"Oh, my gosh."
I pushed him away immediately as he loosened his hold on my waist. He looked away and bit his lower lip. I could see the instant regret in his eyes for kissing me. Kissing me! He kissed me! He suddenly kissed me, and I closed my damn eyes!
"Oh my god," I whispered again, stepping away from him, holding my lower lip with my thumb.
I looked at him, who was still leaning against the wall with his hands inside his pockets. He couldn't look at me now. He licked his lower lip and swallowed hard without saying anything. He looked like he was stopping himself from saying anything.
"You.., You're really unbelievable!" I gasped dramatically before marching away from him so fast I bumped into Raylee on my way down the stairs.
"Hey, what's wrong?" She held my arm in concern when she saw my face. "Do you want to go home na? Are you okay?"
"Yes, I want to go home now, Raylee," mariing sabi ko.
She furrowed her brows in confusion, but she still nodded and went with me downstairs so we could find Michel. I was looking around consciously just to see if Clyden was following us. When we saw Michel and Elle, we bid our goodbyes before leaving the house. Good thing Raylee was already sober, so she drove for me.
My mind was so clouded and confused the whole ride! I kept on touching my lips with wide eyes while looking outside the window. I knew Raylee was already getting weirded out because of my silence. Hindi naman ako ganito katahimik.
Did he just kiss me? I mean, it wasn't my first kiss since I already dated a lot of guys before, but this was the only time I got so weirded out and confused! What was that kiss for? Gusto niya ba 'ko? Oh, my gosh. I couldn't stop thinking about it. The kiss replayed inside my head. It was more embarrassing that I even closed my eyes for him!
"Seriously, are you okay?" Raylee asked for the fifth time since we left. "Did someone violate your personal space back there? Do you want me to turn the car around and give that man a smack?"
"Have you ever been kissed by a man you're not even dating?" I asked her while looking in front.
I saw how she glanced at me through my side with wide eyes before turning her attention back to the road. She suddenly made weird seal noises out of excitement. I looked at her with a soft glare just to make her stop screaming.
"Oh, my gosh! Who the hell kissed you? Sabi mo magre-restroom ka lang tapos may hinahalikan ka na pala sa taas?!" She sounded so excited. "I mean, marami ngang gwapo sa birthday party na 'yon but, oh my gosh, who is the lucky guy?"
"Raylee, I'm not happy! It will make things so awkward between us!" reklamo ko sa kanya.
"Oh, so you know him as in you KNOW him? That's why you're so concerned about being awkward around him?" she asked again, and I nodded. "Well, he likes you, obviously. Why would he kiss you if he doesn't?"
"What?! No way!" I denied it. She held her chest for a moment out of surprise because of my sudden snap. "No way, Raylee. He doesn't like me. Why would he like me? We never got along! We're the total opposite of each other!"
"And that's what makes you compatible." She laughed and playfully winked at me. "You see, it's not about your similarities and differences. It's how you work them out to fit."
"I swear, Raylee. We're not even friends. We're just strangers who... know each other." That sounded so dumb after saying it out loud.
"Then you're not strangers. You're more than just 'strangers.' What if you try to be honest with yourself this time, Samantha? You're so honest with other people, but you seem to enjoy lying to yourself," she told me.
I needed to talk to Yanna. Maybe I could stay with her this weekend? I was already planning to pack my things tomorrow and move out on Sunday, but I guess the plan changed. When I got home, I went straight to my room to pack my clothes.
I had to hit my head softly with my hand because I couldn't think of anything but that kiss. His lips were so soft against mine like they were perfectly made for each other. Like they really fit. My gosh, ano b'ang iniisip ko?
I left some of my clothes since plan ko naman bumisita tuwing weekend, just for the dogs. I also left some of my essentials. I will just buy another set for my condo para hindi na maraming dinadala. I already finished packing pero hindi pa rin nakakauwi si Clyden.
I checked the time after putting my things in the back of my car. Hindi naman siya marami since iniwan ko ang iba kong gamit. When I saw a car approaching, I immediately went inside my car and drove away, not knowing where to go.
