I held Rick tightly, afraid that if I let go, he'd disappear like in a dream. I didn't release my grip even as he laid me down on the bed. We were so hungry for each other that tore our clothes off like we were a couple of adolescents and began to make love in silence, not saying anything because there was no need.
When we finished, he rolled over on his side, pulling me with him, "God I've missed you," he said, "I've been waiting for you to get here, what took you so long?"
"I needed to take my time. The closer I got to New York the scarier it became. There were a couple of times when I wondered if I should turn around and head back." I pushed myself up on one elbow, "When I hit Chicago, I realized that this was real, that I was leaving my old life behind. I took a few days, bought a winter wardrobe, then got in the car and decided there was no turning back. I wasn't leaving home; I was going home."
I know he doesn't get this. Rick makes a decision then that's it. No wavering or deliberating, in true Capricorn fashion his mind is set. Me, even after considering all angles and all sides I still hesitate, not sure of what I should do. Capricorns likes to run things and he forgets he doesn't make my decisions for me--I'm not Elizabeth. I love him, I do, but I think it's best that he's with someone else because we'd be butting heads a lot. Taurus versus Capricorn, hard to tell who's more stubborn.
"Well, I'm here, aren't I?" I tell him, "I kept my word and I'm here."
He kisses me, "Yes, you're here, finally. I've been waiting..."
"I know," I interrupt, "I had no way of getting in touch with you otherwise I would have called. Oh, and thank you for the stuff you got me. That boom box is going to save me, I really miss my stereo. I love that armoire and I'm going to pay you back."
"You don't pay back gifts. I'm glad you like it, I wondered why you chose a place with so little closet space."
"Because the moment I saw it I fell in love. I walked in here, Rick, and I swear I'd come home. I've never even seen any place like this, let alone have the chance to live in it. When I walked in, I knew this was meant to be mine.".
I needed to change the subject and saw no other way but to plunge right in, "Tell me, how are the plans for getting the band back together, are things coming together?"
"I knew you were going to ask me," he sighed, "Things are going slow. I'm gigging with Richard and after the new year Levon and I are going to do some dates. We're pretty sure it will happen, Garth said he's on board. We've got commitments to fulfill then we have to take care of the legal stuff, and then there's rehearsing and figuring out our sets."
"And booking dates, I know. How many times have I watched this happen when you were with the band, then your solo gigs? I was just hoping that this would happen sooner. Has Robbie given his okay?"
"We haven't approached him yet, we wanted to make sure this would be possible. We're pretty sure he will give his okay, no reason for him not to—it's not like we're asking him to join us."
And if he doesn't, I thought, if he even dares say no, I'll fly back to California and do everything I can to change his mind. He must understand that they need this. Breaking up the band benefitted no one but him and he knows it. I understand why, after a fashion, I think he needed to get away but the others paid the price. If I have to fuck him again, I will, although I don't really want to.
"How's Richard doing?" I worry about him, Richard is fragile, any stress could break him like glass. I know that he'd sobered up but he wasn't in therapy or even AA. Richard needs support, not the party atmosphere of touring. I heard him say once that he was the party and I was afraid that if he didn't get help—soon—he was going to fall off the wagon. I don't see much hope for Richard.
Rick doesn't believe me. "He's doing all right, he's still clean. Why don't you believe he'll be okay?"
"He has death in his eyes," I said as Rick narrowed his eyes at me, "He's like a hothouse flower, you have to take care of him. He's not strong, Rick, you know that. All those years of drinking and the drugs have taken their toll on him, physically and emotionally. I think he's going to relapse and if he does, you're going to lose him."
"Dacy, you're crazy. I know you worry about Richard but I can't believe he'd kill himself, if that's what you mean."
"Alcohol's a depressant, a powerful one. He's been drinking for so long it's going to take years for his body to detox, if it can. He told me that he had an enlarged liver and he hoped that quitting would get it back to normal. He needs help and he won't get it—it scares me. AA is no substitute for a therapist who specializes in treating alcoholics, but he'd get support there from people who've been there. I have an alcoholic mother; I've seen this before. If things don't go the way he hopes he could break down and start drinking again. And his new wife isn't good for him—she didn't exactly discourage his alcohol and drug use, now did she?"
