I was sitting in my bedroom.... We had made the promise of a commitment. He was coming to pick me up from my house. I was to wait for his call and leave with him. At a young age of 18, I was convinced he was my soulmate, my other half. With his promise, I saw our future together.
Waiting for his call had my heart jumping, I was sure my sisters could hear from their room over. We had talked last night and he assured me everything was going to go as planned. He was ready for me and he was going to talk to his family about it.
Our promised time was three in the afternoon. I was going to sneak out when he was ready to pick me up. Since I had all this planned with him, I didn’t want to involve my family. I had forbidden myself from talking to them. I made it seem like I wanted alone time, which was true in a sense.
While I sat waiting for him, I grabbed a book, thinking I could use this time to read. After a few moments, I realized how useless it was as I was reading the same sentence over and over with no real sense of what was being said. Throwing the book aside I let out a frustrated sigh.
There was built up excitement, dread, and fear. What if he didn’t come in time and my father found out. What if my sisters found out and ratted out to our mother. What if he doesn’t show up at all?
I started to pace the tiny room with the phone in hand. Staring at the screen, I wondered if it was best to call and see how things were moving along.
Minutes passed and the clock ticked down to 3. I stared at the round clock sitting on my desk. The little hand ticking as it went round in circles. If I continued to watch it I felt like I would have been hypnotized. Snapping out of it, I took another look at the time and realized it was only seconds to 3.
The beating of my heart doubled. I felt dizzy with anticipation of what was going to happen. I had to sit down and take a few deep breaths. Pressing the power button on my phone, the screen lit up. The wait of this minute felt longer than the whole morning.
Seconds passed and turned into minutes. Worry flowed into me at a crazy rate. It was taking longer than it should have. Running to my window, I check to see if I could spot his car. No sight of his car, as it would have stuck out from the rest.
Quarter passed 3 and dread filled me. With shaking hands I find go to the first name in my list of favorites. Pressing the call button I lift the phone to my ear.
As I listened to the tone I hoped against all hope he was running late. I listened to the tone as it went on till it started with his voicemail. Hanging up, I tell myself that I shouldn’t be worried yet. Something came up and he was caught up in something. He was still going to come. He had to come, he promised.
Another 15 minute passed, and another. Nobody called or texted me in the lengthened time frame. I decided to call him again. Call after call was turned to voicemail. After calling relentlessly it soon went to voicemail as soon as I called his number. His phone was off.
Staring at my phone I see the number of times I tried calling him. 47 times and not once did he pick up? I wasn’t sure if there were tears in my eyes or my vision was going blurry.
At the sound of a knock at my door, I wipe away the wetness around my eyes.
“Who is it?” I ask.
“It’s Lia. I need to tell you something.”
“Can it wait till tomorrow? I don’t want to talk right now.”
“No, it cannot wait. You have to know now. It has to do with Adam.”
At hearing my boyfriend’s name I run to the door and let my sister in.
“What is going on? What about Adam?”
Lia comes into my room with her laptop. “Have you been on Facebook yet today?”
“No. What does that have to do with Adam?”
Lia stayed quiet, not answering the question.
“What’s going on Lia? What are you not telling me?”
“I hate to be the one to do this, but you have the right to know. Look for yourself. Please don’t kill the messenger.”
Lia set her laptop on my desk. The Facebook login page was already up. “Log on.”
I wasn’t sure why but the pit of my stomach dropped. I knew what I was about to see was horrible. The way Lia was acting told me it all. She was never good at lying but she never was afraid of telling the truth either.
Slowly I put in my email and password. After a short debate of whether to press enter or not, I clicked on the login button. Already the notification logo had 15 red flags. I didn’t need to click it to know what it was for. The only thing I need to see to know was the first feed post.
Adam had left me a message on Facebook for all our friends and family to see.
“lol did you really think i wanted to marry a bitch like you. your fucking stupid if you are still waiting. i never wanted you in the first place you came to me. you wanted me to wait and take it slow while there are so many other vaginas out ther i can have. it was funny while it lasted. dont fucken call me again.”
The comments under didn’t get any better. Before I could force myself to continue to read I closed my eyes to it.
“Take it away. Log me off and take it away. I don’t want to see it right now. Take your laptop and leave me alone.”
“Cari...” Lia started to say to me.
“No, Lia. Not now. I don’t want to talk about it. I need to be alone. Don’t tell mom and dad.”
“Okay. I’m sorry. Let me know if you need anything.” Lia said as she took her laptop away closing the door behind her.
I’m not sure when the tears came. It may have started somewhere in between grabbing the bottle of vodka, Adam had hid in a secret hole, and the eighth drink right out of the bottle. Who knows, I was delirious with what was happening in my life. I had hit rock bottom. Everything I knew was turning out to be some huge lie. I don’t know why I couldn’t have seen it earlier. How was it that everything changed so quickly overnight?
