Kabanata 18
If I Have Nothing
Sinubukan kong sulyapan si Rhett sa kaniyang ginagawa. He was surrounded with kids as he sat in front of the classroom. Nakaupo siya sa armchair habang ang mga bata ay halos manghaba na ang leeg makita lang ang kaniyang ginagawa.
I watched as his veiny hands circulated on a piece of paper. Sa muli niyang pag-aangat ng tingin ay nagsasalubong ang kilay, minsan naman ay nakakunot ang noo. Sa kaniyang harap ay ang batang si Nelly na nakaupo at mukhang ginawang modelo sa ginagawa niyang portrait sketch.
"Mukhang na in love ang mga bata kay Boy Lamig!" nang-aasar na sabi sa akin ni Juni. May ibang bata rin naman kaming kasama, pero mas nahuhumaling talaga ang iba kay Rhett at halos hindi na umalis doon. Some of the kids were on a different session. Minsan kasi ay nahahati sila sa iba't ibang parte ng Orphanage para matuto. Some were assigned in the church for bible reading, some were in the garden to plant.
"Hindi mo ba talaga iyan gusto?" kyuryoso niya pang tanong. I curtly nodded and smiled at Jojo who came to me. Binigyan ako nito ng bangkang papel.
"He's not that likable to me. A-at isa pa, mas matanda siya sa akin. I don't think we're compatible." Inilapag ko ang bangkang papel sa armchair at dahan-dahang iginagalaw.
I heard the 'wows' of the little children upfront. Nakatayo na si Nelly at tuwang tuwa sa ginawa ni Rhett. Kanina kasi ay humiling ang mga bata na kung pwede ay maidrawing ang kanilang mukha. I wasn't that good in sketches, neither is Juni but then I remembered that Rhett is an Architectural student. Nakiusap naman ako sa kaniya at buti ay pumayag.
I just smiled because even though he was a bit awkward with these kids who are strangers to him, he managed to make them smile and see things. Especially his craft.
Nakita kong kinuha ni Nelly ang sketch ng kaniyang mukha at masayang ipinakita sa amin. There was her face on a hazy sketch. Nagkasya ang kaniyang mukha sa papel.
Namamangha din ako dahil halos lahat ng detalye ay kuhang kuha ni Rhett. He managed to draw that art in just minutes. Sa bilis ba naman ng kamay niya kanina, paniwala na akong matatapos niya ang sketch sa maikling oras. I had to look closely at the sketch. There were still visible lines that I think he made for starting points. I am not much of an artist but as I see how he gave life on that sketch with that artistic shadings amaze me.
He managed to make portrait sketches to five kids before they could go to the chapel. Sayang-saya ang mga bata at kahit na sina Sister ay natutuwa sa kanila.
"Oh, ilalagay natin iyong mga mukha niyo sa pader. Ipapa-frame natin kasi sobrang ganda." Natatawa na si Juni sa mga bata. They gave the sketch paper to Juni. Ang aking kaibigan naman ay isinilid iyon sa brown envelope.
I checked the time on my wristwatch. It was already three in the afternoon and I already feel hungry. Pinakain naman kami sa orphanage, nga lang juice at tinapay iyon dahil hindi naman kami kasali sa budget nila.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Rhett. He noticed that I was checking the time too that's why he arched a brow.
"Magpapaalam lang ako kina Sister tapos tutulak na tayo paalis." sambit ko. Tumango naman siya at hinayaan na akong sumama kay Juni patungo kina Sister Martha.
"Balik ka sa susunod, ha? At huwag mong pababayaan iyang sarili mo Syden! Tingnan mo nga't nangangayat ka! Kumakain ka pa ba nang maayos?" utas sa akin ni Sister Martha at hinagilap ang payat kong braso. My blouse was a fitted one that's why she manage to suspect that I was thin as a stick.
Mahina akong tumawa. "Kumakain naman po ako, Sister! At busy lang po, hayaan niyo't magkakalaman din ako pagkatapos ng isang buwan dahil wala pang pasok."
Naiiling siya sa akin. Her aging face manage to broke out a dinky smile. Bumakas tuloy ang kaniyang wrinkles sa ilalim at gilid ng mata.
After a few talk, nagmano na ako at nagpaalam na aalis na. I also hugged Juniper and bid my goodbye.
Naabutan ko si Rhett na tumitingin sa mga litratong nasa maliit na bulletin. Noon pinapabayaan lang itong maexpose sa hangin, ngayon ay nakaglass na ito at pwedeng mabuksan kung sakaling may magdadagdag ng iilang litrato o palamuti.
Nakapamulsa at parang iniisa-isa ng mga mata ni Rhett ang nakikita. There were actually a lot of pictures there. Mula noong ipinatayo ang lumang paaralan hanggang sa naging orphanage na ito. Lumalawak nang lumalawak ang sakop ng bulletin sa paglipas ng panahon.
Napangisi ako nang makita ko ang litrato naming dalawa ni Juni noon. Parehong naka bestida at may bulaklak sa tainga.
