^*Mild trigger warning
I wake up just in time to see the bright orange-pink hue of dawn breaking over the horizon, from my window. I squint as I pull the blinds shut and crawl back under the covers. I have a massive headache, and nausea shortly follows. I hear Ursula crying in the room directly below mine, but I feel too ill to get her. My parents' room is right beside hers, so I assume someone will be with her shortly, so I allow myself to close my eyes for a bit longer. Maybe sleep will help me feel better.
After what only seems like seconds, I wake to my mother barging in my room, with a still-crying Ursula in her arms.
"Samara Rose Jacobs! Ursula has been crying for the past ten minutes! Your father and I were helping your siblings get ready for day-camp and Evangeline is loading them up in the car. Everyone around here is doing their part, I thought I could leave your baby sister with you for a few damn minutes!" She looks at me, exasperated, as Ursula pulls at her hair, undoing her perfect bun.
"I'm sorry, Mom, I didn't know I was supposed to be watching her," I reply honestly. "I have a massive headache and-"
"And you think I don't?" Mom cuts me off, placing her hand on her hip and staring me up and down. "You have no idea how hard it is to raise seven children, one of whom is still in diapers."
"I know Mom, I'm sorry I just feel sick and-"
"Oh Samara." Mom rolls her eyes. "Seriously? You aren't sick, you're sad. But you know what? Life goes on after loss. You need to get on with living it."
"I'm sorry!" I shout, my voice rising to a shrill. "I'm sorry but I actually do feel ill. Physically ill. I wish I didn't but I do. I wish I could get up and go on like nothing has happened, but it has. It has, and there's nothing any earthly person can do about it. There's nothing anyone can do about the fact that this person-- this person that had such a huge and impactful presence in my life is gone for the rest of it.-- I wish I could get through a few days, a few hours, not thinking about him, but I can't. I wish I didn't still think of things to tell him and go to call him, only to realize that I can't. I wish-- I wish he was okay, but he's not. And it will take some time for me to be."
I pull the covers over my head and curl back up into a ball.
"There is no need for that tone, young lady," Mom says coldly, turning to leave.
---
A few hours later, I wake to Evie sitting at the foot of my bed.
"Sami.. Sa-mi" she says in a sing-song voice, tracing her fingers up and down my comforter.
"What, Evangeline?" I moan.
"Ooh, you used my FULL name! Shit must be serious. What's up, sis?"
"... feel sick.. Mom mad... just want sleep.."
"Well, it's already noon!" Evie laughs, playfully pulling the covers back. "I have to go into work in an hour. Are you ok to watch the baby? If not I can see if Lydia can come-"
"No, Evie it's fine I can watch her," I say. My phone chimes on the night stand beside me, and I pause to see who's texting me. It's Liam, and he's asking that I come over.
--
Ten minutes later, I get to his house. Luckily this is one small town. I park my car on the street beside his house, and hop out, seeing him waiting for me on his porch, pacing back and forth.
"Hey, Liam," I say, running up his porch steps. I don't have much time but-"
"Sam, he-he's everywhere and I can't.. I can't.. I-" he starts to hyperventilate, so I step forward placing my hand on his shoulder. "I can't not think of him. He's here, but he's not. And I think of him way more than I ever did... and we did nothing, I mean there was nothing we could do he just he left us in a blink and he's not coming back."
"I know Liam," I say gently. "I know."
"I wish I could just stop! I wish everything would just stop and for a few minutes a day, I could forget- forget that he's..." Liam trails off, his sad, pleading eyes meeting mine.
"Dead," I blurt before I can censor myself. "Taylor died. Taylor's dead."
"Yeah," he whispers, putting more of his weight on me. "I just can't deal with it Sam. Do you see where I'm coming from?" He looks at me, his face comprised of nothing more than glass. A single tear rushing down his cheek.
And then I start crying. Big, built- up tears that leave a salty taste in my mouth. Partly because we'll never see Taylor again, and partly because someone knows exactly what that feels like.
"Gimme, something, anything else to think about," Liam says. So, without giving it much thought, I take his shaking hand in mine, and cuff my other one around his face. I lean in. He leans in. We kiss.
--
Looking at my watch, I realize I only have fifteen minutes before I have to watch Ursula.
"I gotta go!" I gasp, running down the steps and getting in my car, as Liam stands, frozen on his porch.
"We'll talk soon!" I holler out the window. And then, I'm off
--