*Trigger warning: This chapter contains themes of suicide. Please take care while reading.*
The ride home was quiet and seemed to go on forever. Tomi drove and listened to Kendrick Lamar on low as they rolled out of the towering condo buildings of Downtown and into the looming project complexes deep in Fort Greene. Tomi drove with one foot tucked beneath her and the other controlling the brake and gas. Sidney hated when she drove like that and usually she would say something. But not this time. This is precisely why she hated receiving help from people. She felt like she was indebted to them. Like she couldn't be impolite and say what she really thought. Tomi helped her, and until she repaid her she had to make her feel comfortable and appreciated at all times. How messed up would it if she repaid her best friend for the money sitting in her purse by criticizing her driving?
Tomi pulled up in front of Sid's building and started to get out. Sid piped up and stopped her.
"I got it. Thank you."
"Are you sure? I can come up." She rested a hand on Sid's arm.
"No, I'm good. Thanks."
"Well, here. Take this." Tomi reached into the back seat of the car and pulled out a jean jacket. The temperature had dropped drastically since the morning and Sid's little sleeveless peplum top was doing nothing for her at the moment. She fixed the jacket over her shoulders.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. And Sid?" Tomi said, her eyes furrowed in worry.
"Yeah?"
"Look both ways before crossing the street. I mean, seriously."
"Screw you."
"Love ya."
"Love you too." Sid slammed the car door on purpose before hobbling up the walkway and into her building.
In the lobby, she pressed for the elevator and the light on the button came on which let her know that, by the grace of God, they were working. She just wished they hurried up. The thought crossed her mind that she did not want Phil, or anyone for that matter, to see her like this. She frowned at the thought. Who gave a damn how he saw her? The elevator rattled to a stop and the door opened in front of her.
"Disgusting." She said as she navigated her crutches around the puddle of urine that sat in the middle of the elevator. This was the phenomenon that annoyed Sid the most. Who was peeing in the damn elevators? When it's time to pee, every individual had two obvious choices. Find a toilet or go outside. In what universe, is peeing in an elevator ever a damn option? She held her breath. Breathing in someone else's bodily fluids made her feel like she was becoming septic by the moment. When the elevator stopped on her floor, the door had barely opened before she was out and rushing into breathable air.
Sid hoisted her purse back on her shoulder for the millionth time and steadied herself on the crutches. Her door was a few short feet away. Sid eyed her front door down the hall and her heart sank. Sid had received several notices in her life. She knew that as long as the papers and envelopes came on stock white paper she was fine. White paper meant that whoever she owed was just giving her a gentle reminder. Hey, remember that cable TV you watch? Yeah, you owe us a little bit for that. White papers meant time. However, when those papers began to reflect the colors of the rainbow, things were serious. Pink, blue and red notices meant that the time for reminders was over. Colored notices, like the tangerine-colored one on her door meant that her time was up.
The pain in her ankle was subdued temporarily by a rush of embarrassment and adrenaline. She snatched the notice off her door, quickly unlocked it, and slid inside to read her fate in private. She turned on a lamp in the living room and eased down on the couch. It was a notice to vacate. She had three days to pay the balance of the rent or leave the apartment. She hated this apartment. Really despised how they shut off the water randomly and without reason. Hated how roaches seemed to emerge from crevices that she didn't even know existed and would not cease no matter how much extermination she did. Hated how tiny and cramped it was, and that the only space AJ had to play was in a small square of space on the living room carpet. But the thought of no longer having it wrung her dry. The indignity of being homeless surrounded her even though it wasn't a reality yet.
Sid carefully folded the notice and placed it on the coffee table. Her shoulder ached. Her ankle throbbed. The lump on her head itched beneath the bandage. She was bruised and broken and..tired. The exhaustion of trying to keep it all together settled around her body like a straight jacket. The more she fought and struggled against everything the tighter it seemed to get. The bills got worse. Her job situation got worse. Her relationship...She felt that nagging feeling again that somewhere in a parallel universe another version of herself was living the life that was meant to be hers. The life where she and Aiden were still together. Where she didn't get pregnant in college but instead AJ came during a time when both Aiden and Sid's careers were thriving and they were able to usher him into a life of stability, privilege, and promise.
Not this shit. Not this mess of a life she struggled to create. That made it so much worse. This...this was her trying. This was her really making a go of it and it was the best she could do. This was all she could do. If this was it...
The purse slipped from her shoulder again and bounced slightly on the couch before toppling onto the floor. The contents lay scattered across the carpet. Her broken and out of service cell phone. Her discharge papers. The family-sized bottle of Tylenol Tomi got her from CVS under doctors orders. The incessant throbbing at her shoulders and ankle reminded her that she should probably take those. She grabbed the pills and went into the kitchen. After filling a glass with water she shook out two pills and swallowed them down.
Take as needed for pain every 6 hours.
She took a sip of water. She felt like she was still hurting all over. Physically and emotionally. Her thoughts tormented her. The reality of that notice on that table and what it meant rocked her. As hard as she tried to hold on every day, every moment of the past few years... she'd failed and it was likely she'd be on the street with her child because of it.
Sid sat, her hip resting on the window sill, and opened the pill bottle again. She slid another chalky pill into her mouth and took a sip of water. She needed help to keep her place. Tomi had just given her a job and slipped a few bills in her palm with no strings attached. She wouldn't dare ask her. Her mother was good for it, but completely out of the question. Her help would come in the form of a lecture that would no doubt end in her offering for her and AJ to move into one of the many rooms in her gaudy house. She could not. Would not. She wished her dad were here. He should be here. Then most of this would never have happened. It was painfully unfair. Her breathing was starting that shaky descendant into madness and Sid tried to keep her anxiety attack at bay. But it was no use. The thud. The scream. Her father's hat abandoned on the platform.
