Chapter 17
I was holding back my sobs while wiping the tears continuously falling from my now swollen eyes.
What's the big deal, really? Ano naman kung bisexual ako? Walang mali, lalong walang masama!
Hindi ko tuloy maiwasan mainggit kay Iris. When she admitted her feelings, people didn't reacted this way. There were lots of people in this university who were members of the LGBT community. I don't want to imagine the pain they might get if they were on my shoes or if they heard every words. I was sure, Iris will go ballistic if she was with me back there.
I should have listened when I was told to be careful with that Gabrielle. Bagay talaga sila ni Luis! Bakit hindi na lang sila magbalikan? Ako pa ang unang kikiligin... I almost puked with that thought. Kadiri!
Mahinang hikbi na lang ang maririnig sa loob ng kotse. Tumigil na din ang pagtulo ng luha ko. When I took a glace on my compact mirror, I looked horrible. My light makeup were washed off by the tears, leaving me with my pale face. So I decided to, at least, put some color on my face.
Nang matapos ay tinignan ko ang oras, may klase pa siguro si Haley. Lumabas ako ng sasakyan at dumiretso sa likurang bahagi nito. I hissed when I looked at the words that stained my white car. I can't helped but accused Luis for doing this thing on my car, it wasn't a coincidence that he was here and then this!
"Fuck you, asshole!" I cursed when I realized it was written using a spray paint.
Walang nagawang pumasok na lang ulit ako ng sasakyan. Haley would definitely see that!
Nakakapagod din pala ang magalit kaya 'di ko namalayang nakaidlip ako habang nakapatong ang ulo sa steering wheel.
I immediately lifted my face when I felt someone staring at me.
"Haley.." sabi ko ng makita ko siyang nakatingin sa akin.
Anong oras na ba? Did I overslept? Was I dreaming?
"Sorry," hingi ko ng paumanhin saka mabilis na umayos ng upo.
Nanatili lang itong nakatingin sa akin kaya kinabahan ako bigla. How I wish it was all a dream.
"What really happened?" tanong niya.
Unti-unti na namang bumabalik ang sama ng loob. Hindi ko siya agad sinagot, so it wasn't a dream. Pinakalma ko muna ang sarili. Nang magkaroon ng lakas ng loob ay saka ko pa lang siya nilingon. Kinakabahan ako sa magiging reaksiyon niya.
"They found out," sabi ko sa mahinang boses. "I don't know how. But I can fix this, I will settle this, I promise."
"My friends were asking me if I am your girlfriend.." sabi niya, "Since we're so close.."
"Don't worry, mahal. The issue will eventually subside. Besides, we've talked about this, already. Unti unti tayong aamin, 'di ba?"
"I said no cause I'm in a relationship with someone else," patuloy niya, hindi pinansin ang sinabi ko saka nag-iwas ng tingin.
Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kaniya, tinatantiya kung ano talaga ang gusto niyang iparating.
"Okay. But you could have told them the truth though. They're your friends. We owe our friends the truth," paliwanag ko.
I don't want her to be involved in this mess. But this is also a good chance to admit our relationship to our friends.. tell them step by step.
"I said I'm in a relationship with someone.." ulit niya.
Tumango ako. Mula sa pagkakahawak sa steering wheel ay kinuha ko ang kamay niya, pinagsalikop ko iyon.
"Yes, mahal. You have a point, dalawa dapat tayong aamin," malambing kong sabi habang pinagmamasdan ang kamay naming dalawa.
"That's not what I meant."
"What do you want?" tanong ko, pilit isinasantabi ang gustong mangyari.
She shifted on her seat and faced me. "Bea, listen. I don't want to admit what we have."
I don't know but her words broke me. Was she ashamed?
I tried to speak but I couldn't formed the right words to say. I'm scared we're not on the same page anymore, that something had changed.
Mas hinigpitan ko pa ang kapit sa kamay niya. Hindi ako bibitaw... Hindi pa.
"Whatever you want. You're my boss," I whispered as I pulled her into a hug so I could hide the tears started forming.
I am your genie Haley, so willing to grant whatever you wishes even if it will cause me pain. I'll do it.
"I'm sorry, ayokong madamay.." bulong niya.
"I understand. Don't worry," mahina kong sabi, sinusupil ang gustong kumawalang hikbi. I just wanted comfort, but it didn't come.
I understand. I fucking understand even if my heart was already breaking.
"Uwi na tayo?" mahina kong tanong habang pasimpleng pinupunasan ang pisngi.
