Toni
I pulled myself out of bed the next morning, feeling like I weighed a million pounds. After Jan was asleep, I decided to have a few more glasses and some time alone on the balcony, and now I was paying for it. She was already up and repacking our bags with some calming music playing in the background. The sun was peeking through the heavy curtains, and I felt a slight breeze from where I'd left the back door ajar. It was a beautiful day, but there was a constant rain cloud hanging over my head.
"Hey, good morning." She smiled as she walked past me and noticed I was awake. She was always so radiant in the morning, no matter what. I had to smile back.
"Good morning."
"How are you feeling?"
"Hungover." I rubbed my face and dragged myself into the bathroom to wash my face. I was happy we bathed last night, because I was not in a showering mood today. What I really wanted were my favorite sweats, a few good movies and a rainy day to justify my mood, but the universe had other plans.
"I saw you went back for more." She sat on the edge of the tub and watched me brush my teeth. "You're still okay to go to breakfast?"
I nodded my head. "Let's just get it over with and go home. I miss our bed. I didn't sleep great last night."
"I understand. Well, I'm just gonna get dressed, so we can leave whenever you're ready." She left me alone. I looked at myself in the mirror for a while after I'd finished up. I almost didn't recognize the person staring back. She was empty, and tired, and conflicted.
I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head and went back into the room to get dressed as well. Janet had already laid my clothes out for the day. I smiled at the gesture, and then came up behind her as she was putting her jacket on to assist. She jumped.
"Don't do that! Jesus..." she grabbed her chest. I chuckled.
"Sorry, sorry." I turned her body around to face me. She had a perplexed look on her face.
"What is it?"
"Nothing, I just... thank you." I straightened out the collar on her denim jacket and let my hands fall naturally down her torso until they secured her waist. "You don't understand how much I appreciate your support, honest to God."
She smiled and kissed me gently. "You're welcome, always, sweetheart. We're gonna be late though. So we will have to continue this on the plane. Get dressed." She patted my backside and disappeared into the bathroom to put her makeup on.
I shook my head and finished getting ready.
The car ride had me on pins and needles. We really were pretty late, which meant all eyes would be on me. Much like the dinner we had at my house, I had no clue what this gathering would turn out to be. We were all just devastated, but I couldn't deny how pleasant it was to see us all in one room, my father included. The only issue now was that we were one short at the head of the table. I don't know if any of us would get used to that.
The host escorted us to the private dining room and sure enough, everyone was already knee deep in conversation and food. Because of everyone's children and spouses, there were actually two long tables filled. As the door shut behind Jan and I, we got about half of the room's attention. Trina was the first to speak up.
"Look who's here! I thought you guys wouldn't make it." She stood up and greeted us as the focus shifted entirely on our presence. I squeezed Janet's hand tightly before letting go to embrace my younger sister. "How are you today?" She muttered in my ear. I just gave her one singular nod with a tight-lipped expression. She picked up on it immediately. "I know, I know. Janet, good to see you again. I don't know how I missed you at the service completely." She gave her a hug too.
"I know. Good to see you too."
While they caught up, I gave the rest of the room one solid wave and a pained smile. Emotions were mixed, but as I scanned the tables, one particularly sorrowful face caught my eye in particular, and that was Kenny. He was sitting next to Vince and Tamar, trying not to hold eye contact with me for too long. It was already too late. My gaze only left his face when Janet's hand on the small of my back pulled me away.
"Trina," I called as she went to take her seat again. I noticed the only two remaining seats happened to be right across from him. I felt my heart begin to race.
"Yes, ma'am?" She was already pouring herself another mimosa from the buffet counter.
"Come here for a second? Jan, do you wanna set our stuff down?"
Janet helped me out of my coat willingly. "Sure." My guess is she hadn't seen him yet, but she would very soon. I kissed her cheek before she left.
"What's up?" Trina asked when we were left alone. I glanced over again to see Janet giving hugs to all of my sisters, starting at the end furthest from him. I had to force myself to peel my eyes away yet again to talk to Trina.
"Why is he—"
"He couldn't make it yesterday, as you saw... we invited him because... well, he's still family... to... us," she explained carefully. "He flew all the way from Europe to be here, Toni."
"Bullshit. Bullshit. And furthermore, why do I have to sit right next to him? Who's bright idea was that?" I crossed my arms.
"Honestly, that was just how it ended up. Not on purpose. Gabe and I will switch with you, if—"
"No, everyone's comfortable already. Actually, I would like to talk to him. Don't worry about it."
"Toni, please don't cause a scene..." she begged. "We just got everybody situated, and... the kids—"
"When do I ever cause a scene? Don't worry. I'll be civil."
"Okay..." she said reluctantly.
"Hey, I got you a drink, um..." Janet returned with two bright orange champagne flutes filled with the spiked orange juice. I took one. "Did you know—"
"Hell no. But it's okay. We're all adults, right?"
She eyed me carefully. I'm sure she was expecting me to blow up, but I didn't want to do that. He didn't deserve any more of my energy. He was here for my family. Not me.
"... Right..."
