Kabanata 5
If I Have Nothing
The beginning of being a Senior High student was fun and exciting. Hindi lamang dahil sa iisang taon na lang ay nasa kolehiyo na kundi dahil marami akong bagong nakilala. Kuya Bo’s university is indeed good. Kahit na kalayuan sa bahay ay nasasanay ko na rin ang sarili ko.
I seldom see my brother in the campus, siguro ay dahil na rin sa hiwalay naman talaga ang Senior High sa college. Minsan ay nagsasabay kami sa lunch kapag naaayon iyon sa schedule niya. He was already in his second year so medyo busy pa rin.
“Tapos ka na sa Pre Cal, Syd?” tanong sa akin ng kaklase kong si Marriam nang naupo siya sa aking tabi.
“Yup, ikaw?” Umayos ako ng upo at binuklat ang aking notebook na naglalaman ng aking nasagutan sa aming assignment sa Pre Calculus. It had my sketch of the graphs and my answers were all encircled. Naramdaman kong dinungaw ni Marriam ang aking notebook.
“Wow! Ang talino mo talaga Syd! Hanggang three pa lang yung nasasagutan ko.” She uttered still awed while her eyes were on my notebook.
Ngumisi ako. It was a bit of a culture shock because we were introduced in this new subject. I had it when I was in grade nine pero hindi naman talaga iyon tinalakay ng guro namin. I had a trouble understanding at first pero nadadala rin naman sa pabasa-basa ng libro.
“Siguro hindi mo ‘to pinagpuyatan. Ang talino mo kaya...” Marriam continued mumbling.
Bumalik siya sa maayos na pagkakaupo. Iniwas ko na lamang ang tingin sa kaniya at bumuntong-hininga. Magandang kasama si Marriam but Juniper is better. Wala talagang makakapagpalit kay Juniper. Sa kasamaang palad, mas gusto niyang manatili sa pinapasukang high school dahil malapit lang kina sister.
When lunch took over, I was still with Marriam and some of our girl classmates. May ibang hindi ko gusto sapagka’t sumasama lang din dahil kokopya sa mga assignment na nagagawa ko na. I don’t mind though, pero minsan unfair kasi nga pinagpupuyatan ko pagkatapos ay kokopya lang sila. After they’re done with it, they’ll just simply talk to me about cosmetics and all.
Marami akong natutunan. I learned how to use tints for my cheeks and lips. Sabi ng mga babaeng kaklase ko ay mas gumaganda ako lalo doon.
“Hindi ko napansin, you’re using pink tint pala Syd! It looks good on you! Your complexion’s tan but it still really compliment your skin. Sana ganyan din ako!” si Ellie, yung isa naming kasama kapag tanghalian. She was one of the girls who introduced me to some girly stuff. Kadalasan ay siya yung nagpapaalala sa akin na gumamit and she even introduced me to other brands!
I chuckled slightly. “Hindi ko kasi mahanap yung medyo burgundy kaya ito na lang.” I said totally amused.
Pabirong umirap siya ngunit umisod naman palapit sa akin at hinawakan ang aking kamay. I raised my eyebrow. Nakita ko kung paano siya ngumuso sa akin at lumambot ang mga mata.
“What?” I asked.
“Minsan isama mo naman ako sa paghihintay mo sa Kuya mo! Introduce me!” aniya. Palihim akong ngumiwi nang humigpit ang hawak niya sa akin.
Sometimes I really hate it when girls try to get to me and used me just so they could get close to Kuya. Alam kong ang iba sa kanila ay nagustuhan lang naman si Kuya dahil sa pera o di kaya’y dahil gwapo ito at galing sa prominenteng pamilya. Not only that, my brother was a part of the University’s basketball team. Ngunit mas inaabangan ang laro niya tuwing college week, dahil siya ang star player ng kanilang department.
“Err, hindi ko alam Ellie. Sometimes Kuya hates it when I introduce someone to him. Kaya...” I trailed. Tinitigan ko nang may kaunting takot ang kaniyang mukha nang sumimangot siya sa akin at agad na lumayo.
