ESA41
Dumating ang waitress upang kunin ang orders namin. I blankly ordered a frappe because I don't think my mind is the right state up until now.
Para akong nahihilo gamit lamang ang ilang salita.
Iris ordered too and I waited for the waitress to go. It felt like I waited for years.
Ngumiti saakin si Iris noong makita ang titig ko sa kanya. I breathe hard with the unstable and continuously increasing heartbeat.
"C-can you repeat what you've said?"
Kumunot ang noo niya. Tila nagtataka saakin dahil maayos naman akong nakakausap kanina. I think my look in her eyes changed too.
Of course, I'm disturbed right now and my pain inside is growing kahit hindi ko pa nakukumpirma.
"Ano don?" tanong niya.
"Sinong naka-move on?" tanong ko.
Mas lalong umusbong ang kuryosidad sa mata niya. Of course, she's slowly getting it.
"Your ex?"
"Which..."
Napangiwi siya. Hindi pa rin nagugustuhan na palaging iyon ang ginagamit ko.
"Why would I talk to you about the first one when you had another after? Si Hezekiah of course! Your best friend-boyfriend-ex."
Napaawang ang labi ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Shit, gago ka, Heze!
"He's kissing someone?" tanong ko sa kanya.
The lower part of my eyes are starting to heat up and my tears are building. Shit, hindi ka pwedeng umiyak dito, gaga ka ba? You're in a public place!
Hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat kong isipin pero pagdating talaga sa kanya ang babaw ko! I can't overthink, right?
Hindi pwede itong bigla akong magco-conclude. Baka namali lang ng tingin si Iris!
"Wait why－oh shit. Don't tell me..." napaawang ang bibig niya habang panapanood akong kontrolin ang sarili kong luha.
Hindi pwede, Santh!
"Akala ko ba nakamove-on ka na?" tanong niya saakin.
Hezekiah went to my unit a little late last night. Madami daw siyang tinapos dahil nagtambak daw noong ilang beses siyang hindi pumasok. I fully understand that. Pero bakit may naririnig akong ganito? Ano ba talaga ang totoo?
"Baka naman iba, Iris... baka nagkakamali ka lang..." I said to her.
Huminga ako ng malalim. My heart is clenching so badly that I wanna go to Hezekiah and ask him a lot of things.
What the hell is this?
Iris looked worried. Luminga-linga pa siya na parang naghahanap ng magpapakalma saakin ngunit hinawakan ko ang kanyang kamay upang bumalik ang atensyon niya saakin.
"Tell me... baka hindi naman siya... he can't do that to me."
Natulala saakin si Iris. Tila hindi inaasahan ang narinig na salita saakin. She blinked for times and her last blink made her eyes angry.
"Kayo?!" mataas ang boses niyang tanong saakin.
Napatingin sa amin ang ilan na nasa malapit na table dahil sa kanyang boses. Napalunok si Iris doon at tila bahagyang kumalma. She held my hand tightly.
"Shit, seryoso ba, Santh?" tanong niya saakin.
I nodded slowly. Nagtagumpay ako sa pagpigil ng aking luha ngunit hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang sakit na nanunuot sa aking dibdib.
I was cheated on once... I don't think I can handle another...
Heze no...
"Fuck?" tanong niya.
Binitawan niya ang aking kamay at hinawakan ang kanyang cellphone.
"I don't know if you want to see this but I don't want you to feel..." hindi niya naituloy ang kanyang sinasabi dahil parang may pumipigil sa kanya.
She looked at me with a lot of apologies her eyes are releasing.
Isn't it fucking amusing to be cheated on again... and with her who was one of those who cheated on me before?
Tumigil siya sa pagpindot ng cellphone niya. I look at her straight in the eyes.
I don't know what to think and what to feel anymore...
"I was on Sky Premiere Hotel last night with an Engineer colleague to meet up with a client who's currently in stay-cation on the hotel..." unti-unti niyang kwento habang tinatantya ang aking reaksyon.
I stayed calm.
You're better than this, Chrysanthe...
"When the meeting ended, dumiretso na ako sa parking lot sa unahan ng hotel and then I saw this..."
Inabot niya saakin ang kanyang cellphone. Nanginginig ang kamay niya katulad ng mga kamay ko. I accepted it but I dropped it on the table because I cannot hold it.
My hands are too shaky.
Halos magiba ang buong pag-iisip ko at paulit-ulit na sinaksak ang puso ko noong makita ko ang larawan.
