"We've been driving for a while, Ray. Where are we going?" Ray's hands tighten on the steering wheel, whitening his knuckles. He doesn't answer though. Ray clenches his jaw and picks up the speed. I hold onto the handle above the window; we always called it the "Oh Shit" handle, except Mom. Mom only ever used it when teaching us to drive and always called it the "Save Me, Jesus" handle. Either suffices for how I am feeling this very moment. Ray turned down a back highway long ago, one that I usually avoid. There's nothing out this way except bayou and crawfish and catfish farms for miles. What if Ray is going to kill me?
The sun is high in the sky now, and heat waves dance off the highway before we can reach them. Love bugs crash into the windshield over and over, leaving large spots where they kamikazed. Egrets wade through the bayou, flying away now and then, presumably to a new fishing spot. This time yesterday, we put Pawpaw in the ground. I'm sure there were many minute details like these that I completely missed in our day of mourning. The ringtone on Ray's phone breaks me from my reverie.
"Make any sound, and I will crash us both without hesitation," Ray warns as he points his cell phone at me. I nod so that he might see my compliance to this whole situation. He arcs an eyebrow before answering his phone. "Hello? Hey Tom, what's up? No, not since I told her you went to run a few errands... Calm down, I'm sure she's fine... I wanted to run back to the office at school, I forgot one of the answer keys there... Yeah, I'll call if I hear from her... Tom, don't do that... Tom, she just lost Ed too. She probably is grieving in her own way... Yeah, I'll be back in a couple hours, but keep me updated if you get ahold of her... Sure thing, Tom. Bye." Ray hangs up the phone, and I let out a huge breath. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath during the phone call.
"Why didn't you just tell him I was with you?"
"Harper, you have to understand something. You have poisoned me and my once great relationships with your dad and Rick. Rick and I made a promise not to talk to you about any relationship type stuff until he and I had more of a chance to do so," Ray slams his hand down on the steering wheel, making me jump slightly. "He broke that promise first, although, it was only a matter of time anyway with how you ensnare the men around you. Then," he gets louder and takes a deep breath, "Tom asks me to deliver a simple message to you, but also makes me promise that he gets to talk to you about before any of our relationships move forward. Tom asks me to pass the message along to Rick as well, who, lo and behold, couldn't keep himself from crawling into bed with you!" He's practically yelling now, and I feel like a small child being chastised for stealing an extra cookie after dinner.
"That was my fault Ray, I'm sorry," all calm from my voice is gone now. "I never meant to hurt anyone..."
"Well, that's the point isn't it?" He growls. "You never thought beyond your own little world. You never stopped to think how your decisions would affect the very foundation of other's relationships." Ray picks up speed again, and a pit begins to form in my stomach. Ray doesn't intend for any of these issues to end with simple conversation; he's going to end the problem by ending me.
"Ray, think about this," I begin trying to reason with him, not seeing an alternative. "If you simply eliminate me, the problem," I add, attempting to show that I agree with him, "then you'll still have issues with Dad and Derrick. You'll be the man who killed me."
"Oh, sweet, naïve Laney, you think my plan is to just kill you?" He laughs in a way that brings me more unease. "No, no, no, no, no. That would be too simple and too easily traceable back to me."
"Then, what is your plan?"
"You never could wait for anything, could you?" A strange smile creeps across his face. Unease fills me as chills creep up my spine. "You know, I remember your sixteenth birthday. Your parents had planned a surprise party at Crawfish Eddie's," I remember this too. Crawfish Eddie's has always been my favorite restaurant in town because of the fun and casual atmosphere and, of course, the crawfish. Dad and Ray had been playing golf that morning, so they were together when they picked me up from track and field practice. "You had swiped Tom's phone without either of us realizing until it was too late." Hope has texted Dad, telling him to stall just a little longer. They were still waiting on Jared, my best friend, who had also been at track and field practice with me. I had known something was up when he hadn't mentioned my birthday all day.
"I found out the surprise on our way home to change," I continue the memory meekly. A sad smile finds its way onto my face. "You and Dad realized it only after we pulled into the driveway. "You both made me swear Mom and Hope would never know that I found out. So, I acted surprised when we finally made it over to Crawfish Eddie's," I mindlessly play with the hem of my shirt as we talk about these much simpler and happier times.
