Kabanata 13
If I Have Nothing
Hindi ko alam kung magiging masaya ba ako sa magiging desisyon ko. After that chaotic night, I told my parents that I am pushing my marriage to Rhett if it means that Kuya Bo could keep his inheritance. Marami silang naipaliwanag sa akin, including the one Rhett was talking about, na mayroon din akong manang makukuha kapag natuloy ang napagkasunduan.
The Vasilievs are their only trusted friend that's why I was arranged to Rhett because he was their eldest. Walang tutol doon sina Tita Aleah at Tito Vladd dahil ganoon din naman ang nangyari sa kanila but still, they ended up loving each other.
Pero hindi naman palaging ganoon ang mangyayari. Hindi ko kayang mahalin si Rhett lalo pa't nakaukit na sa akin na hinding-hindi kami magiging pwede. He hates my existence, I hate him for being unfair to me. Hindi na magbabago iyon.
But now, the thought of me marrying him, I couldn't even make out the image. Isang araw na magkasama kami ay hindi na nga namin makayanan ang isa't isa paano pa kaya ang iilang taon?
I can't imagine being stuck in such arrangement.
"When you reached the age of eighteen, at exactly your birthday, you'll be wedded to Atticus Rhett Vasiliev as what the agreement says. Boaz will immediately get the company under his name, and that thirty percent of the shares will be given to you." The family's lawyer stared at me as he put down the piece of paper on top of the coffee table.
"You know what the consequences are, Miss Costello?" he asked thoroughly. Dahan-dahan akong tumango.
"You'll be tied to someone you do not love. You're seventeen, do you know what you're doing?" he asked me again.
"I do. I owe them everything that's why I am doing this, to pay back."
"You're sacrificing your freedom to love?" sinipat niya akong mabuti.
Tumango ako. "Love coming from them is enough for me to live."
Bumuntong-hininga ito at agad na ibinigay sa akin ang papel. I skimmed through the paper until I saw my name. I got his pen and signed the paper. Parang isang pagmamarka iyon sa aking isip habang tinititigan ko ang aking pirma sa papel na iyon.
"There is no annulment or divorce on this one. You can't get away from it. That's the condition Ansela made for this agreement aside from the arrange marriage," aniya nang ibalik ko sa kaniya ang papel.
I know. That's why I know that I am already at my defeat. Hindi pa man ako nakikilala ni Lola Ansela, malaki na ang galit niya sa estrangherong sasampid sa kanilang pamilya. She didn't want the riches of the family to be tainted.
When the lawyer shook hands with me, the door of my father's office opened. Pareho kaming napalingon doon.
Bumungad sa amin si Daddy at Grandpa. The latter smiled at me when I stood up from my seat. Ang abogado ay inililigpit na ang mga gamit.
"Mr. Costello," the lawyer greeted and shook hands with my grandfather. Nasa tabi lamang aki at nanunuod. "The contract has been signed by Miss Costello."
Tumingin sa akin si Grandpa. Tumango naman ako bago nag-iwas ng tingin.
"Syden, there's no turning back." aniya sa akin. I nodded with conviction.
Everyone has been telling me that there's no turning back in this decision. Alam ko naman iyon. Hindi biro ang pinasok ko pero paninindigan ko iyon para sa pamilya namin.
Oo nga't mahirap magsakripisyo, pero ang makita ang pamilyang tinanggap mo na nahihirapan ay isang masakit na kaganapan para sa akin. I never wanted to bring chaos to their life, at kung ang pagpayag ko lang ang makakaayos noon, gagawin ko.
I excused myself and I let the three of them talked in the office. Si Lolo ay naabangan kong papunta pa lang sa office ni Daddy. They are the heads of the company. Sa kanila na nakasalalay ang pangarap ni Kuya.
Nang pababa ako ay nandoon sina Mommy kasama na ang iba naming kamag-anak sa receiving room. Lola was the only unhappy person in the crowd.
Natatandaan kong tumutol siya sa pag-ampon sa akin. She really didn't want a stranger to be a part of her family that's why she hates me for all these years. Tanggap ko namang hindi lahat ay makakatanggap sa akin kaya tumigilnna rin naman ako sa paghahangad na magugustuhan ako ni Lola para sa pamilya.
"She'll only get the money and run away, Agatha. Hindi niyo ba naisip iyon?" it was Lola who said that. Natigil sa pag-uusap sina Mommy at napatingin sa kaniya. Hindi pa nila ako nakikita dahil bigla akong nagtago sa likod ng dingding.
"Ma, hindi ganyan ang anak ko." I heard my mother said.
"Anak? Hindi mo iyon anak, Agatha. Hindi lumabas ang batang iyon sa sinapupunan mo kaya huwag mo siyang tawaging anak." Nanlumo ako sa sinabi ni Lola. Bakas ang galit sa kaniyang tono. Sandali akong sumilip sa nagaganap.