I was five that time. Iyon ang araw bago ako kinuha nina Mommy sa Orphanage. There was actually a celebration that day. Juni and I participated as part of the program kaya pareho kami ng damit at kahit na ang bulaklak sa tainga. I remembered us singing and dancing to a children's song.
"No one knows about your parents?" basag ni Rhett sa katahimikang bumabalot sa amin. Napalingon ako sa kaniya. Nakita kong ang tingin ay nandoon pa rin sa bulletin.
Ibinalik ko rin ang tingin doon. "No. Someone handed me to Sister Martha saying she didn't know my parents either," bumuntong-hininga ako, "The giver said she couldn't provide for me either so she left me here."
"Do you have plans on meeting them?" Napalingon ulit ako sa kaniya. This time, he was already facing me sideways. Ang mga matang malalim at malamig ay nakatitig sa akin.
"Honestly?" my lips tugged at the corner, "I want to. I was abandoned and I have lots of questions. If there's a chance that I could meet them, I'll probably grab that chance." Tumingala ako sa iilang litratong nandoon. Years passed but the happy memories of my stay here are still vivid in my mind.
"When do you plan on doing that?"
Marahan akong umiling. "I don't have any resources. I won't use the Costello's money for that. I might...find them on my own. Saka na kapag...kaya ko na," unti-unti kong sinabi. Si Rhett naman ay nakatitig lang sa akin at parang binabasa ako.
Tinalikuran ko na siya. "Let's go? I'm starving."
I walked through corridor and I heard his footsteps, signalling that he was following me. Nang makalabas kami ay pinagbuksan niya ulit ako ng pinto. I can't help but sigh. Naninibago talaga ako sa turing niya sa akin kahit na matagal ko namang napapansin. Maybe, I just need to get rid of what Marriam said to me. Masyadong napag-iisipan ko iyon nang malalim.
He drove his car silently with an alternative rock music playing on his stereo. Napansin ko ang pagbagal ng kaniyang takbo kaya napalingon ako sa kaniya mula sa pagkakatingin sa bintana.
"Where do you want to eat?"
"Kahit saan. Pwedeng sa fast food na lang." I shrugged.
He ended up parking in front of a fast food restaurant. Magkasunod lang kaming pumasok. I told him that I'll be the one to order our food. Pumayag naman siya. He was too lazy to speak, anyways. Sinabihan ko na lang na pumili siya ng mauupuan namin habang nasa pila pa ako.
There were a lot of customers, dala na rin na Linggo at maraming nagsisimba kaya ganoon ang senaryong madadatnan. Marami iyong pamilya na umuukopa ng mahabang mesa. May mga magkasintahan din naman.
Ngumiti ako sa cashier na lalaki nang ako na ang sumunod na oorder. He was actually good looking and tall, too. He looks like he was about my age. He was also all smiles while he encode my order to the monitor. At noong marami ang aking kinuha ay nagpresenta pang tutulungan ako.
"Hindi na. I can carry this," ngumiti ako sabay kuha ng tray, "Babalikan ko na lang."
"Hindi okay lang talaga, Miss. May papalit naman sa akin." He charmingly smiled at me. Mukha naman siyang mabait pero ayaw kong makaabala.
Umiling ulit ako. Wala namang papalit sa kaniya at marami pang nakapila. I politely declined his offer again.
"What's going on here?" Rinig kong malamig na sambit sa aking likuran. My mouth parted a bit when Rhett's arm embraced me from behind. Naramdaman ko tuloy ang init niya sa aking likuran.
I was not even aware that he was behind me! Pasulpot-sulpot lang bigla!
"A-ah sir, tinutulungan ko lang si Ma'am. Madami kasing dala."
"Really?" I can't believe Rhett's tone. Lumabas na sarkasmo iyon at panunuya. Namutla naman iyong lalaki sa kaniya. I think he was as white as paper.
"Rhett, it's okay. He's trying to help." sabi ko para wala ng gulo. Naririnig ko na kasing nagrereklamo iyong sunod sa linya dahil bakit daw ang tagal.
"Ah, kaya naman pala ni Ma'am, sir," nagkamot pa siya ng batok, "Okay na po."
Ngumiwi ako. Si Rhett naman ay inalis ang pagkakahawak sa aking baywang at kinuha ang isa pang itim na tray na may lamang pagkain.
I was really hungry that I can't help but order many kaya naman dalawa ang tray para sa aming dalawa. Rhett carried the tray with ease while I followed him back to our table. Stiff na stiff pa iyong paglalakad niya na akala mo'y tinatakot iyong madadaanan niya.
"Did he gave you his number?" salubong ang kilay na tanong ni Rhett habang nakatungin sa aking tray na ibinaba. He was already sitting on a chair.
Kumunot naman ang aking noo. "Huh?"
Kinuha niya ang resibong nakalagay sa aking tray at binuklat sa akin. Indeed, there was a written number at the back of the paper. Malaki nga ang pagkakasulat kaya masyadong pansinin at parang rush pa iyon.