Parehas na nakasideview ang dalawang tao habang magkadikit ang kanilang mga katawan pati ang kanilang labi.
"I took that to send to you so I could convince you that you don't need to feel so guilty because I think he's okay....hindi ko naman alam...shit, sorry, Santh..."
I wanted to fool myself it's not him. Nakakainis. It was a little dark but I know it's him. His features and his body is undeniable. Plus, it's his clothes yesterday.
The girl is in her blue fitted dress. Nakakapit siya sa leeg ni Hezekiah habang ang isa niyang braso ay nakayakap. Even she's angled a little opposite in the camera, I know the girl. I hated her for no particular reason.
But now, I do...
I want to feed myself, reasons. I tried to put myself in Hezekiah's feet because I wanted to understand. Baka naman hindi niya ginusto.
Pero bat ganon?
Bakit ang higpit ng kapit mo sa bewang niya, Heze?
Bakit...
Pinikit ko ang aking mata at itinulak palayo saakin ang cellphone. I put both my hands on my forehead.
Narinig ko ang pagdating ng waitress upang ibigay ang order namin. Rinig ko din ang mahinang thank you ni Iris.
"Santh..." tawag niya saakin.
I didn't open my eyes. Huminga ako ng malalim habang nag-iisip.
Tangina naman.
Pakiramdam ko bumalik ako sa mga nakita ko dati, ang pinagkaiba lang... mas masakit ito. Hindi pa ba sapat ang isa?
Sa sobrang daming tao sa mundo, bakit ako palagi?
Bakit ako nanaman?
All my life I've been trying to do my best so I can deserve people. Hindi ko naman hinihingi na lahat ng tao gustuhin ako. Hindi ko kailanman iyon ginusto! I never needed a lot of friends! I just wanted to keep some. It's not even exceeding the number of fingers I have in my hands.
I fixed myself so that I could be better and I can finally freely keep them in my life... bakit ganito?
Kahit isang beses lang... hindi ba talagang kayang ibigay saakin?
"I'm sorry, Santh..."
Umiling ako kay Iris at inalis ang aking mga kamay sa mukha ko. I look at her tiredly. Dati pa man, kahit noong unang beses, pinangako ko na sa sarili kong hindi ako iiyak para rito.
Naramdaman ko ang mahinang pagtunog ng cellphone ko sa sling bag ko. I get it and stared at my screen where Hezekiah's name was flashed. He's calling.
I stared at it until I missed the call. Pinatay ko ang aking cellphone at muling binalik sa bag ko.
I don't want to hear anything. I also don't want to see him now. The image of him kissing Ara keeps playing on my mind.
Para akong nawawalan ng kakayahang mag-isip ng tama.
"Do you have some thing to do after?" tanong ko kay Iris na puno pa rin ng pag-aalala at paghingi ng tawad ang mata habang pinapanood ako.
"No... I scheduled it for you alone..." mahina niyang sagot.
"Club?" tanong ko sa kanya.
Hindi nagbago ang tingin niya saakin. Ni hindi nagulat dahil sa aking sinabi. She sighed and nodded.
"Love you, Santh." she said.
I smiled plainly and humorless. All I know is I'm tired.
Umikot ang tingin ko sa club kung nasaan kami.Nakapunta na ako dati dito pero hindi iyon madalas dahil mas gusto nila Theo palagi sa '89 kaya doon din ako palagi. I told Iris I don't wanna go to '89, so she brought me here in GrooveX. Mas malaki ito kaysa sa '89.
Dumiretso agad ako sa bar. Naramdaman ko ang pagtabi ni Iris saakin but I focused my eyes on the bartender near me.
"Give me your hardest mix," I said.
"Santh!" angal ni Iris saakin.
Lumingon ako sa kanya at ngumiti ng pilit.
"Don't you know? I drown myself to alcohol for months after I caught you and Ry fucking..."
Napanganga siya dahil saaking sinabi. Her eyes widen and she immediately glanced at the bartender to know if he heard what I said.
He did.
But from all the stories he heard everyday in this place? Ours will probably be just boring.
Naglapag ng shot glass ang bartender sa harap ko kaya naman agad ko iyong ininom ng diretso.
Napangiwi ako dahil sa tapang noon. The taste is almost making me wanna puke.
"Slow down." paalala ni Iris habang hawak ang isa ring shot glass. I don't know. I didn't hear her ordering.
"Isa pa..."
"Santh!"
Tinaas ko kamay ko upang pigilan si Iris.
