"Lorraine." Lucas asks me which brings me back to reality.
"I'm sorry, I was spacing out." I say, taking a bite of my ice cream.
After ending things with Colton, I wallowed in self pity for a few hours before heading back to school.
Lucas came and picked me up and took me to ice cream. Which is where we are right now.
"Is ice cream not doing the trick?" He asks.
"Not really."
"Well there are a lot of things I can try and say to you to make you feel better." He says softly. "And I can if you want." He clarifies, "but I think it's clear that what I say might not do much, because you need to believe it yourself."
I nod my head.
We continue sitting in silence.
"It's not just about Colton and Logan." I say breaking the silence.
He smiles softly, "I figured."
"I just..." I grunt in frustration, "it's just for the longest time I thought I was happy and okay, but then all my insecurities creeped in and I over think every interaction, every argument, and every mistake I've ever made."
He doesn't say anything, knowing I just need to just vent.
"I feel everyone sees me as perfect, but I'm far from it. They look at me and see responsible, organized, smart, and everything comes so easy for me. It's not true. I have to try so hard to keep up that appearance all the time."
I look down. "I feel like everyone expects me to be a certain way, even if it's not true. And then I think about Logan, like what did I do to make him think he can tear me down like that? What is it about me that made him change into such a dick?"
I take a bite of my ice cream before continuing. It's like a dam breaking as I share with Lucas all my insecurities and deep thoughts.
"And the reason I'm always studying is because it's something I can control. I keep the anxiety at bay when I'm doing something. And I hate that I am so dependent on Caroline and Kristina." I say quickly, "and you." I say looking at him, "I feel like I am constantly bothering you guys.I tried all these things to go out of my comfort zone and they were fun, but at the end of the day, they didn't make me any more confident. I've failed. Nothing is enough. It's like I'm not meeting some imaginary expectation I make for myself. And no matter what I do– it's still not enough!" I groan my frustration, knowing I repeated myself.
I take a deep breath. "Okay, I think I'm done... for now." I smile embarrassed.
"I didn't know you felt and thought all of that." He says softly, probably trying to process my word vomit.
"Come on, I'm going to take you somewhere." He says standing up and offering me his hand. I grab it and follow him to the car.
----------
We've been driving in silence for close to 20 minutes. It's not awkward though, it's soothing.
I don't ask where we're going, because I don't care. The scenery passes by through the window. The trees blowing in the wind, the sun shining through the window, the white fluffy clouds in the sky. All beautiful things that make me feel, at this moment, less out of control.
It isn't until he pulls into a small parking lot in what seems like the middle of nowhere do I break the silence.
"I know you aren't going to kill me... so are we burying a body or something?" I tease him.
"Ha. Ha." He says sarcastically. "Come on." He says getting out of the car.
"Why are we here?" I ask as I get out of the car.
"See that?" He says pointing up near a hilly cliff. "We are going to go up there."
I look at him in disbelief. "That looks like it would take like 20 minutes to climb up there."
He shrugs "25 or so if you follow the trail."
"I didn't wear appropriate clothing for a hike."
"It's barely a hike. It's not even strenuous." He defends. "Just trust me, you'll thank me later." He says with confidence.
I follow him as we begin the trek.
"When I found out Valerie was cheating on me. I confronted her about it." He says as we walk together.
"She turned it around on me saying it was my fault. She said a lot of hurtful things that I don't really feel like digging up, right now." He continues, "I am embarrassed to admit this, but I believed it. Every lie she said about me. I found myself kind of feeling how you're feeling."
"She seems like a narcissist" I say quietly.
He chuckles. "So did Logan."
"Anyway," he continues, "I knew what she was saying wasn't true, but that didn't stop my heart from believing it."
He doesn't expand on it anymore. We walk in silence, until Lucas stops.
When we got up there, I was breathless, not only from the hiking, but the beautiful scenery that welcomed me. So many trees, as green as I've ever seen them. The sun shines bright, illuminating everything. The outline of where the sky ended and the hills begin. The silence that came from it just being us and nature was pure and calming. It was just what I needed.