"Can I still drive?" I asked myself. I checked Waze to see my estimated time of arrival in Nueva Ecija. I didn't know where to go, and I obviously needed Yanna's blunt words, so I took my time to travel.
Dumaan ako sa convenience store para bumili ng coffee and sa gas station to refill my tank. I would usually have stop-overs just to stretch my legs in the middle of the night. Madaling-araw na 'ko nakaalis kanina so parang hinahabol ko na ang araw ngayon. I could see the sun rising while driving.
I didn't even tell Yanna that I was coming. I stopped the car in front of her grandma's house and walked towards the mini-gate to call her name. I was about to yell again when she suddenly went out through the backyard, holding a hose.
"Hey!" I called her.
I saw how her eyes widened when she saw me in front of the gate. She held her chest dramatically as the hose fell from her hands. I gave her a sweet smile and a small wave. She looked around before opening the gate for me.
"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito gaga ka?!" bungad niya sa 'kin.
"God, I'm so sleepy. Stop shouting." I held my head and went inside the house, pulling my small luggage with me. She suddenly hit my back with her palm, so I looked back at her and glared. "What?"
"Ano nga ginagawa mo rito?! Galing kang Manila?! Hindi ka pa natutulog?! Hindi mo man lang sinabi sa 'kin na darating ka?!" sunod-sunod na tanong niya.
"I knew you were sleeping already, and what will even change if sabihin ko or not? Magpapahanda ka ba?" I asked, smiling.
"Wala sina Lola. Ako lang naiwan ngayon. Doon ka muna sa kwarto ko matulog," she said when I walked inside the house. It was just a small one. Probably smaller than their house in Laguna but the air was cleaner. Mas masagana sa puno at damuhan 'yong bahay nila rito. Mas tahimik din sa paligid.
"Walang signal?" I asked when I checked my phone.
"Wala. Sa ibang parte lang ng bahay mayroon. Medyo mahina rin ang internet pero huwag ka nang choosy. Ikaw na nga nakikitulog diyan," masungit na sabi niya.
"I just asked!" I defended myself.
She went inside a small room and prepared the bed for me. She even changed the bed sheet like hindi kami tabi natutulog noon? This woman, really. I actually felt bad for her. She didn't need to do all of these things for me, especially when she was pregnant!
"I can do it. Don't you need some rest?" Kinuha ko ang hawak niyang bed sheet para ako na ang maglagay sa kama.
"Girl, kagigising ko lang," she sarcastically said, rolling her eyes.
"You don't feel nauseous anymore?" I asked again while putting the sheet on the foam. "You're on your fourth month na, right? Going five?"
"Hindi na masyado. Tumaas na appetite ko. Tumataba na 'ko!" reklamo niya sa 'kin at ngumuso. She held her tummy while scowling. Hindi pa naman ganoon kalaki ang tiyan niya but I could already see the baby bump. It was fascinating.
"It's okay. That's normal. Don't forget to exercise, ah. I'll sleep lang. Why did they even leave you here alone? What if may mangyari sa 'yo? Good thing I came!" sunod-sunod na sabi ko. I was just that worried for her and the baby. I couldn't lose them both.
"Okay lang. Babalik din naman sila kaagad at hindi naman nila inaasahan na maaga akong magigising," she explained. "Matulog ka na. Mag-uusap tayo mamaya."
"Wow, that's scary." I sat on the bed and got my towel out of the luggage. I was planning to shower first before sleeping. Galing pa 'kong party. "What are we going to talk about?"
"Kung anong bumabagabag sa 'yo. Kaya ka narito, 'di ba?" She raised her brows. Right. She could really read me that easily huh? "Hula ko, lalaki 'yan 'no?"
"Hey!" I pouted. She just knew where to hit it! "Yes, but I'm so sleepy. I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Sige na. Maligo ka na. Naroon 'yong C.R." She pointed at the door outside. "Marunong ka naman gumamit ng tabo tsaka timba, 'no? Bawal ka magreklamo rito."
