Kurt's POV : March, 1990
It was just another night of hanging around. We weren't performing this weekend. I needed a break. Things were kind of crazy since we'd released an album. I'd been working almost nonstop. Every time I wanted to give up--and there were plenty of those times-- I'd think of her. Fuck, even after all these years I still thought about her way too often. The way she loved me and the way she hurt me more than I'd ever been hurt. It fueled my pain and my rage in my writing, my performing, all of it. If she thought so badly that I'd succeed then I'd show her. I'd fucking do it.
I wondered if she even paid any attention to my band at all. I wondered if she knew I released an album. A fucking congratulations would have been nice, considering she was so hell-bent on my success. Of course, I did tell her I never wanted to see her face again when I walked out on her. It wasn't true, of course. I wanted her more than anything. I could never stop loving her. It was completely fucked up, but I couldn't stop.
"You okay, man? You're pretty quiet," Dave, our new drummer, asked me. He hadn't been around long enough yet to know that I was quiet and moody most of the time.
"Yeah, I'm good. Just thinking."
"Well, don't think too much." He flashed me a grin. Dave always had an infectious sort of happiness around him. Somehow, ironically, it meshed well with me. And he was a killer drummer, which was absolutely what we needed.
The two of us decided to come out to a Mudhoney show together since we didn't have anything going on. Krist and Shelli were busy, so Dave and I came by ourselves. I figured it would be a chance to get to know him better, even though I honestly thought he already fit right in with us.
We stood towards the back of the crowd. There'd be people here who would recognize me and want to know about the band. I wasn't feeling like being that guy tonight. I needed a break. I watched as people filtered in. I recognized a few faces here and there--people I'd seen around, but no one I knew particularly well.
And then, for a second, I caught sight of something that made my heart stop. She disappeared into the crowd a second later and I couldn't believe my eyes. It couldn't have been Elizabeth. It had to have been my imagination. But I needed to know.
"Hey, I'm gonna take a walk for a minute. I think I saw someone I know," I told Dave.
"It's cool. I'll be here."
I crept along the side of the crowd. If it was her, I didn't want her to see me yet. I was not mentally prepared for this.
About a third of the way up, on the other side of the crowd, I spotted her again. And my breath caught in my throat. It really was her. Her hair was shorter and styled differently, and she looked much healthier, but there was no mistaking that it was her, beautiful as ever. My heart hammered in my chest. My stomach churned to the point I thought I might be sick.
She was talking to a guy with short brown hair. They were standing close. I wondered if it was her boyfriend. My stomach churned more, but I couldn't stop staring at her. She was facing forward. She didn't see me.
Suddenly, out of nowhere she spun her face around. When her eyes met mine, I felt an intense feeling spread all over me, and I know she felt it too because her eyes went wide. And she abruptly turned away.
Fuck, now what? I thought to myself. She had seen me. I couldn't let her leave without even talking to me. I kept my eyes on her. I saw the panic in her expression as she gestured to the guy. Then, she abruptly grabbed something from him and headed for the exit. I made a beeline to follow her, not caring as I shoved through the crowd.
I burst out the door to find her wandering down the street slowly, not so far away from me. I started running.
"Elizabeth!" I knew she heard me but she didn't turn around. "Elizabeth!" She stopped. "Please, can we talk?" I gasped, out of breath, as I caught up to her.
"What, Kurt?" She demanded, and I could see there were already tears welling up in her eyes. I didn't want to make her cry. I desperately wanted to take all of her pain away. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to take her home with me. But I couldn't tell her that.
"I wanted to say hello. It's good to see you." I fought to maintain my composure.
"The last time I saw you, you said you never wanted to see my face again." Her voice was defensive.
"I was angry. I didn't mean it." I fought very hard to keep my voice calm. I didn't want her to run away from me. Her expression softened a bit as she looked at me.
"How have you been?" she asked finally, making awkward conversation like we were only acquaintances.
"I've been okay," I answered. "My band released an album. I can get you a copy if you want."
"That's good news, Kurt. I'm so glad. I'd like to hear it sometime." I could tell she was choosing her words carefully and not really letting me in.
"How are you doing?" I asked her.
