swansong /ˈswɒnsɒŋ/
noun
a metaphorical phrase for a final gesture, effort, or performance given just before death or retirement
𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚 : MENTIONED OF MEDICAL TERMS AND PROCEDURES, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND VIOLENCE
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Hakyon has been always an exceptional kid. He couldn't blend well with his other friends. He's introvert and socially awkward. He couldn't muster up the courage to speak up in front of a stranger and he'd freaking out if someone tries to talk to him. He didn't have the great social skill and that makes him hard to make friends.
He was a cheerful kid at first before his father died when he was three. He then lives together with his mother, depending on her most of the time - making him overly attached to his mother. She used to say to him that they didn't need anyone in their life, and they will survive the ordeal after the death of his father. Hakyon believes his mother.
It was five years later when his mother decided to get married again. Hakyon was devastated and feels betrayed. His mother had forgotten the promise. He thought his mother doesn't need anyone but him. She always said Hakyon is the only one she needs, and they will be together forever.
But then why did his mother need someone else? Why did his mother say she had fallen in love? Why did his mother say she need a man beside her? Why did his mother say that she loves him and that man too? Why can't she choose one person to love? Why can't she love him till the end of the time?
Hakyon hates his stepfather. For him, he had taken away the most important person in his life. Their relationship was cold and harsh. Hakyon couldn't bring himself to talk to him for more than ten words. He just keeps himself locked up in his room. And his stepfather didn't bother to be kind to him too. They despise each other.
Hakyon never likes school. For him, school is full of hypocritical people. The student who had been praised for their beauty and intelligence - sucking around the teachers and making themselves favorable. The student who didn't care about the rules and regulations, doing weird stuff at school, and even had their own gang - being territorial.
Then there are some students who pretend to be nice in front of everyone but being bitching about people they hate behind them. A student who just doing their thing without cares about others and the student who had been bullied just because they were some sort of geeks or nerds.
Hakyon found out it is hard for him to be at school. He didn't have any friends because they think he is weird. Hakyon always a loner and because of that, he is subjected to being bullied. It is concerning when he always gets home with nasty bruises on his face and body.
But Hakyon says nothing about it until the school gives a call to his mother one day. Hakyon involved in a fight with one of his bullies. Hakyon never had any problem with discipline before but to be involved in a fight is far than worst. His mother didn't take the issues really well. After seeing how bad his son had been beaten up, she decided to pull him out of the school.
Hakyon never resisted or say anything. In fact, Hakyon had always been distanced after she remarried. She didn't know how to handle the sensitive teen, decided to let him deal with his own emotion at that time. She thought Hakyon will come around and will understand the situation better.
But she was proven wrong. The gap between them getting bigger through times and she didn't know how to talk to Hakyon anymore. Hakyon becomes more aggressive and distant. He needs to be home-schooled because it's hard for him to blend with the other student.
She put the blames on herself for neglecting him when he needs her the most. She didn't know her second marriage will affect him so much. It makes her own relationship with her husband turn to sour after she had been spending most of her time on Hakyon again. He becomes closer to her like before, cling to her like a toddler - following her around.
"Your son is sick! He needs help!" her husband yelled at her one day after Hakyon didn't let him be with her even for a minute. He had enough of his antics and he just had the outburst out of frustration.
After three years of marriage, constant argument, and bickering, she decided to get a divorce. She loves her husband, but she loves her son more. She might have abandoned him before, so she won't do the same again. Even if it's mean she had to leave her husband. Hakyon is everything to her. She will do anything for him. Hakyon needs her and she didn't want to neglect her son again.
She notices the odd behavior of her son and brings him to meet with the doctor; a psychiatrist. She didn't want Hakyon to live in his own world. A world where all the negatives thought keep lingering him. She didn't want Hakyon to become more depressed and do something unthinkable. She just wants Hakyon to live a normal life, like the other teenagers.
It was borderline personality disorder, a serious mental health condition that impacts the moods and relationships of the affected person. A person with BPD may appear jealous, possessive, or hyper-reactive. These individuals often fear being left alone and have deep feelings of worthlessness.
Individuals with this disorder often feel unwanted and easily discarded. This feeling of being unwanted and easily discarded may result in frantic attempts to avoid any perceived abandonment. Often, these individuals cling to a partner quickly and intensely.