At some point during the night I must have crawled into my bed, holding onto the empty vodka bottle. I woke up with a tear streaked face. My hair was sticking every which way. I had nothing but an empty hole in my heart with no way to fix it. I didn’t even try to get out of bed. Laying there I rethought everything over. Tears followed down the side of my face reaching ticklish parts of my head.
The hangover was horrible. Even if I wanted to move out of bed, my body was not having any of it. Any movement had me nauseous.
How could this have happened? There were so many lies running around in my head. I thought we had trust in what was said between us. He told me it was fine when I told him I wanted to wait longer to get intimate. He said I would be worth the wait. I had come to his party he was throwing at his request. He had talked to me there. He asked me out and continued to do so until I finally said yes. All his lies made me seem like the desperate unrelenting girl he made me out to be.
Two years with him and all our memories flashed through my mind. How could he do this to me? I cried out in frustration, careless to those who would hear. I knew my parents would call me stupid for acting this way, but I wasn’t in a position to care. Heartbroken I let all my emotions out. I felt like stabbing myself, throwing everything and ripping my room apart. The only thought stopping me from doing so was knowing how useless it would be.
An hour into my crying I had settled down enough for my sisters to come knocking.
“Cari, we are coming in whether you like it or not.”
Lia and Olive stepped in and closed the door.
“Mom and dad think you’re crazy. We had to explain to them what was going on. Either that or they were set on coming in here to pull your hair out themselves.” Olive, the oldest of us all, said to me.
“Sorry Cari. We know you didn’t want them to know, but they would have found out sooner or later. They think it was irresponsible of what he did but they also said you were better off without him.”
None of what they were saying soothed me. I lay hidden under my blanket with tears still streaming down.
“Just say it. I know you want to,” I said to them.
“Say what?” Olive asked me.
“‘I told you so’. You’ve been dead set against him from day one.”
“Yea, I didn’t like him. You’re my sister and I’m over protective. I could see he was hiding a lot more than he was showing. I just didn’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I am hurt though. How could he do this to me? Writing what he did for all our friends and family to see.”
“Your family and friends stood up for you in that post. He was getting so many hate messages he deleted it. Okay he may have deleted it after doing some more immature things. But the fact is, your people know you and they know he was a douche to do what he did.”
“That makes it so much better. They all know I was going to run away and marry that jerk.”
“We all make mistakes, Cari. No one is perfect. Be happy he screwed up before you actually went through with it,” Olive said trying to talk sense into me.
“Now we need to get you out of that bed. We have a full day ahead of us.”
“No,” I said pulling the blankets closer to me.
“Lia, get ready. We’re getting her out no matter what,” Olive said to the youngest of the three.
“Okay!” Lia replied.
“Stop being annoying and leave me to wallow,” I said to them.
They weren’t having any of it. Both of them were too strong for me. They pried the blankets off and tried to take off my clothes when I wouldn’t comply with their orders. With the promise of taking a shower by myself they left me to get ready for the day.
They weren’t surprised at my hangover and told me to suck it up when I whined about it.
My sisters pulled me along for the long schedule they had made up. Around the town they took me. Forcing me to eat sweets, sit through a horror movie, and talked gossip into my ears as they made me try on clothes after clothes.
As much as they tried to make sure I didn’t fall into the pit of depression, it didn’t work. At first it was easy to put up a facade of ignorant bliss, but soon after my thoughts ate away at me. I was useless. There was no hope for me. I had given up everything for a life with Adam. I didn’t apply for colleges. I didn’t even know what my hobbies were since most of my time was with Adam. He was my everything and now my everything was gone.
~~
Was it possible to like Bee at this point?
I barely knew the man, but I had come to find trust in his friendship. In time, over the first week, I had come to know Bee without him even being there. His sisters and parents would fill me in on his childhood and teen years.
I was promised to not tell him, Chia knew for sure Bee would be furious, but she had shown me Bee’s home videos. There were videos of proud little Bee walking around naked, and screeches of terror when he didn’t get things his way. Chia showed me a video they captured of his birthdays and I couldn’t help but smile too when little Bee smiled next to his cake, trying to blow all of the candles out at once.
His parents would tell me stories of Bee when he was a baby. Instead of feeling connected to Bee, I was more connected with his parents.
So the question was, is it possible for me to be liking Bee already?
I still didn’t know anything about him other than what was told to me. Nothing he said or did around me could make me like him. Because of that, I knew I couldn’t say I liked him just yet. I had to admit though, I was interested in who this guy was.
Just as Tina said on that day he came to get me, Bee was a good looking guy. It was impossible that he was not off the market list yet. He knew how to clean up and had the products to do so.
On the other hand, I was just another normal girl who got lucky on the internet. My dark hair ran down just past my shoulder blade. I wore glasses over my dark brown eyes, my contacts still back at home. I knew I was a decent looking girl, but there wasn’t any particular trait to make me unique.
