I stare at myself in the mirror.
My colourless face, my dark circles, my chapped lips. The girl looking back at me doesn't look like the girl in the pictures taped up on the wall.
How did this happen?
How did I go this far and not once see the signs?
How could I have been so stupid?
-
I checked my phone for the fifth time since I got here. I can't get ahold of Harry even though he practically demanded me that I had to come. There's this feeling of uneasiness inside me. Why would he want me to cone to this stupid frat party if he's not even going to show up?
I walked around and found Lili sitting with Cole in the front living room. When I started walking towards them, people looked and then whispered. Do I have something on my shirt? Is my outfit gross? I want to throw up. I hate this feeling that I'm getting.
When Lili saw me approaching, there was a look in her eyes that scared me. Her green eyes were darker, wider and glossier. What is going on?
She sucked in a breath, "I need to tell you something."
-
Why did he make this life feel like such a dream? Why was he my dream?
What kind of sick game is he playing? I am so angry.
I grab my keys and storm out the door. God knows where I am heading but I sure as hell hope it's as far away from this godforsaken place as I can possibly get.
The rain hits my face as I step out of the building, I would normally run but today, the rain is going to keep me safe.
-
"You're scaring me." I said to Lili as she took me up to Harry's room.
She unlocked the door and pushed it open.
"Where is he?" I asked the second my eyes scanned the room and realised there's no one in there.
She shut the door behind her.
"I am telling you this because you are my best friend. Not because I want to hurt you. But it would be so wrong of me to know what I know and not tell you."
"Tell me what?" I pressed.
I balled my hands into fists, trying to prepare myself for whatever Lili was about to tell me.
"Cole walked in on Harry yesterday." She started, she was easing into it so she didn't hurt me too fast. I knew that.
"Cole walked in on Harry doing what?"
I held my breath.
-
I don't know where I am. I don't recognise any of these buildings. I don't know how long I have been driving.
Tears are fighting to fall but I'm fighting back. Harry isn't worth crying over, I should have known better.
I keep asking myself how I didn't know, how I couldn't tell something was up. I felt it but I didn't believe it to be true. I just want to scream. I'm so angry at Harry, at myself, at this stupid world.
After everything.. all the times that I told him I trusted him. He still went and broke all of the promises he made me.
Everything was a lie.
Everything is a lie.
My phone keeps ringing.
Where am I?
-
I already knew what she was going to say.
But I prayed that this one time, it wasn't true.
"Harry.. he was with another girl, her name is Sabrina, but they were..." she trailed off with tears of her own filling her bright green eyes.
"Tell me you're lying."
"I wish that,"
"Tell me it's not true!" I cut her off.
"Ari," she caught me as I collapsed to my knees.
"Why me, why me, why me," I cried into her arms.
"I am so sorry."
-
I don't know how I ended up at this lake. I don't know how I found it.
I remember parking my car and walking. I went into the tree line, thinking it could clear my head and the deeper I went, the less I remembered.
And I want to forget everything.
I want to forget the way he stared at me during class, how he watched me from across the room, how he held my hands at the frat house.
I want to forget him.
I want to tell him that I never want to see him again.
But how can I say goodbye to the person who makes me feel so safe and so at home no matter where we are?
Fuck you, Harry Styles. Fuck you.
Is this what he meant? Did he not fucking think? Did he not think about me?
-
"Harry, no, you can't talk to her. She doesn't want to talk to you." Lili told Harry for the third time this week.
I had been hiding in my bed when I wasn't in class or at work.
Lili and Cole sat in between Harry and I during class so I wouldn't have to.
Rose found out and she told me she wouldn't let Harry leave the bakery side. The bookshelves really worked as a shield to keep me from seeing Harry.
"Please, Lil, just this once." He pleaded with her.
He won't win.
"No, Harry."
"Why not?" He shouted.
He had no right to be angry.
"Because you've already done enough damage. How much more do you want to break her?" She slammed the door.
I let out the breath I had been holding and cry, for what feels like the hundredth time. Lili crawled in bed with me and held me.
What did I do to deserve this?
-
The rain finally stopped and the sun broke through the trees. The warmth hitting my skin and reminding me that I am still here.
I'm so angry. I'm angry because he knew I trusted him. He knew I found safety in him. Yet, he went and screwed some girl.
How stupid am I? My first relationship and this is how it ended up. Was it even a relationship? It's funny really. I really thought that Harry was different, or that it would be different. I should have known it would have ended likes this.
But were we ever really together? We never made it official but we sure did act like it. The amount of times I slept over at the frat house just because he wanted me to sleep next to him.
All the times we went to dinner and saw movies.
All of the kissing and hugging and deep talks and free-falling moments.
I met his mother.
He really does not think his actions through. He just wants the high of the moment, he doesn't want it to last. He doesn't want it to settle. I always felt high with him, why didn't he feel the same with me?
Is this what he meant when he confessed to me he doesn't think about how his actions will affect people and he told me sorry in advance?
I stare at the lake, it's cleaner than most lakes back at home. The water looks clearer, not muddy looking.
I stand up and take my shirt and shoes off before undoing my jeans. I pull my hair out of the bun it is in. To be honest, it should now be considered my signature look. Every since the frat party, I don't have the energy to do anything with it.
Just as I am about to get in, I hear a branch snap. My heart starts to pound as more start breaking. My nerves start to tingle and I slow my breaths to maintain my composure.
Chills run up my spine when my name rolls off his tongue.
"Ariana?"
"Leave me alone," I turn around to face him.
His curls are messier than ever and he's still wearing his all black attire.
"Please listen to me."
I laugh, "Listen to you? Go fuck yourself, Harry."
"I know you hate me, I don't blame you," he steps closer.
"I trusted you, Harry!" I scream at him.
"I'm sorry, Ariana."
I look at him. His eyes are red like he's been crying, he has bags underneath his eyes, he looks sick.
Is he in pain? How can he be in pain when he is the one who caused all of this?
"You're sorry because you got caught." I spit.
He sighs and looks at me before looking over my body. I am reminded that I'm standing in my underwear in front of the boy who broke my heart.
He takes off his shirt and hands it to me, not saying anything. I quickly put it on and let it fall to my thighs.
"Please hear me out, baby." He speaks softer.
I stare at him, unsure of what to do, but shaking with anger.
"Just sit and listen. If your mind doesn't change or you don't believe anything I say after I talk, then I'll let you go. But I will never forgive myself for letting you go without trying to fight for you first."
I sigh before I sit on the grass and wait for him to start talking.