This chapter was supposed to be 100% fluff but that wouldn't be fully realistic for someone with Jan's condition and I like to keep my fics realistic (I hope I'm portraying his mental illness correctly)
The next morning Logan woke up at 7 am as his alarm went of. He groaned while fumbling to shut it off while taking his glasses. Once his vision became less blurry he smiled because the figure cuddled up next to him changed from being a blur of color to being Janus.
They'd fallen asleep cuddling last night. Jan had been the little spoon and he was still lying with his back pressed against Lo's chest. The nerd quietly moved away since he assumed his boyfriend was still sleeping. It caught him by surprise when a gloved hand reached out and grabbed his wrist.
"Stay" Janus mumbled while turning around. His eyes were red and blood shot and there were dark circles of exhaustion under them.
"Slept well?" Lo asked after kissing him good morning.
He shrugged "Woke up at 5 and couldn't fall back asleep" He lied.
Logan nodded before sitting up. He stretched out so several of his bones cracked before getting up. He took on a pair of jeans while saying "Want breakfast in bed?"
"You don't have t-"
"I know but I want to treat you like you deserve to be treated which is like a...a very precious newly discovered form of gene molecule which the scientists have to treat with much care since they haven't found another specimen of it yet"
Janus rolled his eyes while smiling "That sounds lovely darling"
The moment Logan had left the room Jan's fake smile dropped. He buried himself down under the blankets as if to hide from his own thoughts. There was a nauseous feeling in his throat and a hole in his chest. There were so many thoughts going through his head everything was overlapping each other like a torn apart picture. There were hands on his chest and teeth against his thighs and yet it felt like his mind was 12 steps behind his body.
Janus got up and began to walk in a circle on the floor. It helped to get the imagined teeth away. Paranoid thoughts about being watched filled his brain as it moved further away from his body. He covered his mouth with his hands to silence a whimper but it felt like it was his abuser's hands instead.
A buzz like static took over his ears as he sunk down to the floor and kept his hands far away from himself. Four years of his life had already been taken away from him and his abuser had haunted him for 1 and half year. He wanted it to stop. He wanted this sickness out of him. He wanted to stop rotting. But where was he supposed to put the pain if it was so deeply woven into him that his brain had stopped working without it.
Worst of all was that this wasn't even a bad day. It was a normal day, a normal day filled with fear from the past that never left him.
When the door opened Janus let out a short yelp while flinching away. Logan put down the brick filled with breakfast on the bed and sat down next to his boyfriend. He patted his back while asking "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine" He lied while standing up. He shook his head before sitting down on the bed.
"Dear I am fully okay with you lying but in instances like this I would like to know how you are actually feeling for your own well being" Logan said while sitting down next to him.
He sighed "Sharing a bed with you has kind of brought back memories so I couldn't sleep last night"
"I could take the couch if you want"
Janus took his hand "No, it's fine. I can manage. I've been managing so far and I can continue to do it" He pinched the bridge of his nose while hissing out "I'm so fucking tired of at best being able to manage. I wish I could just force the c-ptsd out of me"
"I wish so to" Logan leaned against his shoulder and they stayed quiet for a minute or so before he moved back to take the breakfast.
He gave an egg sandwich and a cup of coffee to his boyfriend while he'd made himself a crofters jam sandwich and an even bigger cup of coffee. Janus took his Zoloft pill before eating. The thoughts began to quiet down the more he was in Logan's presence. He was pretty sure that no medicine could help him as much as what Lo did to him did.
After a while Logan got up and got himself ready for work so Jan did as well even though all he was going to do today was go and pick up his pet snake. Usually Lo read a book while brushing his teeth but now Jan annoyed him with so many kisses he was barely able to get himself ready.
"Alright" Logan huffed once he'd taken his jacket one "Have a great day de-"
Janus interrupted him by tightly wrapping his arms around his waist "Noooo I don't want you leaving" He dramatically cried out while doing puppy eyes.
"Will you do this every day?"
"Oh no definitely not" Jan lied while hugging onto him harder.
Logan leaned the other man's head up and kissed him "I'll be back in a few hours"
"I'll despise all those hours" He replied while letting him go. He waved goodbye while pouting.
Being alone in the apartment made Janus feel lonely so he quickly put on his normal attire that looked like it came right out of a jazz number that had been slapped with some 1800's murder mystery.
The streets were pretty crowded by people rushing to work. Janus dragged his jacket tighter around himself while feeling like he was being surrounded by them. No matter what he did he never stopped feeling like people were ready to attack him at any moment.
He unbuttoned the button on his shirt that was closest to his neck to stop feeling like he was being strangled. A stranger accidentally brushed into his shoulder. Janus hissed at him but went quiet when the stranger smiled at him, they had round glasses, a light blue fluffy jacket and cold blue eyes.
Everything imploded around Janus "It's fine, we're safe, we're being paranoid over things that don't matter" He muttered to himself but it didn't feel like the words were coming from his own mouth.