"You want me to fix you a plate? Hey, I don't think you've met my dad yet," I said.
"No, I got it... Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes, baby. I can handle myself, and him, if need be. I just want to eat, mingle a little, and go. An hour, tops. Okay?"
"Okay, Toni Michele."
"I promise. Come on, I'm starving." I grabbed her free hand and took us to the extensive buffet table. I hadn't eaten a full meal in what felt like days. I filled my plate and balanced it carefully all the way until we got back to our seats. My father was sitting at the head of the table, and I gave him a kiss on the cheek as I sat down adjacent to him. "Hey, Daddy. I don't think you got a chance to meet Jan."
"No, but I know exactly who she is." He grinned at her. They shook hands briefly before she took her seat. "It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Likewise." Janet responded.
"Uh... Hi, Toni Braxton." Tamar waved her hands in front of me as I dug in.
"Hello, Tay, Vince... Kenny." I muttered his name under my breath and continued to focus on my food.
"Hi, Toni." Face said meekly.
"We thought you wasn't coming," Tamar explained behind a napkin so that he wouldn't hear. I shook my head.
"No need to whisper. He was like a son to her. How'd you make it back so quickly?" I asked him.
"I left right after the show last night, and I have to head out again this evening."
I simply nodded. He cleared his throat. "I, uh... I was hoping I'd get a chance to speak with you before I left, though."
"Speak." I responded bluntly.
"Private—Privately."
"No time. We're leaving right after this."
"Okay. When you finish eating then, maybe?"
I set my fork down slowly. I immediately felt Janet's petite hand on my thigh. "Anything you need to say to me can be said right now. At this table." I kept my voice low and calm as not to bring so much attention to us, but the reality was that our entire table was watching to see what my next move would be. At that very moment, I didn't care.
"And let me just say this, too." I began, folding my hands neatly on the table. "If, by any chance you are wanting to apologize to me for the umpteenth time, do not even waste your energy. I'm sure Evelyn would have wanted us to live and let live."
I heard Tamar let out a soft sniffle at the mention of our mother's name. For me, talking about her this soon after her death didn't make me emotional the way it should have.
"You're probably right. But maybe... Maybe she would have wanted us to at least start to mend some fences," he proposed.
I laughed. "And why is that? I'm her own flesh and blood, and she didn't even try to make this whole thing up to me. Don't give her that much credit."
"Toni, don't talk about your mother that way. She loved all of her children," my father cut in.
"Baby," Janet said quietly, rubbing my thigh.
"Maybe so, but it was not unconditional. Let's call a spade a spade. Before she left this earth, her last days were dedicated to making her first born's life a living hell." My voice began to rise and catch some more attention. The grip Janet had on my leg now was almost enough to draw blood through my jeans.
"Alright, maybe we should—" Face began.
"Should what, Kenneth? What should we do?"
"Settle down. She wouldn't have wanted us—"
"Okay, enough of that. You don't know what she wanted. You're not gonna keep throwing that in my face, alright? She's gone. We have no clue how she would have reacted to this. It's uncharted territory, and you have to man up and deal with your mistakes."
"I'm trying to do that now."
I laughed and leaned back in my seat. "No you're not. You're not. What you're doing is trying to dance around the fact that you ultimately... killed her." I said casually, sipping my drink.
That was too much for Tamar. She violently stood up from her chair and ran away in a hysterical cry. The air in the room was sucked out like a vacuum as Vince went after her. I held my ground.
"Toni, that's enough." Daddy said. I bounced my leg and waited for Kenny's response. He just stared down in his lap, his jaw clenched tightly in an effort to hold back tears.
"Face, look at me," I said quietly. I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the table. "You can't look at me, can you? Because you know it's true. Everyone does. Just say it."
"Stop, Toni," Janet ordered firmly.
"Not until he admits it."
"Alright, you know what? I thought this whole thing would be different, but I can see it was a mistake coming here." Kenny started to push away from the table. "I don't even know who you are anymore."
"You're so blissfully ignorant, my God. Kenneth, you made me this way! You are the reason we all have to even be here, the reason we're having this conversation, and to top it all off, you're a coward. So go ahead and run away. That seems to be completely in character for you, as of recent."
"Fine, okay?! Fine. I did. I killed your mother the moment I showed that tabloid to her. Does that make you happy, Toni?! Does it make you feel good to have me confess that in front of your whole family? Your girlfriend? Can you sleep at night now?! That is some sick and twisted closure that you require."
"It's not closure for me at all. That was for you. You needed to hear your own voice say that you singlehandedly ruined two very good things in both of our lives. Because you were so jealous, selfish, and the worst, conceited enough to think you could actually come between this? Janet Jackson? And me? You never had a chance in hell." I scoffed. "And we can sit here and speculate all day about how Evelyn would have taken it, had I been the one to tell her about us, but I stopped doing that. It doesn't matter. This is what happened. This is the bed you made, so yes. This 'closure' is for you. Lie in it."
I got up slowly from my chair, feeling a million and one eyes on me. I stared him down as I left the room and went straight out into the vacant waiting area.