"Thank you." I say softly, not tearing my eyes away from the sight.
He sits down on a big rock. "I found this place after Val and I broke up. I just got in the car one day and drove. I found myself here."
I listen, but I don't respond or look at him. He doesn't get upset though, I think he understands.
"This is where I found the answers to my questions. This is where I quieted all the negative thoughts in my head and let the truth overpower my demons. This is where I found peace."
I finally peel my eyes away and look at him. He was doing the same thing as I was. Just looking out at the world and the beauty nature has to offer and just taking it in.
I join him on the rock.
"It was my fault because I was too busy going home every weekend to check on my dad." He begins and I look at him confused. "That's one of the reasons she said."
I roll my eyes, "I don't like her."
"I felt like she was right, that I should have made more time for her. If I did, she wouldn't have cheated."
"That's not..."
He cuts me off, "I said I felt that. But here, I was able to be alone with my thoughts with no distractions. Here I was able to think clearly. I used what I knew to disprove a false feeling in me."
I look at him still confused.
"I would sit here and reflect on all the negative things I felt about myself or what happened and use what I know is true.
Like, I was a bad boyfriend for blowing her off to be with my dad. Which I knew was bullshit. But I believed it and felt it because it had to be my fault. I had to do something to deserve being treated like that. Karma or something.
But I came here, almost every day, sat on the rock and let myself remember all the bad things I felt and rationalized it. Once I did that enough, my feelings finally caught up with the truth."
"That seems like a lot of work. I don't even know where to start." I say frustrated.
"It is." He looks at me softly, "But it's worth it. And it takes time." He says before turning back to the landscape.
We don't talk. We are in each other's presence but it's almost like we are in different worlds. The worlds of our thoughts.
I let the silence and scenery envelop me as I attempt to challenge my feelings. All the negative beliefs I have just drift away.
Everything that happened between Logan and myself is not my fault. I deserve to be loved the way I choose to love. Although Logan said he loved me, it wasn't true. If he did, he would have treated me better.
I am not stupid. I truly believed I loved him. And when you love someone you choose to put your trust and faith in that person. Did I make the wrong choice, probably, but that doesn't make me stupid, that makes me human.
I don't bother my friends when I ask them for their advice. I am blessed to have such a great support system. I am not dependent on them, but I do value their opinion.
I put too much pressure on myself. Nobody is expecting me to do more or be anything more than just me.
Suddenly, all the negative beliefs I have just drift away. And in that moment I feel peace. I memorize the view, I gaze at Lucas, and try to remember this feeling.
----------
It's been almost a week since everything that happened with Colton. I have gone up to that hill every morning since to reflect and think about everything.
I got an email this morning, during class, from my advisor telling me I needed to meet with her. I am sitting in the office waiting. I am terrified. My thoughts are going wild. Did I do something wrong? Lucas' words pop into my mind, 'disprove the false feeling.' I shouldn't worry unless I have to. I have A's in all of my classes. I am on track to graduate. I am still following all the requirements for my scholarship. It will be okay.
I was supposed to meet Lucas for lunch, but my advisor could only meet at this time. I text Lucas that I'm going to be late.
Lucas: We can do lunch after. I'm sure everything will be fine. 😊
"Lorraine." A voice calls my attention. "Thanks for coming by." Dr. Miles says with a welcoming smile.
I follow her into her office and take a seat.
She must notice my nervousness as she takes off her glasses and comes to sit next to me. "You have nothing to be worried about." She says encouragingly. "I called you in because the faculty was contacted by the University of Colorado School of Medicine. They are doing a summer internship program and wanted to see if there were any students we thought might be good for it." She says handing me a pamphlet to look at.
"They provide free housing in the dorms over the summer for those who are participating. You also will receive a stipend." She continues.
I listen intently while I look at the pamphlet.