I wasn't even saying anything. I just gave her a smile before she left. Kinuha ko na ang damit ko at pumasok na sa C.R para maligo. After that, I brushed my teeth and did half of my skincare routine since I left some products back at the house.
I slept peacefully for a few hours before Yanna went inside the room, pushing me over to the wall so she could lie down beside me. The bed was small, so I had to adjust for the pregnant woman. I slept again for a few more minutes before I decided to go to the restroom to pee. That woke me up.
It was already noon. Nagising din si Yanna noong tumayo ako so pagbalik ko, nag-aayos na siya ng kama. I ran towards her when I saw her holding her tummy with her brows furrowed.
"Why? Why? Are you okay?!" I panicked. "Do you want to go to the hospital?"
"Gaga, wala 'to. O.A nito, o!" She pointed at my face and laughed. "Pinapakiramdaman ko lang, e!"
"Hey, when are you planning to tell our friends about your pregnancy?" I sat beside her and held her hand. She stared at me for a moment while thinking deeply about it. "It's okay if you're not ready yet. It's your choice."
"Baka isipin nila ang tanga-tanga ko." She laughed sarcastically, looking away from me. I could feel her hand trembling, so I squeezed it softly just to make her realize that I was there.
"Trust me. They would never think of that," I assured her. "Our friends do not judge. Baka nga matuwa pa sila. It's the first baby in our group. Your child will become so spoiled."
"Nahihiya pa rin ako, Sam. Hindi ko pa nga makalimutan 'yong hiya sa 'kin noong kinailangan kong itigil 'yong pag-aaral ko para rito. Nakakahiya kina Mama. Nakakahiya sa lahat." Her voice broke so I scooted over and gave her a hug.
"I understand what you're feeling right now. If you're not ready yet, it's okay. I just want to let you know that I will never leave your side, okay? Like what I promised you, we'll get through this together," I whispered as I caressed her hair.
"Hindi ba nila iisipin na ang tanga ko para magpabuntis sa lalaking... tinulak ko paalis?" I could feel her shoulders shaking so I hugged her tighter.
"No. I think you're so brave for that." I let go of her and held her chin up so I could see her face. "You are the bravest woman I know."
She laughed and wiped her tears away. "At ikaw? Duwag ka ba kaya namomroblema ka ngayon sa mapapangasawa mo?"
"You changed the topic real quick." I laughed, letting go of her hand. "Uh, he... kissed me."
"Ano?!" sigaw niya bigla. Nagulat ako kaya umusog ako palayo sa kanya. "Kiss lang?" mas mahinang tanong niya ngayon.
"Yes, kiss," I answered, nodding. "Kiss lang, okay? We attended a party, and for some reason, I think I got jealous for a moment. Then he suddenly kissed me."
"Shet." She covered her mouth with wide eyes. "Masarap?"
"Yanna! This is not the right time to ask that!" I glared at her, and she laughed. "I'm confused. Gusto niya ba 'ko? Bakit niya 'ko hahalikan? If he does, then why couldn't he tell me?"
"Ano ka ba? Inosente ka ba, ha? Feelingerang inosente 'to! Akala mo walang lalaking dine-date. First time mo, girl?" sarkastikong tanong niya. "Malamang gusto ka niya! Bakit ka hahalikan no'n? Free taste ka ba, 'te?"
"But he never told me that. Ayoko rin mag-assume because it's Clyden! Everything's uncertain with him. I'm just... scared, I guess," I admitted, looking away from her while playing with my hands.
"Ano ba sa tingin mo? Ganoon lang kadali umamin na gusto mo 'yong tao?" she asked me. "Kahit kailan, hindi ko sinabi kay Hiro na mahal ko siya dahil sa napakaraming rason. Siguro ganoon din sa kanya. Baka natatakot siya dahil ikaw, hindi ka pa sigurado. Ano b'ang nararamdaman mo?"
