tw // suicide mention
harpers pov
i wake up to the sound of beeping machines, bright lights, and the smell of a hospital.
"morning harper" i hear a familiar voice say.
i smile to see my dad standing above me with a goofy grin on his face.
"you took a pretty hard hit" he says squeezing my hand. "mom and mac went home a couple hours ago to try and get some sleep. me and kailtyn decided to spend the night" he says.
"hey kaitlyn" i say as my dad helps me sit up on the bed so i could see kaitlyn.
"hey" she says tiredly.
"you look tired as hell dude. get some sleep" i than say as she lets out a small laugh.
"billie was also here, only for a minuite though. she just came in and gave me your phone" my dad then says interrupting me and kaitlyns conversation.
she had my phone?
"how did she have my phone?" i question.
"i'm not sur-" my dad begins before getting cut off my kaitlyn.
"she was the first person i called after of course 911 when we crashed. she went over and said something to you before grabbing your phone" kaitlyn says.
it was billie. i kinda remember the touch on my forehead now.
i simply smile at the thought of her, needing to see her.
"can i have my phone? i need to text her to come see me" i say to my dad.
"you suffered a pretty bad concussion harper, the doctor advised no electronics for at least five days" my dad said.
"i don't care, it'll only take a seconded, i just need to text her to come" i say not caring about whatever the hell the doctor had to say.
"fine, make it quick" my dad says reaching into his jeans pocket and pulling out my phone.
i quickly go to billies contact typing as fast as i can.
harper: hey baby i just woke up and i rlly wanna see u
! failed to send !
what? i have service?
harper: hey babbbyyy i jus woke up i miss u come see me pls
! failed to send !
"that's weird, my text aren't sending" i say checking again to see if i have service which i do.
i go to snapchat to see if i'm having the same problem, quickly sending a snap to billie.
harper: morning babyyy my txt arnt working but i miss u come see me
pending
she blocked me.
why?
i quickly check instagram just for me not able to see her page. she blocked me on that too.
what did i do?
"did you text her sweetie?" my dad asks obviously not liking how long i was taking.
"i, uh, she cant come" i quickly lie handing my phone back to my dad.
"oh okay. i'm sure you'll be able to see her later" he says before there is a knock on the door.
"hello, i'm just here to say now that harper is awake, she is free to go! obviously just know no electronics for the next couple days and if your ankle starts bothering you any over the counter pain meds will be just fine" the doctor says handing my dad a clipboard to sign.
"thank you doc" my dad says before he leaves the room.
"hey dad can you give me and kaitlyn a minute" i ask him before he nods and leaves the room leaving the two of us alone.
"throw me your phone, i need to text billie" i say quickly putting my hands out.
"she blocked me too. on everything. i already tried" she said her face not meeting mine. "zoe and drew too"
"what? why? what did we do?" i ask now panicking a little.
"i'm sorry harper, this is all my fault. i'm a fucking dumbass. the only reason you are laying in that bed is because of me" kaitlyn than bursts out, her eyes meeting mine.
"kaitlyn, it's fine. accidents happen. i was just as messed up to be letting us drive in the first place. but we are both okay now and thats all that matters." i say. "now i need you to take me to billies"
she simply just nods as i hear the door open and seeing my dad holding a pair of crutches i'm going to have to get used to.
great.
~
we pull up to billies house as kaitlyn waits in the passenger seat. i told her i'd text her if she could leave but i wasn't for sure if billie would even answer the door.
"hey harper" billies dad says with a soft smile on his face.
"hey, i wanted to talk to billie if that's okay" i begin before his smile disappears and turns into a confused look.
"oh, she actually left about an hour ago to the airport with drew. they are going to hawaii for a bit before tour" her dad says lowly. "she didn't tell you?"
"no" is all i reply with.
"also, maggie told me what happened. you okay kid?" he asks glancing down at my foot.
"oh yeah, i'm good. thanks. okay well, sorry to bother you." i say.
"no worries. see you soon" he says before closing the door as i walk off the familiar patio and back into kaitlyns car.
"i'm sorry" is all she says before the silent drive back to my house.
~~
i have absolutely no way of reaching billie. i've just been sitting in my bed thinking about it over and over.
kaitlyn has called and texted me numerous times but i don't have the energy to talk to her or anyone for that matter.
i've spent the last two hours listening over and over to the recording of i love you that billie sent me awhile ago, of course crying.
i finally feel myself close my eyes and drift into sleep before being woken up by a knock at my door.
