"You're sure you got those letters figured out correctly?" Max asked.
"Yeah, I'm positive," Zeke said.
"All right, so if we put them all together the clue says 'Where lollipops reach toward the sky down to the ballpit turn your eye.' Does that mean anything to you?"
"Me? I have no idea. You're the one who lives here. Does it mean anything to you?"
"Let me think. Something about that sounds familiar. I feel like my annoying kids dragged me someplace with lollipops one time, but I tend to mentally check out whenever the wife forces me to spend time with the spawn. I feel like it was a park or something boring like that. Damn it, why can't he hide one of these clues in a bar of a strip club or even a bordello? Someplace worth hanging out in, you know what I mean? Also somewhere that I'm not likely to run into the wife or kids. They might be in that park right now for fuck's sake." Max let out a shudder.
"But you know where this park is?" Zeke asked.
"No I do not. Like I said. I really wasn't paying attention. But I do know it was back in town somewhere. So that's a start. Maybe we can ask around a bit on the downlow."
"Maybe Bobby might know," Zeke said. "He has to travel around the city a lot for his job. He probably knows exactly where it is."
"He might if he's not mentally compromised by raiding our booze supply."
"I thought you brought the booze with us in the canteens. Remember? We almost died of thirst?"
"I brought the booze that would fit in the canteens. There's still a lot left back at the rickshaw and it better all still be there when we get back or I'm going to be ticked off. I can tell you that."
"Speaking of canteens, don't you think we should probably fill them with water this time so we have a chance of surviving the trip back?"
"We could do that, but there's still a lot of booze in the canteens."
"We could dump it out," Zeke said.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Zeke. Obviously you're still a little delirious from dehydration. Never ever dump out perfectly fine booze. No, the solution here is obvious. We're going to have to chug it. Then we can fill the canteens with water. You want to take the one we already started and I'll down the full one?"
"Um, I don't really want to drink any booze at all right now to be honest," Zeke said.
"Are you getting soft on me or something? Fine, you wuss. I'll drink them all myself. Just give me a moment." Max tilted his head back and downed the contents of the first canteen. He gestured with his other hand for Zeke to give him the other canteen. He smoothly transitioned from one canteen to the next without any pause in the flow of alcohol. When both canteens had been drained dry, he dropped his head back to its normal position and licked his lips. "Ah, that's much better. All that water I drank was sobering me up too much. My body chemistry was getting all out of balance and that's never a good thing. You never know what sort of crazy thing I might do when I'm too sober, like order that rubber knife set off the television or propose to my wife. It's a bad scene, I tell you. Now anyway, why don't you fill these canteens up with water for us? Not because I like the stuff. It's gross. But even I have to acknowledge that it's kind of essential for survival when one is traversing a hot, dusty desert."
"Hey what are you guys doing?" a voice asked from behind them, startling Max and causing him to fling the canteens. They disappeared beneath the water several feet away.
"Felipe? What the hell are you doing sneaking up on us like that? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Because I'll have you know my fists are registered as lethal weapons. You don't want to be messing around with them, Felipe. I can't be held responsible for what they do of their own accord. They've put more than one fool into the ground. I can tell you that. It's tragic. Regrettable even, but those poor souls shouldn't have been playing with fire. Because you know what happens when you play with fire, Felipe? You get burned. That's what. Now go find those canteens you made me throw. And make yourself useful and fill them up while you're at it."
"Why did that guy you were talking to run off into the desert so quickly?" Felipe asked.
"What guy?" Zeke scratched his head. "Oh, you mean Dave? Wait, was his name Dave? Did he even tell me his name? You're talking about that guy I was just chatting with a minute ago who ran off into the desert, right?"
"Yeah. That's why I mentioned the part about him running into the desert."
"Oh, right. You did, didn't you? Yeah, that was Dave. Or at least that's what I'm deciding to call him. We were just having a nice friendly little discussion about, um, barnacles when he suddenly had some sort of bathroom emergency and excused himself and took off in a heap big hurry." Zeke cupped some more water into his hands and brought it up to his mouth to drink.