My mother was standing. Sa kaniyang likod ay si Tita Klara na nakahawak sa balikat ni Mommy.
"Mama, tama na iyan." boses ni Tita Klara iyon.
"You brought that stranger here, paano na lang kung lokohin din kayo sa huli at kayo pala ang ginamit? Tuso ang mga iyan. Hindi mo sila mapagkakatiwalaan. Nagpapakitang-tao lang ang taong katulad ng batang iyon!"
"Ma, tama na! Syden is not like that! Mabait na bata ang anak ko. Ako ang nagpalaki at tumayong ina niya kaya kilalang-kilala ko ang anak ko, Ma. And to even hear it from you, hindi niyo alam kung gaano niyo ako nasasaktan dahil sa mga pinagsasasabi niyo sa anak ko," Mommy cried.
"Lyco and I loved Syden so much even though we knew what will happen. Hindi kami naging makasarili sa kaniya at tinanggap namin siya nang buo. She accepted and loved us, too. She tried her best to be one of us, carrying our family's name. She tried her best for you to like her for the family. Ginawa ng anak ko ang lahat pero ang ginawa niyo ay pinagmukha niyo siyang hindi katanggap-tanggap sa ibang tao, Ma. I thought you could change. Nagbulag-bulagan ako. I let you harm my child and taint her mind. You hurt her emotionally. Hindi niyo alam kung gaano niya kagustong magustuhan niyo siya. Clearly, your mind was close for that."
Sumilip ako at nakita ko si na hawak ni Tita Klara. Lola was standing in front of her while my other relatives are watching. Ang mga nakakatanda kong pinsan ay nakatingin lamang, nanunuod.
Pinili kong magpakita at bumaba ng hagdan. When they heard my heavy footsteps, all of them had their eyes on me.
"Syden..." Mommy called. Agad siyang lumayo kay Tita Klara at lumapit sa akin.
"I do not mean any harm to all of you," panimula ko. "Ang pangarap ko lang naman po noon ay magkaroon ng totoong pamilyang tatanggap sa akin. Mom and Dad and Kuya is enough for me, but for all of you to accept me was an overwhelming feeling. Lola," humarap ako sa kaniya. Mommy held my arm gently.
"Naiintindihan ko po na hindi niyo ako matatanggap para sa pamilyang ito. I also understand that you think of me as a stranger. Pero hindi ko na po ipipilit ang sarili na magustuhan ninyo dahil alam ko pong hindi ko naman mababago ang pananaw niyo sa akin," huminga ako nang malalim at inilibot ang mata sa natitira pang mga kamag-anak na naroon. I saw my Grandma smiled at me, as if urging me to speak my thoughts.
"The love I received from my parents is enough for me to live. Sa kanila ko gustong ipakita na nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat, sa kabila ng kasunduan. I am not after your money, or the inheritance for that matter. Ang gusto ko lamang po ay pamilya at pagmamahal. Hindi po ako naghahangad ng ibang bagay maliban doon. Kaya pasensya na po kung mananatili ako sa pamilyang ito. I'm sorry that you had to endure my presence, but I am staying here, as a Costello and no one could change that."
Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap sa akin ni Mommy. Tita Klara smiled as if proud of my words. Nanatiling nakatayo si Lola at masama pa rin ang tingin sa akin.
"You are just saying that because we are all here," She looked away. "Kapag wala na ang lahat, sigurado akong tatakbuhan mo rin ang pamilyang ito. You can do that. Hindi mo kami kadugo kaya ang pagmamahal na sinasabi mo ay hindi totoo."
"Nagkakamali po kayo." I calmly interject as I looked straight at her. "I lived all my life trying to find a true home, oo nga po't galing ako sa ampunan at may mga nag-alaga sa akin, pero hindi po sapat iyon para mapuna ang pagkukulang na nararamdaman ko. The love I have for this family is true, and even if you hate me, Lola, I can't help but love and care for you as well. Alam ko pong hindi niyo nakikita iyon, all you see in me is that I was a stranger, a thief, that wants to steal something from this family."
"Talagang hindi ko nakikita ang sinasabi mong pagmamahal dahil hindi nga totoo iyan. And you are right. You can't change my mind."
"Ansela," it was Grandma who interjected. "The child is genuine and sincere. Hindi mo nakikita ang pagkakamali mo sa pagtatanim ng galit at puot sa batang ito. We all love Syden. And hearing you say that, I think I have made a mistake accepting you as my in law."
Sumama ang timpa ng mukha ni Lola. She glared at Grandma and to all of us. "Nalason na kayo ng batang iyan! I cannot accept this!"
"Hindi pa ba sapat na walang lusot si Syden sa kasal na ikaw mismo ang nagpatupad?" ani Grandma.
