Janet
Toni decided to come home with me, and I was so relieved. We'd never fought like this before, and while I know there was a lot of stress and devastation on her plate, I started to wonder if this day was inevitable.
For as long as I knew her, she'd always had this her-against-the-world complex and mentality. It was sad to watch it unfold over the years. She was constantly getting taken advantage of and betrayed. Now that she finally had someone in her corner, she wasn't sure how to deal with it. I could understand that. But now it was time to change, because I didn't plan on going anywhere.
We made it back home, and the first thing she did when we stepped over the threshold was run upstairs. I sighed.
"Toni, this isn't going to go away. We have to talk."
I left my bags in the foyer and followed her warily. It had been a very long week. I was just as tired as she was, and I felt my patience starting to run thin with her. It took a lot, but she'd done a lot to get me there too.
"What the hell are you doing?" She came back down before I could get to her with her keys in her hand and a few belongings.
"Going back to my place. My car is here."
"So you're really not going to—"
"Janet, I think that... I think moving in with you so soon was a mistake. I mean, the first chance I get, I'm running back home, and... clearly I'm not ready for this yet."
I felt my heart sink. We were quickly losing ground. "What are you saying to me? We just spent all of that time, and money, getting you here. It was your idea."
"Maybe I was wrong. Remember how you said I don't like to admit when I am? Well, here you go."
I threw my hands up. "See, there you go again. There's that wall."
"It's not a wall. This is me trying to prevent any more conflict. I am tired. I know you're tired. Just give it a few days."
"What's gonna change, huh? What is that gonna do to help this situation, other than let it fester?"
"No. This is for me to heal. My mother just—"
"Okay, okay, wait. Which one is it? Are you upset that she's gone, or not? You can't keep hopping that fence when it's convenient for you."
"What the hell are you talking about?!" She spat. "Of course I'm upset. That never changed!"
"Toni, honestly. You know this isn't about her, right? What we have going on, from the start, never had anything to do with her. It's you and me, okay? We have issues, by ourselves, that we need to fix."
She sat down in the living room and put her head in her hands. "Maybe that's true, but I just thought that in light of recent events, you would be considerate enough to put that aside for just a moment, no?"
My body felt hot in frustration. "I have been nothing but considerate to you. All I have done for the last four months, is be right here. For you. Even when you didn't feel like I was, I was there. I can't believe you can sit here and say that to my face."
"I'm not downplaying at all what you have done for me. You know I appreciated every time that you gave me your shoulder to cry ugly, snot tears on. But I realize now that this situation is so much bigger than you and I. There isn't enough alcohol, bubble baths, and sex in this world to fix what has been happening to me." She started to break down into tears. "You said you didn't want me to fight for you? Well, too fucking bad, Janet. Too bad. This is literally all I have left. You are all I have now. Seriously, do you understand that? I don't think you do."
I sat on the couch opposite her. "Toni, if that's the case, why do you do this? Why are you pushing me away, even in this very moment? If you say I'm all you have, why is your first reaction to up and leave? That's backwards."
"I told you, Janet. I'm just tired. I am so, so tired..." She wiped her eyes. "If I have learned anything in my 43 years of life, it's how to find peace within myself, since I can't seem to get it anywhere else."
"Why can't it be me? Is that not enough for you?" My voice began to crack. I was surprised I'd made it this far without crying. Seeing her cry always made me cry.
"43 years, Janet. You've been back in my life for four months. It feels like forever, but we both know that this is all still very, very new. To both of us. It's not that easy. As much as I wish it were, it's not."
I was quiet for a moment. The only sound in the house was my grandfather clock ticking mindlessly to commemorate every passing second that I had to sit here and argue with my best friend. I wanted to break it. I placed my sweaty hands on my knees and took a deep breath.
"Janet, I want to be completely transparent with you. I think that... I think we rushed this."
"How? I've known you for—"
"That's not what I mean. You know that. I guess... I guess I'd never really sat back and thought about it. Ever since that night here, when you sat me on that counter and told me you wanted to be with me, we've rushed. Maybe even before that. We reconnect after ten years pass, and the first thing we think to do is have sex. And feelings got hurt almost immediately. Remember? Think about it. We never really even addressed that."