Hakyon was bewildered when he heard the prognosis from the doctor. He didn't see himself having a mental illness. He was scared at first, thinking that he's going to be crazy. But his mother is on his side, giving him the strength as he undergoes the therapy session. Gradually, he's getting better and Hakyon was happy with his mother again.
Hakyon was fourteen when he realized he loved music. Hip-hop specifically. He heard someone had a rap battle underground and it spikes his interest. Hakyon was gifted with the talent and ecstatic that finally, he found something he loves.
From the underground scene then he met with Namjoon and Seungwoon. Of course, he was closeted at first, but Namjoon had approached him and talk about music. His passion and his intellect had piqued his interest to get to know the teenager. Namjoon is special and he loves music so much that Hakyon becomes relatable to him.
From there, the three will always be together - talking about music, sharing their thought about hip-hop, and dreaming about how they will break the world with their indigenous songs. They even make a promise to be together forever. A friendship promise that no one is allowed to break.
And Hakyon didn't notice that he had fallen into the same pattern again. How he had become attached to Namjoon and Seungwoon. How their friendship had become the reason he feels wanted and worthy. How their love towards him makes him feels happy - as happy as he was with his mother.
When Namjoon decided to become an idol, Hakyon tried to be happy for him even though deep down inside his heart, he was torn with the decision. Not that he didn't like Namjoon to be an idol but it's rather being apart with his friend is much to his dismay. Seungwoon evidently against the decision and Hakyon wants to be more understanding because he didn't want to lose their friendship.
He had been keeping in touch with Namjoon throughout his trainee days. Nothing more than to make sure that Namjoon didn't forget about him and Seungwoon. Despite he can see the gap became bigger for the three of them due to his busy schedules, Hakyon managed to stay positive.
Well, until the tragic incident happens. Everything's changed. Seungwoon died. Hakyon suffered a serious injury. And Namjoon nowhere to be found. He never saw the male until he went to the State for further treatment. During the stay, Hakyon keeps himself updated with Namjoon. He knows the success story of BTS and how they had become a worldwide sensation.
Namjoon was smiling on the screen, evidently happy with the continuous achievement of the band. Hakyon smiles looking at how good Namjoon was - becoming a great leader. He smiles fondly before it falters when Namjoon pulled Yoongi into a tight hug and cried on his shoulder; overwhelmed with their success.
His heart immediately dropped to the pit of his stomach. It ached so much that his breath hitched every time he tried to breathe. He fisted his hand into a ball, clutching the bed sheet with anger. The grief he had been mourning over Seungwoon's death for the past years had never ceased a bit. Now, seeing how Namjoon is relishing his life as an idol had put a damper on his heart.
Namjoon doesn't show his own feeling towards the others frequently, particularly his tears. He's not a man who wears his emotion on his face. The difference between him, Seungwoon, and Namjoon were that of tangibility or visibility. Whereas Seungwoon and Hakyon were more vocal about their opinions and sentiments, Namjoon is more reserved.
But when he saw how Namjoon had become closer to Yoongi, how he always said Yoongi had helped him in many ways, how Yoongi means everything to him - Hakyon knows Namjoon was no longer his precious friend. He had become Yoongi's and he hates it.
To see how he behaved with Yoongi is a new side that he hasn't caught before. And his heart was filled with malevolence. Hakyon had become a green-eyed monster. He didn't want to lose Namjoon to Yoongi. He had lost Seungwoon and he didn't want to lose his only friend in this world. He can't let that happen.
The hatred grows inside him like a parasite. Hakyon becomes greedy and wanted their friendship to belong to him only. No one can come between them. He won't allow such a thing to happen. He needs to protect Namjoon and Seungwoon. He wants Namjoon and Seungwoon to be with him forever. No one can take his friends from him. Never.
He then planned everything. How he had changed his name to Sukhoon, created a fake resume to become the assistant manager at Big Hit, getting closer to Namjoon, taunting him every chance he had, making his bandmates to hates him and to makes Yoongi hate him - finally, his plan was coming to success. Hakyon managed to steal Namjoon from the control of BTS; once again be with him like before.
