Sunlight that shifts and dances as if with merriment. Twin moons that sparkle at some unseen amusement. And laughter that rings through the air seemingly more real than all of reality.
They haunt my dreams. The cause of more pain then I have ever felt before. I can feel it tearing through my heart more keenly than any blade. And yet, it is a pain I would willingly endure for all of eternity just for the opportunity to gaze endlessly upon the sight that both lifts my heart and crushes my soul. I could not have imagined that I would have ever longed for the days when I would wake up screaming from nightmares where all that I hold dear is taken away from me. Nightmares filled with the deaths of my friends and family. For yes, the pain and fear had lingered even after I had been reassured by the presences of those that had died in my dreams. Indeed, it never really dispelled completely, it was always lingering at the corner of my awareness like a shadow without quite enough sunlight to become truly tangible. But still they were much preferred over my new dreams that are filled with such joy and love that my heart is overcome with the wonder of it! But then its over, and I wake up, and I remember.
For no matter how real a dream feels while you are in the midst of it, the moment you wake up reality slammes into you without mercy. And yes the emotions may linger for a while, but reality always proves stronger in the end. And so I now long for the days that I would dream of death and suffering for a short while before waking up to the reality of life. For I much prefer those days to the misery that is dreaming of life and happiness only to wake up to my new reality of hopelessness and death.
For there she is in my dreams, her hair as if sunlight dances around her face and down her back. Her eyes as if twin moons aspied a humorous sight and now sparkle and gleam with the amusement of it. And her laughter as the joyous bubbling of a clear flowing brook in spring.
Annabeth.
My Annabeth. My Annie. My Wise Girl. My love. My life. My world. My Everything.
Gone.
Gone and never coming back. I'll never see her again. What am I going to do without her? What do I have left? How can I go on? How can I possibly take even one more step on the path of life without my Wise Girl by my side?
Forever.
I can feel it. The moment when my heart breaks irreparably and my soul shatters irrevocably.
I have been ignoring the circumstances and consequences of my past for the sake of focusing all my strength and will on what I need to achieve in the past. But now that I am a prisoner in my own mind I have no choice but to confront and accept what happened. Annabeth died. She is no longer among those that live, with whom, it seems, I am cursed to forever remain.
Immortality.
How many people have given up everything, including their own lives and the lives of those around them to attain it? How many lives have been ruined for the search to find this thing that I never wanted and would do anything to get rid of? How many people desire immortality not knowing the curse that it really is? You watch those that you love wither away and succumb to old age or sickness knowing that you will no longer be joining them one day. You live on, scared to allow anyone to get close, to make any kind of connection for fear of the day that you must say goodbye. No, it is not a gift for which I should be gratefull to the Fates. It is a curse that I shall forever despise. And I vow that I will do anything in my power to be freeded from it so that I can once again be with the one that means the world to me. I vow that one day I will be reunited with Annabeth no matter what I must do or what it will cost me. It is that promise to myself that gives me the strength to look to the future and not dwell for all of eternity on the past.
It is with this new found strength of will that I push to the surface of the darkness that has held me here for long enough. At first all I am aware of is how heavy my body feels. It is as if I am no longer flesh and blood but a statue made of the stiffest of metals. But slowly, I become aware of the world around me. The first thing that I am aware of is the soft surface that I am laying on. It is not the softest bed that I have ever slept apon but considering the hellish conditions that I have lived in for the past few weeks it may as well be. Then I become aware of the smells of disinfectant and blood that hangs in the air around me. The blood reminds me of the battlefield and for a moment a spike of panic shoots through my heart. It is the disinfectant that calms me once more. It reminds me of the infirmary. My heart rate slowes to its normal beat just as the first sounds reach my ears. Voices, both near at hand and in the distance. I cannot make out what the voices are saying but I can't bring myself to care.
My body dosen't feel as heavy as before but it still isn't responding as I would like. I try to lift my arm and the result is a slight twitch of my fingers. But it's enough to alet those around me to my wakeing. There are hands on my wrist measuring my pulse and a light flickers in my eyes. My hearing inproves untill I hear a faint voice that gets stronger as time passes. "...kson, can you hear me? Corprol Jackson? Can you hear me?
I open my eyes slowly, blinking rapidly to allow them to adjust to the light. Standing above me is a dark haired nurse whose worried face clears when she see that my eyes are open and focused. Her smile is a silent testament to her relief that I am awake once more. "There you are. We have all been very concerned for you." She turnes away to call to someone that I cannot see from where I lay. "Doctor, he is awake."