"Tss," malamig ang kaniyang tingin sa papel. Akmang kukunin ko na iyon nang tapunan niya ako ng matalim na tingin.
"What? I was trying to look!" angal ko at humalukipkip.
"You'll save his number? Tss."
Ano bang problema niya? Sumimangot ako at sinubukang kunin ang papel ngunit nilamukos niya na iyon at itinapon sa kabilang table na bakante at may natitira pang mga pinagkainan. I saw how the poor paper landed inside a glass filled with cold water. Lumutang iyon.
"Rhett!" I whisper-yelled. Naiimagine ko ng mukha akong dragon sa harapan niya dahil sa inis.
What if the cashier guy saw how he shoot the paper? Hindi naman sa gusto kong makuha ang number niya pero sayang naman kong parang ganoon lang na binalewala.
Tinaasan niya naman ako ng kilay bago siya tumayo.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Would you rather eat with bare hands?" he sarcastically retorted with sharp eyes boring on me
Napanguso ako. Umirap naman siya sa akin bago siya naglakad patungo sa utensil station. I also saw him pouring ketchup over a small round container.
Nang bumalik siya ay inilapag niya sa aking harapan iyon. I thanked him and started eating.
Panay pa rin ang baling niya ng tingin doon sa cashier. Hindi ko talaga alam ang problema niya sa lalaki. Surely, the guy was trying to be friendly, nagpresinta pa ngang tumulong sa akin kahit na maraming naghihintay na customer. I just think it's inappropriate kasi nga pwede namang magtawag siya ng ibang kasama para matulungan ako.
"Nagseselos ka ba?" I tried to joke at him. Nangingisi ako para epektibo iyong panunukso.
I got a glare from him in return. "I am not jealous."
Tumango-tango ako. "Sayang, I was really interested in him and I think he was interested in me too." napapanguso pa ako.
Mas lalo niya lamang akong idiniin ng kaniya malamig na tingin. "You're interested in that boy? Your types are really pathetic, then."
Namilog ang mata ko. "I think he's a good guy! Tinulungan pa nga ako."
"You're too dense when it comes to guys. He was trying to hit on you. He even secretly gave you his number."
Nagbibiro lang naman ako pero mukhang seryoso na siya. Hindi ba bagay sa akin ang nagbibiro? I may look approachable but I was really kind and friendly.
"May masama ba doon? I want to experience those kind of things before I get tied to you. Sayang naman." I munched on my fries. Nilingon ko pa iyong lalaking nasa cashier at nahuli pa ang pagsulyap nito sa table namin habang may customer na kaharap.
"Stop looking at him, flower. You're giving the guy false hopes." Nang nilingon ko si Rhett ay masama pa rin ang tingin niya sa akin. Really, if looks could kill, I'd probably be dead by now.
Nang matapos kaming kumain ay walang-lingong lumabas na kami doon. Rhett even had the audacity to hold my hand while we walk, gusto kong matawa. I don't get why he was so aftected with the guy. It's only natural that someone would approach me. Ang sabi nga ni Juni ay maganda naman ako at talagang malalapitan ng mga lalaki. Only if I took note of their efforts, I am sure I have someone with me right now.
Pero kahit ganoon, my engagement with Rhett will be pushed through. Sa batang edad, I don't I'd feel head over heels in love with someone that I'd fight him just to break free from this engagement. Walang pagmamahal na mayroon sa ganoong edad. It's purely infatuation, I might say.
Nagbubulag-bulagan lang sila kasi akala nila pagmamahal na iyong nararamdaman nila. Our emotions are playful and it could mask as something unknown to us. It could manipulate our weakness. Use it against us, then we do ridiculous things for it. Sa huli ay pagsisihan ang nagawang pagkakamali.
That's why whenever I think that I could fall in love, I didn't think I would feel it at a young age. At hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin iyon nararamdaman.
I looked at Rhett as he maneuvered his car into the high way. Ang nag-uumigting na panga ay masyadong pansinin. His cold eyes stared at the road.
Here is the man the man I am bound to marry. Looking at him now, I want to ask if it's possible to fall in love with him.
Makakaya ko ba? All my life I build up the hatred for him for everything that he said to me when I was younger. Ang mga salitang iyon ay nakakalason na kumalat na sa aking sistema. He made me believe that I got nothing, that I had no one else. He made me feel that I don't belong to his world.
Maybe I was, but here I am now. With him. Tied in a long engagement.
"Rhett," I called his name unconsciously. Nagulat ako sa aking pagbanggit ngunit huli na para mabawi iyon.
Lumingon siya sa akin. His cold eyes softened a bit. Parang bumalot iyon sa akin.
Nag-alinlangan ako at hindi alam ang sasabihin. It doesn't matter anyways.
Marahan akong umiling at tipid na ngumiti. "Wala, wala naman."
I guess, in the end, I am still a coward.