Yeah sorry for not updating. In my defense I did say see you in a month. Anyways enjoy. I have a surprise for y'all at the end cause of this delay. Also I literally cannot proofread for my life so if theres a mistake point it out.
Trigger Warning: Everything in this story so far that had something to do with SW. !Theres some really depressing stuff this is a serious warning! Heavy Abuse.
Catra's POV
Ok. Shit. What do I do? Do I clean this up and act like the vase is missing? No, she wouldn't fall for that. I don't know what to do. No matter what I do, she'll punish me. I can't tell her it was Adora, I don't want her to get hurt.
"CATRA"
oh no. She's already here. Shit. I-i don't... I can't move. I felt myself freeze up. Every part of my brain was screaming "run" but I couldn't move. I could only slowly turn my head to look at her.
Bad idea.
She noticed the vase in my hands.
"Catra."
Oh no. She isn't shouting anymore. This is worse. Her voice is ice cold. I tried to talk but couldn't.
"What did you do you insolent child? You should know better than to be this stupid, this careless, to break my FAVORITE vase. I treat you so well, try my BEST to make you a good and successful young woman and this is how you repay me?"
I could say a lot of things. I could say everything she did to me, everytime she beat me. It wouldn't matter. She didn't care. She never did. She kept talking, about how I was ungrateful, useless, worthless and all that other stuff. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong. I don't even know anymore. I am worthless, that's for sure.
She kept talking but I tuned her out, it was the usual things, you're stupid, can't do anything right, why do i keep trying and bla bla bla. Her usual bullshit.
Please, I can't take this anymore. Just get it over with. Beat me to death, kick me out I don't care. I just want it to end.
Her next words caught my attention.
Her words became sweet, an extremely fake sweetness. "Catra you're a smart kid, you wouldn't break my vase, would you? So, who did it?"
Shit. She's not drunk enough to be stupid. Why does she care though? She'd like any excuse to punish me.
Oh right. Someone else breaking it would mean I had a friend. That's a no-no for her. She doesn't want me to have friends. Just like with Scorpia. My only friend. The person who had to move away because my mother used her influence in the school to ruin her reputation.
I can't have that happen to Adora. No matter what. Even if she punishes me harder. I should have been more careful it's my fault I'm in this situation.
"I did it. I was walking around and accidentally bumped into it. I'm sorry."
"Oh no, we both know that's not true. So, who was it?"
I stayed silent. So did she. I stayed still. She did not.
Her hand moved so fast I couldn't see it. My cheek was burning hot. "You're a liar, Catra, and you will pay for that."
I stayed silent as she continued hitting me. Normally she wouldn't hurt me where others could see. She didn't care this time. She kept kicking me as I curled up on the floor. I couldn't move, I couldn't see. Everything was blurry. I heard her shouting but I couldn't understand the words. She held me up and punched me in the face. Oh. So that's why I can't see. My eye is hurting so much and my nose feels wet. I wonder if it's bleeding?
When she was done I couldn't feel anything. I was curled up on the floor, not able to move. My whole body was in pain, but I couldn't feel it. I barely noticed her leaving, shutting the door hard enough to make me flinch. Well it would normally. I couldn't even flinch, it was like I was paralyzed.
I don't know how long I laid there, unable to even lift my head. Must not have been long because my nose was still bleeding when I managed to lift my arm. Pain came as I got up. I almost fell down again when it hit. Everything hurt. Everything. Breathing, looking, and of course, walking. It was like I was in a haze. I might have fall down a few times, and stumbled a lot. I looked like mother when she was drunk.
I slowly made my way to the bathroom where I collapsed in the bath. I turned on the water, not even flinching when the ice cold water hit my skin. It was soothing, numbed the pain a little. I didn't care that my clothes were getting wet, getting sick would be a good thing right now.
What am I doing. Why am I trying to help myself, it's useless. It'd be easier to just die right now.
I can't. I want to, but I can't. Adora would blame herself. I care about her too much to do that to her.
