7 years ago
After coming out of the hospital, I didn't speak a word to anyone. I went to work, but wouldn't speak on the phones. My job tried to talk to me because they care...no scratch that it's because I am a good worker, but they don't need me. They instead put me on leave until I would speak again. Andre kept trying to talk to me, but the words. They wouldn't escape my mouth. After awhile I just stopped doing much of anything. I didn't speak, and I didn't eat. I just mostly slept. I don't even remember what happened really. I just remember opening my eyes and seeing Andre and Jasmine crying over me as someone carried me out of the room. A month I thought, but really it was 5 months.
I was hospitalized again and this time put into involuntary care. I was put in a room and only checked on to make sure I ate.
6 years ago
After not speaking for all of 7 months and 2 months in involuntary care, I was finally announced recovered. However I didn't feel recovered at all. The words words I spoke to the on call therapist was
"Do I still have a job?"
I realized that my rent wasn't getting paid, but somehow I hadn't been evicted. Which confused me. She called my job and asked if they would let me keep the position. They agreed, but I would have to apply again. There was some paperwork that was heavily involved and then about a week or so later.
"Okay dear, you are going to be released to go home, but I want you to stay in contact and I want to continue a session once biweekly."
"Okay. I can do that." I managed to say.
When I looked at the paper work they gave me I saw notes from the therapist. I don't think they were suppose to actually be there in the packet they gave me, but somehow got mixed up.
"Jade Jackson, age 23 has gone perversely mute due to recent rape case. License states she is 165lbs at 5'5" but has lost 55lbs due to not eating during this time. Doesn't appear to have any pre-conditioned disorders."
Then there was a picture of my license and then a picture of what I looked like coming in the hospital.
"Holy Fucking Shit!" I said out loud as I was standing in my apartment.
Then I get a call from Andre.
"Hello?"
"Jade...JADE YOU SPOKE! Oh thank god. I was just gonna leave a voicemail I got a call from the hospital saying that they sent you home, I wanted to pick you up, but I didn't know when and if you'd want me to." He started going a thousand miles a minute.
"Andre, I'm okay. I'm at home."
"Oh please say those words again"
"I'm okay and I'm at home."
"Can I come over, I won't bring Jasmine I promise."
"No no, it's okay. I need to face this. We need to face this. Btw can you tell me about how my rent was still being paid. I just talked to my landlord and he said I never missed a payment."
"Yea..about that.. Look I'll explain when I get there I just really need to see you."
Sure enough about 20 minutes later he knocks lightly then comes in.
"Jade.."
"Hey Andre."
"Can I hug you?"
I nod and he meets me in a hug. I somewhat feel ashamed by it all. I mean this is the same man that broke my heart twice and then became friends again only to have me get sexually abused by the woman he chose me over, and then raped by an acquaintance he plays basket ball with. He hugs me for a long time, only for me to look up and see that he's crying.
"Why are you crying?" I softly ask. My voice still hasn't come back to volume.
"Because...shit a few months ago you were a skeleton, I couldn't hardly hold you without feeling like I would break you. I seen death before...but I never actually watched it in slow motion. You were wasting away literally. I don't ever wanna see that again."
"I'm okay now I guess."
"You guess, no no no no no, you can't guess. Why did they release you if you guess if your okay. Do I need to call them?"
"Wait wait stop. I mean I'm about as okay as one could be in this situation. That's what I meant."
"Oh. Okay." He breathed and calmed down.
"You said you didn't bring Jasmine-"
"I didn't"
"I know but I saw her right before I ended up in the hospital."
"Okay that time was because I was already with her and she begged me to have her come with me. "
"So tell me, what happened because I hardly remember anything."
"In short you died. You went into cardiac arrest, but the paramedic's were able to revive you long along enough to get you back to the hospital."
"I..died..."
"Yea Jasmine was screaming she was so sorry, I was a wreck.-"
"But how did I go into cardiac arrest?"
"You were so malnourished because you weren't eating anything and lost so much weight your organs started shutting down."
I sat down on the couch. "What else happened?"
"Me and Jasmine followed the ambulance since they wouldn't let us in it. When I got there, I kept staring at you to see if you were still breathing and I can hardly see your chest move. Your face was so sunken in you looked like a corpse."
Subconsciously I touch my face, but my cheeks didn't feel so sunken in, but they weren't so full either they used to be.
"When they told us that you had to go to an institution, we panicked, but We wanted you to get better."
"So you paid my rent while I was gone?"
"Yea, both Jasmine and I did. You had missed a few months after your job laid you off, but I paid for those and told the landlord not to bother you about it."
"You didn't have to do that. You nor Jasmine."
"It's the least I could do, I feel so responsible for this."
"You didn't rape me."
"No, but I left the door wide open for it to happen, and for that I can never forgive myself."
I guess I wasn't the only one holding shame of this entire thing. We sat there in silence ironically and he listened to me breathing. Only then he said
"I don't ever wanna stop hearing the sound of this.Ever."
"I'm okay I promise."
"Please don't do this again. Please."
"Okay.
We rested a little while like that then he got a text from Jasmine. He hands me the phone and says
"I don't wanna answer this unless you're totally okay with it."
It read "Okay good....can you ask her if it's okay for me to come over? I really would like for us to talk."
I looked at him then back at the message. Its inevitable and I guess after all this maybe I should so I say to Andre
"Tell her she can come over."
"Did you want me to stay or,"
"She can never be alone with me ever again."
"Okay I'll tell her. "
30 minutes later she comes by sobbing. She cries
"Can I hug you please, Please I...I'm so sorry Jade."
I nod and she hugs me gently and tightly at the same time.
She begs me for forgiveness, I told her that I would have to take time. And it did. It took a whole nother year for me to trust her enough again. I had to continue therapy and make sure that i ate. After not eating for so long your stomach doesn't go back to normal so easily. I finally gained back to my natural weight, but that wasn't enough. I wanted to be physically fit so along with my therapy, I trained my body physically to be best shape I could ever be in. Jasmine and Andre continued dating through out all of this which really made me question a lot. But I kept quiet on most of that. I wanted to focused on me for once. I took a vacation quietly to New York where Riley had moved to.
"It's so good to see you, you look ...wow holy biceps Jade. What the fuck have you done with my sister?"
"It's a long story."
"Well from what you told me ,you're gonna be here for a week so looks like we have plenty of time."
It wasn't her fault that we weren't that close. She was a free spirit, and wanted better than living in Georgia.I can't blame her for leaving. I wanna leave too. Mom and Dad quietly passed away a few years ago so now it's just me and her. She moved to New York shortly after Dad's death. She made some breakfast and tea and I told her everything. Everything including what just recently happened.
"Holy fuck, and you just didn't want to call me? I can't believe they didn't call me."
"I told them not too."
"WHAT?!"
"I know, but it wasn't your fight and I didn't want to interrupt your life."
"You listen to me little sister, and you listen good. YOU BETTER NOT EVER THINK FOR A SECOND THAT YOU ARE INTERRUPTING MY LIFE. OKay?"
"Okay."
"And those....friends of yours"She spat, "How can you still be friends with them?"
"Well just like when mom and dad passed we're all that we got, they are all that I got."
"You need to find new friends. Fast."
"I guess so."
Maybe I always knew it, but when your so far deep like I have been with them, where do you go from here?