"I couldn't tell, really. He's just... not like the other guys." I sighed. It sounded so corny after saying it out loud! "Noon naman, I could easily tell when I like the guy. Swipe right sa dating app, we will meet, and then we will date for a moment. Everything's just different with Clyden, maybe because our starting line is also different."
"Hindi rin, eh. Madali mong maamin sa mga nakaka-date mo noon na gusto mo sila dahil alam mong hindi mo ibibigay lahat sa tao. Alam mong temporary lang sila pero kay Clyden, natatakot ka kasi alam mong kaya mong isugal lahat. Natatakot kang aminin kasi natatakot kang masaktan kapag natapos kayo." She let out a short laugh. "Kita mo? I know you more than you know yourself."
That made me silent for a moment. I took some time to reflect on her words without letting my denial side get into me, but I just couldn't accept it, you know? Maybe... Just maybe I liked him a little. Just a little and the proof was my jealousy at the party.
But he was the type of guy to leave, and I was the type to get easily scared of commitment.
"It just won't work between us, Yanna," I told her. "It just won't. Maybe it's because I'm not seeing other guys at the moment. Maybe if I download dating apps again, I could take my mind off him?"
"Sure," she said, not even convinced. "Gawin mo ang gusto mo hanggang sa mauntog ka at ma-realize mo kung bakit hindi ka na interesado sa iba, kung bakit ayaw mo na ng iba. Based on experience, by the way."
"Oh, this is different," I still tried to convince her, but she just laughed and shook her head.
We went down to eat our lunch. I greeted her Aunt Isabel and her grandmother when I saw them preparing food. Her aunt told me that Yanna's mom went home to Laguna to get some things and to pay their bills.
"Saan mo planong manganak, Ashianna?" her grandmother asked while we were eating. "Mas maganda sa Manila na, hija, at hindi kompleto sa equipment ang pinakamalapit na hospital diyan sa kabilang barangay. Baka magkaroon ng komplikasyon. Delikado."
"I can bring her to Manila po," I told her grandmother.
"Ay, mabuti pa nga iyon, Sam!" Her grandmother smiled at me. "Itong si Ashianna, matigas ang ulo at para bang may tinataguan kung makasabi ng hindi kapag sinasama siya sa Manila! Taga-roon naman pala ang mga kaibigan mo."
Yanna and I looked at each other before she scowled at her grandma, refusing to answer. Kami na lang ang nagkakaintindihan ngayon. Her grandma asked me some personal things like kung saan ako nag-aaral at kung sino ang parents ko. I was actually surprised that she didn't know who my father was.
"Wala akong kilalang ganoon! Ah, baka nakalimutan ko na. Tumatanda na talaga ako," her grandma said. "Hindi ko na nga rin maalala kung sino nga ulit ang nakabuntis dito sa apo ko! Mamamatay na lang ako ay hindi ko pa makikilala."
"Lola! Huwag kang magsalita nang ganyan, ha," Yanna warned her.
She told me a month ago that her grandma was sick. It was because of her old age kaya nagkakaroon ng complications. Hindi na nga raw niya alam kung aabot pa kapag nanganak na siya. It actually made me sad, though I never met my grandparents. Hindi ko alam kung buhay pa ba sila o hindi na. My parents never mentioned them before.
Maybe because my parents were mad at them for fixing their marriage. My grandparents took away their freedom, and my parents did the same for me. I didn't understand. Dapat alam na nila ang pakiramdam. Minsan naiisip ko na gumaganti sila like I should suffer too because they did.
I wasn't planning to stay the whole day. I played with Yanna's sticky notes and wrote down some healthy baby tips for her to remember while I was away. Dinikit ko lahat 'yon sa pader niya para madali niyang mabasa.
"Wala ka pang naiisip na name?" I asked her again.
"Wala pa," she answered. "Saka na. Matagal pa naman ang due date ko. Marami pang oras."
"You want me to ask Hiro for a name?" I let out a laugh when she glared at me for saying her lover's name. "I'm just kidding!"