She shook another white tablet from the bottle. Her hand trembled as she popped it in her mouth. The failure that was all around her. Those perfect grades her dad always wanted? She got those. College? She was at the top of her class all four years. And she was in love. So in love with her high school sweetheart. Her best friend since kindergarten. That beautiful brown boy that her father teased her and told her she would grow up to marry. Well, they weren't and Sid knew Aiden held most of the blame. All of it...almost. But on those days when she teetered on the edge of being honest with herself, she suspected it had to be something about her. Something that told him it was okay to break her heart. She really wasn't able to pinpoint what was wrong with her but she knew it had to be something. And she hated herself for allowing that broken part of her to peek through enough for him to see it. When you hold everything else constant the truth came out.
Sid didn't imagine life would be like this but if it was...she didn't want to do this. Just didn't have it in her. There was nothing left. Absolutely not have another year, let alone another decade, of toughing it out left in her. She twisted off the cap to the Tylenol bottle and this time threw it to the side. The pills all tumbled into her hand with a tilt of the bottle. She was excited and she felt bad for that. Her mother would be pissed with her but what was new? Her sister would have a rough time but she was strong. Tomi believed in reincarnation and would look for her in butterflies and dogs for years to come.
AJ. Her perfect little boy. He'd be better off.
She lifted her hand toward her mouth.
As the first pill tumbled onto her tongue, five rapid gunshots rang out causing her to jump. The tablets rained from her hands and scattered all over her kitchen floor.
"What the..." She scurried over to the window and looked down. From the ninth floor, Sid could see the neighborhood for miles. She could already hear and see the police sirens in the distance closing in. Someone was screaming but she couldn't see them. It was probably around the front of the building and her windows only faced the back alley. But in the darkness below she saw movement. Someone was moving quickly through the alley. His gait, although hurried and clumsy, was still noticeable. His hoodie and fitted cap was a dead giveaway.
"Phil." She whispered as she watched him. Was he hurt? Stumbling to the back alley after being wounded? Her heart sped up a bit for him but he was moving too well. Too fast for someone who'd just been hurt. Her face pressed against the metal window guards as she watched him. He looked around wildly before striking toward the sewer grate. He pulled it from the ground and slid the book bag off of his back before shoving the entire thing into the ground.
Siren pierced the air as the police arrived at the building. An ambulance pulled up a moment later. Phil looked down the alley at the same time Sid did from her window. The cops were entering the alley. She grabbed at the window guard, somehow trying to tell him they were nearing but he knew. He was already settling the grate back into its place before he took off down the alley in the opposite direction and out of sight. The officers flicked on their flashlights, just missing him, and shined them down the dark space. Satisfied that no one was there they retreated back around front where those screams were still echoing from.
Before she knew what was happening, her flats were crunching over the pills on the kitchen floor as she made her way toward the front door. She wanted to move faster but between her sprained ankle and a sudden onset of lightheadedness, she was surprised she was even upright. She held onto her head and plowed toward the front door. She pushed her crutches under her armpits and swung her way out of the door, down the hall and onto the elevator. Her fingers pressed for the second floor instead of the first floor. The police would be swarming the first floor. On the second floor, she exited the elevator and crashed into the opposite wall. Her head spun from the pain and nausea crept up the back of her throat but her feet kept moving. She must've looked like the walking dead as she navigated her way to the staircase that led out of the back of the building. She hobbled down the last flight in the dank stairway before easing the back door open. She threw a crutch in the door as it closed behind just to make sure it didn't slam shut.
After a cursory glance down the alley, she beelined it for the grate. Sid dropped down to her knees as her hands clamped around the dirty metal grate. She pulled. It came free easily from years of being used as a stash spot. She yanked at the book bag with her good arm and fell back on her ass when it popped free.
"Ugh." Her entire body ached and begged her to lay the hell down somewhere but she couldn't. If she could get enough to pay the back rent and satisfy a few creditors she could literally buy herself the time she so desperately needed. Phil wasn't desperate for cash. She'd seen the wad of cash he carried around on a regular. Besides, he could always just sell more drugs.
Sid rallied and got to her feet, hoisted the heavy bag onto her good shoulder before hop-running back to the door. She pulled her crutch free and slid back into the dimness of the stairwell. She stopped to listen. It was quiet except for the crackling radios she could hear from the lobby. The thought of the cops finding her with a little drug money scared the crap out of her and gave her the next push of adrenaline she needed to make it back up to the second floor and back on the elevator that was still sitting there. Gunshots and police activity kept everyone in their apartments and she was grateful.
She barely breathed until the bag hit the floor of her apartment with a thud. Sid soon followed as she slid to the floor next to it.
"Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit." She repeated over and over as her chest heaved from the exertion. Her stomach cramped and tumbled in her abdomen. She reached over and unzipped the bag. A gun tumbled out. Sid skidded away from it. She never saw a gun up close. She could smell the gun smoke lifting off of it. Oh no. She focused back on the bag and saw just what she was hoping for. A little sliver of green peeked out. She slid it back over and opened it more.
She hoped that going down there she would be able to grab enough to pay her way out of the hole she found herself in. Instead, what she found was enough to fund a small village. Sid's head swirled again before she felt the contents of her stomach working it way up her throat. Sure to avoid the backpack, she heaved all over the floor, little tiny pieces of the pills she consumed seeped out all over. She watched the pool of stomach contents spread as her vision darkened and she passed out.
Sid has a bag full of cash. My how things have changed! What will she do with it?