"Oh. That's a funny coincidence," Felipe said. "I just had a bathroom emergency myself a minute ago, but I just let it rip right here in the oasis."
Zeke spat out the water in his mouth and started coughing.
"Look, who cares about Dave?" Max said. "That guy's inconsequential to the matter at hand, which involves you retrieving our canteens, which you are completely responsible for us misplacing. Now go on! Vamonos!" He clapped his hands in Felipe's face.
"Oh yeah, I see them," Felipe said as he walked a few feet away and pulled the canteens out from under the water. "They're pretty much full already from being submerged. That worked out conveniently, eh? So what's the deal, did you guys find the clue to the treasure or what?"
"Do you doubt my investigative abilities?" Max asked. "Of course we did!"
"-N't" Zeke interjected.
"Huh?" Felipe scrunched up his face.
"We didn't find the clue. We looked high and low, but there weren't any clues anywhere. I think we misinterpreted the last clue all together. We're not supposed to be in the middle of this godforsaken desert. We're supposed to be back in town. Sorry for wasting your time, Felipe, but we need to get back to Quartzwater City post haste."
"Right, of course," Max said. "That's what I meant. By utilizing my keen detective skills I naturally sussed out that we were on the complete wrong track out here and I solved the riddle of where the next clue actually is and it's most definitely back in town. Not here. There never was any sort of clue out here to begin with. No sir. Talk about wild goose chases. This is an even bigger one than the time an actual goose stole my wallet and I had to pursue him halfway across town before single handedly bringing him to justice. That was pretty wild."
"Say, does anyone else hear that sound?" Felipe asked. "Kind of like a low rumbling? Is that thunder or something?"
"Yeah, I hear it," Zeke said. "It seems kind of steady to be thunder. And I think it's getting louder. Uh, is it just me or is there like a big old dust cloud off in the distance?"
"Uh oh," Max said. "I think we might be about to get caught in a dust storm. I've read about these things. They can whip up suddenly and then last for days on end. Also they can sometimes be powerful enough to rip the skin right off your bones, but I'm sure that's nothing to be worried about."
"I don't think it's a dust storm," Zeke said as he squinted his eyes. "It looks like there's some kind of object coming towards us. Like a big spinning disc or something."
"Wait a minute," Max said. "It's not purple, is it?"
"Yeah, it looks like it is. Why?"
"Damn it, I was wondering if this guy was going to show up. He seems to have a knack for making an appearance every time I find another clue."
"But you guys didn't find a clue, right?" Felipe asked.
"No, we didn't. So, uh, I obviously have no idea what this person is doing coming all the way out here for no discernable reason."
"Wait, what are you talking about?" Zeke asked. "Who is this guy? Why is he driving some weird disc through the desert really fast? Do you think he might give us a ride back? I don't really want to walk across that desert again if I don't have to."
"Okay, full disclosure, I don't have any idea who this guy is, but I don't think he's going to be amenable to giving us a lift. I do know he likes to dress in purple and he's got some kind of superpowers or something. One of which seems to be knowing when I've discovered a clue, whereupon he just waltzes right in and steals it. But the joke's on him because I don't know how he's going to steal what amounts to a lake bed. Plus, I've already committed the clue to memory, so fuck this guy anyway, right?"
"You mean the clue that you didn't find here?" Felipe asked.
"Of course I mean the clue that I didn't find here. What other clue would I be talking about?"
"Wait a minute, wait just a minute here." Felipe said. "You're telling me the next clue to the treasure is written on the bottom of this here oasis?"
"Shh! Keep it down," Max said. "There's lots of other ears around here."
"And the clue must have been pointing you back into town. That's why you want to go back there. And that must be why Dave left in such a hurry! But where in town?" Felipe began feeling the floor with his feet. "What do you know, it feels like there's letters on the floor here. Let's see what they say!" He started making his way across the water with astonishing speed. "Oh, wow! It says where lollipops reach toward the sky down to the ballpit turn your eye!"
"It says what?" asked a koala who was drinking some water nearby.
"Lollipops?" shouted a gazelle. "Ballpits! The next clue involves lollipops and ballpits, everyone! Lollipops and Ballpits!"