"hey, how you feeling?" i hear my moms voice say as she sits next to me.
not good, but not for the reason she thinks.
"fine, just still really tired, sleeping off the pain meds still" i say lying.
"you look like you have been crying, you sure you okay?" she asks again.
"yeah i'm fine i swear" i say lying once again.
"i saw billie at the hospital" my mom then says making me finally sit up in my bed.
"okay?" i question wondering where she is trying to go with this.
"she seemed nice, very pretty young lady" my mom says making me roll my eyes.
"yeah she is" is all i know how to respond with.
"i actually saw her in the news this morning. something about up and coming artists and she was number one" my mom says with a light smile.
i just stare at her blankly.
"listen harper, what i'm trying to say is i'm sorry. i'm sorry for telling you to break up with her. i'm sorry for not being there for you all those years. after your accident it just really made realize how precious life really is and how at any moment it could end. so love who you want." my mom than says, a tear slipping down her face.
i've never seen her cry other than the time her mom died which happened when i was like 5. i honestly thought she wasn't capable of crying.
"thanks, i guess" is what i respond with, staring at her with disbelief. "but it's too late now"
"what do you mean it's too lat-" my mom begins.
"it's just too fucking late! your too fucking late! nothing matters anymore. just get out. leave me alone" i say, raising my voice a little higher than i meant to. "you already fucked everything up mom. don't try and fix our relationship now. it will never be the same"
she nods before getting up from my bed and leaving me alone in my room.
i just stared to cry again. i've cried so much in the last two days, i didn't even think it was possible.
i'm at my lowest i've ever been in my whole life. the only thing that made me happy, i lost.
the only thing.
i've never in my life felt suicidal, and listen i'm not even meaning to take it that far.
i just genuinely feel like i have nothing now.
i had everything i wanted, took it for granted, and lost it.
now i'm a complete mess.
i grab my phone which i wasn't supposed to be on, checking it for the first time sience i texted billie.
apart of me was hoping she unblocked me and texted me an apology or that it was all a joke.
of course, that wasn't the case.
the first thing i go to was instagram, where billies post came up.
it was her hugging drew in some pool than the next slide was her and drew jumping up and down dancing.
she had the biggest smile on her face.
i find myself smiling at her smile, only to snap back in into reality.
what used to be her with the biggest, goofiest grin on her face weather it was on facetime, or her making some stupid joke, me teasing her, her teasing fin, that she shared with me. is now being shared with everyone else but me.
she was so happy, while i was so, broken.
i check my tagged to only see a bunch of pictures of billies following which obviously showed she didn't follow me anymore.
i quickly turned off my tags, not wanting the situation to escalate. plus i know all the fans will take billies side. they did once before.
as they should.
i than go to my snapchat wanting to look at the memories me and billie shared. i wanted to see how happy i was, how in love i was. maybe it would make me feel better.
i cant imagine feeling what i did for her for anyone else.
right when i swipe up i see a picture of billie, her eyes were red, her mascara was running. she was obviously crying when she took it.
i loved you so much. i don't know what i did, was i not enough? was it something i did? why didn't you just breakup with me instead of letting me find out this way, while your laying in a hospital bed. thanks for the memories i guess. it was fun. i love you and i still do. i'll miss you. i'll never forget about you. i'm sorry i wasn't enough. hopefully kaitlyn will fulfill the needs that i couldn't give you.
i reread the message not once, not twice, but three times.
you didn't do anything billie, you were more than enough. you didn't do anything, it's what i did. i didn't mean for you to find out this way. kaitlyn won't fulfill my needs. she will never even come close to you. she was a distraction from what i knew had to be done.
i knew i was going to have to breakup with you which i why i don't understand why i'm hurting the way i am.
maybe it's because you thought i was cheating on you? i never got to explain, say a proper goodbye. maybe that's why it hurts so much.
and maybe a little part of me was hoping you would just shake me by the shoulders, look me in the eyes and tell me 'harper shut up we are going to get through this even if it means keeping us a secret from the entire world because i love you' but of course that wasn't a option.
if i knew how badly loosing you would make me feel, i don't think i would have done it.
god i'm so in love with you.
but your fine, happy, better now.
i'm happy your happy.
a/n-
yikes