"Well, I'm on my last semester of college as an English major at UC Berkeley. We're just up here for the weekend because my boyfriend is writing reviews of some bands for a school project." Boyfriend. I felt even more sick.
"Wow, that's a long way to travel," I commented.
"He is really into a bunch of bands up here," Elizabeth answered.
"What about you?" I asked.
"Oh, I don't really get into music anymore," she answered, and there was a sadness in her voice. I felt badly for her. She always loved music when she was with me.
"Oh, okay," I answered. "Well, are you coming back to the show?" I asked.
"No, I decided to leave... when I saw you," she answered tentatively. "I told Craig I was feeling really sick, and I was just going to walk back to my hotel. It's only a few blocks."
"Would you at least let me walk with you to make sure you get there?" I asked. She paused and looked at me for a moment.
"Okay."
We walked side by side down the street. I offered her a cigarette and she took it. It almost felt like old times. Almost.
"You know. I just want you to know, Liz, that I've been working on music like you wished I would. I've been pushing for every opportunity. I want to be who you always wanted me to be." I struggled not to let my voice break at the end of my sentence as unexpected tears sprung to my eyes. There was a moment of silence.
"That's all I ever wanted for you, Kurt. I'm so proud of you." She turned and looked at me, crying now and staring at me with a look that held so much love and so much pain. I couldn't help but tear up too. I couldn't deny what we'd had. I couldn't deny that those feelings were still real.
"Can I hug you?" I asked quietly. It was probably a stupid question, but after a second she nodded and held out her arms to me, tossing her cigarette to the ground. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and she did the same. I suddenly felt more alive than I'd felt in years. A warm blanket of joy surrounded me. I felt her great, heaving sobs as she pressed herself against my chest. I cried too as I rubbed circles on her back, trying to comfort her.
"It's okay, Liz. I promise, it's okay." She shook her head, tears pouring from her eyes now.
"I was wrong, Kurt. I was wrong to send you away. And I thought I'd never have to see you again. But now that I do, I can't take it." She sobbed.
"Do I need to go?" I asked, fearful of what her answer would be. She violently shook her head.
"No, please stay." I kept hugging her as she started to calm down again. Finally, she looked up at me and I got a good look at her beautiful hazel eyes again. We just stared at one another. For a moment I thought she might kiss me. I thought about kissing her, but since she mentioned a boyfriend it seemed wrong, even though I wanted to so desperately.
Finally, she let go of our embrace.
"We should probably keep walking," she suggested.
"Yeah," I answered, still feeling floored about what had just happened. We walked in mostly silence. I felt my heart shattering at the thought of saying goodbye and never seeing her again. How could I let her just walk away?
"Here we are," she said, stopping in front of a large building with a revolving door out front.
"So," I said awkwardly, turning to face her. She studied me in a way that made me so nervous I was shaking all over. It was like she was trying to memorize me.
"Kurt," she said slowly. "Would you mind coming up with me for a little while. I don't feel like being alone." I was floored that she was asking me this. Yes, I wanted to go with her! I never wanted to leave her side.
"Of course I will," I answered gently, trying not to show too much enthusiasm. I knew the show would go on for a few more hours, so there would be time before her boyfriend got back. It felt wrong going to a hotel room with a girl who was staying with her boyfriend. But I didn't care, because I would have followed her anywhere.
We got off the elevator and she found the room and unlocked the door.
"Come on in," she said, flicking on the lights. There was a queen-sized bed and a chair in the corner. I opted for the chair.
"I can't believe you're really here," Liz said, staring at me as though I was a ghost or something.
"I can't believe you're here, either," I answered. "I think that's the bigger shock. I live here." I let out a small chuckle. A small smile spread across her lips. God, I loved her smile.
"Wow, this is so awkward," she admitted, staring at her hands as she talked.
"It doesn't have to be. Honestly. I am just so glad to see you." I tried to force a smile, but I know she knew it was fake. Tears started falling down her cheeks again. I hated to see her cry. I hated that it felt like it was my fault.
"What is it, sweetheart?" I blurted out without thinking.
"Will you come here, Kurt?" she asked, motioning to a spot beside her on the bed.