But I'm tired. Really tired. And I want it to end. She'd be fine eventually, I don't matter that much. I'm worthless. She'd be much better if I wad gone. Mother almost hurt her today because of me. What if she'd come home early?
I don't wanna live like this anymore. It hurts so bad. I want it to stop. Please make it stop. I looked over at the drawer that held my blade.
Do I want to do this?
I want to ease the pain. It's all my fault and I should suffer for it. I can't make myself suffer any other way. I need this, It hurts so much inside. If I make it hurt outside maybe It'll stop hurting inside. (it does not, don't try this)
I held the blade and made a cut. Then some more. Tears were coming out my eyes, blurring my vision.
I deserve this.
One more swing of the blade.
It's all my fault.
Blood starts dripping.
I can't do anything right.
I raise the blade.
I should just end it now.
I grip the blade harder.
No.
The blade falls to the floor.
No, I c-can't do that. Not yet. I-I don't wanna go yet.
Why?
...
My one good thing isn't done yet. Yeah that's it. Dying now would hurt her more and I wouldn't have done anything good.
I didn't realize my eyes were wet until I felt a sting on my wrist.
Oh. A tear. Saltwater. On the wound. That I made.
Oh.
Shit.
I tried my best to clean and bandage my wounds. Moving even my finger was painful. Actually, scratch that, even breathing hurt. So much. By the time I was done it was pitch black outside. Probably midnight. Mother will probably come soon. I should go to my room and lock the door.
Fuck. I can't move. I need to move. Please just move. She could come at any moment. Please.
I stood up, ignoring the pain that I'd pretty much gone numb to thanks to the cold water and shock. I managed to change into a spare pair of clothes, mainly hoodies and sweatpants, that I kept in the bathroom and make the walk to my room.
I collapsed on my bed, too tired to get under the covers, to tired to care that I hadn't eaten dinner. I don't think I could have if I tried, even the thought of eating made me nauseous. Why should I bother with that, it's completely useless(it's not, don't skip meals people). I finally got taken by sleep.
____________________________________
It was late when I woke up. Well not that late, just late enough to miss school no matter what. If I was going. Mother has already left, school starts in 5 minutes.
I woke up to a familiar sound from my phone, a text. From Adora.
Adora: Hey, school's about to start. Where are you?
You: I'm sick. I can't come.
Adora: Are you okay? Did your mom get mad at the vase?
Oh. I hate lying to her. But I have to.
You: Nah, It was fine. And I'm just really tired, I can't move.
That's not exactly a lie.
Adora: I can come visit you after class.
Oh no. Nonononono.
You: It's contagious, I don't want you to get sick. I have a fever.
Great job. So belivable.
Adora: Oh, I'm sorry. Get well soon <3
That worked? Wait heart? What?
I can't think about that now.
I can't move at all. That part wasn't a lie. Everything from yesterday is starting to hurt. I should get painkillers from my drawer.
_______________________
I haven't moved at all this day. It's lunchtime and I haven't even had breakfast
I can't go on like this.
Oof that was hard to write. This may be my longest chapter so far. Sorry again for not updating. Also the transition from i wanna die to i wanna live may be unrealistic im sorry. I'm trying to not romanticize depression but I'm also trying to write a love story. Warn me if I romanticize it. Things have been going so great I mostly forgot how it felt like to wanna die all the time. So I may get a few things wrong.
Yeah. Umm. I may proofread in the morning. I may not. Correct my mistakes pls. Also if this is triggering you pls stop reading it, it's really unhealthy. Love you all. And heres the surprise I promised.
Next Up: Questions
Adora has questions about Catra's life, and her "mother". She's suspicious of the look that appeared on Catra's face when the vase broke, and the way she didn't come to class for two days. Catra showed up same as usual, claiming there was no problem. But she seems extremely flinchy to the touch, and she doesn't seem "fine"
Yeah the preview or whatever its called. It's way more nicer than what I actually put as my chapter notes. Anyways bye, and hopefully see you all before a month.