"Chill! Pangalawa palang to!" I said to her, laughing a little.
Muling naglapag ang bartender sa harap ko at agad ko iyong ininom muli.
Hezekiah is a playboy. I know that. His prime years with girls are very stressful for me. But over our relationship, he never once showed interest to other girls. Kaya naman panatag ang buong kalooban ko sa kanya hanggang ngayon... o at least, kahapon.
Hindi ko alam kung ano bang uunahin kong isipin. What just happened? I'm so fucking clueless now.
He's with me last night like there's nothing wrong. Is he playing with me? Masyado ko ba siyang nasaktan kaya niya ginagawa ito saakin?
Revenge then?
Or did his love for me became shallow for the past years that I'm gone that's why he can finally treat me like one of his girls before? Iyong flings niya na pinagsasabay...
Kumirot ang puso ko dahil kahit ano mang dahilan niya, parang hindi ko kayang marinig dahil masyado nang masakit.
"Let's dance!" aya ko kay Iris at tumayo upang hilahin siya. Sa dancefloor hindi kalayuan dito sa bar.
"Uwi na kaya tayo?"
Umirap ako sa kanya at kumapit sa kanyang braso.
"Don't be a KJ! Kakadating lang natin!"
We walk towards the dancefloor.
I danced on her but she remained standing in front of me while looking at me worriedly. Mas malala pa siya sa bodyguard ko!
It's so unusual because we both know she's wilder than me!
"C'mon girl!" aya ko sa kanya. "It's our night!"
Hinila ko siya papunta sa dance floor. She chuckled when I purposely bump my hip to hers.
"Sayaw na!"
Umiling siya at sinuklian ang hataw ng aking katawan sa pagsayaw. I screamed and danced more.
You're okay... we're okay, Santh.
We'll never gonna crumble down again just for anyone. Masasaktan ako pero hindi na ako mababasag. I will continue with my journey in life without leaving my broken pieces to the past that had hurt me.
Iyon ang kamalian ko noon kaya sa huli ay naubos ako. I'm not going to do it again. Buo na ako ngayon matapos ang lahat ng pinagdaanan ko. Buo ko itong haharapin at buo rin akong aalis.
Pero ngayon... hayaan nyo muna akong masaktan.
Ilang sandali ay nahila na si Iris saakin palayo noong may sumayaw sa likod niya. I smirked and wave my hand on her as she looked at me, worried.
Duh? I'm an adult already!
I continued to dance with hype in the middle of the dancefloor even if I'm alone. Ngumiti ako noong may sumayaw na lalaki sa harap ko. He's good looking and quite tall. Sobrang developed din ng triceps niya. It feels likes he's into gym or if not... into sports.
It's just that he looks mature but it's still noticeable that he's younger than me.
"Hi!" bati niya saakin.
"Hello!" sigaw ko dahil sa lakas ng tugtog.
He grind on my body. I laughed.
"What's your name?" tanong ko.
"Fire," he said.
My mouth turned an 'o'.
"Hot," I said.
Ngumisi siya saakin.
"You?"
"I'm－"
My mouth parted when he was pushed away from me. Ilang hakbang ang nailayo niya at ilang mga katawan pa ang nabangga niya. I heard their complaints.
"What the fuck?!" sigaw ni Fire.
Halos manghina ang tuhod ko noong maramdaman ko ang pamilyar na hawak saaking bewang at maamoy ang kanyang pamilyar na bango. Kahit hindi ako lumingon, alam ko na kung sino ito.
Damn it! Fuck you, Kieron! I told you not to tell him!
"Let's go." malamig ang kanyang tinig at pilit hinigit ang aking bewang bilang tanda na kailangan ko nang maglakad.
Pilit kong inalis ang kamay niya sa bewang ko at hinarap siya. I finally met his dark and angry eyes. His jaw is clenched tightly and he's glaring at me like he is not impressed and happy about what's happening.
Isinantabi ko iyon.
"What are you doing! Wala namang ginagawa iyong tao!"
He shot me deadly looks. I replied with mine.
Go away, jerk. I don't wanna see you now.
Let me breathe.
"Sasama ka o makakapatay ako?"
Napasinghap ako sa kanyang sinabi. What the fuck? Did he really say it? He sounded like a villain murderer who won't be stopped!
Wala akong nagawa noong higitin niya ang kamay ko upang hilahin ako palabas ng club. His grip on my wrist is so tight that it's already hurting me.
Nanatili ang tingin ko roon. I fought my tears not to fall and I smiled bitterly. The image of him and Ara kissing flashed on my mind.