Some of the girls snickered. Binalewala ko lamang iyon at kumain. We still continued chatting until it was time for our first period in the afternoon. Hindi rin lingid sa akin ang pasimpleng pag-irap ni Ellie kapag nag-uusap kami ng mga kasama namin. She would frown or snort whenever I say something that was on point.
Binalewala ko na lamang iyon.
Lilipas lang din naman. It’s not like it’s my loss if ever she turns her back on me. Kaya ko namang tumayo nang mag-isa. In fact she was the one who needed me the most. Hindi ko rin naman kasalanan na kapag ipinilit niya at masasaktan lang din siya kay Kuya sa huli. I treasure my brother so much and girls like Ellie don’t just belong to him. Sigurado ako doon.
The next day, what it seems like, Ellie avoided me. Sumama siya sa iba naming kaklaseng babae na maaarte. Marriam and some girls tried to talk to me and asked what the problem is.
“I don’t know. Sinabi ko namang ayaw ni Kuya na may itinutulak akong babae sa kaniya. I just don’t want to hurt her feelings...” sabi ko na lang. Some girls agreed lalong lalo na si Marriam na inilalabas ang sama ng loob tungkol kay Ellie.
The truth is, she was right about Ellie’s attitude. Sa totoo lang ay ayaw ko naman sa kaniya although I really did benefit on her. Kung gusto niyang makipagkaibigan ulit, ayos lang sa akin as long as she will not push herself to my brother.
“Pero totoo ba talagang ayaw ng Kuya mong may ipinakikilala ka sa kaniya?” tanong ni Marriam sa akin noong lumabas yung adviser namin.
“Hmm. Somewhat. Pero ang totoo, ayaw talaga ni Kuya na magkaroon ng relationship sa mga kaedad ko. He said it would seem like he was dating his sister. Ayaw niya nang ganoon.”
It was true. Sinabi sa akin ni Kuya Bo na he prefer dating girls who was his age. They are mature and were ready for a relationship. He also said that girls my age were immature and very possessive when it comes to relationship. The thing about my brother is that he was quite smart on picking who’ll he date. Hindi siya katulad ng iilan niyang mga kaibigan na kung kani-kanino lang nakikipagrelasyon.
“Wow, your Kuya must be something. Pero other than that reason, may girlfriend naman siguro iyon ano kaya hindi gusto?”
“Yep, he always bring this girl in our house every weekend. Kaklase niya ata but he introduced her as his girl. Okay naman sa akin because she seems like a nice girl.” I said nonchalantly. Pinaglaruan ko sa aking kamay ang ballpen na hawak habang nakatitig sa whiteboard. There were some words scrambled in it, reminding us what to do after class and any announcement for the next days.
I tried not to talk it out with Ellie. Hindi naman ako yung may problema. It wasn’t me who was being a bitch. Kaya kapag napapatingin ako sa banda niya ay nahuhuli ko siyang masama ang titig sa akin pagkatapos ay iirap. Marriam would hiss beside me whenever she caught her. I say, we should not mind her.
By the end of the day, the other girls were pretty hanging out with Ellie. Kapag may lumalapit sa kaniya ay saka siya titingin sa aking direksyon na para bang ipinapakita niya na may kakampi siya. Hindi ko kailangan ng kakampi sa laban na ito because in the first place she was the one who brought up the freaking red flag between us.
“Wow that girl’s really a bitch huh?” Marriam hissed again when Ellie passed by in front of us with a bunch of girls literally after her. She looks like red queen with that red lips and blushing cheeks. She stood like an almighty queen with her followers behind her.
“Pabayaan mo na. I think she has attitude problems...” ako sabay sulyap sa dinaanan nina Ellie.
Marriam and I went to the school’s waiting shed just outside the campus to wait for our service. Ang sabi ko kasi ay huwag ng pumasok sa parking kasi nasa labas na ako.
Minsan nauuna akong umalis kapag mabilis na nakakarating ang aming driver, minsan nauuna si Marriam. May iba pa naman akong kasama minsan but it’s different today.