"Mauna ka na, ipaayos mo na din ang likod ng kotse mo."
From then, I could see the uncertainty in her eyes. The warmth was no longer there and the familiarity seemed so foreign now.
Muli akong nagising ng mabilis na bumangon si Haley sa kama at lumabas ng kwarto. Bumalik din naman siya agad, basa pa ang mukha. Tumagilid ako ng higa kaya napansin ko ang bedsheet.
"Mahal, nagkaroon ka na ba ngayong month?" tanong ko.
Nahinto ito sa pagpupunas ng mukha saka mabilis na tumingin sa akin.
"H-Hindi pa," sabi niya.
Mula sa kaniya ay nilipat ko ulit ang tingin sa bedsheet.
"Well, you just had your period, may tagos ka," balewala kong sabi saka tumayo na.
"W-What.."
Lalabas na sana ako ng kwarto kaya lang ay 'di ko maipaliwanag ang naging reaksiyon ni Haley. Pagtataka, takot, pangamba, gulat ang nababasa ko sa mga mata niya.
"Okay ka lang?" tanong ko.
"Oo. Maliligo na ako."
Pumunta na lang ako ng kusina at naghanda ng breakfast. Sandwich at juice lang ang inihanda ko.
"Mag-breakfast ka na," sabi ko ng matapos na siyang gumayak.
Agad itong umiling, pilit iniiwas ang tingin.
"Hindi na. Alis na ako," nagmamadali niyang sabi.
"Hindi ka ba ulit sasabay sa akin pumasok?" huling tanong ko.
Wala akong nakuhang sagot. Tunog na lang ng pagsarado ng pinto ang narinig ko. Pinagmasdan ko ang hinanda kong pagkain, ako nalang siguro ang uubos nito.
Pagkatapos kumain ay gumayak na rin ako. Pagkadating sa university ay ganoon pa rin kung makatingin ang iba. Like I was a walking sinner. Dahil sa nangyari noong isang linggo ay muli kaming ipinatawag sa faculty office. What happened was an act of bullying and the university would not tolerate any acts as such. Gabrielle Wong was suspended for a week, ngayon na lang ulit kami magkikita.
"Good morning, Ma'am Amelia," bati ko ng makita sa office si Ma'am.
"Are you okay?" tanong niya matapos ilipat ang atensiyon sa akin mula sa mga papeles na nakalatag sa table niya.
Tipid akong ngumiti at tumango na lang. Iminuwestra niya sakin ang silya sa harapan kaya umupo ako.
"Ms. Wong will be returning today. You're college students now and bullying isn't usual on your age. You're grown ups. Please, talk it out and reconciliate if you can."
Tumango lang ulit ako.
"About the pageant. We didn't violate any rules, so your win is valid," dugtong pa niya.
Naguluhan ako ng marinig iyon.
"Rules po?" tanong ko.
Tumango ito. "Hindi ka naman nagpa-retoke or anything. You didn't performed surgery just to be a girl. You're a natural girl from the outside so it's all valid. I'm not against LGBT but still, rules are rules."
So if I'm a transgender, I couldn't join the intrams? Is that what she meant? It's quite unfair and unequal but yeah, rules are rules.
I pinched my self just to stop myself from zoning out. I suddenly wondered, when will that rules be bend? Because, we, our types, mostly conforms to what other people would only want to see. Admit it or not, we are judged dahil lumalabag lang naman kami sa batas sa mata ng mga tao. Tao lang din ang nagpapakumplikado ng lahat. And that was the hard truth. My hand almost formed a fist with that realization.
"With all due respect, ma'am. If I'm a gay and I want to join upcoming pageants in this school, I can't?" paglilinaw ko pa.
"No worries, Bea. Magkakaroon ang university ng platform para diyan. Actually, next year magkakaroon ng pageants para sa mga transgender. It's a way for the students to know that our university acknowledge every individual."
Natigil kami sa pag-uusap ng maupo si Gabrielle sa katabi kong upuan.
"Good morning, ma'am," bati niya kay ma'am, hindi man lang niya ako tinapunan ng tingin na parang hangin lang na nakaupo sa tabi.
"Since your suspension has been lifted. I want you to settle everything. I, personally, don't tolerate bullying and discrimination, Ms. Wong so I am not happy with what you did. I will leave you two here so you could talk."
Ilang minuto na wala pa ring nagsasalita. Unlike before, konti lang ang professors na nandito kaya tahimik talaga ang office. Malayo din kami sa kanila dahil nasa dulo itong table ni ma'am.
"Ang kapal talaga ng mukha mo 'no?"