"Even back then, I loved your stubbornness and guile," I look up at him timidly, but his features have softened since the start of this conversation. "You always needed to know everything, but hardly ever let anyone know anything about you." Ray scratches at the scruff that has grown on his chin this week. If I didn't fear for my life right now, I would find it attractive. "That first night we had together in my office, that wasn't the first time I realized how I felt about you." I turn my attention back to the road, not wanting to look at him as he talks about this past. "The moment you arrived on campus, Rick and I wanted to take you out. We were both proud of being professors, and we wanted to show off to someone we knew. You stepped out of your dorm building, laughing with your new roommate about who knows what, and my heart skipped a beat." A tear falls down my cheek, wondering how things got from such an innocent beginning to here. "The only problem was, I saw Rick looking at you the exact same way. See," his grip tightens on the steering wheel once more, "I knew about you and Rick from the very beginning, but I held out hope that eventually you would see you and I belong together."
"Why didn't you just say something back then? Maybe I -"
"Maybe you would have what? Chosen me first then slept with Rick behind my back?" His voice vibrates down to my very core. "Eventually we would still be here all because you strung two loyal men along in your little game!" The car slows a little, and Ray whips onto an old dirt road. It takes me a moment to place where we are as we drive further down this road.
"Why are we going to the Woodlands Plantation?" Memories flood my mind of a time we all came out here for a day. Mom and Dad wanted a cool, interactive tour for all of us to do. Derrick came, as did Ray and his family. Ray was trying to mend things with Mel, which ended up only working out for a short while. Mom and I got in a fight about some party I wanted to go to, and Hope didn't back me up. Dad and Stanton stayed out of it of course, and I went off sulking on my own. Ray volunteered to chase after me.
"Hey kiddo, you alright?" I look up from the seat I've taken in the gazebo. Ray stays at the entrance, looking cautious. I smile up at him before looking off into the field that we just learned once grew an abundance of indigo and then sugar cane.
"I'm fine." I sigh heavily, not wanting to talk about it, but hoping he'll ask anyway.
"Laney-bug, you know you can talk to me, right?" Ray takes the seat across from me, leaning forward to make eye contact.
"I'm just so ready to be out of here! College, exploring the world, I don't care really, I just want to be gone!" I blurt out quickly with passion. Rays laughs lightly as he leans back again.
"The world is out there waiting for a spirit like yours for sure, but there is no need to hurry through the now," he gestures around us. I glance around, not really seeing anything worth pausing my life over. "Laney, your teens are some of the best years of your life."
"Oh jeez, Ray, people older than others always say the younger are in the best years of their life," I wave off his cliché before continuing, "I can't enjoy these years all that much if Mom keeps stifling me anyway." I slump back in my seat.
"Kay is just doing what all good parents do, putting their child's safety first. High school parties are notorious for drugs, drinking and sex, inhibitions be damned!"
"This is real life, not the movies," I give Ray my most dramatic eyeroll. "Drinking? Sure. All that other stuff? Only at certain kinds of parties, and this isn't one of those!"
"Sounds like there might be something rather important set to happen at this party," Ray squints his eyes at me, the corners of his mouth still hinting at a smile. I blush wondering how Ray could know that Trey Donovan personally invited me there, hinting that he really wanted me in particular to show up. I've kissed boys before, and one girl, but none that I wanted to be with long term. I think Trey could finally be that guy.
"It's just a party," I lie. "All my friends will be there, and I will be missing out on the epicness that is bound to happen simply because my mother is the most controlling in all the land!" I stand up, too fired up to be sitting any longer.
"Hey, you should live your life to its epic proportions, party or not. You shouldn't rely on how other people are living their lives to determine the worth of yours." I look over at Ray who raises his eyebrows at me, wondering if I'll accept his advice.
I look off into the fields, wondering if I could make a break for it. I've never seen Ray this crazed before, and I doubt anyone else has either. Maybe I deserve whatever is coming for me if I can turn a good man into a monster. No! I may be guilty for a myriad of wrong doings, but Ray's guilt in all this is his own.
The car finally comes to a stop, and I burst out as quickly as possible. Ray isn't far behind though, and grabs my ponytail, yanking me back toward him.