My entire face was soaked as she spoke. I hated where this conversation was going, and to make matters worse, she was absolutely right. Never in my right mind would I have stepped out of a very committed relationship to be with someone who I really only used to know. The woman that I met backstage could have very well been a stranger to me. She was different, and I was sure I had changed too, but I never wanted to admit it. All I knew was that I missed her, and I wasn't happy with Wissam.
"Toni Michele Braxton, I love you so much." I got up quickly to sit on her lap and hold her face in my hands. She looked away and tried to hide her face. "Look at me. Please, look at me and say it back."
"Janet, you know I love you. I never said I didn't. But—"
"No but's. Just say it, and leave it there, okay? Please, baby." I tried to wipe her tears, but they wouldn't stop coming. Just like she said. There was nothing I could physically do to fix her. The best I could do was patch up the holes for a while until something came along and made them bigger and wider.
"I love you, Janet Damita Jo Jackson. I really, really do," she surrendered. Her voice was so tranquil. I would rather her be kicking and screaming. This sounded like she was giving up.
"Then come upstairs, and unpack your stuff, and stay. And—and... if you go, then, I'm going to assume that you don't."
She shook her head. "You know it doesn't work like that. Come on. It's getting late."
"Okay, but what is next?! You keep on saying you're gonna leave, you're gonna take some time, but when you come back—"
"Now, I don't know if I should. Not... not immediately."
My heart felt like it was going to explode. This wasn't happening. This was never supposed to happen.
"You have to. God, you—"
"It's not fair to you, Janet. Look at what I've done to you, in a matter of months. You say you want to take care of me, but all of this... I do love you. As a matter of fact, I love you too much to make you carry my burdens. You have your own."
"I'm fine. I can handle this. I promise you, I can. You have to trust me. We're gonna be fine! And—please, stop calling me Janet. I hate when you call me that."
"What do you prefer," she sighed, closing her eyes. Shutting down.
"Jan, baby, honey, all the things you used to call me when you still wanted me."
"Janet—Jan, I do want you. I still love you, and I still want you, but—"
I couldn't listen to anything else. I crashed my lips into hers mid-sentence and squeezed her body as tight as I could, just when I felt her slipping away from me. She didn't kiss back immediately, which I don't think had ever happened in all the time that we'd been together. I whimpered and put her hands on my backside. After a brief moment, she gave in and squeezed it gently.
"Just make love to me right now." I begged. "It's been a week. If you feel the same when we're done, we'll deal with it then. But I've missed you so much. Don't you miss me? How good I make you feel?" I buried my face into her neck and kissed it hopelessly.
"Jan—"
"Please. I need you. I missed you..." I started to suck on her sweet spot as my last line of defense. I couldn't get to her treasure in this position, but gyrated my pelvis against hers to create some sort of friction.
"Baby..."
"That's it," I whispered as she gave in a little more with each bruise I left on her hot skin. She started to let her hands run over my body and push her hips up into mine, sending tears down my face and a rush of deep, intense arousal through the rest of me. I squeezed her breasts through her shirt before pulling it up altogether to run my tongue over her chest. If I could love every part of her at once, I would, and maybe then she would understand why she could never leave me.
I looked into her glossy eyes once I pushed her bra out of the way to suck fervently on her nipples. It seemed like the eye contact was too much for her, and when I felt her start to pull away from me again, I grabbed her face and kissed her with everything I had in me, which brought her a little closer again. Her tongue wrestled with mine and I let her have her way. I couldn't risk doing anything to sway her. The truth was I didn't much care for how sloppy and rushed it all felt, but I was skating on thin ice.
"I wanna take you upstairs, into my playroom, and give you everything you ask for. How does that sound, baby? Would you like that?" I asked against Toni's parted lips. "I can get all dressed up for you, and you can do whatever you want to me, Toni Michele." I tried my hardest to reach between our bodies and caress her. It wasn't the kind of stimulation I wanted to give her, but it seemed to work when she nodded in the subtlest of manners. I bit my lip to hide the smile. "Come with me."