Suddenly it seemed like there were hundreds of people popping out of the water or from behind palm trees all shouting about lollipops and ballpits.
"God damn it, there goes our advantage!" Max groaned. "Why does some idiot have to keep blabbing out loud what the clues say? Granted, I may have been that idiot once or twice, but it still doesn't explain why it keeps happening."
"Don't look now, but it looks like your purple friend has arrived," Zeke pointed over Max's shoulder.
The purple vehicle came to a stop at the banks of the oasis in a cloud of steam. A door opened in the side and a figure dressed entirely in purple came stepping out. He stood still for a moment as if surveying the scene. Then he held out an open hand toward the water with his fingers splayed out.
"What does this punk think he's doing?" Max said as he absently sipped at one of the canteens. "What the-? This isn't booze. Oh yeah, we filled these up with, ugh, water. What a waste. Anyway, what was I saying?"
"You were asking what this punk thinks he's doing," Felipe offered helpfully.
"Right. He doesn't seriously think he's going to be able to take this clue, does he?"
The water started sloshing back and forth around them as the ground beneath their feet began trembling violently. Then they felt it starting to lift up.
"Apparently he does think he's going to take it. Abandon ship!" Max attempted to run away as the entire floor of the oasis broke free of the water. Then it tilted sideways sending everybody tumbling off of it. They splashed back into the water, which was now an ugly muddy brown color from all the sand that had been churned up from underneath the rocky ground that no longer rested at the bottom of the pool.
The former floor of the oasis hovered in the air for a few moments as the figure in purple studied the clue. Then he gestured with his arm and it floated towards him. He closed his hand into a fist and the clue shrank down until it was about the size of a brick. The figure grabbed onto it with his other hand and then whirled around and boarded his strange circular vehicle. There was a burst of steam and a deafening rumbling sound as the vehicle started back up. A moment later it was racing back across the desert in the direction of town, kicking up a large cloud of dust in its wake.
"That was really weird," Zeke said as he stood back up from under the water. "At least that dust cloud leaves a pretty clear trail. I doubt we'll get lost on the way back."
"Yeah, about that," Max said. "There's no real need to waste our time or energy crossing the desert again. I just remembered something. I happen to be in possession of a little shortcut, so to speak."
"A shortcut? What kind of shortcut?"
"Do you remember when we went to Bobby's bachelor party a few months ago?"
"You mean at that strip club? Yeah. I mean, kind of. I got sort of blackout drunk that night, so it's a bit hazy. Why are you bringing that up? What does it have to do with shortcuts?"
"Do you remember how we got in there?"
"That mad scientist friend of Dr. Octavius programmed a door that led inside it. But what good does that do us here?"
"Well, sometimes I need to make a quick escape from home without the wife knowing I'm gone, you know what I mean? And it just so happens I like to hang out in strip clubs. Since Lothar already had a door that went into Keith's Topless Valhalla, it wasn't that big of a deal for him to make a copy of it. Only this time I paid him a bit of floss to make me one of those doors that folds down to pocket sized."
"You mean to tell me you're carrying around a door in your pocket that will instantly take us inside a strip club in Quartzwater City?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Max winked.
"You don't think you could have maybe mentioned this earlier? Like when we almost died of thirst in the middle of a freaking desert? We could have zapped ourselves out of there and gotten some tap water! There was no need to risk getting filleted by cactus needles or drinking potentially tainted pears, which, by the way, we still might die from if sand weevils hatch in our intestines."
"Sorry, I forgot. I think I was getting a little delusional from dehydration. I wasn't at the top of my mental game and it slipped my mind. Besides, it's a one way door. If we'd zapped ourselves into the strip club back then, we would have just had to walk back into the desert again to look for the clue. It all worked out for the best, really. Now are we going to stand around here and argue about trivial could have beens or are we going to instantly transport back to civilization?"
"I vote for instant transportation. But what about Felipe?"
"You mean the guy who almost got us killed on the way out here and then told
everyone in a three mile radius what the clue we worked so hard to find said? Fuck him. He can take the long way back. Now let's go before any of these idiots make it back to town and start spreading the news even more."