"You started this game; you cannot run from it." He leads me toward the pavilion we sat under together years ago, my head still aching from his use of force. I looked up to Ray back then, always wanting the kind of friend he has been to my dad over the years. This new light I'm seeing him under now has me wondering what kind of evil has been germinating under that charming façade all these years. I have a feeling I've only had a taste of it so far.
"Ray, I don't know what we're doing out here, or if you're expecting me to beg or something," Ray shoots me a look that I cannot read.
"Beg? For what?" He scoffs as he whips out his phone. Ray puts his hand on my mouth as he pulls me toward him, and I can see that he's calling Derrick. What kind of Shakespearean shit have I gotten myself into? I writhe around, trying desperately to break free of him. Ray merely tightens his hold on me, cutting off air altogether to my mouth and nose. I hear the rings and then the slight static from the answering of the phone.
"Ray, what's up?" Derrick answers sounding calm, like there are so few cares in the world. There is a tinge of sadness to his voice as well, and I wonder if he thinks I just ran out on him again.
"Hey Rick, I just wanted to let you know I found Harper wandering around campus," Ray states this lie, coating his words with just enough worry and sympathy to sound real.
"Y'all are on campus?" Rick remarks, surprise unhidden.
"Not anymore, I'm driving her back home. She seemed really torn up. She's asleep now in the back. I know she hasn't been sleeping as well as she should." There's a long pause, and I can't hear Derrick as well as before. "Ah Rick, you and I, we're practically blood. I would never let someone ruin our friendship." I feel panic welling up from the mixture of not being able to breathe and Ray's vow to Rick about not letting anyone come between them. I begin my attempts again of breaking free, but Ray barely flinches keeping me still. "No worries Rick. We'll talk soon. I'm pulling into that old Woodlands Plantation real quick, then we'll be back. Yeah, I'll meet y'all over at Ed's. Yeah, let Tom know. Yeah, bye." Ray hangs up his phone and slides it into his back pocket.
Ray pushes me onto the bench that I was once sulking on years ago, lamenting about how I was missing out on so much in life. If only I could take back so many moments now, all the ones that lead up to where I am now. Ray takes a seat across from me. So many aspects of this situation are so familiar, and yet, much has changed. What happened to the man that gave me sound advice right here in this pavilion? What happened to the boy that saw a friend in serious trouble and did something to save him? What happened to the man that for many years was a loving and protective father to his own children? What happened in all that time that has lead us here?
"Will you tell me what we're doing out here?" My voice is barely audible, and I can feel myself shaking from head to toe despite the sweltering heat.
"Well, Laney, this was the location of one of the first conversations you and I had one on one," Ray leans back in his seat looking me over, an unfamiliar look in his eye. "You were so honest and open about what you wanted back then. You didn't care about how your actions might affect those around you, instead worrying about other's actions affecting your life." He stretches his neck, twisting it back and forth. I hear a few crackles, and a satisfied smile settles on his face. "I suppose that last part hasn't changed much.," he snickers as he continues to look me over.
"I remember that day, but what does reminiscing have to do with why you brought me out here? What does any of this have to do with anything?"
"Oh Laney-bug, that was the start of our friendship. One separate from the rest of your family. One that started our long, arduous journey to here and now." Ray leans in with a sickly grin, and I begin regretting so many things in my life. "This will all end where it all started. Life is full of symmetry; why would this be any different?" My mind is racing with all the ways he might mean to this all ending. Ray already said his plan wasn't to simply kill me, so then what? As if reading my thoughts, he pulls a paper bag out of the back of his waistband.
"What do you have there, Ray?" I ask, my voice shaking. I don't really want to know. I don't really want to be here. It was a mistake coming home. It was a mistake getting involved with Ray, and even Derrick. So many mistakes, too late to correct any.
"Why don't you open it and see for yourself?" He gingerly sets the bag down on the ground between us. The top of the bag is rolled up, so I cannot even peak inside without opening it myself. I lean in unrolling the bag and reaching inside; my hand immediately makes contact with something cool and metallic. A sinking feeling combined with a rise of bile wash away all other senses. "Go ahead, take it out," Ray coaxes gently. Does he have another gun on him? Where did he get this one? Why does he want me to have a hold of it? I decide in a mere moment to take out the gun and point it at Ray. My hands won't stop shaking, but at least now I hold a vessel of power over him.
"Take us home," I try to sound firm, but my voice quavers enough to know I'm afraid.
"I won't."
"I'll shoot you."
