phone from my hand to look at the picture of harper. "why did you guys end things?"
"uh, she cheated" i say, my voice cracking at the thought.
"damn, so Q cheated on you with harper, than harper cheated on you? you gotta have some heavy ass trust issues after that" reese says trying to lighten up the situation.
"yeah, i think i'm done with relationships for awhile" i say watching her nod in agreement.
"anyways, you excited for tomorrow? big day!" reese then says changing the topic from the heavy subject.
"yeah but i'm nervous as hell bro. this shit is like my baby, i love the hell out of it and if people don't like it ima be pissed" i say talking about my album which comes out in approximately 17 hours.
"look, i've only heard four songs, but those four songs are some of the best songs i've ever heard. so if people don't like that shit something is wrong with them" she says with a big smile.
~
harpers pov
these two months has been the worst time of my life. ive barley have enough energy to even get out of my bed.
i spend my days stressing out about the future. my parents tried taking me to therapy but i won't go. i don't need therapy, i need billie.
it's not just billie that's making me sad though, i have no plans for college, no friends to hang out with, i haven't spoken with kaitlyn in awhile.
social media has just been terrible too. it's a constant reminder of billie. she's been blowing up a ton and her album comes out in litterly like two hours. also appearntly there's some new girl she's been hanging out with.
i don't bother going on my phone anymore, it was just making me feel worse.
i have nothing to look forward too, my parents try getting me out of bed even if its going out of lunch but i just don't simply have the energy.
i never imagined myself like this. i always loved being busy. i always had my schedule full and now i don't even wanna get out of my bed in the morning.
after i lost billie, i lost everything.
nothing really has meaning anymore.
nothing to look forward too. just stress.
i've been cutting, and i hate to admit that.
i started it about a month ago, my mom found out and took it really seriously but i promised her it was a one time thing and i'd never do it again.
that was only the beginning though, now my thighs and arms are covered with scars.
i don't even do it for the pain, or the blood.
i just do it because i'm to scared to actually take my life away.
the thought of killing myself scares me so much.
but the thought of living like this for the rest of my life, scares me more.
i glance at the ibuprofen sitting on the desk across from my bed that i've been using for my constant headaches.
i feel tears start to run down my face as i've never once in my life contemplated doing anything like this.
but here i am.
i lay my head back on my bed as i continue to sob.
"hey harper" i hear my dads voice say.
"hey" i manage to choke out wiping the tears from my face.
"you okay?" he asks taking a seat next to me on the bed.
i just shake my head no as i continue to cry into his chest.
"i'm so sorry dad" i than say, finally calming myself down a little.
"don't be sorry. you didn't do anything" he says giving me another hug.
"yes i did. i'm a failure. all i do is lay around and be sad" i say in-between sobs.
"harper it's okay. things are going to get better." he says softly.
"n-no i don't think so dad" i stutter. "can you just, im sorry. i just want to be alone right now dad" i tell him as he releases his grip from me.
"i understand. text me if you need anything" he says before leaving the room.
"hey dad?" i call after him.
"yeah?"
"i love you." is all i say.
"i love you too harper" he says with a soft smile.
i glance at my phone to check the time as i see a notification from spotify.
NEW RELEASE
Stream 'WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?', the new album from billie eilish.
i open up spotify and play the first track which was '!!!!!!' and smile a little at the opening track.
i stare at my ceiling as familiar lyrics from different songs start to play. she would often hum the tune or say a line and everytime i asked her to sing me one she would always reply with 'the night it comes out you can listen to the songs for the first time in my arms so i can see your cute ass reaction'
funny right.
my favorite songs so far were definitely wish you were gay or xanny. my strange addiction was great too. well they were all fucking great i don't know if i could pick one.
i finally reach ilomilo, playing the song as i smile through the whole thing. it was perfect.
okay i lied, i could definitely pick a favorite and its that one.
i wonder if she thought of me while she was producing it. probably not.
i look at the next three songs, listen before i go, i love you, goodbye. she told me she wanted to have a sentence like that in her album. she always loved when artists did that.
i decided to listen to i love you first as i've heard the live version many times.
the produced version was even better though.
i than clicked on listen before i go. every single word she sung was beautiful. she put my thoughts, my words, into song form.
it's like she was in my brain while she was writing this.
almost like it was written from my perspective.
i started to cry once again as i replayed the song. over, and over, and over.
i wish i could hug and kiss her. tell her how amazing it was, tell her how proud i am of her.
but i'll never get too.
and because of that, life doesn't feel worth living.
a/n-
thoughts?
sorry it's so deep lol
also i went back and read every comment i love u all sm🥰