The memories were replaying behind his eyes lids as he continued to walk as if nothing was wrong "We just have to get to the pet store and then we can run home and lock ourself in the bathroom until Lo comes home" He caught people glancing at him weirdly over talking to himself.
He tried to bite his nails to get the anxiety out but instead yellow cloth got into his mouth. When he looked at his hands he was expecting to see bruised wrists but instead he saw the green and red friendship bracelets he'd gotten from the twins.
Janus decided to do something stupid and lightly slap himself. He'd seen people in movies do it to snap out of bad mental states so he thought it'd work. Instead it forced him to remember yelling back and getting his head slammed into the wall until he passed out.
//Tw: Really vague descriptions of past s*xual abuse//
"It's fine It's fine It's fine. Get out of my head" He hissed to himself while gripping onto his arms. He could feel the nosebleed he had when he'd woken up. He could feel the hand keeping his head down and how his mind had been so dizzy he couldn't even get out a no. He could feel his lower body turning sticky as his cheeks turned wet from tears. He could hear the praise he'd been given afterwards.
"It's 2020 we-we-we we're n-not with- we are" Janus could hear his abuser telling him to apologize "I'm sorry sorry so sorry" He whispered out even though he knew he wasn't there anymore. Reality began to drift away as he was left with being pushed down on his knees. Hoping that his jaw wouldn't be too sore by the morning or that he wouldn't nearly throw up during 'apologizing' again.
//Tw over//
Janus stopped mid step and took a deep breath "We are not doing this again" He reminded himself of the techniques dr. Picani had told him about in case he had a flashback while along.
First he looked up and focused on a window. He looked at the upper side of the window while breathing in and followed the line of the side of the window while breathing out. After a minute or so of doing that he started to calm down.
He focused on his hand and tried to feel inside it, feel inside his skin and all. It felt like static running around in him. He continued with focusing on more and more of his body until his whole body was filled with static. It made him sure that he was in the present and that he was safe.
A bell rung when Janus stepped into the pet shop. He had a small smile on his face because he'd been able to fight of a flashback all on his own. It wasn't a long time ago that he wasn't able to get through a flashback without Logan much less stop it.
He pressed his hands to the glass of the snake he was planning to buy "Hello you wonderful creature" He whispered to the yellow snake.
after buying her he hunched down on the floor and mumbled out "Do you like the name Lillith?" The snake looked into his eyes and did a blep so he bleped back.
Janus carefully placed her in his backpack and began his walk back to the apartment. This time he could relax and enjoy being outside. He took a picture of some cute birds and stopped for coffee on the way without even feeling anxious.
When he got home the apartment was still empty. He took out Lillith and let her slither around the rooms to make herself home while he made her tank ready. He put some trees and greenery in and a bowl of water and made the heat lamp nice and warm.
"Come here big girl" He said while picking her up. He pointed at the tank and continued with "This is your new home now. Do you like it?" She bleped which he toke as a yes.
While Janus sat down on the couch and took out a book Lillith slithered onto him so she was wrapped around his shoulders tightly. He patted her tail while saying "Good girl. Wrap me however you want expect for around my neck. My neck is forbidden ground. No danger noddles allowed"
A few hours went by of him reading aloud to Lillith. It was nice that she continued to cuddle him even though he knew that she was only doing it to take his warmth since she was cold blooded.
The sound of the door being unlocked made Janus smile. It was weird since that sound used to make him tense up "Dear I'm home" Logan called out.
"Lillith don't be afraid of the stranger, he's your second dad" Jan whispered to the snake.
At first when Lo came into the room he jumped back at the sight of the nearly 2 meter long creature around his boyfriend's shoulder but he quickly calmed down "Salutations Lillith" he greeted even though he was pretty sure she couldn't understand him nor did she care.
"Isn't she adorable? Sorry darling I think you've been replaced as the person I love the most"
"ouch, truly that is a pain I will carry for the rest of my life" Logan replied sarcastically while sitting down next to him. He swung his arm around Jan's waist to pull him closer before kissing him "How has your day been?"
"....Bad..it's been a bad kind of day but I was able to get out of the panicked state on my own" He had to force the truth out. "It makes me think that I won't just have to manage getting through every day but I'll actually be able to go days without my past destroying everything. One day I might not even be bother by it at all!"
That's great dear" Logan pressed a kiss to his forehead "I've been doing paper work all day and then my coworkers tried to make me mop after them. I'm an intern not a cleaner...anymore"
"I can poison them so they'll never disrespect you again. No one disrespect my husband!" Janus hissed out to which Lillith hissed along.
"Did...did you just call me your..husband?" Lo asked while blushing.
"Freudian slip" He rolled his eyes while waving it away.
Lillith moved so her tail was wrapped around both of the men so they were forced to be close to one another.
"I think your snake is trying to tell us something" Logan muttered but smiled a little when she nuzzled her head against his cheek.
"What? Don't you like being close to me?" Janus rested his head against his boyfriend's chest "I can be your cuddle snake too if you want"
"I wouldn't want anything else dear"