"Huwag mo 'kong hintaying asarin ka sa honeymoon n'yo ni Clyden." She smirked. "Marami akong kayang sabihin na hindi mo magugustuhan."
"You know? I think it's weird that he said he doesn't date, but he knows how to kiss?" My brows furrowed when I remembered that. "What do you think?"
"Aba, pwede mo naman halikan kahit hindi mo i-date, ah. O baka kung medyo santo 'yang si Clyden at wala talagang experience, baka nanonood ng bastos." She shrugged.
"O baka mahilig manood ng romance movies," I suggested another one.
"Magaling ba talaga? Test mo nga. Try mo ulit," she teased, letting out a laugh.
Around afternoon, umuwi na ako sa Manila. Gabi na nang makarating ako at dumeretso na 'ko sa condo ko para ilapag ang mga gamit ko. I wanted to bring Yanna with me but she was just too scared that our friends would find out.
I didn't receive anything from Clyden buong weekend kahit alam kong aware na siyang umalis na 'ko ng bahay. My things were gone already. He never even tried reaching out to ask me. Akala ko mahina lang ang signal kina Yanna. Wala pala talaga siyang text. I sighed and put my phone down.
"Why am I even looking for his message?" I asked myself, confused.
I cleaned the whole condo and organized my things the whole night until I got tired. I showered and did my skincare routine before going to bed. I checked my social media notifications and also scrolled through Instagram until I thought of something.
I couldn't find Clyden's profile the first time I searched for him, but when I searched for the letter 'c' on Ridge's following list, nakita ko ang account niya. He had Instagram, after all. Akala ko wala talaga siyang social media. Nalaman ko lang din ang account ni Ridge when I searched for him through our common friend.
@c.jaile
9 posts - 481 followers - 226 following
Clyden Ramirez
Lagi't lagi, para sa bayan. Padayon.
That was his display name and bio. His account was private, so I couldn't see his posts. I was thinking if I should send a follow request pero alam kong mahihiya lang din ako kaya hindi na. He might even think that I was curious about him!
I tried searching if he had Facebook and Twitter, but I couldn't find his accounts! That guy was too private! I searched for Ridge's name again, but I didn't know his full name, so I got stuck with 'Ridgen.' I just gave up in the end. Hindi ko na nga siya ii-stalk.
"Oh my gosh!" I said when I remembered something. "Kalix is his friend!"
I opened Facebook again to search for Kalix's name. Napasimangot ulit ako nang makitang naka-private ang friends list niya. I knew it. What did I even expect from this guy? I rolled my eyes and just went to sleep.
The next morning was a Sunday. Suddenly, my condo felt so empty. Matagal na 'kong mag-isa nakatira rito but it was my first time feeling so... alone. I just did everything to distract myself. I cleaned the condo again and cooked something. Still, there was no message from Clyden the whole day.
Weekdays came and every day, halos sa labas na 'ko tumira. I would go home at nine after going out for drinks with my friends, o kaya from dinner outside. That used to be our routine. I didn't deal with traffic the whole day, but I still felt drained.
"Really? You can't set me up a date with some of your friends?" I asked Adonis again. Noong Monday ko pa siya kinukulit.
"Bro, taken nga silang lahat, except for Kalix. Pero taken by heart 'yon kaya pwede na rin. Swear! If you want to find a date, download dating apps again," Adonis answered. We were walking back to school pagkatapos niya 'ko ilibre sa Starbucks.
"I want to go out on a date with someone I know," I told him.
"Bakit? May problema ba kayo ni Doc?" he asked, letting out a teasing smile. Sumimangot ako at umiling sa kanya.
"We're not together, excuse me! Sige na! Kahit sa friends mong football players? Nothing talaga?" pangungulit ko. "Just one date. We can just eat outside or something."
"Tetext kita kapag mayroon." Napakamot siya sa ulo niya.
He really did set me up on a date! May pinakilala siyang football player sa 'kin, and we both agreed to eat outside on a Friday night. He was tall and good-looking, but I felt nothing when I saw him.