Its Doctor Blake. The fact that he is here does not surprise me in the least. The gods and Fates have a way of manipulateing the world as they see fit. So of course the one doctor that knows of my mission and who I am would be the one to treat me. "It's good to see you awake Corprol. You had a lot of people worried about you."
The amusement that shines in his eyes tells me that he himself wasn't worried seeing as he knows that I was never in any danger.
"How do you feel Corprol? Any dizzieness or nausea?" As he speaks he shines a light into my eyes.
"N-" I can't even get a single word out before my dry throat forces me into a coughing fit that leaves me breathless. As I struggle to regain my lost breath Dr. Blake reaches under my shoulders to lift me to a sitting position to take the pressure off of my chest and make it easier for me.
"Easy there. Easy. Just relax. It will pass. Relax." Once the coughing passes Dr. Blake eases me back to laying down on the bed. The nurse is there with a glass of water and she lifts my head to help me drink. I can feel the power and strength that surges up in me with the reintroduction of my fathers domain. I take a moment to simply exist as the world comes alive around me. All knowledge of my own body falls away as everything else comes into sharp focus. The storm clouds that wait above, laden with rain. The ground damp with the rain that has falen in days previous. The underground rivers and lakes that lay in wait for the day that their waters will once again taste the rays of the sun. Closer at hand there is the water that flows through all liveing things. The life blood that is pumped by the noble hearts that beat in the chests of all the soldiers that fight and die for their country.
And there, in the distance, is the sea. Pure in it's existance. Peacefull in it's steady flow. Where others see only the chaos of the rolling waves, I see the calm that layes beneth the surface. The sea is a part of me just as I am a part of the sea. It's pull on my soul is like the pull of the moon apon the tide. I become lost within it's depths as my awareness of it consummes me. It washes over me and the turbulence of my mind, heart, and soul, is finally at rest.
Reality fades as I drift there in the gentle embrace of the ocean. I am unaware of what is happening around me. Unaware that I bacome catatonic and unresponsive. Unaware of the confussion and worry of the medical profionals around me as they try to figure out what has happened to me. Unaware of the arrival of sergeant Barnes and captain Rodgers. Unaware of their concern to find that though I am awake and my eyes are open, I am once again unreachable as I exist far from the physical world. Unaware of all but the ocean, knowing only the sea.
Untill suddenly the sea is nothing more then a distant memory as the world around me comes crashing back into focus. Suddenly I am aware of the hands shakeing my shoulders as if to wake me from sleep. Suddenly I am aware of the frantic voices shouting at me to return to my senses. Aware of the hands on either side of my head forceing me to focus on the face in front of mine. "Peacy? Can you hear me? Hey, I need you to focus on me." So I do. I focus on Dr. Blakes calm voice and his steady eyes as he watches mine. I can tell the precise moment that he realizes that I am once again aware of my surroundings because a small smile graces his face as he sits back a little from where he had leaned over me in his concern. "Thats it, there we go. Eyes on me. Don't know where you want there for a moment but now that your back, how do you feel?"
"I-I feel fine. What happened?" The glass of water certenly helped but my throat is still a little sore so my voice comes out sounding raspy. I also have to admit that there is an under current of exaustion to it. I don't know what happened or what came over me but it is leaving me more tired then I have felt in a long time.
"I don't know. One minute you are coughing like there is no tomorrow, the next you go completly limp and stop responding. Are you sure your feeling alright?" Its then that I notice that this time Dr. Blake isn't just pretending to be concerned. Its also when I notice that we aren't alone any more. Bucky and another guy that looks kind of familiar are standing off to the side out of the way of the medical staff that is crowded around my bed. What happened to draw such a crowd?
"I-I'm sure. I feel fine." I don't know if they believe me or not but at a nod from Dr. Blake, the other medical personel all return to their patients, leaveing me alone with Dr. Blake, Bucky and the other guy. Dr. Blake sits back with a sigh and studies me with a critical eye. "I knew you would be more trouble than you were worth."
I can't help the trouble maker grin that splits my face. "Its not my fault that trouble refuses to leave me alone." My expression sobers as I nail Dr. Blake with a stare. "But seriously Doc, what happened?"
Hey everyone. Thank you for all your votes and comments! Responding to comments isn't really my thing but I wanted to let all of you know that I do read and love all of them. Thank you again!
-R.J.