10
Spidey
So...
The Avengers, huh?
Scarlet
So...
Spiderman, huh?
Spidey
Well this is awkward...
Natalia
Only because we know how hard you're trying not to freak out and fanboy.
Spidey
Yep! You're onto me!
Hawk
Relax, we're the same as before!
Spidey
So I don't need to change your nicknames to be your actual names?
Natalia
Not unless you really want to
Spidey
I'm happy with the way things are already, as long as you all don't mind
Natalia
For you? Not at all!
Spidey
Thank you, Aunty Talia!
Natalia
For Stark? His Natalia privileges have been revoked.
Mr Stark
Really, Rushman?
Natalia
That's not my last name.
Mr Stark
Romanova?
Natalia
Not any more.
Mr Stark
Romanoff?
Natalia
Took you long enough.
Mr Stark
That's what happens when you introduce yourself using an alias!
Anyway, Peter...
Spidey
Yep?
Mr Stark
How come she is now "Aunty Talia" when I'm still stuck on Mr Stark?!
Spidey
Sometimes I call you Dad!
Hawk
But he'll never be as good as your Папа!
Mr Stark
Of course not, Clinton.
I'm already better!
Spidey
Don't fight over who is the better surrogate father!
I don't need you both to die!
Not right now at least...
Natalia
It's okay, Ребенок Паук!
Scarlet
You're just happy you don't have any competition for the role of mother!
Mr Stark
I could add Pepper...
Tiny
And I could get Hope to join...
Frostbite
I'll get Peggy on, since Steve doesn't know how to...
Spidey
Please not right now!
With all the fanboying I think I might short-circuit!
Mr Stark
Fine.
Another time, then.
I'm better than them anyway!
Spidey
...
This section of the chapter is a little different, with some not-so-Cap-friendly language, and was largely written in the comments section with the help of MemeLord488.
Peter hadn't texted again for five minutes, and Tony was starting to get concerned. He was pacing around the Avengers' main living area when the door flies off its hinges...
Peter is stood there in his Spiderling costume, then takes one look at Tony before yelling, "BITCH TAKE THAT BACK! I SWEAR TO THOR I WILL DROP A BUILDING ON YOU!"
Suddenly, Captain America smashes through the window and exclaims, "LANGUAGE!"
Unfortunately for Cap, Peter saw this coming. Spidey turned around so fast he almost got whiplash and shouted back, "I SPEAK ENGLISH, AMERICA'S ASS MOTHERFUCKING BETTY WHITE ASS BITCH!"
For a second, Steve looks very hurt and confused. But then he cracks and just asks, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
Peter stops to think for a second, and inevitably breaks down crying on the floor in fetal position, stuttering, "S-so much!"
Steve tries to comfort Peter for two minutes, but soon gives up and joins in crying.
That was when Tony, who had retreated to a corner so he could cry, said, "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!"
Above them they could here someone else crying, although their sobs were slightly muted through the vents. Nevertheless, they all heard Clint cry out, "I don't fucking know anymore!"
In a split second, Peter is smiling again and webs the vent, making the Hawk fall from its nest. "Yo whaddup, Katniss?" cheers Peter merrily.
Then Natasha walks in...
At first she isn't looking at what's going on, but catches on soon enough, saying, "Hey Star-......What the fuck is this?"
From the dark corner, Tony murmurs, "Ask the spider in a onesie."
The Spiderling turns to Stark in horror, "IT'S NOT A ONESIE YOU 80'S MOTHERFUCKING TIN CAN LOOKING ASS BITCH!"
Clint erupts into uncontrollable laughter, "H-holy fuck I can't breathe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" It was clear there was no saving him from his state of hysteria.
Natasha simply glares at Clint and questions, "Why the fucking hell are you my partner again?"
Clint looks at her in mock offense, and smugly says, "Oh c'mon, you know you loooovvvee meeee!"
Peter looks between the two then yells at the top of his lungs, "CLINTASHA CONFIRMED!!!"
Poor Capsicle looks incredibly confused and asks the room, "What is a Clintasha?"