My brows automatically raised with that. What the hell?
"Excuse me?" sarkastiko kong sabi. Ako pa talaga?
"I wonder kung bakit ako lang ang na-suspend when in fact, you are more a disgrace than what I did." matapang niyang sabi.
"Do you hear yourself, Gab?" hindi makapaniwala kong sabi. "Hindi lang ako ang bisexual sa mundo. We are a community. Watch what you are saying! Hindi lang ako ang iniinsulto mo dito, Gab!"
Seriously? What did she do in those one week? Didn't she reflected on her actions? Her suspension was all useless then.
"I don't even give a damn care. If so, you are the most disgusting of them all," she fired back.
"That's a sick mentality," nagtitimpi kong sabi.
"Freak! I don't even know what Chad sees in you."
Kung may mas itataas pa ang kilay ko, hindi ko na lang alam. She was blabbering nonsense. I massaged my head. It suddenly throbbed because of what she was saying.
"You should have dropped out. And please, don't wear our uniform-"
Oh god. I couldn't take it anymore.
"Shut up," pigil ko sa kaniya, patuloy na hinihilot ang ulo.
"How dare you?" she scowled.
Nagulat siya ng bigla na lang akong tumayo.
"Three things for you Gab... Accept your flaws. Acknowledge your mistakes. Apologize for your behavior, that's so simple, reflect on it," sabi ko saka umalis na. Sana naman matauhan na siya.
Nagpaalam na ako kay ma'am ng makita ko siya sa labas.
"Did you two settled things already?" tanong ni ma'am.
Ngumiti lang ako. That Gab was a hopeless case.
Naglalakad na ako papunta ng room nang mapagtanto na useless kung papasok pa ako, hindi ko rin naman sigurado kung makakapakinig ako sa lessons ng maayos kaya dumiretso na lang ako sa playground. Matagal na din akong hindi napupunta doon.
Nilapag ko agad sa gilid ang gamit ko ng makarating at naupo na sa swing. I rarely cut class, this was probably my third time doing so.
Hindi ko maiwasang matulala ng maalala ko si Haley. Isang linggo na din na hindi kami nakikitang magkasama sa campus. Ni hindi na rin siya sumasabay sa akin umuwi. In the past few days, Haley became so distant, in school or not. Yes, we talked, but that was it. We had our conversations but it actually lacked communication. Hindi din namin napagusapan ang nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Gab. She made me feel alone like I was fighting this battle alone with no support. I just wanted her to comfort me.. Is it too much to ask?
I sighed. Nevertheless, my love for her was the same. It didn't changed.. even a bit.
Nalipat ang pansin ko ng may naaninag akong gumalaw sa gilid ko. I almost shrieked. I thought it was a ghost!
Nang makita kung sino. I'd rather prefer the latter.
"What are you doing here?" malamig kong tanong.
"Uh.. dito ako madalas tumambay," paliwanag niya.
Mabilis akong tumayo para kuhanin na ang mga gamit ko. "I'll leave then."
Dapat pala sa tambayan nalang ako dumiretso. Umiiwas lang naman ako kila Iris dahil purgang purga na ako sa mga sentimyento niya. Like I predicted, she was so mad. Inaaway niya ako kung bakit hindi daw ako lumaban o bakit hindi ko man lang siya tinawagan para rumesbak.
"No. You can stay," pigil niya.
I rolled my eyes. Of course I can stay, I was the one who found out about this place.
Nanatili akong nakatayo, iniisip kung aalis ba o uupo ulit.
Napapabuntong hiningang umupo na lang ako. Hindi ko siya kinibo, nakatingin lang ako sa harap. I remained silent until she broke it.
"I'm sorry," aniya.
I didn't reacted. I didn't even glanced at her.
"Cari."
I flinched a little. It has been a while since someone called me that... since she called me that.
"I'm really sorry."
I titled my head a bit to look at her. She was not looking at me, she was busy playing with her hand.
"What for?" malamig ko pa ring tanong.
Why was she talking to me now? I thought we were strangers.
"For turning my back on a friend," she explained.
I snorted. "We're not really friends."
Hindi siya sumagot. I decided to just leave. Tumayo na ulit ako kaya lang ay narinig ko ang marahan niyang hikbi. Nang lingunin ko si Nika ay bahagya ring yumuyugyog ang balikat niya. Kumunot ang noo ko. What was wrong? Bigla akong nataranta.
"I'm really sorry, Bea," nanginginig niyang sabi.