"And we thought of you because you would be working with an oncologist, assisting in research and things." She says excitedly.
I shake my head in disbelief. This just seems too good to be true. "I don't know, Dr. Miles, I would have to think about it. I mean how do I even apply?"
"That's the best part!" She says, smiling, handing me a letter.
I open it up and begin reading.
Dear Ms. Lorraine Manning,
We would like to formally invite you to take part in the Oncology Internship Program offered by the University of Colorado School of Medicine...
I look up at her confused. "I've already got accepted into the program?"
She shakes her head excitedly. "Yes!" She smiles brightly. "The faculty was tasked to nominate a student to participate and it was unanimous."
I am speechless. I skim through the rest of the letter as I try to process my thoughts.
The program will begin May 11th and go until August 8th. We are aware of, and apologize for the short notice, but if you could give us your answer by April 13...
Wait, that's in 3 days. "That's a big decision in such a short time." I blurt out.
"I know." She says sympathetically. "But it really is a great opportunity." She explains. She then goes into more detail about the benefits of doing this internship; building connections, gaining extra experience, resume builder, etc.
I agree to all of those things and I would be doing something I am really interested in. But could I really spend 3 months in a different place where I know no one? Is this really the best decision right now with everything else I have been worried and stressing about.
I leave the office and head to have lunch with Lucas.
----------
I am sitting in my car outside of the karaoke bar. After telling Lucas about my offer he insisted we celebrate. I tried arguing, saying I don't even know if I'm going to accept.
He told me that it didn't matter. We should still honor the amazing opportunity by going out.
He was very supportive and understanding. He never told me what I should do. He just listened to me as I rationalized it out loud.
He did, however, say it was an amazing opportunity and he will support me in whatever I decided.
My parents were a little more pushy. They didn't know why I hadn't accepted right there and then. My parents have always been supportive and want what is best for me. They said a lot of the same things Dr. Miles said. They also said they would visit me as often as I wanted them to.
There is a knock on my window, causing me to jump. I turn and see Caroline and Kristina laughing at my reaction.
"Come on!" Care says. "Let's go sing our hearts out!"
I hesitantly get out of the car and follow my friends inside.
Lucas is already there and calls us over. He sees my body language and it's like he knows exactly what I am thinking.
"Tonight, we have fun." He says, "no thinking about any of your worries. We are going to sing, drink and have fun!" He says smiling.
I look at him for a moment and just like that, I'm calm and ready for a good night.
----------
It's been a few hours and we are all having fun.
During the time we have been here, I have had a few shots and quite a few beers. I am feeling it.
The girls and I have already sung, well I should say performed, Jessie's girl, Friends in Low Places, and Baby Got Back.
Lucas isn't drinking, he said he would be our designated driver for the night. I feel bad for him. He's the only guy with three intoxicated girls. Actually, now that I think about it, he probably doesn't care.
Kristina, Caroline and I are laughing at something, but I can't remember what.
Lucas' name gets called to sing. I didn't realize he signed up.
He goes to the front of the stage and the music starts. He chose Easy. Which is a good song, but you really got to be able to sing to pull it off, I think.
He starts signing and my jaw drops. His smooth tenor voice fills my ear and ignites something inside me. His eyes are closed as he feels the lyrics and sings with emotion. He looks so relaxed and confident.
Know it sounds funny
But I just can't stand the pain
Girl, I'm leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl
You know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole
And I borrowed
For a second he opens his eyes and they instantly find mine. I should blink or look away or something, but I don't. Instead I just stare, my eyes gaped open, taking in how wonderfully magnificent he is.
Ooh, that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like Sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like Sunday morning
I can't peel my eyes away as I watch him as he continues until the end of the song.
The music stops and he gives me a smile before making his way back over.
Then a realization comes to me.
"I have feelings for Lucas." I think in disbelief. Kristina and Caroline give me a shocked look. Someone gasps. It's only then, I realize I just said that out loud.