The entire way upstairs, I wouldn't let my hands leave her body. Skin-to-skin contact seemed to be my lifeline at this point. I kissed her all the way down the hall, and when we'd made it to the last door, I had never been more relieved that I'd left it unlocked.
I led her to the bed and pushed her down on it, immediately straddling her body again as I tried to get my clothes off. "Wait, wait, Jan." She pushed me away in a breathless pant and sat up straight. I gulped. "I'm gonna stay tonight, okay? You don't have to—"
"Thank you, thank you, thank you." I wrapped my arms around her neck in a tight embrace. I'd only bought us some more time. But it could be a start.
"I love you," she said.
"I love you more, baby. Honest to God."
"But in the morning, seriously—"
"We'll worry about the morning, in the morning. Right now, I just need you to... Mmm..." Toni had begun to kiss all over my collarbone as I spoke. Any bit of affection I was getting from her right now melted me from the inside out. The mere thought of her leaving me had me feigning for her touch. I couldn't do it. I never would be able to. It was too good. The best I'd ever had.
"I missed you, too," she mumbled before looking up at me with puppy dog eyes and puckered lips. I immediately kissed her passionately and she smacked my ass, making me moan.
"Tell me how you want me tonight. And don't be shy, baby." I growled into her ear.
"All red... like the first night, please."
"Of course. Three minutes," I kissed her lips. "Make yourself..." then her jaw, "...comfortable." One more kiss on her lips, and I left her to go change as quickly as I could before she had any second thoughts. When I came back, she was examining the whips I had hung up on the wall. I was clad in the bright red lingerie set she'd requested, complete with matching lipstick. Just as I was pulling my hair into a ponytail, she turned around with a lust in her eyes that I hadn't seen in a pretty long time. It made me kind of shy, but I tried not to let it show.
"Better?" I asked.
"The best," she said. "Come here." She reached out for me and I fell into her arms and she began to kiss me again. In the back of my mind, I knew we wouldn't really be the same after tonight. But I couldn't think about it too much. I just wanted to feel her in the way that I had grown so accustomed to over the last four months. It's all I could hope for and salvage at this point.
"Let me undress you."
"I guess I could have changed too, huh?" She looked down at herself.
"Nonsense. You are so sexy right now." I pulled her shirt up over her head as she kicked her shoes off. "And I really wanted to do something about it in Maryland, but I didn't want to start anything I couldn't finish. Your ass in these jeans..." I squatted down in front of her and smacked it with both hands. She watched as I unbuttoned them and pulled them all the way down her legs, kissing her thighs as soon as they were exposed. She held onto my shoulders to step out of them.
When she was just in underwear like me, I stood up straight and looked her in the eyes. "How wet is it for me?"
"Extremely." She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against mine, just reveling in our closeness as I teasingly pulled at her thong.
"Can I see?"
"Mhm."
I let one finger slip beneath her underwear and between her folds. It made her shudder against me. She was right; soaking wet. I could only imagine what the inside felt like. I would know soon enough. "My goodness."
I took my hand away, which made her open her eyes just as I was putting that finger up to my lips and into my mouth. I moaned sensually as I tasted her, causing her to let out a puff of air. "And you taste so good already."
Toni bit her lip in a blatant desire for more.
She had to know that this was only the beginning. I needed her to feel my love more than she ever had before. I was going to make it nearly impossible for her to want to change her mind about us.
"Toni Michele, I am feeling very much in the mood to be bossed around tonight," I purred as I pulled us into the bed. I collapsed easily onto my back as soon as the back of my knees hit the mattress. I opened up my legs for her to lie between, and I smoothed her hair back and out of her face. "What do you think? Do you want to tell me what to do?"
It wasn't often that I verbally relinquished to her that kind of authority over me in the bedroom, but I was pulling each and every stop out this time. I had to, and I was more than willing.
"Yeah, I think I'd like that." She smiled.
"Perfect."