In a cultural sense I could see us working out great, we would be another pair of lovers wanting to get married in anybody’s else’s eyes. If there was not the fact of us not knowing each other, this wedding would be great connection. Both sides of the family had an agreement.
But our case was not like others. I didn’t know the man and met him on the day he came to get me. There was nothing to be happy about in our arrangement.
My mind was going in circles. One moment I was furious and the next I could see sense to it all. The whole ordeal made me angry. What made it worse was the fact that I had to go through the days without Bee to understand him and his motives.
I wanted an explanation from everybody. I was incoherent before and it made me blinded to wanting to figure this out, but now I wanted to know. It was only right that I got an explanation as to why my life had to be changed radically without my consent.
There was one more week till the wedding and I wasn’t sure if I was ready. How could I have been ready back then? Why was I so intent on marrying another? Was the thought of finding my other half so appealing, so comforting, so soothing that I was willing to go through with it. That was all I ever wanted in a partner.
But I got the taste of freedom, the independaet life of not having to ask for another’s opinion before I did something. After becoming confident in myself, I didn’t want to have to go through something like my past ever again. The overwhelming pressure of knowing that I would have to think of not only me but for two people was too much, and I never wanted it again.
“What are you thinking about?”
Turning around in the desk chair, I see Bee closing the door behind him. It was late morning the next day and I had just uploaded the next chapter to the story I was writing online. I sat there thinking about my situation and got so lost in it I didn’t even hear Bee come in.
“Hmm?”
“What deep thoughts are floating in your mind?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I’m curious? I can’t be curious either now?” Bee said walking over to sit on the edge of the bed closest to the desk.
“They are my thoughts I plan to keep hold onto for a little longer.”
“Can’t I have a sneak peek?”
After a minute to think, I let out a deep sigh, “Life isn’t the way I thought it would be.”
“I agree.”
“At least we can agree on something.”
“What were you doing?” Bee asked, trying to look at my screen.
“Writing as usual. Nothing amazing.”
“A continuation to your undercover life story?”
“Yes. Very interesting way of putting it.”
“Are we in a stage where we can talk about ex’s? Because it is bound to happen, and there are a few things I would like to say about this ‘Adam’ character.”
“We’ve known each other for barely one week. Less even since you are at work most of the time. I’ve been learning about you through your family, and you barely know me. I don’t think I’m ready to share the hidden storylines of my feelings yet. Although I’ve been pretty much true to my story with what I was going through,” I said thinking about what it would mean to share our thoughts. I was honestly curious though, “Ah, what the hell. Go on. Tell me.”
“Are you always this random with your decisions?”
“Bad habit. I can’t help it. Let’s hear it before I change my mind.”
“First off he is a jerk. Second he is a jerk. How did you like him?”
“Do you remember what I wrote about him the first time he was mentioned? He was a good guy.”
“Exactly. ‘Was’. Then he turned around to be a jerk. Why did you stick with him?”
“You want to know the truth. I was young and stupid. I was in love and I couldn’t hear anything but his voice. He was the air I breathed and the reason I woke up every morning. He was my everything.” My words went fast as if it was any other relationship I was talking about. Yet at the end I couldn’t help but remember what I felt when I was in love with the idiot who broke my heart for the first time.
“Love makes people go blind,” Bee agreed.
“I admit, I was blind. Blinded like a fool. Only after did I realize what I couldn’t see all along. That was the reason why I fought myself on how to write some of those chapters. I showed his sweet side, the side I was blinded by. Yet I had to put in the parts of what I knew to be true after.” I had to chuckle, “Even through the sweetness I could see the evil in him. I was such a fool.”
Bee sat there, looking at me. In his quiet stance he studied me in my state of self-hate of my past. I could feel the tears on the edge of my lids threatening to spill. I hated talking about that past part of my life. The memories always brought tears. Even writing about it earlier made me shake in fury.
“Hey,” Bee said coming closer to me, kneeling right in front of me, “I’m sorry I brought it up. I can see it bothers you a lot. We don’t have to keep talking about it.”
I could barely talk with all the memories bottled up in me. I nod my head and a few tears find themselves falling down. Before I was able to bring my own hand up to wipe them off, Bee was already doing it for me. His hands were on my cheeks, wiping away the sign of defeat.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
“I’m sorry. I let my emotions get the better of me again. For such a stupid reason too. I told myself to not cry over him anymore. But I guess since I had to bring up the memories again for the story I was kind of already in a bad mood.”
“Did you want to hear about mines?” he asked.
“No. Maybe one day, but not today. When you are ready. I don’t want you to feel like you need to share.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s fine. I still have a bit more to write before dinner and I’m sure you have things to study,” I said before turning around to the screen of my laptop. My heart was doing something I haven’t felt in a long time and I didn’t want to be affected. Calming myself, I started the next chapter.
“Okay,” Bee said as he left me to the peace of typing away.