Natigilan doon si Lola. "Hindi sapat iyon para mapagtanto niyang hindi siya nababagay sa pamilyang ito. Clearly, that girl is a thickfaced, sacrificing for money." Umatras si Lola ng isang hakbang bago kami tinalikurang lahat.
Even at her walk out, she stride with pride as if nothing could change the way she looks at me. Walang pakialam si Lola sa nararamdaman ko. To even think that she put the marriage in the agreement, it all seems that she wanted me to suffer, forever.
"I'm so proud of you, anak. Mahal na mahal ka namin." Mommy whispered.
Pagmamahal, iyon ang tanging nagtulak sa akin para pirmahan ang kakarampot na papel na iyon. Because of love, I sacrificed my future. I sacrificed my liberty to freely find the man that I will love for the rest of my life. Dahil sa pagmamahal sa kinalakihang pamilya, matatali ako sa puder ng lalaking hindi ko naman ginusto simula nang makilala ko siya.
I never wanted to hate Rhett. I just hate how he's being unfair to me. Siguro kaya hindi niya ako gusto kasi sa simula pa lang ay alam niyang matatali siya sa akin. Kaya siguro gusto niyang mawala ako sa puder ng mga Costello ay dahil ayaw niyang makasal din sa akin. I'll be his wife for the rest of his life. He won't enjoy being a bachelor or even play with girls' hearts. His youthful days will be over once he is tied to me.
"Syd," pinukaw ni Kuya ang nakatulala kong pigura. Mula sa pagtanaw sa bintana kung saan nagsisiuwian na ang aming iilang kamag-anak, nalipat ang aking atensyon kay Kuya.
He was standing at the door, eyes filled with worry. Ngumiti ako sa kaniya upang maibsan ang pag-aalala niyang iyon.
"Pasok ka, Kuya." I told him and went back to my bed. Dahan-dahan niyang sinara ang pinto at umupo sa aking tabi.
"I'm sorry..." panimula niya. I nodded because I understand where he's coming from.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked.
"I am not always sure about my choices, Kuya. Pero dahil mahal ko kayo, gagawin ko ang lahat. I don't want to see you struggling to get the position you want in the company. Ayaw kong pati ang pangarap mo ay babalewalain lang dahil sa isang kasunduan. If I had to sacrifice for you, I will. Pinangarap ko ang ganitong pamilya kung saan may magmamahal sa akin, it's time to get back at you."
"Even if it means you can't get the freedom to love someone whom you really like?" agap niya.
I chuckled softly. "Kuya, I don't like someone, at all. Wala na ring nagbabalak na manligaw sa akin sa school. They think I am too superior to them kaya balewala na sa akin kung sakali mang makasal ako sa kung sino. You said that...I could learn to love...Rhett. Madali akong matuto."
"Syd, hindi mo alam iyang sinasabi mo."
I know. Rhett and I, we're like oil and water. We don't mix at all.
"Marriage is a serious matter. I trust Rhett because he is my best friend but..."
"Sinabi mo na, Kuya, kaibigan mo siya. You trust him. We may not love each other in the end but I hope we could be civil to each other in this marriage."
Bumuntong-hininga siya. "If only, I could replace you."
Tumawa ako. "You want to be married to Rhett?" I tried to joke to ease the tension.
"Silly," ginulo niya ang aking buhok, "Ayaw kong maranasan mo ang ganoong klaseng relasyon. Marriage for convenience, I think it's more for me considering that I get along with a lot of women, I could make them somehow fall for me. Ikaw, hindi ko alam kung kaya mo ba talagang magustuhan si Rhett kahit na mas natanda siya sa'yo. I always think that you are suited for someone who's your age."
"Wala naman tayong magagawa, Kuya," I sighed. "Besides, I already signed the contract. All I have to do is get along with Rhett for this arrangement to work. Ayaw ko kayong biguin lahat kaya, Kuya, sana pagbutihan mo ang pamamahala sa kompanya. Don't let my sacrifices go to waste."
Kuya Boaz genuinely smiled at me. Hinawakan niya ako sa balikat at hinila upang mayakap.
"We love you, Syd. Always remember that. Hindi namin intensyong saktan ka, o gamitin ka sa bagay na ito. It's just a fuck up situation and I hope I could change it. I hope that you won't be stuck in such arrangement where you're not happy with the path you chose. Ipapangako kong babaguhin ko iyon para sa'yo."
Gumanti lang ako ng yakap. Walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat. Mas lalong wala akong kamalay-malay sa mga susunod pang mga araw.
I didn't want to think about it anymore. I just want to go with the flow. I just to go on with my life like none of this ever happened. At kapag darating na ang araw kung saan, itatakda akong matali kay Rhett, magiging handa ako sa dapat kong harapin.