Mula sa pagtataka ay unti unting umusbong sa akin ang pangamba.. pangamba na baka may kinalaman siya kung bakit nangyayari sa akin 'to.
"Ikaw ba.. ikaw ba ang nagsabi ng tungkol sa akin?"
Nag-angat siya ng tingin, basa pa ang mukha ng luha.
"No.." she said as she shook her head no. "It was Haley."
My face probably had its own question mark since confusion was written all over it.
"Anong sinasabi mo?" tanong ko.
She wiped her tears first before answering me. "Gab is my cousin."
What the fuck. Small world, huh.
"So you betrayed me," it was not really a question but a conclusion.
"No! I stopped her, okay? In the first place, I didn't even agree on her. Ang babaw lang!" aniya. "And you are my friend," bulong niya pa na narinig ko naman.
"Bakit ako?" tanong ko bago umupo.
Sa totoo lang, napakababaw lang ng galit sa akin ni Gab. Ang babaw niya. I didn't even think that her anger was valid.
"She was so head over heels in love with Chad.. Chad Sison? Remember him? The captain?"
She asked but I only nodded. My mouth was in a grim line.
"She thought that Chad was into her.. but then hindi pala. She learned about Chad's apple of the eye, which was you. Her anger doubled when you were picked to be our college's representative in the intrams. Hindi pa tayo magkakilala noong kayo pa ni Chad, pero alam ko ng may galit siya sa'yo... I don't even know you yet... Personally."
"Hindi naging kami ni Chad.. saka wala na dito si Chad. He transferred!" I said in grimaced.
"But then you wouldn't changed the fact that he loved you."
Nilingon ko siya, magkasalubong ang kilay. "Anong gusto mong iparating?"
Huminga ito ng malalim. "Hindi ko pinagtatanggol si Gab dahil alam kong malaki ang kasalanan niya sa 'yo. But I was there.. andoon ako noong mga panahong nasasaktan siya dahil kay Chad.. at Luis,"
Hindi ako nagsalita kaya itinuloy niya ang sinasabi niya. Kung kanina ay nagagawa ko pang tumingin sa kaniya, ngayon ay diretso lang ang tingin ko sa harap. Natatakot ako dahil unti unti akong naniniwala sa kaniya.
"Gab was driven by her anger and insecurity. Hindi mo lang ramdam pero madami na ang nakakaalam ng tungkol sa iyo. We were okay with it, there's nothing wrong, tanggap ka namin.. tanggap kita." malumanay niyang sabi.
"Kung tanggap mo ako. Bakit lumayo ka?" lakas loob kong tanong.
"I don't want to choose sides, okay? Kaya lumayo ako sa inyong dalawa. I don't want to betrayed any of you two if I choose sides. You are so important to me, Bea."
"What?"
"Mahal kita.."
My eyes widened in surprise. Was she serious?!
"Pero alam kong mahal mo siya," dugtong niya.
I gulped. "H-How.. why?" naguguluhan kong tanong.
"Nagalit ako kay Gab ng marinig ko lahat ng sinabi niya sa 'yo... I am also a bisexual."
I froze. "W-What.."
She chuckled. "Nakakagulat ba? Akala ko kasi nahalata mo na lalo noong nagpa-practice tayo,"
Umiling lang ako.
"It was a 'love at first sight' kind of story. Andito din tayo noon. Dito tayo unang nag-meet, remember?"
"Bakit nasali si Haley dito?" tanong ko, sadyang 'di pinansin ang sinabi niya. Naalala kong binanggit niya ang pangalan ni Haley.
Ngumiti siya ng pilit. "Alam kong mahal na mahal mo siya."
"Bakit, Nika?"
Nagulat ako ng tumayo siya saka humakbang sakin palapit.
"You'll always be my friend, Cari, no matter what."
Tiningala ko siya, "What are you saying?"
"I want her to be the one to explain," She said mysteriously. "If you are her genie then maybe, I can be your magic carpet. I'm always willing to save you from your fall. Even if catching you will make me tear apart,"
I was just there, frozen still. She lean a bit and held both my cheeks.
"I'm just here," she whispered as she closed her eyes, a tear fell.
A soft and tender thing touched my lips.
Hindi ko alam na may ikalalaki pa pala ang mga mata ko. She kissed me.. Nika kissed me!
After that, Nika left me dumbfounded.
Bakit ganito? Ito ang madalas na nararamdaman ko kapag kaharap si Haley. Pero si Nika iyon.. I held my chest, where my heart can be found, it was beating so loud and fast.
Was it supposed to react like this?
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