Not thirty seconds later, I heard quick footsteps approaching me, and a hand on my shoulder whipping me around. It was Janet, and steam was basically pouring from her ears.
"What in the hell was that?" She fumed.
"That, Janet, was the truth. You know what? I'm so sick of all of these family secrets and murmurs getting swept under the rug, especially at my expense. They all needed to know."
"And do you really think that 24 hours after putting the matriarch of this family six feet under was the right time to 'clear the air?' Your nieces and nephews are in there, bawling their eyes out. Everyone is." She shoved my jacket and purse into my hands. I furrowed my eyebrows in vexation.
"Who's side are you on, Jan?"
"I'm not on anyone's side. All of it was wrong. This whole thing. It's one thing to defend you when you're helpless, and—"
"So you think I'm helpless, now?"
"Yes. That night, you were. And you know exactly what I'm talking about, so don't make me say it. I was there for you, and I have been. But this time, you're not innocent."
I smacked my hands against my thighs in frustration. "Janet, I have been fighting everyone for happiness. I've been fighting everyone for you. The least you could do is—"
"I didn't ask for that."
"Oh, so you're telling me you would have been more than okay for all of this to fall apart if I hadn't? Because it most definitely would have, and if you don't care whether or not we make it, that's good to know. Thank you for that."
I stormed out and into the parking lot just as she was trying to explain herself. As soon as I looked up, I saw a crowd of people starting to form just outside the restaurant's premises with their phones pointed at me. I felt like screaming. I quickly rushed back inside and into the bathroom.
I could never have peace. I was so sick of defending myself, and hiding, and being mad.
"Toni, we need to catch this flight," I heard Janet's weary, detached voice from the other side of the door.
"Is the car here?"
"I just called for it."
"Call me when it's here."
"Open the door. I'm not gonna do this."
"Then don't. You already said you don't care."
"I never—Toni Michele, open the door!"
"Stop calling me that."
I heard her sigh. "Ten minutes."
We didn't speak the entire plane ride home. I slept for most of it with my headphones and sunglasses on, and my body turned towards the window. She was consumed in something on her phone, but I felt her gaze from time to time as I dozed in and out of consciousness.
When I felt the plane taxi, I quickly got my things together.
"Toni." She said, placing a hand on my thigh. Slowly, I looked down at it, and then up at her. "We can't... We have to talk."
I removed her hand from my leg. "I don't want to talk right now." I squeezed past her for my suitcase and to fix myself up in bathroom. Once I came back, she was doing the same, and there was someone getting on to bring our stuff to the car.
I stepped out of the way for them to do so, but didn't wait for her to get in the car. I actually sat in the front seat as opposed to us both in the back. Janet gave me a solemn look as I opened the front door, but didn't argue.
I turned the music up to combat some of the silence, and when I was sure she wasn't paying attention, I gave the driver the address to my own house to drop me off at first. As he made a quick left at a light, I started to feel a little guilty, so I turned the music down and turned around in my seat.
"Hey, I'm gonna go home for a little bit," I began warily.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that this week has been incredibly tough, and—"
"You've practically spent the week by yourself. I didn't bother you at all. Why can't you come home with me?"
"Because, I just—"
"Excuse me, can you pull over for just a moment?" Janet requested of the driver.
"That won't be necessary, honey," I countered.
"Stop the car." She said. He immediately pulled into a shopping plaza, and then stepped out of the car to give us privacy. I was embarrassed.
"That was really unnecessary," I told her, turning back around in my seat.
"That's what we pay him to do. And I'm not gonna argue with the back of your head, so come sit back here, please and thank you."
I climbed over the center console with a huff and sat as far away from her as I could. "What are we doing, huh? This isn't us. We don't act like this. And we definitely don't run away from our problems."
"I don't know what to tell you, Janet. I'm just so tired of fighting with everyone. I need a minute for myself. That's what I'm keeping the house for anyway, right? For times just like this one. You said so."
"I regret giving you that option," she stated, shaking her head. "I really do. It's a cop out. Other couples, they don't get to do that. They have to stay, and fight, and figure it out. We're no different, okay?"
"Didn't you just tell me that you never asked me to fight?" I argued. "Isn't that what you said at the restaurant?"
She took a deep breath. "If you would let me talk to you, you would have known by now that that's not at all what I meant. And I'm sure you know it already. You're a smart woman."
I scoffed. "I know what I heard, and I know what you meant. And you know what, Jan? I can't even be mad at you for it. It's how you feel. Your honesty is uncanny. I will give you that."
"Don't get sarcastic and antagonistic. That's the same thing you did at breakfast today, and it's what you do every time shit gets hard for you. A wall goes up. Why can't you just admit when—"
"When what? When I'm helpless?"
"Yes, Toni. When you are helpless. When you don't have all the answers, and when you're wrong."
"When I think I'm out of line, I admit to it. Now is not one of those times."
"And maybe that's the problem."
She sat back in her seat. "I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know how to make you understand."
"Understand what?"
"Never mind. You wanna go? Go ahead."
"No. You said it now. So come on."
"I will just say this. Either you come home with me tonight, and we discuss it some more, or you go home."
"And what?"
"That's it."