Namjoon belongs to him. Only him. Forever. That's when he finally realized, he loves Namjoon more than a friend. An undying love that turns into a dangerous obsession.
"Leave BTS and stay with me, forever..." he said to Namjoon with a smile on his face. He can see the tremor on the latter male.
Namjoon gulped hard at the sudden demand, looking at Hakyon incredulously. "Le - leave BTS? Bb - but Hakyon-ah..."
Hakyon hissed, interrupting the male to speak. "What is it? You said you will do anything. Are you try to change your mind now?" he assumed in wrath.
Namjoon sucked his breath, eyes on Hakyon with fear. "I - I don't understand Hakyon-ah. If - if you hate me, then why? Why do you want me to be with you?" he probed for an answer over his confusion. He couldn't decipher the reason behind the peculiar demand. It doesn't make sense for Hakyon to ask something like that if he hates him to the core.
What's his plan?
Hakyon grinned at the question before he slowly advanced towards the male. Hakyon takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He can see how Namjoon scooted away and bring his tied hands in front of him - an act of defense. He doesn't understand why he reacted that way since he has no intention to hurt him.
Well, for now.
"Don't you want to be like before, Namjoonie?" Hakyon asked merrily.
Namjoon frowned at the sudden change of attitude. "Like before?" he parroted.
Hakyon nods eagerly. "Like when we were still doing music underground? You, me, and Seungwoon. We were happy back then, right? Don't you think it is fun if we can do the same again?" Hakyon said with a wide smile coated on his face.
Namjoon bit his lips as his mind recalling the good old days. The days when he had been laughing while he was with Seungwoon and Hakyon. The days when he had the pure dream of becoming a great hip-hop artist. The days when he struggles to balance his life and his passion for music. The beautiful days that had become the best memories of his life. The days when he has Seungwoon and Hakyon through his up and down.
Namjoon got teary eyes when those memories submerged, flashing like a film roll. He missed Seungwoon and Hakyon. He missed the moment when they were happy together.
"Namjoonie..."
Namjoon flinched when Hakyon placed his hand on top of his, staring at him with his soft eyes. A look he used to see when they were younger. "Yonnie-ah..."
"Come with me, Namjoonie. Let us re-create again the memory together. Let us make our dream comes true. Let do this for Seungwoon. Okay?" persuades Hakyon.
Namjoon's lips tremble at the mention of their deceased friend. His heart always breaks whenever memories of Seungwoon came to his mind. The bittersweet moment he had with his best friend. The moment that will never come back again.
Namjoon inhaled in surprise when Hakyon cupped his face, forcing him to look at the said male directly. Even though the gestures don't inflict any pain to him, but the coldness of the palm touching his skin making him feel uneasy. Especially when their distance becomes closer and closer.
"Namjoonie, don't you want to make our dreams come true? Seungwoon would be happy if he knows that now you and me are together again. We can create our own path and reliving our forgotten dream. Don't you want to fulfill Seungwoon's last wish?"
Namjoon let his fat tears to roll down to his cheek, staring at Hakyon with a strained heart. He knows how much Seungwoon wanted to become a hip-hop artist. He realized how much Seungwoon wanted his song to be heard by the world. Namjoon knows. And because of that, he feels guilty for leaving him and Hakyon in order to pursue his own dream.
Nevertheless, Hakyon request is demanding and creates the burdensome to him. He can't leave his bandmates just like that. It will cause problems for everyone. Namjoon didn't know if he has the courage to abandon everything right now. For his whole life he had been working so hard for BTS. All the blood, sweat and tears he had shed to be on the top of the world been paid off. They managed to prove to the world their worth and talent.
Not the fame nor wealth. Namjoon didn't care about it. What matters is his bandmates. Will he be able to live without the six? Will he be able to leave BTS? Will he be able to forget the army who had been together with BTS since day one till now? Namjoon couldn't think his life without them. What about his own family? He can't do that to his parent and his sister.
"Hak - Hakyon... I don't - I don't think - aghhh..." Namjoon yelped when Hakyon pressed his palm harder making him winced in pain at the pressure.
Hakyon grits his teeth anger, gawking at Namjoon with full of resentment in his dark eyes.