“I’ll get going Marriam...” I bid my goodbye to her and went inside the car. Binati ko ang driver naming pagkapasok at diretso na itong nagdrive pauwi.
When the car entered the house garage, I hopped down and went inside the house. Ang iilang kasambahay ay naabutan ko pang nag-uusap habang naglilinis.
Nang dumating ako ay nagsitahimik at agad akong binati. Hindi naman ako interesado sa kanilang pinag-uusapan pero kapag tungkol na sa pamilya, I know I had to deal with them.
“Nandiyan na ba sina Mommy at Daddy?” tanong ko sa isang dumaan na kasambahay nang papasok na ako sa aking kwarto.
“Wala pa po, ma’am pero umuwi po ngayon si Sir Boaz.”
“Oh...” sabi ko at nagpasalamat.
I sighed as I sighted Kuya Boaz’s door. I didn’t know he’ll go home. It’s not even Saturday, yet.
Pumasok ako sa aking kwarto at naglinis ng katawan. After I changed my clothes, I buried myself on my bed with all my notebooks scattered around my mattress. Inuna ko ang mga kailangang i-solve tapos itinabi ko yung kailangang i-essay. I get easily worked up if I don’t arrange them from the hardest to the easiest.
I didn’t hear the sound of knocking on my door because I am drowned by the sound of my scientific calculator. Nalaman ko na lang na may tao nang marinig ko ang boses ni Kuya Bo at nakahawak na sa doorknob ng aking pintong bukas.
“Kuya!” ngumiti ako at agad na itinigil ang ginagawa. I eyed him from his black shirt and black sweatpants ngunit mas napangisi ako nang makitang nakapaa lamang ito. I saw how white and clean his feet were.
Tumayo ako at lumapit sa kaniya. “I didn’t know you were coming home tonight, nasabi lang sa akin ng kasambahay.” Sabi ko.
“Yeah, had to search for some things in my room. Hmm, you seem busy...” aniya sabay sulyap sa aking mga gamit na nasa ibabaw ng kama.
Ngumuso ako. “Yup, got some load of homework to do. Bakit po?”
“Dinner’s ready. Wala pa sina Mommy at Daddy kaya tayong tatlo muna...”
Namilog ang mga mata ko. “Tatlo? Is your girlfriend here?”
Kuya Bo chuckled. “Silly, no. What I mean is Rhett’s going to be with us over dinner.”
Bumagsak ang balikat ko ngunit tila iba ang aking naramdaman nang nanlamig ang aking pisngi. It’s been a while since I saw Rhett. The last time I saw him was the end of May which was a month ago. Hindi ko na siya nakikitang kasama si Kuya kapag narito si Kuya sa bahay.
“Oh..” was all I said. Later did I realize that Kuya Bo was practically staring at me like asking if there’s any problem.
“Uhm, I’ll be downstairs? Aayusin ko lang yung kalat...” ngumiti ako.
Kuya Bo raised his brow but didn’t comment on anything. Umalis na agad siya sa aking kwarto at hinayaan ako. I shuffled to my bed, nervously picking up some trash papers and putting them into the bin.
Taranta ako sa aking bawat kilos knowing that Rhett was here. Hindi ko gustong makarinig na naman ng kahit anong insulto sa kaniya lalo pa’t kapag nakita niya kung gaano ako ka-haggard ngayong araw. Partially, it was Ellie’s fault.
Ayos na ayos ako pagbaba kulang na lang ay magpulbo ako bago lumabas ng kwarto. I kept on reminding myself that it was just dinner and Rhett won’t even comment on anything because my brother was just around. Pero hindi k.maiwasang isipin na hinuhusgahan ako nito sa kaniyang tingin. I looked like a trash, if hindi ako nag-aayos ng sarili. Parang pinangangatawanan kong nanggaling lang ako sa kung saan.
Sa manipis na tunog ng aking panloob na tsinelas ay napatingin sa akin si Rhett pagpasok ko ng dining room. The whole table was already set but I did not see my brother. Sa pagtanaw kong iyon ay kinabahan ako dahil baka sugurin na naman ako ni Rhett ng kaniyang mga salita.