For a second, Tony and Peter lock eyes and turn to Steve. At the same time they both shout, "YOU OLD ASS MOTHERFUCKER!"
Instantly, Bucky busts in, "WHO YOU CALLING OLD?!"
Pointing at Steve, Peter states, "THAT BITCH. WHAT? YOU WANNA BE CALLED OLD TOO? THAT CAN BE FUCKING ARRANGED!"
Bucky puts his arm around Steve's shoulders and retorts, "LEAVE THE CAPSICLE OUT OF THIS!"
Laughing, Peter just says, "No."
Then Bruce walks into the room and sees what's going down. He turns around to leave, before he gets dragged into whatever 'this' is. Unfortunately for him, Thor walks in and stops Banner from escaping.
Without warning, Shuri comes out from nowhere and body slams Peter. "OOH HE NEED SOME MILK!" she quotes.
Peter proceeds to web an empty carton of milk to him, examines it, and throws it away, screeching, "This bitch empty! YEET!"
Loki steps out of a portal and says, "Road work ahead? AH YEAH I SURE HOPE IT DOES!"
Next, Harley full on struts out the kitchen with tortillas, saying, "Hurricane Katrina? More like HURRICANE TORTILLA!"
As if by magic, Peter summons a random raccoon, "Judie here! On College Street! With a raccoon! AT SHOPPERS DRUG MART!"
Without bothering to call ahead, Nick Fury marches into the room, barking orders, "Avengers, there is a global threat that you need to take care o-................ What the fuck happened?!"
Harley, Peter, Shuri, and Loki are all T-posing over Clint, Tony, Bucky, and Steve, who are all crying. Meanwhile, Nat is laughing her ass off in the corner, watching it all go down.
In perfect unison, Harley, Peter, Shuri, and Loki shout, "WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW, WEATHER BOY?!"
Fury takes a moment to survey the situation and nods in understanding. He locks eyes with each of the Vine-ing teenagers and confidently asks, "Where are your parents?" Then he turns to Stark and says, "Kid's sketchy"
Surprising everyone, Bucky joins in, "You've got to look out for feral children."
"You're supposed to respect your elders," finishes Fury calmly.
After that glorious moment, Peter went crazy...
What the Avengers didn't know was that young Spidey had downed multiple pots of coffee.
He jumped up onto the ceiling and started scuttling around, muttering to himself.
He caught sight of Tony, who had backed himself into a corner, and hastily crawled over to him, repeatedly asking, "WHERE ARE THE FRESH CHILDREN FOR ME TO FEAST UPON?!"
Tony took out a cross that mysteriously appeared, and just kept repeating, "Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck?!"
As Peter was about to reach Stark, Doctor Strange opened a portal, squirted some peppermint air freshener, and left again.
Peter hissed at the poison and ended up fainting, and consequently falling on top of Tony.
The next morning, Peter woke up with a terrible headache. All he could remember was chugging a butt tone of coffee, texting the Avengers and heading out to swing over there for some reason.
Uncertainly, Peter decided to text them for answers...
Spidey
Hey guys...
What happened yesterday?
Mr Stark
You don't remember anything?
Spidey
Only coffee, texting, and heading out to see you, nothing else.
Mr Stark
Just some friendly advice...
No more coffee for you.
Ever.
Spidey
Why not?
It can't have been that bad!
Mr Stark
*Attaches video footage of everything that happened*
Spidey
Wow Fury can Vine!
And I'm so sorry about that Mr Stark!
Mr Stark
Don't be, it was hilarious and will be great blackmail...
Natalia
I hope you don't plan on blackmailing my Ребенок Паук!
Mr Stark
Of course not...
Hehe...
Spidey
I'm sorry about your door, by the way!
But thank you for putting the child lock on the draw with the butter knives, otherwise things would have gotten messy!
Mr Stark
No problem, Bambino!
Anything to keep you safe!
Spidey
くコ:彡
Mr Stark
Really?
Spidey
Yep...
Mr Stark
Fine.