"Don't borrow trouble, Dacy, Richard will be fine. You had an awful time with your family and you let it cloud your judgment. If Richard has problems..."
"When he has problems, not if, Rick, when. Richard's grip on life is tenuous, you can tell by the hurt in his eyes. I'm afraid you're going to lose him." Tears were forming in my eyes and Rick held me closer.
"I didn't come here to discuss Richard, things are looking up, you'll see. Levon and I will do our shows and when we're done, we'll get the band ready and tour again. We've put out some feelers and have an idea where we'll start. It's going to be all right, you'll see. Have some faith."
I let him hold me and I nod my head. Sure, everything will be fine except that it won't. My sixth sense is buzzing and I want to tell him to convince Richard to check into treatment and stay until he gets his act together. I don't care if he has to go into debt, I just know he needs it.
"I love you," I tell Rick, "I'm so glad I'm here, I couldn't bear being away from you."
This is what he wants to hear, not my warnings about Richard. I don't know if he's paid attention to anything I told him. He's going to lose Richard but he's too stubborn to believe it.
He goes to the bathroom to clean up. He's going to leave me to go home to Elizabeth like always. Some things never change but I've made my choice.
He comes out of the bathroom and scribbles some words on a piece of paper. "Here's where I'm playing this weekend. Elizabeth will be there but Richard will be glad to see you. Levon and Butter may sit in too—Lee's been asking when you're going to get here. Just ignore Butter and you'll be okay." He kisses me then nuzzles his nose in my hair, "I've missed you so much, sweetheart, I was afraid you'd change your mind and stay in Venice."
I nod, tears welling in my eyes, I wonder why I'm so damn emotional. He wipes them away with one of his long fingers then kisses my forehead and disappears out the door. Just like old times.
The next day I get the name of Kat's hairdresser and have her cut my hair to just above the middle of my back. She foils it with red and gold highlights and I look at the new me in the mirror. The bangs are the same but highlights play up my eyes. I want to look different; I need to look different and the stranger staring back at me in the mirror is comforting.
I ask Kat to come with me and she says yes, she knows the bar where they're playing. I dig out the dress he bought me for the Last Waltz, not worn since that night. I wear my new velvet jacket and put on the little diamond star necklace he bought me.
Kat's wearing a black angora sweater and red jeans and looks very fetching. We take my car and drive to the bar he's playing at in Woodstock. There are quite a few cars in the parking lot, so I can feel safe and hidden in the crowd.
He must have told someone to look out for me—I'm on the guestlist with a "plus friend." We get our hands stamped and go inside the bar and order drinks only to find out someone's paid for them when I try to pay.
The boys come on stage, Rick looking around and not for Elizabeth who's near the front. He gives me a smile when he sees me and I hope Elizabeth doesn't see. Other than that, I'm enjoying myself, I haven't been out in a long time and it feels good to be noticed. It doesn't take long for Kat and me to be asked to dance and I try to keep my mind off the guy on stage who's watching my every move.
When they finish their first set Levon comes and gives me a big hug. "Purty as ever," he says and gives me his toothy smile. I introduce him to Kat and he makes a big show of kissing her hand. Richard comes over and gives me hug but Rick stays a discreet distance away; every so often he catches my eye and gives me a meaningful look. I'm happy we came, if I had any doubts they've disappeared.
We leave before last call and I allow myself one last look at the bar as we drive off. Kat looks at me, then says, "I can see life is not going to be dull with you around. Just think, when my husband returns, I'll have to go back to being a boring married woman."
"Not so boring," I reply, "And you're lucky you're married to him. I have to share Rick with her, it's not always a lot of fun."
"Ever think about trying to break them up?" she suggests.
"Nope, I made a promise when we first got together and I'm keeping it. I think that would be the death of our relationship if I even tried. I think my karma's bad enough, I lost a kid and now I can't have any. Better to just leave things alone and get out if I can't take it."