Namjoon didn't know why but he needs to explain to Hakyon. He wants Hakyon to understand his situation. "Hakyon-ah... I can't - I can't leave just like that..."
Hakyon groaned. "Why?" he asked with a grim voice. Both of his hands still on Namjoon's face even he can see the discomfort.
Namjoon shuddered. "I'm - I'm the leader. I can't - I can't leave my bandmates. They - they need me..." he stammered in his speech, afraid that anything he said will agitate his friend.
"But it's okay for you to leave me, huh?" Hakyon retorts with animosity. He let down one of his hands and the other one digging on Namjoon's face. He ignored the wincing and how the skin starts to become red.
Namjoon shakes his head weakly. "Nno - no - Hakyon. It's not - it's not -"
"You choose those stupid boys over me?" Hakyon interrupted, dangerously ogling at Namjoon.
Namjoon's body trembled in fear. "Hak - Hakyon..."
"Then I have to get rid of that mut so you'll be with me forever, right?" suggested Hakyon with a smug face.
Namjoon's eyes widen in horror. He shakes his head harder than before, soft sobs slipped through his chapped lips. "No, please - please Hakyon-ah. Please, I beg you. Please don't hurt them..." Namjoon begged with his shaken voice, pleading the said male through the tears glistening on his eyes.
Hakyon holds his breath staring at Namjoon with bitterness in his heart. The glint of helplessness on Namjoon's eyes begging for his members creates the storm in him. How he wanted to wipe off every single member of BTS, making them vanish from Namjoon's life forever. He hates how in this situation Namjoon still thinking about the six men. It's so pathetic to see how Namjoon is begging him to spare their life.
"Then do what I asked you to do, Kim Namjoon. I'll let them live if you come with me..."
"Bb - but - "
"Deal or no deal?" Hakyon quickly cuts, didn't have the patient to wait for Namjoon to decide about it anymore.
Namjoon swallowed hard, looking at Hakyon through his hazelnut orbs. The tears keep flowing through his eyes. He didn't know whether this is a good decision or not, whether Hakyon or his bandmates will be happy with his choices. But Namjoon didn't want any of them to feel hurt. It's tough but he has to choose.
Namjoon bites his lower lips anxiously, taking a deep breath before he nods meekly. "Okay - okay..."
Hakyon's mouth twitched slightly. "Okay what, Namjoon?"
Namjoon stares at Hakyon. "I'll go - I'll go with you..." he said firmly.
A wide grin spread on Hakyon's face instantly. He let go of the grip on Namjoon's face, replacing with softer touch using both of his hand - cupping the wet face. His thumbs move to wipe the remnant of the tears delicately.
"I'm so happy, Namjoonie. I know - I know you will never leave me, right?" he whispered with a cheerful tone. Obviously happy with the latter decision. Even though he was skeptical at first that Namjoon will never pick him over BTS but in the end, their precious friendship had won the battle.
"But..."
His thumbs stop moving at the word. His eyes peered over Namjoon's quivering eyes. "But?"
"Let me - let me talk to Yoongi for - for once..." requested Namjoon. He didn't know how he had the courage to ask the question but he just wants to try his luck.
Hakyon scrunched his nose in disgust at the mentioned of his main rival, Yoongi. "Why?" he asked bitterly.
Namjoon exhaled heavily. "I have to - have to inform him before I go with you, right? I should tell him that I' not coming back and - and they need to find another leader. I just don't want - don't want to leave them without a proper goodbye..."
Hakyon gets up from the bed, pacing back and forth as he keeps thinking about Namjoon's request. He was torn between Namjoon and his selfish need to get Namjoon all by himself. But he can see the consequences of Namjoon's disappearance. Of course, it will create chaos. Everyone will keep on searching for Namjoon and it won't do any good to him. Hakyon needs to plan carefully if he wants to bring Namjoon far from BTS.
Hakyon runs his fingers through his black hair, still pondering whether he should let Namjoon talks to Yoongi. He steals a glance at Namjoon that seems nervous, acting jittery on the bed. Hakyon then sneaked on his sweater, taking out his phone before he shoved it to Namjoon.
Namjoon jerked at the act, lips parted slightly as he wasn't expecting for Hakyon to agree. He stares at the phone for a second before he tried to take it from Hakyon. However, Hakyon takes his hand back, brings the phone to his chest.