"You'll shoot me? I'm an unarmed man, sitting here vulnerably with my friend's daughter on this beautiful day." He waves his hands around indicating the truth in his words of our scenario. "Although, I do believe before this day is over, you will shoot me." He smiles wickedly at me, and I am lost.
"I don't understand what game you're playing here Ray, but I'm not interested. I just want to go home and pretend like none of this ever happened." I keep the gun aimed at his chest, more as a precaution for me than as a threat to him.
"Life isn't a game, Laney. I don't know how many times we have to go over this." Ray sits back exasperated that I'm not following what's happening. I don't know how I could follow what is happening as this is all part of a plan of a crazy person! "You are pointing a gun at me right now. Does that feel like a game? If so, perhaps we should have gotten you help much sooner in life."
"Shut up!" Ray's eyes widen and I feel my heart race. "I'm so tired of all this bullshit! I'm tired of your bullshit!" I stand up slowly keeping the gun pointed at his chest, hands still trembling. "I've let myself feel angry at you, despise you even. At some point, so much of that dissipated into pity and guilt. I blamed you for so much that I knew wasn't your fault, or at least not yours alone." Tears build in my eyes as heat flushes my face. At times, I feel myself talking through gritted teeth, but I ignore the pain it causes in my jaw.
"Maybe you're too emotional to be holding that gun just yet," Ray's voice is soft and condescending. As usual, he's making me feel like a small child.
"I said shut up! Why the hell don't you listen? You never listen!" Ray stands up and moves closer to me, allowing the barrel of the gun to touch his chest. "What are you – what are you doing?" I stammer.
"You said I never listen. Well, I'm listening now." He arches a single eyebrow as he gazes down at me. This it not where I was expecting this to go. Nothing about today has been where I have been expecting it to go.
"Fine. Good. You're listening. Well, we'll see how well."
"I love how you still ramble, tripping around words, when you're caught off guard." Ray smiles a familiar warm smile that I saw so many times at the beginning of our crazy relationship. A relationship that should have never happened.
"I'm not rambling. You said you're listening, so stop talking!" I poke him with the gun, pressing it into his chest a little harder to reiterate my upper hand. "As I said before, I've let myself feel a rollercoaster of emotions about you for more than four years now, and especially ever since I came home. I've tried talking to you about how I feel while almost always trying to consider your feelings in the process. You never listened though. You never wanted to. You always tried to tell me how I feel, ignoring anything that I said that could contradict how you wanted me to feel." I take a breath. My tears never fell, and they won't now. I'm tired of this man making me cry. "You are finished, Ray."
"What do you mean by 'finished,' Laney?"
"You're done lying to Derrick. You're done lying to and manipulating Hope. You're done with me. Period. That's what I mean by 'finished,' Ray." I feel myself standing a little taller, finally becoming my own hero. I am finally standing up for myself, without hesitation. "You once upon a time were a good man Ray, and I've let myself believe that that goodness still lives inside this onerous and deceitful person that you've somehow become. Unfortunately, there's no such thing as salvation for sociopaths. So, here we are, on the precipice of a new beginning to our lives, only this time they will be lived separate. You will not come near me or my family or Derrick ever again. Do you understand?" I press the gun as hard as I can into his chest as he holds his hands up in state of surrender. Perhaps I would acknowledge this stance if it weren't for that sickly grin.
"You know, you say that you've listened to me while I've been the one ignoring all of your contradictory opinions, but I feel very differently on that matter." Ray takes a slight step back, relieving the pressure of the gun from his chest, but he keeps his hands raised. "I know you loved Rick. I know Rick loved you. I also know that I loved you, and I wasn't alone in those feelings. Maybe you've acknowledged them recently, but all you did back then was deny, deny, deny. Even if you did acknowledge them now, you still put your feelings for Rick first. The problem there is, you and I are never done. We're soulmates. We move as one. You and I have an unbreakable, undeniable bond. We live together."
"Harper, what are you doing?" Thomas calls out from out of nowhere. In a split second, Ray grabs me and the gun, and I feel him struggling for control. "Harper! Ray! Guys, stop!" Thomas yells as he begins to run toward us.
"We die together," Ray whispers with a sneer. I try to pull away one last time, panic taking over every facet of my being. A loud bang sends a ringing in my ears. A more muffled second bang, is followed immediately by a third bang.