If this is the price of hurting you... then I guess, I have to accept.
Tahimik akong sumakay sa kotse niya. I sent an apology text to Iris because I had to go first.
We reached my unit in no time. Dire-diretso lang akong naglakad papunta sa kwarto at hindi pinapakealamanan kung ano ang gagawin niya.
Kakahubad ko palang ng sling bag ko ay malakas nang nagbukas ang pinto. Ganoon din noong nagsara ito.
Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya at umupo sa kama upang magtanggal ng heels.
"Ano? Ganito nalang?" rinig kong tanong niya.
"I'm tired." sagot ko.
"You seem not when you're wildly dancing with another man." He said gritting his teeth while walking closer to me.
Tumayo ako upang lagpasan siya para kumuha ng damit sa closet ngunit agad niya akong hinila upang maharap ko siya.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" galit niyang tanong saakin.
"Where are you last night before going here?" tanong ko sa kanya.
Kumunot ang noo niya ngunit hindi nawala ang galit doon.
"Nasa hotel." sagot niya. "Now tel－"
"Is there something you want to tell me?" tanong kong ulit, sumusubok na sasabihin niya saakin kasabay ng paghingi ng tawad at pag-amin na hindi niya ginusto iyon.
Isang salita lang... maniniwala ako, Heze.
His eyes turned to question. Bumagsak ang puso ko.
"We're talking about your behavior tonight," he said.
Umiling ako at pilit na inagaw sa kanya ang aking kamay. Noong makawala ako ay naglakad ako papalapit sa closet. Bago ko pa iyon mabuksan ay agad niya ako muling nahila pa-harap sa kanya at sinandal ako sa closet. Both of his hands are placed on my both sides, restraining me to move.
"What's your problem, baby huh... tell me..." malambing niyang sabi, ibang-iba sa tono niya kanina ang ngayong nanunuyo na.
His lips parted when he saw my tears fall from my eyes. His voice is so good in my ears and it's making my heartbeat rose alive but it's also hurting me now, thinking it is not real or it is not just for me...
"Chrysanthe..." he called me.
Malakas kong hinampas ang kanyang dibdib.
"Won't you tell me how you smooched Ara last night and then you come here to kiss me?!" mabilis ang hininga ko habang patuloy ko pa ding hinahampas ang kanyang dibdib.
My tears fell more freely. I don't want to cry in front of anyone especially in front of the people who hurt me. Pero iba to kasi si Heze to... he saw me broken and weak. After all these years, it's still easy to cry when I'm with him... even if he's the reason for my tears.
Nanghina ang kanyang pagkakakulong saakin kaya madali ko siyang natulak palayo saakin. His eyes became a mixture of worry, sorry, pain and panic.
"Baby, listen－"
"Tell me." putol ko sa kanyang sinasabi. "You kissed, right?"
Bumakas ang sakit sa kanyang mata at namula ang kanyang mata. I look away because the sight of him is hurting me.
"Yes..."
Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa kanya habang tuloy-tuloy ang pagtulo ng luha ko. He admitted it like I wanted him to do but it's tearing my heart apart now that I heard it from him.
I could have accepted a lie, you know?
"But babe..."
Nagtangka ulit siyang lumapit ngunit hinawi ko ang kanyang kamay. Lumabas ako ng kwarto at mabilis na dumiretso sa shoe rack. Kinuha ko ang simpleng slippers doon.
"Santh, listen to me first. Kausapin mo muna ko, please..." tawag niya ngunit sarado na ang utak ko.
It was too painful to absorb in just one day.
"Let's talk next time." sagot ko.
Hindi ko na kaya pang tanggapin kung meron pa siyang sasabihin dahil hindi ko alam kung ilan doon ang sinala niya at ano ang pilit niyang tinatago.
Naramdaman ko ang kanyang kamay saaking braso bago pa ako makapaglakad papunta sa maliit ng hallway palabas ng aking unit.
I'm sure my bodyguards are just around.
"Where are you going?" paos niyang tanong saakin.
Sumakit ang puso ko noong narinig ko ang paghihirap at pagsusumamo sa kanyang tinig.
"Sa Cavite." sagot ko nalang upang pakawalan niya ako.
"Will it always be like this? Lalayo ka nanaman at mang-iiwan kapag naiipit ka?"
Nabato ako sa aking kinakatayuan at nanlamig ang aking pakiramdam.
"Paano naman ako?" he asked painfully.