"Of course," I answered, walking over and gingerly sitting down beside her. Tentatively, I rested my hand on her back, rubbing small circles to comfort her. She cried a moment more before she turned to look at me, shaking, with tears in her eyes.
"I still love you, Kurt. I thought I didn't. I thought I had gotten past it. But I didn't. Now that I am here, with you, I just can't deny it." She cried again and this time I reached for her face to wipe away her tears.
"Listen," I said gently. "I love you too. I have never stopped loving you, Elizabeth." She stared at me and drew in a deep breath, then exhaled, her eyes locked in mine. When she leaned over to kiss me, I didn't stop her.
Her lips were on mine and my hands were on her face, and she started kissing me desperately, like she was trying to make up for all the years we'd been apart. Something in the back of my mind was telling me that this was very wrong, but I couldn't stop.
We finally paused from kissing, both very out of breath. She still kept staring at me like I wasn't real.
"You're so beautiful," I told her. "Even more beautiful than I remember." She smiled.
"You're even more handsome, too," she replied. "I like your shorter hair." I actually blushed. She scooted back and laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
"Will you lay with me, Kurt?" she asked. I was definitely crossing into dangerous territory now. But I could never resist her. I obliged and laid next to her, staring at the ceiling. She rolled on her side and put her hand on my chest, over my heart. I knew she'd feel it racing. I rested my hand over hers.
She kissed my cheek and then my lips as she pulled herself closer to me. Did she really want this? What about her boyfriend? I was panicking. I paused her for a second.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Elizabeth, you said you have a boyfriend. I just don't want to do anything you'll regret."
"I don't love him like I love you," she answered. "I forgot what it feels like to really be in love. I need you so much, Kurt." It was wrong, but I couldn't resist her. I kissed her lips and her neck and her collarbone. When she started pulling off my clothes I didn't stop her. I lifted her shirt over her head and took off her bra, memorizing how beautiful every inch of her skin was as I kissed it and she moaned softly just like she always used to.
Soon our clothes were gone and I was making love to her, giving every ounce of my soul to her, as we both gave in to something that we had long forgotten felt so unimaginably good. And when we were finished, I held her tightly, marveling in how perfect she was, only thinking about the pure joy of that moment, where the rest of the world didn't exist.
After a few moments of silence, Liz finally spoke.
"You should probably go, Kurt," she said. She sounded upset. Had we made a mistake?
"Okay," I answered, getting up and grabbing my clothes.
"I'm just worried Craig will get back soon," she explained, jumping up and putting her clothes on as well.
When we were dressed, she wrapped her arms tightly around me.
"I love you so much, Kurt."
"I love you too, Liz." I kissed her softly. "Are you okay?" I asked.
"I don't know where we go from here," she said. "I don't know what to do."
"Hey, it's okay. We don't have to figure all that out right now. Let me give you my phone number." I found a pen and a pad of paper, scribbled down my number, and she tucked it into her pocket.
"Okay," she agreed. She embraced me tightly. "I still can't believe it's really you."
"It's really me. I promise. I love you." I kissed her, realizing I didn't know when I'd ever get the chance to again. "I should go now, love."
"Wait one second," she said, grabbing the pen and pad of paper. "Here's my phone number, too. Just say you're in one of my classes if Craig answers." I took the folded paper and stuck it in my pocket.
"Okay. I really should go now, sweetheart. I love you more than anything." I gave her a quick kiss one more time.
"I love you always, Kurt," she answered, and I turned and left her hotel room, took the elevator and headed for the lobby.
I passed him--Craig-- as I was headed from the elevators to the door. He made eye contact with me. I felt sick.
I loved Elizabeth. I absolutely still loved her more than anything. But it had been years and we both had separate lives now. I wanted to be with her more than anything, but I was starting to wonder if I'd made a horrible mistake.
As I walked back to find Dave, my heart ached more than it had in years--because I had her, but I couldn't have her with me like I wanted. She had just cheated on her boyfriend with me and I had let it happen. She wasn't mine. She had a whole life without me. And I was worried that I might have just destroyed it.
Dave seemed like the type of person I could spill my guts to, so that's exactly what I did.