"Hey," I greeted and smiled. "Lewis, right?"
"Hey, Sam. Yeah, Lewis." He smiled at me and offered his hand. He looked like a nice person, so I felt a little bad when I felt nothing. My heart did not even race at the sight of him. "Do you want to go inside so we can order already?"
"Yeah, sure." I nodded and followed him inside the restaurant.
We ordered pasta. He tried to strike up a conversation with me, so I went along with him. We tried to get to know each other, but I kept on looking at my phone, waiting for someone else's text. I was going crazy.
"Do you want to go out for a drink?" he asked. I knew he would. That was the usual line, and I knew where we were headed next, but I wasn't just having it this time.
"You know, I actually have an emergency." I gave him an awkward smile and stood up. "So I need to go now. I already paid for our food, though, so don't worry about it."
He was about to say something, but I had already left. I went straight inside my car and drove back to my condo. Malapit lang so nakarating ako kaagad. While I was inside the elevator, I was already determined to pack my things again and go back to the house.
The whole week without him felt so empty. I thought going out with other guys would help me get over my feelings for him, but I couldn't. It was still there. It wasn't even infatuation or anything like that. It was something deeper. I also couldn't explain why, or how, or when did it even start.
I went out of the elevator and walked through the hallway, finding my keys inside my bag. I stopped walking when it fell on the floor. When I stood up, I was surprised to see Clyden in front of my door. He had his fist up like he was about to knock. Nagulat din siya nang makita ako.
"H-hey," I whispered. My heart suddenly started racing. That was supposed to happen earlier with the other guy, but it didn't.
"Hey." He took a step backward, looking embarrassed, like I just caught him doing something illegal.
He was wearing a white sweater with a design on the front and a pair of black shorts partnered with his white sneakers. Nakasuot din siya ng specs. Cellphone at wallet lang ang dala niya sa isang kamay at nakasabit ang susi ng kotse sa daliri. He fixed his hair using his other hand, letting out a heavy sigh.
"W-why are you here? How did you know my... Uh... Condo unit?" I stayed in my place, standing two meters away from him. I just couldn't go near him.
"I asked your mom," he answered, still refusing to look at me. I saw his Adam's apple move when he swallowed hard.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, walking towards the door. He took another step backward until he was leaning against the wall in front of my door. I turned my back against him as I tried to open my door with my key. "Did I forget something?"
"I missed you."
The key suddenly fell from my hand. Nataranta kaagad ako at pinulot 'yon. My hands were shaking as I tried to open my door again. Pagkatapos, binuksan ko nang kaunti ang pinto bago humarap sa kanya.
"What?" My brows furrowed. It wasn't like I didn't hear him or anything. I just wanted him to repeat it.
"I thought I could study better when you're not around. I swear, I tried." He bit his lower lip and looked down on the floor, embarrassed. "But I couldn't focus, knowing that you left because of me. I'm sorry about the kiss."
"So you regret kissing me?" My heart suddenly fell.
"No." He scoffed. "That was the best thing I did."
My hand was still holding the door knob. It served as a support for my knees because they were already getting weak. My heart was beating so fast I was afraid it would jump out of my chest. The hallway was too quiet. I was also thinking if he could hear my heartbeat.
"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, looking at him.
He looked up, and our eyes met. He licked his lower lip a little while staring into my eyes. He parted his lips like he wanted to say something, but he closed them again, looking away from me.
"Say it," I urged.
He stared at me for a moment before letting out an amused smile. "I like you."
That was it. I felt like my heart jumped out of my chest. I reached for his hand and suddenly pulled him inside my unit, pushing him against the door. He wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed me, moving his other hand up to my neck.
I encircled my arms on his neck to pull him closer to me. I moved my lips and pushed my tongue inside his mouth. I stopped kissing him after a moment just to catch my breath. We stared at each other's eyes without an inch of regret.
"What now?" he asked.
I caressed his cheek as the side of my lips rose. "Let's date?"
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:)