"I'll let you talk for five minutes, only. Just tell him that you're going to leave BTS and will never come back to him or BTS anymore," informed Hakyon in a serious tone.
Namjoon nods in agreement.
"Don't do anything stupid! You will not like the consequences!" threatened Hakyon further.
Namjoon whispered an okay before his shaking hand took the phone from Hakyon. He quickly dialed Yoongi's number, heart racing inside his ribcage - praying that the elder will pick his call as fast as he can. Namjoon was quite nervous when Yoongi didn't answer at first try. He tried for the second time, chanting in his mind for Yoongi to pick up.
Please! Please! Please! Pick up the call! Please!
"Hello?"
Namjoon holds his breath when Yoongi's grumpy voice echoed from the other side. He tightened his grip on Hakyon's phone. Hakyon had been watching him all the time, making Namjoon feel anxious.
"Hello? Who's this? If this is a prank, I don't have the time to -"
"Hyu - hyung..." Namjoon's voice cracked as he tried to hold his tears. He didn't know that he really missed Yoongi until he listened to his voice. The urge to go back to his bandmates and family had heightened each second. It is unbearable but Namjoon knows that he didn't have the chance to do so.
The other side becomes silent for a moment. Namjoon didn't know the reason for it and he tried to speak again. "Yoongi-hyung - hyung - it's me..."
A choking voice can be heard through the phone. "Nam - Namjoon?"
Namjoon instantly cried at the mention of his name. he can hear a few rustlings on Yoongi's side and how the elder male is shouting for everyone's name.
"Nam - namjoon! Please, tell me. Where are you? We're going to save you. Don't you worry, Joonie. We - we are doing our best here that you can be with us again. Just tell me, tell me where are you?"
Yoongi asked in a hurry, afraid that the call will end soon. He expects that the kidnapper had asked Namjoon to call him for a certain reason. Maybe to demand a ransom. Whatever the amount he wants, Yoongi and the others are willing to give all their fortune as long as Namjoon is safe.
Namjoon shakes his head, forgetting that Yoongi couldn't see him right now. "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm really sorry, but I can't... I'm not going back... I'm not -"
"What do you mean, Joon-ah? Please don't say something like that! Just tell hyung, please. Please, Joon. Tell me where you are right now, and I'll go to you. Please...." Yoongi pleads in dismay, now totally scared after listening to Namjoon's words.
Namjoon continues to sob and he can hear the same from Yoongi too. His heart clenched at the thought that his hyung is crying because of him. Namjoon lifted his head when he heard the groan from Hakyon, as the male waiting for him to end the call, gesturing him to speak as fast as he can.
"I'm sorry, hyung. I'm - I'm doing this because I don't want him to hurt you. I love you and the rest and I don't want because of me - "
"Joon-ah, please, I beg you - don't -"
"I'm really sorry. Tell everyone that I'm sorry. And - and I love -"
"Please - please, don't do this...Whatever he asks you to do, do not listen to him, Joon-ah.."
Namjoon can hear the desperation but he needs to do this for the sake of his bandmates.
"I - I love you, hyung... Tell the others that I love them too..."
"Joon - Joonie - please, baby - no! Don't do this -"
Namjoon squeezed shut his eyes at the names called by his hyung and he was crying over the phone, begging for him. Namjoon can feel his heart shattered into pieces.
"Good - goodbye, hyung..."
"Namj - "
Namjoon ended the call abruptly.
Hakyon takes the phone and smirked victoriously.
Namjoon let out the most devastating cry as he curled himself on the bed - wallowing the sorrow as he bid the most painful goodbye ever in his life.
The swan-song to everything.
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You may hate me for the non-stop cliffhanger. But as for now, this is how the story goes.
I don't feel sorry for the angst and I assure you that the upcoming chapter will be heavier than this. 😏
I purposely wrote about Hakyon's background so that you can understand the reason behind his odd behavior. For those who are wondering about the illness suffered by Hakyon, this is the link and you can read it for a better understanding.
https://www.sanjosebh.com/disorders/borderline-personality/causes-effects/#:~:text=In%20close%20relationships%2C%20a%20person,abuse%2C%20violence%2C%20or%20neglect.