Sumikip ang aking dibdib at tila hindi ako makahinga nang malipat ang tingin niya sa akin mula sa pagtitig niya sa kaniyang cellphone. His eyes flickered up and down like he was taking me all in. Sumandal siya sa upuan nang hindi inilalayo ang tingin sa akin habang pinaglalaruan niya ang kaniyang gray na cellphone sa mesa.
Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kaniya at kinurot ang aking daliri na nasa aking likuran. I shakily breathe before making my way towards my designated seat. Hindi ko naramdamang inilayo ni Rhett ang tingin sa akin kaya minabuti kong tumitig na lang sa mga pagkaing nasa aking harapan.
There were chopsuey, deep fried chicken, fried tilapia with vegetables around it and soup... the kind of soup that Rhett always take whenever he’s here.
“Aren’t you going to greet me?” his raspy voice echoed in the room. The air that I was holding seemed to run away from its chain because the moment he spoke, I softly gasp.
Is he talking to me?
But why?
Why would he start the conversation?
Nagtaas ako ng tingin upang magtama ang mga mata namin. The light-ish grayish silver streaks in his eyes glowed when it hit the light.
“W-what?” I stammered.
Ngumisi siya. “You seemed quiet.”
“I...I was just thinking of something, ” I trailed. “—you don’t really mind if I greet you or not, so why say it?” I asked him.
“Nothing.” Aniya at ibinalik ang tingin sa cellphone. Umilaw iyon ngunit agad niyang ibinalik sa akin ang tingin. His eyes were serious and stubborn. And I don’t like them. Even with that unique color of his eyes, I still don’t like it.
They make me nervous as hell like it gives me the chills and some shaking on my bones.
Iniwas ko ang tingin at tinitigan na lamang ang kubyertos na nasa aking harapan. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Rhett continued on scrolling on his phone. Ibinaba niya lamang iyon nang marinig ang boses ni Kuya na mukhang may kausap sa cellphone nito.
Lumingon ako kay Kuya na kabababa lang ng cellphone. “May problema ba, Kuya?” tanong ko.
Nilingon ako ni Kuya pagkatapos ay umiling. “Nothing. I just informed my classmate about the documents that I was looking for.”
“Nahanap mo na po?” tanong ko ulit nang maupo na ito sa kabisera.
“Yup. By the way, you got some difficulties in Calculus? Rhett could help you.” Sabi ni Kuya at nilingon ang kaibigang nagmamasid lang din sa amin. I eyed Rhett for a while. Nasundan niya ang aking titig kaya muntik na akong masamid sa sariling laway.
I cleared my throat. “Nope, natapos ko na iyong homework namin doon.”
Tumango lang si Kuya bago kami nagsimulang kumain. The two of them talked like matured boys. Si Kuya ay kinukumusta si Rhett sa kaniyang banda habang ang huli ay tinatanong si Kuya tungkol sa sports. Kuya was a college varsity while Rhett was a band hottie (that’s what most of the girls in the campus entitled him). And it annoyed me because every girls in the senior high talks about how hot he was. Napag-alaman kong may mga gig na ginagawa ang kaniyang banda sa iilang bar kung saan talamak doon ang mga estudyante ng University. That's why he was a bit popular.
I almost choked. Napansin iyon ni Rhett kaya napataas ang kaniyang kilay at may naglalarong ngisi sa kaniyang labi. Uminit ang aking pisngi at iniwas ang tingin sa kaniya. I chugged down all the liquid content inside my glass in haste. Hindi ako nabulunan roon ngunit muntik na dahil sa titig na naman ni Rhett.
I tried finishing my meal without sparing Rhett a glance. I am not giving him the satisfaction of irritating me at the end of this day. Hindi pa ako natatapos sa problema ko kay Ellie ay dadagdag pa ang mga di pangkaraniwang titig ni Rhett. He was definitely not the Rhett I know before.
Parang...nagbabago na siya.